La Stella And Angels Ride On Detroit’s Streetcar Named Desire (Or Any SP Not Named Boyd)

First off, big congrats to Albert Pujols (1-for-4 and his 6th homer), as he passed 2,000 RBIs. That is amazing. Now would some archaeologist find old man Pujols’s Holy Grail Goblet Room and let him retire in peace? Second off, David Fletcher went 2-for-5, 2 runs, hitting .310, as he finally seems to be settling in at leadoff. Can we just pause for one second and try to comprehend how stupid I am?  Okay, you don’t have to rundown all my countless idiotic calls.  I get it.  Okay, with my stupidity in mind, it took a major league manager — Bad Assdunce, in this case — almost six weeks to realize Fletcher is the best guy to hit leadoff on the Angels.  Assdunce hit Kole Calhoun (2-for-4, 3 runs, and his 9th homer, hitting .223) for 78 ABs at leadoff — a .240 hitter on a good day!  Ya know, when they hire MLB managers, they’re not hiring their best and brightest.  Oh, and I have it at 50/50 odds Fletcher doesn’t stay at leadoff, just so ya know.  By the by, Fletcher is not in this afternoon’s Buy column, but if he’s available add him for average and hopefully counting stats.  Finally, Tommy La Stella.  What in the holy fudge?  Only, I didn’t say fudge.  I said the mother of all curse words.  Yesterday, he went 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 8th and 9th homer.  Did he even have nine homers in 1,000 at-bats prior to this in his career?  Not to answer, because I don’t care, but WUT. At this point, Travis Shaw would need to have the best month of his career to even tie La Stella in fantasy value.  I am laughing through tears.  Sad clown tears!  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Felix Pena – 7 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.21.  I need to get better at picking up favorable starters who are not technically starting but instead following an Opener.  By which I mean, can someone just pop in the comments and tell me when Beeks and Pena are about to pitch?  Thanking you in advance.

Ryan Carpenter – 5 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 10.80.  Tigers, “Hey, Ryan, we respect you here, but you gotta take one for the team.”  “Sure, skip, but my name’s Bryan.”  “Um, that’s what I said, Bryan.”  “I was testing to see if you knew who I was, it is Ryan.”

Christin Stewart – Activated from the IL.  Fun fact! Christin Stewart is the only player that is always in the Twilight of his career.

Kris Bryant – 1-for-2, 2 runs, and his 7th homer and, like, 14th homer this week.  The Cubs said Bryant started using a smaller handled bat this week and that’s what’s made all the difference.  Putting aside how it could take someone a month to figure out their previous bat was better in a wood chipper, I’m just glad they figured it out.

Anthony Rizzo – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 10th homer.  HR to the Izzo!

Yu Darvish – 4 IP, 1 ER, 1 hit, 6 BBs, 7 Ks, ERA at 5.40.  Wow, Yu’s a mess.  Not youse, though some of youse, maybe.  Getting a big Theo free agent contract is a fantasy kiss of death…Crawford, Darvish, Heyward. Yu Darvish looks like he can’t hit the broadside of the barn from three feet away with a cowboy hat while singing Old Town Road.  Hard to drop someone with Darvish’s upside in deeper leagues, but in shallow leagues, you can’t start him, let alone own him.

Mike Montgomery – 5 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 5.87.  More of an NL-Only name for me, but I’m actively looking at adding Montegomery in those deep leagues, because Darvish feels headed for the Ineffective List.

Manny Banuelos – 4 1/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 6.67.  Google translate “Manny Banuelos.” Google responds, “Rest-stop restrooms.”  Perfect, thank you, Google.

Jordan Luplow – 2-for-3, and his 1st and 2nd homer.  Yo, the Indians’ lineup is lit.  Like the garbage can that homeless people are warming their hands above.

Carlos Carrasco – 5 IP, 0 ER, 2 hits, 0 walks, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.91, as the rain shortened everything.  Well, not Altuve, but you catch my drift.

Derek Dietrich – 1-for-2, 2 RBIs and his 10th homer.  I knew I should’ve drafted La Stella and Dietrich in the 1st two rounds instead of Trout and Giancarlo. Someone kill me!  Of course, Dietrich’s going to be in this afternoon’s Buy column.  I’ve been talking about him for a week straight (minus the three days this week he didn’t start).

Eugenio Suarez – 3-for-4, 2 runs and his 11th homer.  Since you know Suarez, one last thing on Dietrich. He <blinkers>could</blinkers> be breaking out, but the Reds still platoon him out the lineup in a close game for Curt Casali.  MLB managers are the worst.

Tanner Roark – 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.27 vs. Chris Bassitt – 7 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 2.55.  This is a matchup billed, “Both of these guys should just be owned, but I’d be lying if I said I didn’t check the Streamonator before starting either of them.”  A rather niche billing title, as you can imagine.

Steven Matz – Hit the IL only about five days after he should’ve, so the Mets are getting better!

Gregory Polanco – 3-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 2nd homer, hitting .308.  Brocktune is heating up.

Joe Musgrove – 3 IP, 8 ER, ERA up to 4.20.  He looked okay prior to this start but I always had musgrovings.

Dexter Fowler – 2-for-5, 1 run, 3 RBIs, hitting .302.  Boring story about one of my teams alert!  I randomly drafted in NL-Only Tout Melky Cabrera (0-for-4, hitting .337) and Dexter Fowler.  They’ve been more productive than I could’ve ever hoped, and now I’ve totally jinxed myself.  Thanks, self!

Yadier Molina – 3-for-4, 3 runs, 2 RBIs, hitting .289.  That’s the same number of runs as the Molina Family at a Taco Bell.

Michael Wacha – 5 2/3 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 5.35.  When is it okay to get a 5+ inning start with 10 baserunners and 4 ER and 2 Ks? When you get a win! Wacha Wacha Wacha!

Mike Soroka – 6 IP, 1 ER,, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 1.21.  Exhibit A thru Z why I don’t draft starters high.  I’m not saying I knew Soroka would have a 1.21 ERA by mid-May, but I’m saying no one knew.  It would be like someone saying I’m going to buy a lottery ticket and you saying, “I’m going to buy one too, but I’m going to spend 50 times as much with only a 5% chance of a better outcome.”  No one remembers this in March, but then it seems so obvious in May.  It’s not just this year.  Don’t buy into that narrative.  For people saying that, ask them how I was able to draft Corbin, Snell and countless others last year.

Luke Weaver – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.98.  See what I said about one blurb ago.

Dee Gordon – Left after being hit by a pitch on the wrist, and it didn’t look, as they say, good.  Mariners are speculating a call up of Shed Long, who you can find at any Tampa Bay-area Lowe’s, or J.P. Crawford.

Domingo Santana – 1-for-4 and his 8th homer, and 2nd homer this week.  Somebody’s strapping on the hot dong again!  Hmm, that doesn’t sound right.

J.A. Happ – 5 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners (3 BBs), 7 Ks, ERA at 4.36.  Thought about looking at J.A. Happ’s peripherals to see if he can be better than his ERA and if I have a good pitcher on my team, then the song Let the Mystery Be from The Leftovers’ credits plays in my head, and, well, I choose to let the mystery be.

George Springer – 3-for-5 and his 13th homer, tying Eddie Rosario for the AL lead.  Today on Georgey Springer:  Angry fantasy owners scream, “Where was that last year?” and then take paternity tests to see if they are the dads of whiny little babies on stage.

Wade Miley – 6 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.18 vs. Mike Minor – 5 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.68.  This Minor/Miley matchup was billed as, “One subreddit you don’t want to go into.”

Hunter Pence – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer, 3rd homer in as many games and almost hit a fourth, but was robbed by Reddick, hitting .343.  *hand shoots out of the ground, then a bird’s wing, then one of those car lot inflatables* “What the hell kind of Zombino is that?!”  Pence won’t be in this afternoon’s Buy column, but he’s obviously hot schmotato’ing.

Chris Martin – With Shawn Kelley going on the IL with an infection — Was it…*pinkie to mouth* a staff infection? — the Rangers said Coldplay would be the closer.  Also, Rangers manager, Steve Winwood, said Leclerc could become the closer again, vaguely saying, “When we want to lose games, he’s our man.”  Kidding, he did hint to returning to Leclerc soon, you’ve been served!…with info.

David Dahl – 0-for-1 as he didn’t start again.  Why isn’t he playing anymore?  Asking for a very good friend:  Me.

Nolan Arenado – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 10th homer.  With Mother’s Day this Sunday, I’m scrapbooking dried roses onto pictures of Mother through the years.  But first, while I take a two-hour break to watch a game, I’m going to put it by this open window–NOOOOO!!! Torenado!!!

Mark Reynolds – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 4th homer.  Mini Donkey doesn’t let a little snow stop him from dinger-donging.  All brays!

Ian Desmond – 1-for-2, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer, hitting .204.  Reynolds and Desmond homering, and Tapia hitting .298 are all splendid developments for Dahl’s playing time.

Buster Posey – Hit the 7-day concussion IL.  Is this the first concussion stint of the year?  So fitting it’s Posey.  I hear MLB is instituting a new rule that you can’t forcefully blow in Posey’s direction.

Drew Pomeranz – Hit the IL. His replacement (whoever it is — Beede?) will be a solid pickup for streams at home in deeper leagues.  See, I give you actionable intel. As Beyonce would say, Grey with the good share!

Tyler Austin – 2-for-5, 6 RBIs and two homers (1, 2), hitting .325.  Fun fact #1! He is the best MLB player whose first and last name are cities in Texas since 19th century star Hardy Richardson.  Fun fact #2! The moon landing was faked. It was filmed in Denver.