Summer ChristmASBegins For Our Loved Ones

*nervous finger tap*  How many days without baseball?  So, I can close my fantasy baseball team browser window without missing anything? Okay. *throws computer out window* What? Was there another way to close my fantasy team page? I hadn’t in so long I forgot. What do you mean I can go outside without worrying about missing anything in baseball? But there’s real people out there! I’m staying right here, thank you very much! So, who is going to hit less homers in the Home Run Derby than Kyle Stowers (5-for-5, 4 runs, 6 RBIs and his 17th, 18th and 19th homer, hitting .293) hit on Sunday? I’m gonna say Cal Raleigh, then people are gonna panic for four days that Cal will now be cursed in the 2nd half, then he hits a home run in his 1st at-bat of the 2nd half and everyone is like, “Now that’s how you turn the other cheek.” Stowers is going to appear in tomorrow’s top 100 for the 2nd half, because he’s been solid for almost the whole 1st half, and what a way for the Orioles to end their regrettable 1st half! Beat up by a guy they traded away in the ultimate revenge game and trounced by the Marlins. Don’t worry, Orioles, you have top prospects who will either never be promoted or will suck if they are. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Connor Norby – Hit the IL with wrist inflammation. Con Air good, Con-Nor bad.

Janson Junk – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 hits, zero walks, 2 Ks, ERA at 2.68. Just gave you my Junk man fantasy. It rode on the back of the garbage truck and went vroom vroom.

Otto Lopez – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 11th homer, hitting .250, 2nd homer in three games. Around top 10 on the Player Rater for 2nd basemen and, oh, my God, I spotted Luis Arraez on the Rater, and, woof, he’s sucked.

Eury Perez – 7 IP, 0 ER, 3 hits, zero walks, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.18, as he closed the break with his longest career start. That’s three straight solid starts. If you wondering if he can keep it going: Yes. Or put a different way: Y-E-S.

Trevor Rogers – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 8 Ks. You can look at the Streamonator for him, but just so you’re aware he has a 1.53 ERA. One-five-three.

Hunter Dobbins – Hit the IL with a season-ending torn ACL. That leaves MLB with zero guys who sound like characters from Lord of the Rings until Frodo Sanchez gets promoted.

Garrett Crochet – 9 IP, 0 ER, 3 hits, zero walks, 9 Ks, ERA at 2.23. This was his first career complete game. Arguably the third best starter in MLB with his first career complete game? This is not your slightly older brother’s baseball.

Ceddanne Rafaela – 1-fro-3, 2 RBIs and his 14th homer, 3rd homer in a week, 5th homer of July. Baseball coaching is so hilarious. Supposedly, Ceddanne’s newfound power is from the coaches saying pull the ball in the air. Ya think?!

Brayan Bello – 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 hits, zero walks, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.14. Just gave you my Brayan Bello fantasy. This was written while listening to the new Clipse.

Shane Baz – 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 4.17. How long until he’s Rasmussen’ing only a few innings? I’m seriously asking. By end of July? Zero pitchers can throw innings anymore. I suggest letting hitters hit off a tee and pitchers become an extra outfielder. You can’t tell me Kevin Cash hasn’t looked this up in the rulebook. You derisively roll your eyes, but you try to generate enough power off a tee to drive the ball.

Austin Riley – Hit the IL with an ab strain and I removed him from the top 100 for the 2nd half (out tomorrow). I’m so over Riley. “Life of Riley” an idiom meaning a carefree, comfortable and enjoyable existence? Yeah, they’re at the idiom office having it changed. Life of Riley now means lower your expectations into a void in the ground where goodness dies.

Nacho Alvarez Jr. – 0-for-3, as he was recalled on Saturday by the Braves. He only appeared in two games this year, but he made the NL All-Star Team. Congrats, Nacho!

Lars Nootbaar – Hit the IL with an intercostal injury. “That’s rib issue, and it wouldn’t be me.” That’s Tony Roma, not Tony Romo, which is a segue to our fantasy football content.

Ivan Herrera – 1-for-3, with his 2nd and 3rd steal, as he was activated from the IL. Cards said he won’t catch much the rest of the year, which is fine if your position eligibility for next year is 14 or fewer games played. If you need 15 to 20? You better hope he sneaks in a few more.

Giancarlo Stanton – 1-for-3 and his 4th homer, and that’s in nine games. I hope he has a nice break, I’ll be hiding under his bed if he needs anything.

Matthew Boyd – 8 IP, 0 ER, 4 hits, zero walks, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.34. Let’s just say I’m glad I only roster Boyd in leagues where I can’t move him to my bench because, well, let’s just say I’m missing grapes in my Fruit of the Looms.

Shota Imanaga – 7 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.65. Said on Friday to sell, and now I’m saying same same.

Michael Busch – 1-for-5 and his 19th homer, as he moved to the leadoff spot, with Ian Happ’s struggle bus moved to the six hole, but really shizz Happ’s in the eight hole. Dansby Swanson (2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 16th homer) hitting behind Happ is an insult to Swanson, and no one insults Dans–Actually, you can’t insult Swanson worse than being named Dansby.

Zac Gallen – 5 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 5.40. DBacks are making Gallen available for trades, but they haven’t been wowed yet with the possible return packages. One team offered a fax machine, another team offered an expired coupon to Busch Gardens. They almost accepted the 2nd one, thinking Busch Gardens was a prospect name.

Julio Rodriguez – 2-for-3, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and a slam (14) and legs (17), 3rd homer in three games. Someone’s getting a head start on the 2nd half! If he gets to 30/30 this year, it’s gonna be very hard to not rank him in the top 20 overall again. He is not currently on pace for that, though.

Randy Arozarena – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 17th homer, 2nd homer in two games, third homer in a week, 7th homer in July, and nine homers since the last day of June, but June isn’t July, but you know what I’m saying. The Rice Bowl’s turned his whole season around, and, brucely, his entire career trajectory.

Cole Young – 2-for-4 and his 2nd homer. Not much to say on schmotatoes going into the break, because guys can go cold in the time off, but I do like Young and he had both of his homers this week.

Logan Gilbert – 5 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 3.39. There’s a chance here for Gilbert to have a huge 2nd half, but it’s contingent on him being healthy, so is he? Shruggy the Emoji shrugs.

Jack Flaherty – 5 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.65. Speaking of Buy Lows (I was with Gilbert), Flaherty could fix himself. Will he? Your guess = my guess.

Riley Greene – 2-for-4 and his 24th homer, 2nd homer in two games, hitting .284. His underlying stats still don’t really make sense, but I’m just a talking head and he won’t stop making sense.

Kyle Manzardo – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 15th homer, and 2nd homer in two games. He homered off Aaron Civale, who he was traded for in 2023. “No one’s ever homered off me.” That’s Cash Considerations.

Joey Cantillo – 5 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 7 hits, zero walks, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.17. Not sure how long I can convince myself that Cantillo is a good guy to roster because of his peripherals when none of my fantasy leagues have a category for Appearances, with the scoring Should Be Better or Should Be Worse.

Nick Kurtz – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 17th homer, and his 12th homer since June 15th, which is the same as Cal Raleigh. Oh, but you’re not ready for that cherrypicking.

Tyler Soderstrom – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 18th homer, 3rd homer in four games. Soder pop with no fizz!

Davis Schneider – 1-for-3 and his 5th homer, 2nd homer in three games. Right before this homer, he homered, but it was called foul, Jays’ manager John Schneider argued, got tossed, and Davis turned around and hit another homer.

Addison Barger – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 13th homer, 2nd homer in the week. Barger has been great, so don’t take this the wrong way, but, after seeing Kurtz has 17 homers in two less weeks of games than Barger, it’s just got me going more gaga-goo-goo for Kurtz.

Emmet Sheehan – 4 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners (3 BBs), 3 Ks, ERA at 2.03. Don’t love the command or that it was a 3:3 K:BB outing, but the stuff is so nasty, that I think you have to look at him in most leagues.

Yoshinobu Yamamoto – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.59 vs. Robbie Ray – 6 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.65. This matchup was billed as, “Yamamoto vs. Yo, why yo’ pants so tight?”

Landen Roupp – 6 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.27. Headed into the break and I have Roupp in one league with crazy pitching. Oh, and I drafted only hitting in this league! Oh, Part II: Oh Again, my top drafted pitcher was Roki Sasaki, who I dropped. Here’s my preseason recap. By the by, I have a sub-3 ERA for my entire team! And you’re gonna tell me you can’t piece together pitching? I got Andrew Abbott for zero dollars in an NL-Only league! Look at this nutty shizz:

Hunter Brown – 5 IP, 4 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 2.43. 10 ER in his last 11 IP, and bring on the break for him, before Brown needs five-cent psychiatric help, because the doctor is out.

Framber Valdez – 6 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 2.75 vs. Jacob deGrom – 6 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 2.32. This was a matchup of two guys who will be in tomorrow’s top 100 for the 2nd half. Wonder who will be ranked first, asked absolutely no one who knows me, but they are close!

Adolis Garcia – 1-for-4 and his 13th homer, 3rd homer in the last four games. His last August and September were actually decent — not great, just decent. Still, decent has a place.

Marcus Semien – 1-for-4 and his 12th homer, 2nd homer in two games, third homer in five games. Hit .324 with four homers in June, and this is his 2nd season in a row where he started incredibly slow, i.e., Semien practicing tantric.

Nathan Eovaldi – 7 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 1.58. Only so low his ERA can go, soon he’s gonna throw a shutout and his ERA is gonna go up.

Christian Encarnacion-Strand – Was optioned to the minors. Saw someone describe this as a surprise. Yeah, sure, the guy with the .208/.234/.377 statline. Surprise, surprise, guys who suck get sent down.

Noah Cameron – 6 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 9 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 2.31. Just gotta keep out-performing your peripherals. It’s Parliamentary, my dear Cameron.

Frankie Montas – 5 IP, 1 ER, 4 hits, zero walks, 5 Ks, ERA at 5.03. I put in bids for Montas in all relevant leagues. Not because I love Montas, but I trust Jeremy Hefner.

Sean Manaea – 3 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 5 hits, zero walks, 7 Ks as he was activated from the IL. He piggybacked with Clay Holmes (5 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 3.31), and, if that’s piggybacking, it’s like CT carrying Johnny Bananas. That’s a lot more like Holmes was the starter and Manaea was the reliever. Wonder how long this arrangement lasts. Any hoo! Manaea looked excellent; I’ve always been a fan, and I would look to add where I could.

Brandon Woodruff – 4 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 5 hits, zero walks, 10 Ks, ERA at 2.61. I’m sorry, I didn’t think I’d be praising Woodruff either, but 10 Ks vs. zero walks in 4 1/3 IP? That’s damn good. (Speaking of praising Woodruff, I do want to name a dog Arfer Woofruff, and you better believe I would be praising that fella!)

Jackson Chourio – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 16th homer. Jack-Chou, God bless you!

Freddy Peralta – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.66. Baseball is funny (and ulcer-inducing), FreddyKBB’s down in Ks, looks like his iffiest year, and it’s been his best year for ERA. Very funny (ulcer)!

Eli Willits – Drafted 1st overall by the Nats. At 17 years old, he becomes the youngest number one overall, as the Nats announce they’ll be rebuilding for the next five years after rebuilding for the last three years. Angels selected Tyler Bremner with the 2nd pick, and the Angels announced he will be called up on Friday and he’s their representative for the All-Star Game. With the 4th pick, the Colorado Rockies selected Brian Dozier, hoping to lure him out of retirement. I’m sure Itch will have more on Wednesday.

Tommy Pham – 1-for-4 and his 4th homer, 2nd homer in a week, hitting near-.400 in July. Pham rounded the bases on his homer, spinning a sandwich board that read, “Will play a utility role for a playoff contender, and organize the team’s fantasy football league.”

Mitch Keller – 6 IP, 1 ER, 4 hits,z ero walks, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.48. He’s going into the break with 2nd most Quality Starts in the major leagues, only one behind Logan Webb. Making the John Cena “You can’t see me,” but for Keller.

Byron Buxton – 2-for-4, 1 RBI and on Saturday he completed the first cycle ever at Target. Unless you count Edward in the outdoor sports department, but that’s more of a mountain bike.

Cristopher Sanchez – 7 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.50. Have you been following the drama on Sanchez and Misiorowski with the All-Star Game? Misiorowski was named to the All-Star Game after five starts (25 2/3 IP) and Sanchez’s agent complained because Sanchez should’ve been named (and garnered a bonus, which the agent likely gets 10%), so the Phils gave Sanchez a participation bonus of $50K. Ridiculous that Misiorowski was named, but it sucks that Misiorowski is receiving any pushback from anyone. It’s not like he named himself to the team. Leave alone that gawky 6′ 7″ kid who looks like Beaker! Also, Sanchez pitched on Sunday, so was he hoping to get named for the bonus, then not play? That would’ve been legit hilarious after his people raised such a stink. Finally, why don’t fans vote on pitchers for the All-Star Game? Because availability concerns? Other pitchers bailed this year because they pitched this weekend, so I don’t see how the current system fixes that, and the whole process needs fixing. It’s currently as if it was designed to be awful. Something designed poorly by MLB with Rob Manfred in charge? No way!