Should You Kirby(our) Enthusiasm?

First, let’s stop to address our five female readers. Google analytics says there’s two mothers, and one is my mom — hi Mom! — and the other mother is one of our frequent commenter’s moms making sure I don’t use any naughty words. I’ll let you decide which commenter it is. Happy Mother’s Day to you, our lone mother unrelated to me. Hopefully your son was as filthy, in a good way, to you as George Kirby. So, this is what it’s like being in a league with Prospect Itch. Rookie is called up, I go to the waiver wire, Itch already has said rookie player and I grumble like Lisa Simpson. Rinse and repeat. This weekend’s grumbles were accompanied by me looking for Royce Lewis, Jarren Duran and George Kirby. In Friday’s Buy column, I went over Duran and Lewis (great comedy duo, by the way), but I was too optimistic on both, since Duran’s already been sent down and Lewis might not be far behind. That brings us back to George Kirby (6 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks). His stuff: a triple-digit speedball that sits 102. Weird, I sit 101, but I’m talking traffic and on a freeway. Here’s Itch’s breakdown of Kirby, “His off-speed stuff is less impressive, but his double-plus command makes everything play up and turns the fastball into multiple pitches. If you know you can hit the inside corner or the outside corner to hitters from both sides of the plate, that soon factors into your thinking as two different pitches, strategically speaking. He’s 6’4” 215 lbs and puts it together in a smooth, athletic delivery that should help him stay healthy, in theory. His outcomes have been stellar at every stop so far. And here’s hoping Grey gets punched in the head.” What? C’mon, man! So, I tried to grab Kirby in every league. The command should help the avoidance of roofies, and the upside is real and it’s spectacular. Yesterday’s start made a patient team look dumb. Even the Prospectonator (projections for every rookie) is optimistic, and it’s never optimistic. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Drew Rasmussen – 5 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.89. Drew’s been a great find for my teams! Drew found…? Draw’s been? Weird verb tense there with ‘Drew.’

Abraham Toro – 2-for-4 and his 4th homer, and his 2nd homer in two games. Hot schmotato that is only slightly less hot than our next schmotato.

Manuel Margot – 2-for-3 and a slam (3) and legs (3), and his 3rd homer in three days. You’re not going to find a hotter hot schmotato, including you, Toro.

Chris Sale – Has been delayed, due to a personal, non-Covid medical issue. Oh, vague! He must’ve got his balls stuck in his zipper!

James Paxton – Has elbow soreness. Incredible that it’s only the first time this year. He’s usually got three elbow-related issues by May.

Michael Wacha – Hit the IL with intercostal irritation. When it rains it pours, and right now it’s raining directly above Fenway. This allowed Tanner Houck (2 2/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 5.70) to get the start on Sunday, and that turned out exactly as well as you would’ve imagined.

Alek Thomas – 1-for-3, 1 run as he was called up by the Diamondbacks. You know you have too many leagues when you go to pickup a player, and you already have them on your team. That happened with Alek Thomas, and now you’re aware of it. Lucky you. I even grabbed Alek Thomas in my RCL league, and that was dropping Royce Lewis. So, now my stuff that you don’t care about is out of the way, our hitter prospect projections are pretty favorable for Al Tom, and you can kinda see why when you look at his profile. Speed/power and great contact — yes, please and thank you. He was on Prospect Itch’s top 100 prospects for 2022 fantasy, and he called him a 15/15/.280 type, but upside, my lovelies, upside.

Zac Gallen – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 0.95. Okay, time to give a deeper look at this Gallen like an old lady picking out milk. His command has taken a huge step forward this year. He’s abandoned his slider, and redistributed it to a cutter, and the stuff is playing up. He’s putting more pitches in the zone, and causing more whiffs. The sample size is still small — that’s what she said, derisively — but if the command holds, he’s at worst a number two.

Shane Bieber – 3 1/3 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 4.13. Yeah, but in this game Gausman gave up his first walk, so, really, who lost here?

Didi Gregorius – Hit the IL with a knee sprain. Bryson Stott was recalled from Lehigh Valley, which is different than knee-high valley, that’s Catholic school.

Bryce Harper – 2-for-8, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer. My concerns for his elbow maybe were blown out of proportion. Dot dot dot. Like his elbow will be if he tweaks it just wrong.

Pete Alonso – 3-for-8, 5 RBIs and two homers (6, 7). Albombso-so!

Max Scherzer – 6 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.92. Went over him in this week’s Buy, Sell, Hold:

Sonny Gray – 4 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 3.48 as he was activated from the IL in time to face his old club, the A’s. Must’ve been nice to see so many old faces like…um…Well, Beane’s there still, and…uh…the hot dog vendor in section 225.

Chris Paddack – 2 1/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 4.03. Pimply-faced teenager runs into frame, screaming, “Watch out! Paddack is falling back to earth!”

Ramon Laureano – 0-for-4 as he was activated from the Cheater’s List. He didn’t prosper on that list, he was suspended without pay! Learn your lesson, children who take PEDs!

Steven Matz – 2 IP, 8 ER, ERA at 7.01. “Only I can fix the dead-ball era” — famous quote from Steven Matz looking at his hands.

Juan Yepez – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. Perfectly vibing with my iPhone when it autocorrects Yepez to Yeppers. You wish you had someone who understands you as well as my phone understands me.

LaMonte Wade Jr. – 1-for-2, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. He hit that for LaMomma Wade.

Mike Yastrzemski – 1-for-2, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer. Carl’s Jr. Jr. made it through five pitching changes, a new record for a Giants hitter.

Frank Schwindel – Optioned to the minors. Cubs did a Ctrl+Alt+SchwinDEL. Guess that means the Cubs are turning to Alfonso Rivas, who has zero power, zero speed but a winning personality! And he might hit .260.

Eduardo Rodriguez – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 1 hit, 3 walks, 8 Ks, ERA at 4.50. Em-effing Ed-Rod is baaaaaaaaaaack! Or he had one good game. Meh, maybe the latter, but Streamonator loves his next start and so do I.

Michael Lorenzen – 4 2/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 4.13. The real Lorenzen showed up and it wasn’t pretty. Welp, the Angels still have his terrible hitting, if they want to give that a chance.

Tanner Rainey – 2/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 3.12. The best , and I mean best, is when you don’t have a closer get a save for a while, finally get a chance and then Amber Heard the bed. Just an absolute chef’s kiss.

Joe Dunand – Didn’t play on Sunday; hit his 1st homer on Saturday. Dunand was called up to replace the IL’d Jon Berti, and Elias Sports Bureau said Dunand’s the first player whose last name starts the Pink Panther creeping.

Trevor Rogers – 5 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 5.00. Nice bounce back with a wildly inefficient start. Lowercase yay! This start gives me no hope his next start won’t be a Three Mile Island-type disaster. By the way, Three Mile Island: The original TMI.

Cole Sulser – 2/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 2.92 with the massive blown save, as Anthony Bender (1 IP, 0 ER) pitched the 6th. Why? Only explanation is Don Mattingly was hit on the head too many times by his ex-wife.

Joe Musgrove – 7 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 2.08. Not quite as clean a line as his opponent, Rogers, but, besides a Chisholm homer, Musgrove looked much better.

Andrew McCutchen – Hit the Covid IL, and the Brewers called up Brosseau. “Whoa,” that’s what Brosseau.

Aaron Ashby – 4 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 4.24. So, what you’re saying is I shouldn’t stream Ashby? Okay, loud and clear!

William Contreras – 1-for-2, 4 RBIs and a slam (3) and legs (1). Also, he’s hitting ninth, so he’s actually moved Swanson up to 8th! Contreras is doing it all!

Charlie Morton – 5 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners (3 BBs), 5 Ks, ERA at 5.65. The results were better, but it was more because the results couldn’t get worse, and he didn’t look that much better.

Adam Duvall – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 2nd homer. I will bet you any amount of money (once I unload my NFTs) that Duvall will homer again in the next three games, and have four homers by the end of this week.

Kole Calhoun – 1-for-4 and his 1st homer. Finally, the Rangers get something out of someone with the last name Calhoun.

Dane Dunning – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.38. He was dropped in one of my leagues, and I’m not exactly sure why, but I put in some FAAB to try to acquire him. He’s a meh fastball guy who relies on his breaking stuff, but it works for him, and his 3.18 xFIP says most, and his 8.7 K/9 says more. Not an ace, but absolutely rosterable in most 12-team, mixed leagues and deeper.

Gleyber Torres – 2-for-4 and his 4th homer. Can make a goof about how this was his first career homer vs. someone not named the Orioles, but he also has four homers, and that’s more than most of the guys on my fantasy teams.

Giancarlo Stanton – 1-for-6, 3 RBIs and his 6th homer, hitting .260. Only thing you need to worry about with Giancarlo is his health, and his ability to shake me when I’m following him in a dark alley.

Jake Odorizzi – 5 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.38, and 1 ER in the last 17 2/3 IP, after giving up 9 ER in his first 9 IP. On 4/20, Odorizzi had a season high 9.00 ERA and ever since it’s been wine and Odoroses. Looking like the pickup that should’ve been, but still might be in some leagues. By the way, if you found us by searching “4/20 + high” why did you click all the way to search result page 790? Oh, wait, I think I know.

Alex Bregman – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 5th homer, hitting .235. This game was against the Tigers, and A.J. Hinch. Before the game, it was pretty cool Bregman and Hinch exchanged lineup cards, and garbage can lids.

Jordan Lyles – 7 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.32. Streamonator was just a tad positive yesterday on this start, and it hates his next, so *raspberries lips*.

Bruce Zimmermann – 6 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners (zero walks), 5 Ks, ERA at 2.67. Maybe it’s the name Bruce — it sounds like a chiropractor. Maybe it’s the Orioles. It could definitely be that. It’s just hard to trust this guy, but his peripherals are saying he’s pitching as well as it seems.

Tyler Mahle – 5 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 6.46. If you’re not shutting down the Pirates with filth, what are you even doing?

Connor Overton – 5 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.53. Didn’t used to be a good pitcher, but with pitching not being as good as it once was, Overton has shifted the discourse.

Colin Moran – 2-f0r-4, 6 RBIs and his 1st and 2nd homer. One homer for Moran is a Chachi, two homers is a Cha-ching!

Roberto Perez – Hit the IL with a hamstring strain. Pirates replaced him on the roster with Michael Perez, Roberto’s father.

Owen Miller – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer, hitting .352. Ownin’ Owen? Not if I can help it.

Alek Manoah – 5 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 1.75. Happy Mother’s Day to Alek Manoah’s mom, Mommah. You filled a hole in our hearts left empty by Mike Napoli’s mom, and, for that, we are forever grateful and eternally thirsty.