Filling out an Evite, “You are invited to join us as our son Rafael Devers is called to the Torah for his Star Mitzvah. At 10 o’clock in the morning at Temple Kev-in Youkilis across from Merloni’s Bar & Grill. A lunch of kugel and hot dogs will follow the ceremony. In lieu of gifts, please send prayers that Nathan Eovaldi can actually close games. Good Chavis to all.” Been meaning to send these Evites out for a while, but I was waiting for Devers to finish his Hebrew classes and Alex Cora to name a closer. Yesterday, Devers went 4-for-5, 6 RBIs with his 13th and 14th homer, hitting .329. Think it might be surprising how well Devers is actually doing. On the Player Rater, he’s breathing down the top 10 for all of fantasy. You hit for a high average, steal some bases, hit some home runs, and hit in the middle of a great lineup? Yeah, that was the recipe for fantasy latkes Andrew Benintendi had been using to make himself a top 20 player previously. Now he’s making the wackness. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
David Price – 6 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners (4 BBs), 7 Ks, ERA at 3.33. Does that count as shoving? Have you heard this? When pitchers throw well people are saying the pitcher shoved. I’m not a snowflake (that I know of), but that sounds effin stupid. I’d take the term ‘shove’ and shove it. Nah’mean?
Christian Vazquez – 3-for-5, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 12th homer. He had ten homers in four seasons combined! Our Commissioner Manfred, “Hey, look at the birdie!” as he slides juiced balls into the umpire’s ball pouch.
Trent Thornton – 2 2/3 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 5.18. When you’re pitching for the BJs, you kinda have to suck. Comes with the job.
Danny Jansen – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer. Not bad for the kid who played Jonathan on Who’s the Boss? Their question mark, not mine.
Luke Voit – Hit the IL with an ab strain. He should do crunches like me. I tape Nestle candy to my stomach as I’m sneaking into the theater then when the usher asks what that noise is under my shirt, I say, “I’m doing crunches.” Kinda glad Voit was IL’d rather than him try to play at some point this week and have the IL stint end up some time in August. Hopefully, he’s able to return soon after the break.
Logan Morrison – Requested his release from the Yankees. This is like when your friend says he wants to divorce his wife, who is way too good for him and you’re like, “Dude, just because the barista put a heart in the latte foam does not mean she’s into you.”
Steven Matz – Was moved to the bullpen until the break. Since Matz has a 6.10 ERA for the 1st time through the order, this sounds like a move that could pay off immediately for opposing hitters.
Zack Wheeler – 6 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 4.42. Told you to buy Wheeler low about three starts ago. Since then, 4 ER in 19 1/3 IP with 20 Ks. Yup.
Jose Urquidy – 3 2/3 IP, 2 ER as he was called up to pitch in Coors. His minor league numbers are goofy spectacular (104/15 K/BB in 76 2/3 IP), so I’m at least cyclops’ing him, and at worse–Wait, ‘at worse’ is ‘at least,’ isn’t it? Hmm, painted myself into a semantics corner. On a side note, Jose Urquidy used to go by the name Jose Hernandez, but changed it, and is claiming he’s only 24 years old. I wonder if we’re going to be singing about the dawning of the age of Urquidy! The age of Urquidy! (That’s only lyrics I know from that song.)
Yuli Gurriel – 3-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 9th and 10th homer, hitting .272. After the game, he called his son, Lourdes, asking, “Did you watch what your daddy did?” Lourdes sighed loudly, like a brat, then, “It was in Coors.”
Trevor Story – 2-for-5, 1 run as he was activated from the IL. Kevin from ESPN’s “Get Him In Your Lineup” Department said, “I drank two five-hour energy drinks and I can hear my own hair growing.”
Jake Odorizzi – 3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 3.15. Thrashed my ERA then came out of the game with a blister. What’s worse, the only known cure is Moises Alou peeing on his hand.
Jason Castro – 3-for-4, and his 9th and 10th homer, hitting .248. A Castro hasn’t been this big of a hit since Che Guevara was wearing shirts with his own face.
Matt Olson – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 17th homer, hitting .247. He’d be on pace for 45 homers if he didn’t miss five weeks. Zoinks!
Ross Stripling – 4 2/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 3.45. At no point this season has he shown me he’s capable of starting this year. Streamonator thinks his next start is a go, and I think the robot doesn’t realize how off Stripling’s been this year.
Kyle Hendricks – 3 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 3.45 as he was activated from the IL. I blame Hendricks for not coming back a day earlier to help me avoid Adbert Alzolaying the egg.
Adam Frazier – 4-for-4, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his 4th homer, hitting .276, raising his average 24 points in two games. Something like nine for his last ten, and holy hot schmotatoes; he’s Batman!
Juan Soto – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 15th homer, hitting .301. Stay thirsty, Sexy Dr. Pepper!
Eugenio Suarez – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 20th homer, and his 25th homer in the last three days. Eugenio did a 180 from his month of June when he hit .180, or a 360 to his May when he hit .360, depending on his agility.
Yasiel Puig – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 18th homer, hitting .242. When Puig lets one fly!
Mike Moustakas – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 24th homer. Moistasskiss!
Eric Thames – 1-for-3 and his 13th homer, and his 3rd homer in four games. I keep saying hot schmotato and grab him, but I’m not sensing the urgency. He can be a top 50 bat in the 2nd half.
Christian Yelich – 1-for-5 and his 31st homer. About to start calling him Christinsanity.
Tyler Beede – 7 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 5.64. I could be remembering this wrong, but I feel like this is the 1st time all year I randomly streamed a guy and it worked out.
Evan Longoria – 4-for-5, 3 runs, 5 RBIs and his 9th and 10th homers, and three homers in the last two games, and left is right and right is rain and Longoria is actually hot.
Matt Strahm – 5 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 5.42. Strahm is so broke I hope he’s fixable, but I wouldn’t be hoping for that while he was on my team.
Franmil Reyes – 2-for-4 and his 25th homer. I only say this, like, three times a week, but I can’t get over that Wil Myers (1-for-2, 2 RBIs and his 12th homer) became a bench bat for the Padres. So crazy. Maybe they’ll trade him at the deadline and stockpile more future sexpots.
Brandon Lowe – 3-for-3, 2 RBIs and slam (16) and legs (5), but then was removed from the game with a right leg contusion. His left leg was like, “Yo, you gonna keep limping or get that checked out?” Legs stick together, especially when it’s humid.
Charlie Morton – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 12 Ks, ERA at 2.36. Season-high strikeouts for Morton. You need to have ice in your veins to sell a guy who is at his absolute peak. But you ever peer over the side when at the peak? You’re peering down, aren’t you? You’re not peering up, are you? Dude, I’m being philosophical!
Chance Sisco – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer, 3rd homer in the last four games and, well, he’s only had 49 ABs, so roughly a 50-homer pace. Give him those AB-ABs, and take a Chance on me! No foolsies, I picked him last week, and am kicking myself for dropping him when he had a day off. Gonna go back in on him when he comes off waivers, if I can get him.
Aaron Nola – 8 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.89. Ain’t gonna say I told you he’d bounce back, because, brucely, I didn’t. I thought Nola was headed for a lost season. Like the season with the hatch or the flash forwards. Hows’ever, he now has three straight dominant starts (24 IP, 1 ER, 28 Ks), taking his ERA from a miserable 4.89 a full run better in three starts. From the looks of it, he found his feel for the curve. His fastball velocity has been down the last three starts (not terribly), but his curveball effectiveness has moved in a positive direction, which is 12 to 6. The 1st two Quality Starts were against the Mets and Marlins, so I thought it might’ve been matchups, but yesterday’s start in Atlanta was impressive, and vintage Nola, like Paul Prudhomme throwing a chef’s kiss.
Matt Carpenter – Hit the IL with “We can’t keep making up a reason why we don’t want to start him, can someone ask the trainer to make up an injury for him?” It’ll prolly take anywhere from 10 days to two months to heal.
Yairo Munoz – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer, hitting .316, as he hits near-.400 in the last week. Since Carpenter’s out, I have some quick love for Munoz. If a chef is reading, à la Munoz.
Jose Martinez – 2-for-4 and his 6th and 7th homer, hitting .285. This was Jo-Ma’s best game of the season, and best offensive game of the season for any Cards hitter. Okay, maybe not that, but it feels that way.
Jack Flaherty – 4 2/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 4.90. This won’t be surprising to you; Flaherty won’t be in my top 100 for the 2nd half that’s coming next week, but it would be shocking to March Grey. *March Grey lowers his Pina Colada in the Maldives, “Don’t speak for me.”
Hunter Pence – Won’t return from the IL after aggravating his groin in rehab games. What kind of games were they and did they involve keys in a fishbowl?
Elvis Andrus – 1-for-3, 1 run and his 17th, 18th and 19th steal, and one was a steal of home. He’s only the 5th player to steal home three times in a season since 1975. Find someone who loves you like Andrus loves to steal home.
Delino DeShields – 2-for-4 and his 2nd homer. If this were the 2nd game of the 2015 season, I’d be screaming I told you so about DeShizz.
Mike Minor – 4 1/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 2.54. Regression Fairies take your well-manicured hands and get away from Minor!
Jake Bauers – 4-for-5, 1 run, 3 RBIs, hitting .237. He’s now six for his last seven. The Ghost of Ted Williams, “That’s pretty good,” then Ted sneezes and, “I feel like I have a head cold.”
Trevor Bauer – 6 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 3.74. At least he was staying on brand yesterday with being a PITA.
Jorge Soler – 2-for-3 and his 23rd homer, hitting .238. Soler hitting ’em where the sun don’t shine! In the night sky. What did you think I meant?
Adalberto Mondesi – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 7th homer, as he was activated from the IL. Kevin from ESPN’s “Get Him In Your Lineup” Department climbed on top of a desk and screamed, “We celebrate July 4th because it’s the anniversary of Will Smith’s best movie!”