Apparently, it was never the elevation in Coors. It was because it was cold in Colorado. Or at least that’s what the Yanks/Tigers game looked like last night while it was played in Arctic temps (granted, a hot day in the Arctic) and snow. Other teams may get some ideas that it’s all about the cold. “Let’s get Howard, Utley, Galvis and Asche on that side of the air conditioner, and the outfield on the other side. Now go straight from the AC to the batter’s box. No, don’t stop at the on-deck circle! You’re dropping to room temp!” Yesterday, David Price gave up 8 ER on 13 baserunners in 2 1/3 IP. That reminded Yankee fans of their teams from the 1950s, or when most of the current roster was teenagers. Obviously, this is just a blip, but if you can buy Price from a panicked owner, I’d consider it, even if it did seem yesterday like Price was Rocky screaming at Mickey to cut him. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Joe Nathan – Exited his rehab assignment after aggravating his elbow injury. Funny, I aggravate myself whenever I draft him.
Gregorio Petit – 1-for-2, 3 RBIs. With the Yanks middle infield combo of Gregorio/Gregorius, the Yankees right field bleacher chants have never been so moving.
Brian McCann – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 1 RBI. He’s a professional hitter! Seriously, they pay him to play baseball, hitting’s involved.
Chase Headley – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs. Just another Yankee hitter that was grooving in Motown. He ain’t Headley, he’s my brother.
Mark Teixeira – 1-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 5th homer. Don’t have to tell me twice! Apparently, you have to tell me five times because I dropped Lind and grabbed Te(i)x in my RCL. (My RCL where I’m in first by, like, 30 points. Good showing, guys!)
David Wright – Expected out for three weeks. He better hurry, the Mets might clinch by then.
Matt Harvey – Has a foot issue and having it looked at by doctors. All of us that don’t own him can hope he misses the podiatrist’s office and accidentally goes to the pediatrician’s and gets chicken pox.
Eric Stults – 6 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 5 Ks. Stults looked Some Kind of Wonderful yesterday, but usually he resembles Rocky Dennis.
Dillon Gee – 7 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 3 Ks. Gee ended up with a no decision, but the Mets still won. I swear, Jeurys Familia is going to tie Mariano’s career mark in one year.
Wilmer Flores – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer. His other homers came on my off days so I didn’t mention him, but he’s raised his average from .143 to .273 in the last ten games and has three homers in that time. I own Flores on two teams, and I’d consider him for more.
Dexter Fowler – Left yesterday’s game with groin tightness. That’s something that every Cubs fan is currently suffering from.
Vance Worley – 5 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks. Okay, but never trust The Vanimal.
Gregory Polanco – 2-for-4 and his 1st homer. Polanco is basically Marte just a year behind him in school. Damn, that made me think of Underclassman, the terrible Nick Cannon movie. Was it not enough to ruin my favorite movie, Can’t Buy Me Love? Was it not enough?!
Mark Melancon – T. Wats– Sorry, Tony Watson got the save yesterday (2 IP, 0 ER), but only because Melancon had worked in previous days. Hurdle said that he was going to keep Melancon as the closer. Hurdle went on to add, “I didn’t spend all that time to learn how to correctly pronounce Melancon for nothing.” Yesterday’s game does clarify the hierarchy for saves for when Melancon finally gets replaced. Get and own T. Wats– Sorry, Watson.
Starling Marte – Left yesterday’s game after being hit on the hand by a Hammel pitch. Buh-buh-buh-buh-but Marte is my Blue Ivy. Baby needs me and I need him! X-rays are coming back that he’s fine. He best be, otherwise Hammel and I gonna be warring. I might even war with Hamels cause his name is so similar.
Matt Wieters – Expected to try out his elbow in extended spring training. As long as it’s not hyper-extended spring training. High five!
Jimmy Paredes – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and a slam (1) and legs (1). Hey, it’s Ethel Merman’s favorite player!
Devon Travis – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs and a slam (4) and legs (1). Pedafroia Man is back! You remember Pedafroia Man’s hit single, “Because I didn’t get drafted high.”
Jose Bautista – Due to a throw to first from right field, he hurt his shoulder and could require a DL stint. Here’s one for John Gibbons or anyone that wants to play at home. Who’s the Jays DH? You can Google it if you need to, I’ll wait. If Gibbons is reading and needs to Google it, it’s sorta my point. Edwin was the DH yesterday, but he can play 1st. So, really the only ‘bats’ that need to DH are Justin Smoak and Dioner Navarro. Those are the reasons Bautista is risking serious injury. Good thing Bautista’s in the outfield with a shoulder that makes it impossible for him to throw. An excellent call, Gibbons. *smashes head into desk, desk’s middle gives and head gets stuck* A little help!
Aaron Sanchez – 5 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners (7 BBs), 4 Ks. Are we sure he isn’t Jonathan Sanchez in disguise?
Justin Smoak – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. No word on how long Bautista might be out. He could be back today, but, in deep leagues, I would cyclops-monocle Smoak. I like him if he’s getting playing time.
Shane Victorino – Left yesterday’s game due to hamstring tightness. In related news, 99% of fantasy baseballers went to their league waivers to see if Rusney was available. It sounds minor with Victorino, and Rusney isn’t even playing himself.
Dustin Pedroia – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer. Pedroia making sure no one forgets he’s the original Sparky Anklebiter. Mini OG!
David Ortiz – 1-for-4 and his 3rd homer, hitting .208. Speaking of OGs (Old Geezers, in this example), Ortiz has looked his age in the early going and I’m gonna start calling him David Oldgeez if he doesn’t pick up the pace.
Alex Cobb – The Tampa Bay Peach is set to throw a bullpen session on Friday. Mid to late-May seem the most optimistic of timetables. Definitely more optimistic than 1 x 1 = 1. That is the saddest times table. Who’s doing that math? Aimee Mann?
Steven Souza – 2-for-4 and his 4th homer, but left early with a forearm cramp. Sounds like he’ll be fine. Just take two Midol. Not you, Cougs! Damn, I was reading that aloud.
Nate Karns – 6 IP, 5 ER. Karnsarnit!
Asdrubal Cabrera – 2-for-4, 2 runs. Welcome to the 2015 season, ‘Drubal!
J.T. Realmuto – 2-for-5, hitting .304. Meanwhile, Saltalamacchia spent the afternoon spelling his name to a Starbucks barista.
Jarred Cosart – 6 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks vs. the Phils. The Stream-o-Nator yesterday predicted Cosart would get six innings, four strikeouts and give up two earned runs. Stupid machine!
Cody Asche – 1-for-3 and his 2nd homer, hitting .340. In the Phils’ lineup, Asche is the Cracker Jack prize. Not in the traditional sense, because some people like the caramel corn and nuts. No, it’s like Asche is stuck in the middle of the crack of a very large man named Jack.
Cole Hamels – 6 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks. Right after the game, he sent his LinkedIn profile to the Giants.
Wilin Rosario – Sent to Triple-A. It’s a real pain for Wilin to pack since he’s currently carrying with him every other team’s jersey.
LaTroy Hawkins – Sent to the Disgraceful List with a biceps injury. While it was being reported, you could hear Walt Weiss in his office playing Eminem’s Cleaning Out My Closet.
Corey Dickerson – 2-for-3 and two home runs (3, 4). Put your plantar fasciitis concerns in a pot and plant ’em in a well-lit spot!
Yangervis Solarte – 1-for-4 and his 2nd homer, hitting .343 and that was his 2nd homer since Sunday. Hot schmotato alert!
Wil Myers – 1-for-4 and his 2nd homer, hitting .309. Prolly the one player I own more than any other player, so I’m being sincere when I tell you I call collect to Nepal every night and ask a sherpa to pray for Myers.
Kolten Wong – 3-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 1st homer, hitting .325. What fun, Wong dong! I give it about five days until the Cards move the .193-hitting Heyward out of the two hole.
Matt Adams – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer. Did anyone see the replay of his home run trot? If you didn’t, imagine he crossed home doing The Truffle Shuffle.
Doug Fister – 6 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 3 Ks. Fister was hit hard by Wong and Carpenter. All they needed was a pizza deliveryman and they would’ve had an amateur film.
Archie Bradley – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners (5 BBs), 2 Ks vs. the Rangers. Coming into the game, the Rangers had a .291 OBP. Andrus hadn’t walked yet this season, Bradley walked him. Beltre had a .234 OBP. Walked him too. Odor had a .288 OBP, yup, him too. I like Bradley, and he has a 1.45 ERA, but his peripherals are about as bad as they come.
Chris Owings – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. I liked Owings coming into the year, and he went 3-for-4 on Sunday with a steal and could be starting to heat up. I wouldn’t say I’m Owings Chris yet, but I’m about to.
A.J. Pollock – 2-for-3, 1 run, 1 RBI, and his 2nd steal, hitting .358. Judging Pollock on his first four games when he was hitting .130 was like judging Pollock by how clean he kept his studio.
Adrian Beltre – 2-for-3 and his 2nd homer, hitting .183. Up until now he’s been like A-drain. Amiright?!
Carlos Quentin – Signed a minor league deal with the Mariners. Quentin, there’s no such thing as minor league deals, there’s only minor league players, remember that!
Mike Zunino – 1-for-3 and his 2nd home run. Who’s Zunino’ing who?!
J.A. Happ – 7 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.61. The Stream-o-Nator predicted Happ would get 5.7 Ks, 2.6 ER and go 6 IP. What a crock!
Brad Miller – 2-for-3, 1 RBI, hitting .298. If this is a trust exercise, I’m failing. You hurt me too much last year!
Chris Carter – 2-for-4 and his 1st homer, hitting .122, which, I believe, is just percentage points above his career average.
Matt Shoemaker – Placed on the bereavement list. That’s nice of him to mourn my fantasy team’s ratios.
Ben Zobrist – Ready to do baseball activities. So, he went from getting scratched to scratching himself.
Billy Butler – 2-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 3rd homer, and his 2nd in as many games, hitting .377. Why can’t his walk-up music be Chili’s baby back rib jingle?
Ike Davis – 3-for-5, 1 run, 1 RBI, hitting .348, which comes a day after he pitched a 1-2-3 inning. Regarding the ease in which he took the mound, Ike said he just imagined pitching to himself.
Josh Reddick – 3-for-5 and Marcus Semien went 2-for-4, 1 run with his 2nd steal. Didn’t see the game, but I’m guessing Semien was running because of Reddick.
Sonny Gray – 7 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks vs. the Angels. I love my Sonny boy, so don’t take this the wrong way, but the Angels offense looks pitiful. It’s Calhoun, Trout then a bunch of pooholes.
Clayton Kershaw – 6 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 9 Ks vs. Madison Bumgarner 6 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks. This was also a rematch of Tino Fernandez and Walter Thompson. Oh, you don’t know those two people. They just meet by the giant glove in the outfield and shout insults at each other.
Alex Guerrero – 1-for-1, 2 RBIs, hitting .438. And still pinch hitting! Seriously, someone needs to paste a mustache on Mattingly’s face while he’s asleep so he wakes up with some smarts. He’s the King of the Mr. Bungles.
Danny Santana – 2-for-5, hitting .218. I hear the calls for Dannys’s head. 10-4, over-the-internet buddies. I still think you should hold him a bit longer.
Mike Pelfrey – 7 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks. I might be going crazy, but where are the bats on the Pelfrey?
Jimmy Nelson – 8 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA down to 1.35. Just as I drew it up when I meant to draft him everywhere and got him nowhere. Nelson looks like the one bright spot for the Brewers team. Well that and they didn’t lose anyone to an injury yesterday. By the by, I have K-Rod on multiple teams and am dying for saves in those leagues. T. Wats–Sorry, Tony Watson has as many saves as you and he’s not even an official closer!
Johnny Cueto – 8 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks vs. the Lose Crew. Takes a real bully like Cueto to beat up on the Brewers when they’re down. Speaking of which, stream everyone against the Brewers.
Carlos Carrasco – Indians revealed that he was removed early on Tuesday due to being tight. I sure hope the Indians are using that in the Urban Dictionary sense like, “Carrasco is tight, yo!”
Michael Brantley – 0-for-3, hitting .226. Saberhagenmetrics is a fickle mistress that deletes from your DVR the result show of The Voice and tells your wife you watched it without her.
Corey Kluber – 6 IP, 6 ER, 14 baserunners, 6 Ks. More like Klubed.
Jose Abreu – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 5th homer. The Grande Dolor looks like he is worth the price of admission. The price of admission is having Frank Thomas send cease and desist letters every time Abreu’s mentioned.
Adam Eaton – 2-for-5, 2 runs. Mr. hot schmotato rising! Got to keep on rising!
Jeff Samardzija – 6 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA down to 3.33. Alphabet Soup didn’t look like he had his best stuff, but as Hawk Harrelson said– Oh, who are we kidding, I wouldn’t watch a White Sox game with the Hawk feed. That guy would grate on a monk’s nerves. I asked my Nepal prayer sherpa, he confirmed.
