Perez’s Eurythmic Starts Are Made Of Sweet Dreams

Eury Perez might’ve became an ace, I think. I don’t want to say that he did and have him go caca-cuckoo and sideways. I’m very careful about what I say, even if it seems like I’m literally putting my mouth into a megaphone and screaming at speech-to-text on my phone. “Get me a seltzer! Order it on Amazon? No, Siri! Get it from the fridge! Not fudge! Fridge! Not fudge! Fridge! The fudgerator, goddamn it!” In his last ten starts, Eury Perez went 1.86 ERA with a 65:16 K:BB in 57 innings. Last night, more of the same: 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.39. I say, “I think he became an ace,” and not, “I know he became an ace,” because there’s zero double digit strikeout games in that time, and 65:16 K:BB is solid, but Misiorowski is 58:3. Now, there’s only one BEST PITCHER IN BASEBALL. I get that, but to be an ace is sub-3 ERA and 11 K/9-ish. He’s not quite there, but there’s still a little bit more there and he can get there, I think. Maybe he can also go to the fudgerator for me. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Kyle Stowers – Hit the IL with a strained hamstring. Do you get back in next year? I don’t think I can. Last year looks like an aberration and I’m aber-rationing myself off bums. Cal Raleigh, Vlad Jr., Stowers, all the bums.

Esteury Ruiz – 1-for-2, 2 runs and a slam (6) and legs (28).With Stowers sidelined with being a bum, Ruiz could see everyday at-bats and SAGNOF.

Paul Skenes – 5 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.88. Enjoy Misiorowski. That’s all I’m saying. Just enjoy him, because you thought you had Skenes to enjoy and he’s out there serving up fatties to Esteury Ruiz, like it’s Paul “Slumpbuster” Skenes.

Gunnar Henderson – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 19th homer, hitting .216. Gunnar is the man, bro! He’s so good! I’m doing a positive affirmation thing, is it at all believable? No? I’ll try harder! Unlike Gunnar!

Pete Alonso – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 26th homer. Albombso!

Christian Encarnacion-Strand – 3-for-4 and a slam (4) and legs (1). He rarely plays, and that gets me hotter than a habanero! I’ll tell ya! The O’s sold off their guys. They are not going for it. So, why not just play some of your young players to see what you have? You shouldn’t be trying to “manage” the small picture by working matchups. You should be “managing” the big picture by getting guys everyday at-bats.

Brandon Young – 6 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.33. Bra-You sounds like a Caveman trying to raise a daughter on his own, and his underlying stats make me grunt in an unfavorable way. Streamonator? Sure, but things are iffy under the hood.

Jo Adell – 1-for-2, 2 RBIs and his 17th homer, and his 1st home run on the Guardians. He’s coming for your team record, Jim Thome!

Chase DeLauter – 3-for-5 and his 13th homer, hitting .281. “How about I Chase YourDaughter?” Overheard at Guardians’ game when a new bride left her husband and father in the stands alone. After an awkward pause, “Can I call you dad?”

Tanner Bibee – 6 1/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 3.99. AL Central is: ‘Member that game, Frogger? Well, imagine the frog is every team and it gets halfway into the first lane and is run over.

Ryan Weathers – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.69. He seems to have *pinkie to mouth* Weathers’d the dead arm and came out on the other side.

Bryan Woo – 5 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.15. He had a 6.17 ERA in away games prior to this jaunt through the Bronx, so if you started him, you can answer the question: Is it better to be lucky or good?

Randy Arozarena – 1-for-4 and his 15th homer. He has five homers and one steal since I told you to sell him on July 10th, and hitting around .260 (I did the math in my head for the average, so don’t sue me for my Gregg Jefferies’ rookie cards).

Adley Rutschman – 1-for-3 as he was activated from the IL, as he hit third, hitting .252. That’s a little funny. Red Sox are like, “This guy who, ya know, is new is now hitting in the best spot in the lineup.” Sort of an indictment of the Sawx lineup. Sorta also silly, because Wilyer Abreu (1-for-3 and a slam (21) and legs (8), hitting .254) is better; Willson Contreras (0-for-4, hitting .280) is better, Ceddanne Rafaela (1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 16th homer) is better.

Patrick Sandoval – 6 IP, 2 ER, 11 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.30. Fan of Sandoval — A Fandoval — but this line included two more unearned runs and a bunch of baserunners for a little tying to the WHIPping post.

Dylan Cease – 5 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.40. Waiter tossing your Cease’r with four walks table side, giving you runs before touching the lettuce.

Martin Perez – 6 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 2.96. Yes, he has a sub-3 ERA and on waivers in some leagues. Presumably, leagues that count ERA.

Matt Olson – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 35th homer. Zero homers to go!

Ozzie Albies – 1-for-3 and his 20th homer. Ozzie using the bat to take a bite out of the ball!

Nolan McLean – 6 IP, 1 ER, 1 hit, 2 walks, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.42. So. Dot dot dot. The Mets were scoring runs recently, but not in this game.

Joe Musgrove – Says he feels the best he’s felt in two years. That’s cool, he only needs two years between starts to feel good. Great stuff.

Luis Rengifo – 2-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 3rd homer, a grand slam. Rengifo with the Padres: .321, 3 HRs, 12 RBIs, one beautiful shining example of why it’s okay to have unrequited loves.

Fernando Tatis Jr. – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 12th homer. Fun The Jewels!

Kyle Harrison – 4 2/3 IP, 8 ER, ERA at 3.47. Sigh. He’s still hurt, huh? Would’ve been nice to say that prior to the game.

Jarred Kelenic – 1-for-1, 1 RBI as he was recalled, but didn’t start the game. He went from can’t-miss prospect to you likely couldn’t guess which team he’s now on.

Joc Pederson – 1-for-1 and his 22nd homer, 2nd homer in four games. Fun fact! When Joc runs the bases, he sings, “Joc around the block tonight, we’re gonna Joc Joc Joc ’til broad daylight.”

Cody Bradford – 7 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 1 K, ERA at 2.38. One strikeout in seven innings? Oh, Bradford’s back, baby! Now he just needs to cut his one walk to, like, a half a walk, and he’ll be fully back.

Nick Kurtz – Unlikely to return this year. Quietly crying, “Life is a mystery, everyone must stand alone,” sobbing now, “I hear you call my name,” loud uncontrollable sobs, “And it feels like home.”

Yandy Diaz – 1-for-5, 3 runs and his 17th homer, and 2nd homer in two games. Let’s go, Al Brawn!

Junior Caminero – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 35th homer, and 2nd homer in two games and 5th homer in August. Juco Loco receivamente diploma de heaven!

Taylor Walls – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 1st and 2nd homer. Actually started Walls in one league, and, before you offer to measure my head to see how big my brain is, think about how awful my team must be to start Taylor Walls.

Victor Mesa Jr. – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 10th homer. Imagine if the Rays were in a minor league stadium as their home all year. It isn’t hard if you try.

Nick Martinez – 9 IP, 4 ER, 8 hits, zero walks, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.74. What kind of deal did he make with the devil and can he barter souls for some of the pitchers I have?

Lawrence Butler – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer, hitting .206. Like clockwork, he does something once a week. If it was a weekly clock, and measured time by homers and “doing nothing.”

Blake Snell – 6 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 5.00 as he was activated from the IL. I went over my grand Dodgers conspiracy on this week’s podcast. In short, the Dodgers say to these guys, “We only need you for August through October, so we’ll pay you for the whole season, but go rest for a few months and get fully healthy.” It’s the biggest scam going!

Mookie Betts – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 14th homer. Mookie Subpar-At-Betts!

Hunter Brown – 5 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.68. Depressing how mediocre he is.

Bryce Eldridge – 1-for-4 and his 12th homer. He hit .207 in July and this was his 1st homer in August, without much better of an average. I’m not a hater, I swear. I do like Basabe, for what it’s Wuertz, who is the new Angels’ pitching coach, by the way. How cool is that? (If you’re him, it’s not cool for anyone else.)

Alex Bregman – 2-for-4, 3 runs and his 13th homer. First 92 games: seven homers. Last 25: Six. Or reversed, that’s six-seven for the Zoomers.

Seiya Suzuki – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 20th homer. Seiya ball!

Shota Imanaga – 4 2/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 3.74. Rostering him is like a log flume ride and there’s occasionally a leak in the log.

CJ Abrams – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 29th homer, hitting .286, and hitting 4th behind three scrubs. Love it! Also, in this game, one of those scrubs homered, Dylan Crews (1-for-5) and his 10th homer, and Jacob Young (2-for-3) and his 10th homer. Or Jacoby Oung as I call him.

Pete Crow-Armstrong – 1-for-5 and his 27th homer, 3rd homer in a week, hitting .285. Nice to see PCA carry the torch for all of us who have only James Wood, but were worried PCA and Wood were both 1st half guys. Grumble.

Cristopher Sanchez – 6 IP, 0 ER, 4 hits, zero walks, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.54. Someone’s gotta be runner-up to Mis.

Everson Pereira – 1-for-3 and his 5th homer, and 2nd homer in three games. Hot schmotato–Oh, well, three games for him but that last homer was on August 2nd on a different team.

Andre Pallante – 6 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 3.46. When I opened Pallante’s player page to see his stats, the page said, “You’ve looked at his page after every start he’s made. He’s not pitching well, he’s pitching extremely serviceable.” Thanks, player page! “Also, mention Streamonator.” Will do!

Nick Lodolo – 4 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 4.86 as he was activated from the IL, and three homers allowed. What a lost season for YOLO-dolo. Got too dolo, and you can’t YOLO. Might have that backwards. He was terrible in his rehab, and I wouldn’t trust him. Sorry, maybe after we see something later this year or in 2027. Not trying to be a bummer here, but he looks worse than guys on waivers in most leagues.

Eugenio Suarez – 2-for-4 and his 17th homer. Lost season for him too. Reds need Erin Brockovich to come in and find out what’s polluting their guys who should be much better.

Michael Toglia – 1-for-2, 1 run as he was called up by the Reds. Hello, old friend, I thought you were in the KBO.

Miguel Vargas – 1-for-4 and his 25th homer. Also, in this game, Brenton Doyle (1-for-3) hit his 2nd homer and Edgar Quero (1-for-3) hit his 3rd homer. Yo Quero Edgar or Doyle? No Quero.

Mitch Bratt – 6 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.74. If you thought, Nick Martinez was getting by on smoke and mirrors, Bratt owns a tobacco and mirror farm.

Corbin Carroll – 1-for-4 and his 17th homer. It’s lowkey one of the most ludicrous things that he doesn’t have 50 steals by August. He’s almost got as many triples as steals!

Ketel Marte – 2-for-4 and his 21st homer, 2nd homer in three games. Interesting he’s been able to keep his power while collapsing in average. He doesn’t seem like the type. Seems like the type where the power would come crashing down with age. Don’t try to pigeonhole Ketel. He’s a bird you cannot cage.

Edouard Julien – Designated for assignment. Okay, I’ll discuss that Julien move in a second, but I’m hoarding Kaelen Culpepper shares because he’s going to be a great Twins prospect. Those have never failed. Twins prospects, I mean. They always, always turn out great! Anyway, Julien? Where’s he from again? What farm system? I forget. Vaguely remember him being a 60-grade power guy in a farm system with great contact. Meh, guess it doesn’t matter. Kaelen will be awesome, I’m sure! So, Zac Veen was called up. Rockies are thoroughly ruining his career, by the way. They’ve been playing Jordan Beck. Ya know, that nothingburger, and Veen has a 24/18/.327 season in Triple-A with a 20.4 K%. Why was he in the minors as a 24-year-old? Great question. Wait, I have another one, will he actually play in the majors after being called up? Maybe, but wouldn’t count on it!