O’s Pitching Staff Asked For Raincheck, It Being Schwarber Day And All

Phils decided to take their whoops, put them in a can of ass and unleash the whoop ass on the O’s. Leading the charge was Kyle Schwarber (3-for-5, 6 RBIs, and his 39th and 40th homer), who I’d like to take a moment to appreciate because I’ve never done that before. He reminds me of Adrian Beltre. I’m going back a ways here, but Beltre was not a Hall of Famer when he was on the Dodgers. He was barely a starter some years. He had this weird thing with the “Don’t tap his head.” That was about it. OCD that became HOF, as he played a lot and accumulated numbers. Schwarber feels like he could do the same. If he gets to 500 HRs, he’s not a HOFer? I’d be shocked. That’s three more 40-homer seasons, and no end appears in sight. Speaking of HOFers, Bryce Harper (1-for-4) hit his 17th homer. I give Gunnar a lot of crap (rightfully), but Bryce has been awful too. Okay, not awful, but underwhelming and underwhelming is carrying so much there that underwhelming is screaming for a spotter. Next up, Harrison Bader (1-for-4, 3 RBIs) hit his 13th homer. Figures, the one guy I didn’t go after in my NL-Only FAAB bidding because it looked like the move to the Phils meant less playing time. It still does, but he could easily out-hit Marsh, and become the favorite in center. Can’t out-beard Marsh though. Next up! Weston Wilson (2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs) hit his 2nd homer and when WW’s homering, you should get two dubyas. Finally, Edmundo Sosa (3-for-4, 3 runs) hit his 5th homer, 2nd homer in a week. Edmundo means Ed World, and we’re just living in it! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Jesus Luzardo – 6 IP, 3 ER, 5 hits, zero walks, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.32. Jesus: He gets us (thinking he’s going to blow up with each pitch).

Grayson Rodriguez – Will have surgery now. After he wasted what, four months? Ridiculous. I know having surgery is scary, but each team needs to have a Big Boy Pants Guy. His job is to do nothing but tell players to put on their Big Boy Pants. I can do that job, if they’re paying. Actually, who are we fooling, I’ll do it for free. Do I get free seats for games? No? Okay, whatever, I’m the Big Boy Pants Guy, I can handle it!

Corbin Martin – 0 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 7.56. How’d that whole “Grabbing Corbin Martin for saves” thing work? [ducks out of the way of a flying computer] I didn’t say pick him up, geez!

Tyler O’Neill – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer. Tyler O’Neill has five homers in a week’s worth of games–hot schmotato alert–but that’s in about ten days because O’Neill can’t stay on the field.

Jordan Westburg – 1-for-4 and his 13th homer. He has the same number of homers as Gunnar. Emoji that laughs until it cries.

Austin Riley – Hit the IL with an ab strain. Finally a bit of good news for his owners.

Grant Holmes – Opted to not have surgery, and will rehab instead. “Hello, this is the Dept. of Big Boy Pants. No, I don’t need to be booked in advance. I’m ready at a moment’s notice! I’m wearing Big Boy Pants!”

Jurickson Profar – 1-for-2 and his 4th homer. Seeing he has four homers and is hitting around .240 puts things in perspective. That perspective: Why the hell do I have him in a league?!

Quinn Priester – 7 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.15. Next year, draft only Brewers starters. Reap dem rewards!

Isaac Collins – 1-for-2, 3 RBIs and his 7th homer, hitting .281. Nearly benched Teoscar for Collins last night, and I should’ve. Sonavabench!

Ryan Jeffers – 1-for-4 and his 8th homer. The Jeffers’ on hot got me wheezy!

Travis Adams – 5 IP, 2 ER, 4 hits, zero walks, 7 Ks, ERA at 6.75. Adams threw against the Tigers, who I anecdotally refer to as the worst-best team. It’s gonna be hilarious when the Tigers get to the playoffs and a national audience is like, “Is their leadoff hitter really a .250 hitter with no power and speed?” Yeah, and he’s one of their better hitters. Wait until you get to The Dingler. He does like to get in the dirt though. Dirt Dingler’s place to flex his manhood and show He’s Got The Touch! Any hoo! Adams started for the Twins, and looks like a 4.50+ ERA pitcher, so iffy for AL-Only.

Trevor Larnach – 1-for-3 and his 14th homer. He was hitting sixth in front of Roden. Makes ya think.

Matt Wallner – 1-for-2 and his 15th homer, and 3rd homer in a week. One good thing to the Twins rolling out there a scarecrow with a Twins’ jersey in left and a made-up name in center is they don’t have a way to get Wallner out of the lineup. Or shouldn’t at least.

Wenceel Perez – 1-for-2, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer, 2nd homer in four games and is towards top of the 7-day Player Rater. Hot schmotato alert!

Dillon Dingler – 1-for-3 and his 10th homer. The darker the berry, the sweeter the hanging Dingler!

Kerry Carpenter – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 19th homer. Imagine if he could hit lefties.

Justin Verlander – 5 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.29. He’s tossed three straight [trying not to say Quality because they’re not Quality Starts] uhh, solid starts! Streamonator actually likes his next one, and I don’t trust him, but there ya go.

Randy Rodriguez – 2/3 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 1.54, and the blown save. Meh, who else ya got, Giants? I kid. I think. Randy-Rod is still likely to get next save, but Ryan Walker might only be one more blown save away from getting a chance.

Jack Suwinski – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and a slam (2) and legs (6). He’s hitting .113. [howling at the moon for two hours but making woof woof noises]

Aaron Judge – Supposed to return today. Naturally, they can’t win without him.

Kenta Maeda – Signed with the Yankees. Season saved.

Giancarlo Stanton – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 10th homer, in, like, two weeks. Ya gotta admit he can’t do much, but he can still hit homers. You don’t have to admit it! I didn’t say Simon says! Gotcha!

Paul Goldschmidt – 3-for-5, 3 runs and his 9th homer. Au Shizz!

Max Fried – 5 IP, 4 ER, 11 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.78. Damn, that’s too bad! I’m a big fan of Fried! [licks popsicle without a care in the world] Shucks, boo hoo!

Devin Williams – 1 IP, 1 ER, and the blown save, ERA at 5.10. Yeah, he couldn’t close out the Rangers. Sure, sure, but he was going against Joc Pederson (1-for-1, 3rd homer, hitting .132) who retired last year but kept showing up this year.

Jake Bird – 2/3 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 5.53. If I were Aaron Boone, I’d keep running Jake Bird out there too. “Can’t fire me, I’m playing the guys you acquired!”

Josh Jung – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 11th homer, 2nd homer in four games. Jung man! You don’t need to be rude…I said Jung man!

Dansby Swanson – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 17th homer. Cool, now for something irrelevant: Counsell started Justin Turner (0-for-1) yesterday because he hit a pinch-hit homer, which is so incredibly dumb.

Michael Soroka – 2 IP, 1 ER, ERA at 4.86 vs. Nick Lodolo – 1 2/3 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 3.05. And they both left with injuries. Soroka’s was shoulder discomfort and Lodolo’s was a blister. Clearly, Soroka’s sounds worse, and he’s headed to the IL. This is a reminder that pitching should not be a part of baseball, it induces too many injuries. Hit off of tees for the woke!

Jo Adell – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 22nd homer. He was sitting between Yoan Moncada and Travis d’Arnaud in the lineup, which feels less like a lineup and more like an Immaculate Grid flex.

Yusei Kikuchi – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.22. Credit where credit is due, Yusei has managed to go to the Angels and not become awful, being infected by the poison in the organization’s water.

Tyler Locklear – 1-for-4 and his 1st homer. Kinda surprised at how little noise has been made about him taking over 1st for the DBags. He went 19/18/.316 in Triple-A this year, as a 24-year-old, i.e., not Quad-A, just solid.

Brandon Pfaadt – 5 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 5.02. He gave up 7 ER in his last start. You can’t trust that.

Sean Manaea – 5 2/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 3.52. I blame the chicken and Jimmy Nardello peppers. See, Manaea was pitching well, then I went to make dinner and returned to this. I stopped focusing, and so did he. Effin’ Jimmy Nardello! If you don’t know Jimmy Nardello peppers, they’re in-season for roughly 72 hours and they’re delicious. Anyway, I still like Manaea, but Nardello happens.

Pete Alonso – 4-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 25th homer, hitting .266. Albombso!

Slade Cecconi – 6 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.72. His peripherals read like a solid, if unspectacular streamer, so check the Streamonator. Thanks for joining this week on the Slade Gabfest.

Gabriel Arias – 1-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 8th homer. You might remember Arias from “Wow, is he breaking out?” around three weeks into April. No, no he was not.

Roman Anthony – Scratched with mid-back tightness. This year has been a Roman 50, i.e., an L.

Jarren Duran – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 12th homer, as he hit 7th, which made one eye fall out of my head. Alex Cora hates Duran, Duran’s fantasy value has Come Undone?

Brayan Bello – 6 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.03. Told you to grab him about six weeks ago. He’s had an ERA under 3 for about two months.

Bailey Falter – 4 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 4.14. C’mon, man! You can’t go to the Royals and get worse, you’re ruining my confirmation bias about Royals’ pitching coaches.

Vinnie Pasquantino – 1-for-5 and his 19th homer. Ay yo it’s Vinnie Pasketti! Watch me twirl the bat like a forkful of pasketti!

Maikel Garcia – 2-for-5 and his 11th homer. He hits cleanup and Duran is hitting 7th, and people think Spring Training lineups matter.

Bo Bichette – 3-for-6, 6 RBIs and his 14th and 15th homer. Also, in this game, Ernie Clement went 5-for-6, 3 runs, 1 RBI. It’s free money starting opposing hitters in Coors, and I’m not above taking free money.

Eric Lauer – 6 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.59. It’s pretty amazing how good Coors park still is for hitting, just not for the Rockies.

Sonny Gray – 7 IP, 1 ER, 1 hit, 1 walk, 8 Ks, ERA at 4.21. He’s just f**king with us now, right? That’s what’s going on, right? Just an old fashioned case of buggery, right?

Masyn Winn – 1-for-3 and his 8th homer. He had one homer since May 14th. No wonder I forgot he existed.

Ivan Herrera – 2-for-4 and a slam (10) and legs (4), hitting .310. Herrera’s gonna be a top five catcher next year, if he gets catcher eligibility. The latter doesn’t seem guaranteed in some leagues.

Freddie Freeman – 1-for-4 and his 13th homer. At least his home run total isn’t openly mocking Gunnar Henderson. Thank you, Freeman.

Max Muncy – 0-for-3 as he was activated from the IL. That’s not Ma’s Muncy, that’s OG Muncy. I know that because I studied Muncies in college. Tommy Edman went to the IL to make room for Muncy. That’s Muncy 101!

Sandy Alcantara – 7 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 6.44. With the trade deadline passed, Sandy can pitch with no pressure. Just free, and easy, and terrible. Mostly the last thing.

Jason Alexander – 6 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 5.97. He’s not usually good, but it was Opposite Night!

Isaac Paredes – Will not have surgery, and will rest and rehab. “Hello? I see, I see. Hamstring surgery, huh? Okay, I’ll be there by 2 AM tonight. I can wait until tomorrow to fly in? No, I’m the Big Boy Pants Guy, I don’t need to wait, I have my Big Boy Pants on!”