Right now, it’s Saturday in Los Angeles, and there’s reports that a hurricane could be hitting the region for the first time in 70-something years. So, I am preparing as anyone from SoCal would prepare — I’m wearing a pussy hat and an altered 2016 campaign shirt that reads I’m With Herricane, while stockpiling avocado toast. If I don’t have electricity on Sunday, just know that I wrote this on Saturday and am scheduling it now. I can guess what Sunday will bring though: Wow, I can’t believe CJ Abrams stole 17 bags on Sunday and Kerry Carpenter hit five homers. Sorry Mark Whiten, but you are no longer the King! What a great Friday Buy by (stutterer!) me! Also, on Saturday, word came down that Noelvi Marte was being promoted. Maybe it’s because I’m staring down death with a hurricane that could bring 2-3 (!) inches of rain, but I’m getting choked up at how awesome some of these Reds’ prospects are, and what that means for the future. “I love this crap!” That’s me auditioning for a new MLB commercial and getting the lines wrong. Any hoo! Noelvi Marte is being called up to play where? Yes, for this year, I’m about to exercise caution. His speed, contact and power is going to make him a fantasy star at some point, but he might not have everyday playing time. He was in the Itch’s Top 50 fantasy baseball prospects, and he was right behind E! in the Reds’ prospects top 10, prior to the season. Itch said, “Marte checks in at 6’1” 181 lbs but seems to be filling out in a hurry, just to the eye test. Next time we get a fresh weigh in, he might clear two bills. The power is plus-plus, and he controls the strike zone well for someone his age and level, posting a 13.5-to-18.3 percent walk-to-strikeout rate in 30 games for the High-A Reds. He’d posted a 10.7-to-21.3 percent rate in 85 games for Seattle before coming over in the Luis Castillo trade. Could be a sign he’s on an upward trajectory in that area, and he’s got the talent to sort of choose the type of hitter he wants to be. His big leg kick is changing shape here and there over the years as he navigates that path, and I’d like to bury Grey under the path.” Yikes, what the heck? So, I grabbed Noelvi everywhere in case the Reds figure out playing time for him — yesterday, he played 3rd — but I could see dropping him in shallower leagues if the ABs aren’t there. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Hunter Greene – 3 IP, 8 ER, ERA at 4.72, as he was activated. Sadly, I activated him on my team too. Bear with me for this half-baked metaphor. Hunter Greene is my mother and I’m Tom Cruise, and my fantasy team is the family heirloom, a glass egg. Not sure where the brothel in the house comes in though. You see, Greene left me to my own devices, trusting me not to ruin things (my team) and mom returned to find a giant shizzshow and a crack in the egg, but mom just shrugged because I got into college. By the way, every 80s movie premise is: (Fill in place) becomes a brothel — the morgue became a brothel; the family home becomes a brothel; the little whorehouse in Texas. Any hoo! Don’t know what to expect from Greene, but he could be an ace for the final month or unusable. This first start may be an indication. Or not at all.

Bo Bichette – 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 18th homer, as he was activated from the IL over the weekend. Kevin from ESPN’s Get Him In Your Lineup Department said, “A hurricane in Los Angeles. What will they think of next, flooding in the desert?”

Brandon Belt – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 12th and 13th homer. He goes from schmohawk to schmotato in a snap.

Hyun-Jin Ryu – 5 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 1.89. His ERA is what? Ryu kidding?

Kyle HarrisonGiants will be calling him up for Tuesday’s start. So, Itch doesn’t have kind words to say for Harrison, “No secret I don’t like this pitcher as much as other sites, who have frequently pushed him up around the top-20 range because he can be dominant when he’s in rhythm. Remains on the list despite a 1.56 WHIP because he could be a front-line starter if he ever finds a delivery he can repeat. Feels a bit like DL Hall in the sense that fantasy players have been boosting this guy for a long time despite relatively long odds that he’ll ever help much in the categories. Though, I do like Harrison more than Grey.” Not cool, moving on! It’s not a .156 WHIP anymore, it’s 1.52! Harrison seems like an avoid in mixed leagues, and a “You do what you have to do” in NL-Only.

Wilmer Flores – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 17th homer, 2nd homer this week, and having a nice 2nd half — 9 HRs in 30 games. Maybe there is crying in baseball.

Gerrit Cole – 4 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 3.03 vs. Kutter Crawford – 6 IP, 1 ER, 1 hit, 2 walks, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.66. Total normal stuff going on the baseball diamond. Best pitcher in league gets housed; a guy I’d say to use the Streamonator for houses in The House They Built Across The Street from The House That Ruth Built.

Clarke Schmidt – 5 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 4.68 vs. Nick Pivetta – 5 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 4.30. Imagining a baseball fan from 30 years ago going full gasket explosion seeing this as Schmidt vs. Pivetta when Pivetta didn’t even start the game. “This is not baseball! Baseball was when the players were starting games, doing coke, greenies and steroids!”

Anthony Volpe – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 17th homer. Aaron Boone should’ve had him bunt.

Justin Turner – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 20th homer. You could feel the electricity in the Red Sox-Yanks series. A battle for 4th place in the AL East like never before!

Rafael Devers – 3-for-4, 3 runs and his 29th homer, and 2nd homer in two games, and third homer in four games. Devers said the secret to his success is imagining all pitchers are Gerrit Cole.

Brady Singer – 3 2/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 5.04. Singer (of The Sounds of Silence.)

Jordan Lyles – 8 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 6.07. Jordan Lyles leads the majors in Complete Games. It’s funny because it’s true.

Justin Steele – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 hits, zero walks, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.80. It’s stuck with me since the preseason that when I published my Justin Steele sleeper most people were like, “Meh.”

Kyle Hendricks – 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.83. Gonna have to take a long look this offseason at what is making “normally not very good” pitchers into “kinda decent.”

Seiya Suzuki – 1-for-3 and his 12th homer, hitting 8th. Wake me when he Torkelsons.

Freddy Peralta – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 11 Ks, ERA at 3.97. I’m imaging myself as Pac-Man in every 2024 draft and FreddyKBB is power pellets.

Max Scherzer – 3 2/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 3.77. Sad Max.

Ryan Mountcastle – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 17th homer, hitting .275. and his 17th homer, 2nd homer in four games. I’ve said this before in different incarnations, but Mountcastle is a favorable stadium away from a 35-homer hitter.

Gunnar Henderson – 4-for-5, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 21st homer, hitting .249. He just missed a cycle by. Dot dot dot. Not stopping at 1st on a double. That’s right, he needed a single for the cycle and hit a double. So, Gunnar Henderson came within an “unwritten rules” short of a cycle.

Kyle Bradish – 6 IP, 0 ER, 2 hits, 1 walk, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.03. Bradish is beautiful. Call him, Breadutiful. Hmm, that doesn’t work. That sounds like a place that has gluten-free sandwiches.

Eury Perez – 6 IP, 0 ER, 2 hits, 0 walks, 10 Ks, ERA at 2.91. I’ve officially moved into “Concerned about Eury Perez for 2024 fantasy” mode.

Mookie Betts – 3-for-8, 4 RBIs and his 33rd and 34th homer. Mookie Best!

Julio Urias – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 hits, zero walks, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.15. I never say anything nice for Urias, but I’m gonna try. It’s impressive that Urias has had a very subpar year and still a near-4 ERA. Wish I had that terrible of a year from my pitchers who pitched terribly.

Tony Gonsolin – Hit the IL with forearm inflammation. About to be Tony Gon Fishin’.

Yu Darvish – 5 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.35. Hey, here’s a good example of what I mean in the Urias blurb. Darvish has been terrible, but not surprisingly subpar. He’s been just terrible.

Carson Kelly – Signed with the Tigers. The Tigers’ front office heard someone offhandedly say, “This team can’t get any worse,” and they like a good challenge.

Logan Allen – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.31 vs. Eduardo Rodriguez – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.03. This matchup was billed as, “You drafted pitchers in the first five rounds of your draft, then look at these guys who were available in every league.”

Spencer Torkelson – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 22nd homer. 14 homers since June 27. Entered yesterday third in the AL in HR in that time span. Thank you, Fantasy Baseball Overlord, for Spencer’s gifts.

Kerry Carpenter – 1-for-4 and his 18th homer. Get some streamers from Spencer Torkelson’s Star Mitzvah and bring them over for Kerry!

Kodai Senga – 7 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.19. The sole Mets’ bright spot this year. Unless you count the shine off owner, Steve Cohen’s head.

Pete Alonso – 1-for-4 and his 39th homer. Albombso!

Dylan Carlson – Will require ankle surgery. Wooooooooo…*takes a five-hour nap, wakes and continues*…ooooooooof.

Paul Goldschmidt – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 20th homer. Au Shizz!

Dakota Hudson – 5 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.95. Has had a few nice starts but his next start is a terrible matchup, and don’t get pulled in.

Framber Valdez – 5 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 3.55. If I may duck, duck, goose Framber’s starts: Bad, bad, bad, bad, no-hitter, bad, bad, bad, bad.

Hunter Brown – 2 2/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 4.50. Astros gonna have one pitcher in the playoffs and he wakes saying, “This is 40.”

Julio Rodriguez – 1-for-5, 1 run. Had been in the middle of one of the hottest streaks in the history of hot streaks until Sunday. He raised his average nearly twenty points in five games in August, which I think is a sequel to a Buzz Bissinger book.

Emerson Hancock – Left yesterday’s game with a shoulder strain. “Put your Hancock right there.” That’s a trainer pointing to the IL.

Dallas Keuchel – 6 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, zero walks, 3 Ks, ERA at 4.85. He lost a perfect game in the 7th inning, when someone said on his Pitchcom, “You got this, just pitch like Dallas Keuchel,” then it was curtains.

Mitch Keller – 6 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 12 Ks, ERA at 4.22. Wish I could say I didn’t just look at the Streamonator for his next start, but you trust him every time out? I don’t.

Cristopher Sanchez – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 hits, 0 walks, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.36. Phillies are sneaky at inventing solid pitchers who no one wants. They did it first with Ranger Suarez, and now they’re doing it with Sanchez. I could be blackballed by people who like things like “Stuff” for even mentioning it.

Zach Eflin – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.58. Good news is he’s healthy. Bad news is the Rays have one more Tommy John surgery until the next one is free.

Brandon Drury – 4-for-8, 3 runs, 4 RBIs and his 16th and 17th homer. Think he’s rostered in too many leagues to be a full-fledged schmotato, but if he’s out there, this goes a long way to a hot streak.

Chase Silseth – 3 2/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 4.00. Unlike the Phils, as I detailed in the Sanchez blurb, the Angels have a knack for developing pitchers who are very enticing, rope you in and then suck. *taps on knee* Come and sit on my lap as I detail Andrew Heaney’s time on the Angels. Metaphorically! Get off my lap! Seriously, you’re heavy and I can’t breath.