Mr. May Dominates Dave Winfield’s Original Team

I did this to myself. I made fun of Walker Buehler and Dustin May yesterday. An off-the-cuff goof saying, “The resurgence of Buehler and Dustin May is one of the more interesting developments this year. It’s officially ranked 15,670th on the interesting development list, right after Troy Johnston has two T’s in his name. It’s not Troy Johnson. Or Roy Johnston,” and now I’m freakin’ here writing a whole lede for Dustin May after he went 9 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 1 walk, 9 Ks, ERA at 3.75. A complete game shutout, one-hitter is gonna be hard for me to write off completely on the Padres being incredibly awful. I mean, they are, but this is Dustin May aka The Human Giant Carrot (look at him). In his last 74 1/3 IP, he has a 2.54 ERA, 0.98 WHIP. That’s his year minus his first two rough starts. Sweeper seems to be the difference. He’s throwing it for a 33% Whiff and 25.7% PutAway. His velocity is up and everything is working perfectly. This is what I say about how we should draft pitchers based on coaches. Whatever they’re doing in St. Louis is working. Dustin’s average arm angle went from 21 degrees when he went to St. Louis to 38 last night. He’s a different pitcher. I could see picking him up anywhere. So, fine, a tad more interesting than Roy Johnsttone…Ttroy Johnson…T’roy Johns’one? Why can’t I remember? Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Mason Miller – Went on the bereavement list. Likely puts Jason Adam or Adrian Morejon getting possible saves. That’s only two guys, by the way. Not four plus.

Drake Baldwin – Activated from the IL. Kevin from ESPN’s “Get Him Your Lineup” Department said, “Ya know how they say ‘everybody puts their pants on the same way, one leg at a time?’ I tried to prove that wrong and couldn’t.”

Spencer Strider – Braves said he’ll be shut down for a month, then have an MRI. Man, this is a bummer. Dude’s more washed than my Whitesnake denim jacket. You can drop him if you don’t have room. He hasn’t been good for a while and a month until an MRI means they’re hoping for good news, and likely expecting bad.

Troy Melton – Scratched with back tightness. I scratch with back itchiness, but I guess I’m built different.

Colt Keith – 3-for-4, 6 RBIs and his 2nd, 3rd and 4th homer, hitting .267. I’m sorry, what? I checked two different sources because I didn’t believe it. Three homers from Colt Keith is like reaching into the sofa and finding a twenty dollar bill and the bill has written on the combination for a safe lock containing a million dollars. “I found a million dollars in my sofa cushion!” That’s the owner of Colt Keith. He had one homer coming into this game! Why can’t Tatis do some stupid crap like this? Holy crap, Colt Keith hit more homers in one game than Tatis has all year! I need to sit down. I feel woozy.

Kevin McGonigle – 2-for-3, 2 runs and his 5th homer, hitting .282. I’m sorry, I’m still stuck on this. Three homers from Cool Colt Keith?! Is that a sign of a apocalypse?

Spencer Torkelson – 1-for-4 and his 12th homer, hitting .210, three homers in the last four games. Hot schmotato alert! Also, what was that from Cool Colt Keith?!

Jose Altuve – 1-for-4 and his 7th homer, hitting .238, and 2nd homer in two games. Fun fact! Altuve is not Spanish for altitude.

Isaac Paredes – 1-for-1, 1 run, 2 RBIs and his 10th homer, hitting .232. Was about to start getting excited for Paredes, then, like I was splashing water on my face, I looked at the Player Rater and he’s been about as good as Brent Headrick and Oswald Peraza.

Kai-Wei Teng – 3 1/3 IP, 5 ER, 8 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 4.31. Streamonator had this start at -$18, and I wish I listened.

Josh Bell – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 8th homer, hitting .236. Okay, so he’ll homer in the Twins next game. Cool.

Byron Buxton – 1-for-4 and his 23rd homer, hitting .276, six homers in the last nine games. As soon as I rank him in the top 25 overall, he will be injured from that day until the day when I rerank him. This is my no-money back guarantee.

MacKenzie Gore – 7 IP, 4 ER, 6 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 4.27. Just dug around for a while in Gore’s history. What was he doing with Tipper–[intern whispers in ear]–That was the wrong Wikipedia page? Oh man. So, Gore’s completely unpredictable, not just from game to game, but watch him. He’s all over the map from inning to inning.

Joc Pederson – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer, hitting .246. Rangers are close to the top of the AL West, but they were sadly eliminated from contention earlier this year when they voluntarily hit Joc leadoff repeatedly, and were told they couldn’t be taken seriously.

Gabriel Rincones Jr. – 1-for-4 and his 1st homer for his 1st major league hit. Itch said this of Rincones, “A 6’3” 225 pound lefty, Rincones Jr. has a little sneaky upside as a power-speed-proximity play. Might not be able to carve out a role in a high-dollar lineup like Philadelphia’s, but he’s a good enough hitter that a second-tier team might take a chance on him as an everyday option rotating between corner outfield spots. In 119 games at Triple-A this year, he slashed .240/.370/.430 with 18 home runs, 21 stolen bases and a 22.5 percent strikeout rate, good for a 113 wRC+, and I want to lock Grey in my torture dungeon.” I’m sorry, what? Rincones does have power and speed but was hitting .215 in the minors and, as Itch said above, Phillies have higher aspirations than that. They’re trading for someone in July, but maybe Rincones is fine for a couple of weeks on the strong side of a platoon with Derek Hill.

J.T. Realmuto – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer, hitting .211, 2nd homer in two games. Jerry Tomato is hitting .211, and I just howled at the moon. Though, I guess Realmuto is a schmotato — Realmotato?

Zack Wheeler – 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 2.01. 62.2 IP this year, 62 Ks, 2.01 ERA, 0.85 WHIP, and I saw someone ask if he’s a HOFer and I can be convinced.

Eugenio Suarez – 2-for-4, 6 RBIs and his 6th and 7th homer, hitting .222, three homers in five games. I get the sense people are giving up on Eugenio. Well, I ain’t pudding and I wouldn’t be that hasty. Suarez is one of the few hitters who could hit 20+ homers in the 2nd half.

Chase Burns – 5 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.01. Smugly in March, “You drafted Chase Burns and Misiorowski as your first two pitchers? Sorry, but I have Skenes and Hunter Brown. Take a nap.”

JJ Bleday – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 13th homer, hitting .272, and 2nd homer in two games. He only played three games in April! Sorry, sometimes I like to point that out.

Christian Scott – Hit the IL with a hip impingement. Hey, man, go easy on the hip HOP! [a giant cane pulls me off stage]

Tobias Myers – 1 1/3 IP, 7 ER, 7 baserunners, 1 K, ERA at 5.71. Tough break (for Reds hitters) that he was pulled so early. Ya know, the Mets have really figured things out. They might be the first team to spend $300 million and have the worst record. An incredible feat!

Dylan Crews – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 4th homer, hitting .195, 2nd homer in four games. Feels too early to say he’s hot or schmotato or hot schmotato, but I guess monocle’ing.

Romy Gonzalez – Red Sox said when he returns he’s going to play a lot. Was it a threat? Is it a tie-in with the just-announced sequel Romy and Michelle’s High School Reunion? Is it a dare?

Kyle Tucker – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs, hitting .239. Dodgers have an eight-game lead in the division and Tucker still hasn’t gotten hot once. If I had to bet whether he will get hot? I’d guess yes, which will end in a fluke injury.

Eric Lauer – 6 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 5.37. Dodgers aren’t cheating, but, if they were, turning Lauer into a serviceable starter would be something a cheating team would do.

Nick Martinez – 5 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.60. He has a 5.4 K/9. Ha, I’m sorry, that made me laugh. Who are you, Doyle Alexander?

Ryan Vilade – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer, hitting .299. He’s still a good source of average, when he plays, which is more sporadic than Rihanna albums.

Ryan Waldschmidt – Optioned back to Triple-A. Jordan Lawlar took him aside and told him not to worry, Waldschmidt will be back, then sent down, then promoted again, then sent down, then back to the majors, then brought back to the majors only to not play, then sent down, then brought back to the majors only to be immediately injured.

Pavin Smith – 2-for-4 and his 1st homer, hitting .152. Halfway to Tatis!

Ryne Nelson – 7 IP, 2 ER, 9 hits, zero walks, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.97. I just can’t. Prefer to take a chance on a terrible pitcher like Walbert who is pitching better than he should be than someone with a near-5 ERA.

Grayson Rodriguez – Hit the IL with back inflammation. Sincerely, I feel bad for this guy. If he wants to get any share of the real estate market in Florida, he better hurry. Alex Kirilloff is the King of Tampa, though. He says, “K.O.T. — Keep on Touch — King of Tampa! That’s me!” Someone said to him, “Don’t you mean, keep in touch?” And he punched them.

Mike Trout – 2-for-3, 2 runs and his 16th homer, hitting .230, and 2nd homer in five games. You know GLPs? Do they have those to suppress injuries?

Donovan Walton – 2-for-4 and his 2nd homer, hitting .310, and 2nd homer in two games, for a hot schmotato alert! Hold on a second, the Angels have Walbert pitching and Walton hitting? Do they have a prospect named Tarzhay?

Walbert Urena – 7 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 2.60. The regression is going to be a tsunami level event.

Jared Jones – 4 IP, 5 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 6.23. I never would’ve told you to start him, Streamonator was like, “Hell no,” but I can’t resist a two-start starter and [bends over for spanking] I was a bad boy.

Endy Rodriguez – 3-for-3 and his 3rd homer, hitting .268. I’m oddly intrigued by Endy and his ability to take a walk and not strikeout. Prolly just NL-Only, but it’s a cyclops with a monocle, for sure.

J.T. Ginn – 6 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 2.91. His peripherals 7.9 K/9, 3.7 BB/9 are the epitome of meh. He has Meh on lock, as the kids say.

Nick Kurtz – 3-for-4, 5 RBIs and his 17th and 18th homer, hitting .293. Dreamy eyed, “He hurtz me good.”

Jeff McNeil – 3-for-4, 3 runs, 4 RBIs and his 3rd homer, hitting .238. He got lapped by Colt Keith in one game!

Cole Carrigg – 1-for-3, 4 RBIs and his 3rd homer, hitting .259. Okay, I’m not immune to the hype. I’ll go the K-Cup over Braden Montgomery. I still like Braden, though.

Shota Imanaga – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 4.26. He’s long overdue to take his garbage ERA back down to his usual 3.40, but this start was also vs. the Suckies in a road game, which makes them especially Suckie.

Pete Crow-Armstrong – 4-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 13th homer, hitting .277 as he hit for the cycle. He hit a homer, then triple, then double, then single, and, on the single, he was picked off during the standing ovation. That feels like it perfectly captures PCA. The last time an Armstrong went for a cycle, it was PED vs. PETE.