I am a winner who’s probably gonna win again.  Giancarlo, forgive me!  Giancarlo, forgive me!  So many swings I don’t understand.  Sometimes I need to stream Tommy Milone.  Mitch don’t kill my vibe!  Mitch don’t kill my vibe!  I can feel your energy while Judge hits homers two planets away.  I got my drink, I got my music.  I would share it, but today I’m yelling.  Mitch don’t kill my vibe!  Mitch don’t kill my vibe! (repeat 2x)  Yesterday, Mitch Haniger (2-for-4, 3 RBIs) hit his 15th and 16th homers, and now has 4 homers in the last nine games.  He even has a steal, and his run game got the whole world talkin’.  King Kunta.  Oops, wrong Kendrick Lamar song.  If you need help this final week, grab this *itch.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Jean Segura – Hopes to return this weekend.  Um, cool, I’ll be sure to get him in my lineup for Winter Ball.

Mike Zunino – 1-for-3, 3 RBIs and a homer.  Guess how many homers he has.  Keep in mind, he’s only played in 121 games.  He has 24 homers!  Dizzamn.  I know what you’re thinking, but what about his average?  He’s hitting near-.250.  Zuninoinks!

Yonder Alonso – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 26th homer.  If you had Yonder, Miggy and Bogaerts in the 2nd half, I feel sorry for you.  That’s right, you got company at your pity party!

Felix Hernandez – 6 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 4.36.  Who has the better ERA, F-Her or Kyle Freeland or Chris Archer or Gerrit Cole?  You got it, Freeland.  Oy.

Matt Olson – Season is over with a hamstring strain.  Damn, you flew too close to the sun, Allahson!   No 72 virgins for you.

Aaron Judge – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 49th and 50th homers, breaking the rookie home run record that was held by McGwire like a syringe.  Manfred’s mathematical equation of Juiced Balls + home run hitters = Erasure.  Hmm, math’s off there, but close.  Was supposed to equal “Erased memories of steroid users.”  I just went over Judge yesterday, so I won’t effuse all over your eyes, in a non-sexual way.

Gary Sanchez – 3-for-5, and his 33rd homer, hitting .283.  Sticking with the needle sticking theme, this G. Love and the Special Sanchez season (say that fast 110 times!) is up there with some Piazza bacne seasons.  Not saying I will be the one drafting him there, but Sanchez might warrant a top 25 draft pick next year.

Greg Bird – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer, and his 2nd homer in the last three games.  Bird could be a hot schmotato.  24 days into the Whole30 diet and that sounds delicious.  Can I get it with my Coconut Aminos?

CC Sabathia – 6 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.84 vs. Jake Junis – 5 2/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 4.39.  This matchup was billed as “Jake and the Fat Man.”  I’d guess Sabathia is done for the year with the Yanks headed to the playoffs, but Junis may see one more start.  Stream-o-Nator doesn’t love it, but it doesn’t hate it that much if you’re in a bind over the weekend.

Salvador Perez – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 27th homer, hitting .269.  I’ll go over the top 20 for every position next week, but Perez is missing out on being the 2nd best catcher in all of baseball due to his lackluster runs (57), which is more of a result of the merry-go-rubbish that’s batted behind him all year.

Mike Moustakas – 1-for-4 and his 38th homer.  Moistasskiss!

Seth Lugo – 6 IP, 0 ER, 2 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.72.  He’s scheduled for one more start this year.  Not saying this is gonna happen with Lugo, but some weird schmohawks throw gems/almost-no hitters in the final weekend of every season.  Total confirmation bias here, and no scientific evidence.

Jeurys Familia – 1 IP, 1 ER (1 more unearned) for the save in about as iffy a way as possible.  This was his 2nd save in the last four games.  Apparently, the Mets decided to never use A.J. Ramos again, and, with the way Ramos is pitching lately, I kinda understand.

Lucas Sims – 6 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.85.  Damn, the Stream-o-Nator pulled that one out of its metal ass (a phrase you hear often), but it doesn’t like his last start of the year, so you do you and try not to go blind.

Luke Weaver – 3 IP, 8 ER, ERA at 3.23.  I’m just gonna leave my RC Cola on the counter of this bar in Indochina, and go to the bathroom.  *five hours later*  Hey, why am I stage with a group of female strippers?  Wait, I’m also a female stripper now?  AHHHH!!!  ROOFIE!!!

Jedd Gyorko – 3-for-3 and his 19th homer.  Has been starting again.  Dot dot dot.  And I don’t have much else nice to say about his recent hitting.

Yadier Molina – Left after taking foul tips off his mask, and vomited on his way off the field.  Yikes, let’s hope he just ate some chicken Benjie left out.

Kris Bryant – 3-for-4, 2 runs and his 29th homer, and 73rd RBI.  Javier Baez also homered in this game (2-for-4, 3 RBIs), hitting his 23rd homer.  Baez also has more RBIs than Bryant.  Cust kayin’.

Jon Lester – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.46.  He’s not scheduled for another regular season start, and if Maddon’s got a seed of a brain in his melon, he’d keep it that way.

Eduardo Nunez – Returned from a PCL strain, and left after aggravating his knee.  Maybe he can contact a Patriot player and take one of their knees.

Mookie Betts – Left with wrist discomfort.  Ugh, why not just be straight with me and say you want to sit for five days in the final week prior to the weekly lineups locking?

Drew Pomeranz – 2 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 3.38.  The Regression Fairies take not opening the door for them as a microaggression, they are still impressed by Rob Thomas’ pure artistry and they will ruin your H2H playoff chances.

Josh Donaldson – 3-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 31st homer, hitting .266.  If you had Machado, Giancarlo and Donaldson on one team in the 2nd half, I genuflect in your general direction.

Ryan Goins – 3-for-4, 2 runs and his 9th homer, and 2nd homer in the last four games.  You may also know Ryan Goins informally as Yan Groins.

Yasiel Puig – Benched due to tardiness.  No one ever called him Pweegunctual.

Logan Forsythe – 3-for-3, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 6th homer, hitting .233.  March, “You go ahead and draft your 1st round 2nd baseman, and I’ll draft Forsythe seven rounds later, and do The Running Man all the way to the finish line.”  Now, “I’m dumb.”

Austin Barnes – 1-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 8th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games.  Hot schmotato alert!

Yu Darvish – 7 IP, 1 ER, 2 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 3.86.  Look out NL playoffs!  Assuming teams he faces are as bad as the Padres.

Andrew Cashner – 3 2/3 IP, 1 ER (7 unearned runs), ERA at 3.42.  You know a guy is having a charmed year for ERA when his few blowups are unearned.  Must be a trust fund baby, because Cashner’s all unearned.

Joey Gallo – 2-for-4 and his 39th homer, hitting .209.  Halp and I talk about Gallo on today’s podcast.  You can hardly wait!  No, you!

Collin McHugh – 5 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.45.  If you started him in a crucial H2H matchup, you should send some flowers (or Tyler Flowers) to A.J. Hinch, because I would’ve pulled McHugh yesterday way before he reached 112 pitches and finished the fifth.

Marwin Gonzalez – 4-for-5, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his 23rd homer, hitting near-.400 in the last week with another homer.  If he’s on your waivers, get off your fat cat butt and pounce!

Carlos Gonzalez – Out again with a sore shoulder.  I shudder at the thought of CarGo playing on a team next year that isn’t in Coors.  I’m thinking a comparison of Adrian Gonzalez this year might be apt.

Jonathan Lucroy – 2-for-3 and his 6th homer, and 2nd homer on the Rockies.  Yeah, Coors really fixed him.  Ow, eye roll headache!

Zack Godley – 4 1/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA up to 3.46, and now two straight solid poo starts.  Man, that really takes the shine off him for next year.  Which is awesome for us in 2018!

Aaron Nola – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 3.54.  Can’t spell Nolasco without Nola and can’t spell WTF without ‘WTF are you doing giving up any runs against the Nats’ B lineup?’  C’mon, homey, I need wins.  I think this was Nola’s last start of the season, which bums me out like the guy living in my alleyway.

Odubel Herrera – 2-for-4 and his 14th homer, hitting .281.  He was oh-for-the-last-week, so ODB’s not exactly hot schmotato-R.E.A.M.

Bryce Harper – Returned from injury but didn’t start due to illness.  Maybe he got sick from eating his own crap.

A.J. Cole – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.10.  His last start of the year is an avoid on the Stream-o-Nator, but I could see him doing all right against a Pirates team that packed it in already.

Michael Taylor – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and a slam (17) and legs (16), hitting .272.  I don’t want to milk your vaca of all its horchata, but if Taylor were to get 150 games started, he’d be huge value, and he’s only 26 years old.

Jose Abreu – Out of the lineup for two straight days due to shin soreness.  Moncada is also out with shin soreness.  What are the White Sox feeding their players?  Leather soles?

Mike Trout – 1-for-3 and a slam (30) and legs (22), hitting .310.  Digest this, dear readers.  Trout missed five weeks of the season with a tear of his thumb.  Some players would’ve been like, “Yo, I don’t want you to use my name, which is Hanley, but I wouldn’t have been playing five weeks after that surgery, and at that level.  I once entered an elevator and said, ‘What’s this, an escalator with a box?’  This is so much easier than standing on an escalator, and I sat in a handicapped person’s lap for five floors.  I’m Hanley, and I approve this message, but don’t use my name.”  Trout’s going to miss out on some counting stats, due to the games he missed, but for value per game on the field, he was ranked 7th this season, and 2nd for qualified hitters (it would mean throwing out Rhysus, and he’s only behind J.D. Martinez).  I think you have to do backflips to figure out a way for him not be the number one fantasy pick again next year, and I don’t do backflips unless it’s part of the Triple Lindy.