Inner monologue, “Stop thinking about how you went Elly over Aaron Judge in every fantasy league. It’s not going to do you any good. Though, seriously, every single league? You want to stop thinking about that, but did you ever stop to think in the 1st place?” Dah! So, Aaron Judge (1-for-1, 4 runs, 2 RBIs, 4th homer) had a pretty nice opening weekend, clearly realizing it’s no longer the postseason. On Saturday, he hit his 1st three homers, all by the 4th inning. Then, in the 5th inning, Mark Whiten took a voodoo doll out with Judge’s jersey and started pricking the shizz out of that thing. All weekend the Brewers were hanging and Yankees were banging. At one point, they hit 12 homers in the previous 11 innings. Not quite all Brewers’ fault though, obviously. Yankees were able to use new bats; they’re calling them Torpedo Bats. “Yankees get to aluminum bats but why it’s good for baseball, my column,” by Buster Olney. So, Jazz Chisholm Jr. (3-for-4, 3 runs, 5 RBIs, 2nd and 3rd homer) was all that jazz. They walked Judge with no one on and two outs, then Jazz hit a two-run homer. Brewhahahahaha. Finally, Ben Rice (2-for-4, 2 runs, 1st homer) was all that and a box of Uncle Ben’s and Marcus Stroman (4 2/3 IP, 3 ER) couldn’t get out of the 5th inning. Welcome to Yankee Baseball! Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:
Max Fried – 4 2/3 IP, 2 ER, as the Yankees had a 45-run lead and Fried couldn’t get through five. I’d like to say — haha, see! I told you to sell him in Friday’s Buy/Sell — and, in some ways I did just say that, but I do remember Fried started slow last year, then was more or less fine. So, I’m still saying Sell, but not because of this start.
Nestor Cortes – 2 IP, 8 ER. Nestor returned to Yankee Stadium to pay penance for his performance in the 2024 World Series. And for the crimes of Charles Manson, and Son of Sam and John Wayne Gacy and–Well, he paid for a lot of crimes!
Josh Lowe – Hit the IL with an oblique. Josh Lowe puts the IL in oblique. Without him, it’s just obque, which sounds like a James Bond villain. He’s Q, but oblong; he’s Obque.
Brandon Lowe – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. He made it look easy to homer in Big Stein Stadium, even with the Ghost of Faye Vincent trying to knock the ball down.
Taj Bradley – 6 IP, 2 ER, 5 hits, zero walks, 7 Ks. Love me some Taj, but this was vs. the Suckies, who look like they’re not even trying. How was Veen not able to make that team? They’re starting Martini, like they’re Mad Men.
Seth Halvorsen – 1 1/3 IP, 0 ER and his 1st save on Saturday. Rockies’ pen: Victor Vodnik sounds like an MF DOOM alias; Seth is the name of the kid in your high school who you hated, but also appears to be the Rockies’ closer. He could excel with the job in limited chances.
Mickey Moniak – 1-for-2, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. That’s all Bud Black needs to see to put Moniak in the three-hole for the next 159 games.
Gleyber Torres – Dealing with rib pain, which happened after he homered. Gleyber is now the 2nd player this season to hurt himself on a home run. We need to stop hitting homers until we figure out what’s going on. Follow, Rafael Devers’s lead, fellas.
Erick Fedde – 6 IP, 1 ER, 2 hits, zero walks, 2 Ks. Fedde was a sneaky — snekke? — late-draft pick in deeper leagues, and I could see some solid Streamonator value in shallower.
Victor Scott II – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and our first slam (1) and legs (3) of the season (as far as I know). More like Victor Scott I & I, right?! I’m very aware that people are expecting a breakout here, and maybe it happens, but hitting 8th takes a lot of the shine off a guy that you think is there.
Nolan Gorman – 3-for-4, 3 runs and his 1st homer. The pitcher threw that pitch in a NoGo zone.
Bailey Ober – 2 2/3 IP, 8 ER. [wearing a potato sack, walks into traffic, mumbling]
Willi Castro – 2-for-4 and his 1st homer. How long until Baldelli tires of hitting Wallner leadoff? I say Tuesday.
Jesus Luzardo – 5 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 11 Ks. Should’ve made Luzardo my comeback pick of the year, but, well, why can’t I have two? Luzardo is my Comeback Player of the Year, Part 2.
Aaron Nola – 5 1/3 IP, 5 ER, but only two homers allowed. A success!
Mitchell Parker – 6 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 9 baserunners (2 BBs), 5 Ks. Wipeout slider to lefties, dirty curve to righties and very unassuming stuff, not exciting like MacKenzie Gore. Call him MacKenzie Bore. A Bore isn’t all bad though in deeper leagues, if he stays a Bore. The command could be wonky, so mostly just for 15-teamers and deeper for now.
Josh Bell – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 1st homer. He knows the assignment. He’s got three months to get up his trade value up.
Nathaniel Lowe – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer. Wanna say schmotato for shallower leagues, but maybe more. We need to see more (from everyone).
Jake Irvin – 5 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 2 Ks. Ya know what Irvin’s good for? NL-Only. Know what he’s not good for? Other leagues.
Nick Lodolo – 6 IP, 2 ER, 5 hits, zero walks, 1 K. Lod-YOLO! Somewhat kidding, one strikeout is far from a Lod-YOLO situation, but he’s still healthy (as of this writing).
Matt McLain – 1-for-4 and his 2nd homer. Oh boy, I’m gonna have to hear it from BDon, aren’t I?
Justin Verlander – 5 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks. The thing with vet starters is they’re fresh in April. By May, they’re Danny Glover in Lethal Weapon.
Robbie Ray – 5 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks. Looked great, then Reds fans started counting down the pitch clock and it got in his head. As I always say, if you can’t get in someone’s pants, get in their head.
Heliot Ramos – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer. That’s 2025 fantasy baseball sleeper, Heliot Ramos.
Matt Chapman – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. Yeah, but was he a sleeper like Heliot Ramos?
Jose Ramirez – Day to day with a sprained wrist. Hmm…Is he ducking the upcoming series with Tim Anderson’s-led Angels
Gavin Williams – 5 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 2 Ks. Adding extra giddy up on the fastball to go from zero to ninety to two strikeouts, then why bother? So, this start was pretty meh, but I’m holding for now.
Tanner Bibee – 5 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 2 Ks. That’s Tanner Bibee sleeper. Cust kayin’.
Kyle Manzardo – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer. Manzinga! Please let him be breaking out. If nothing else, hot schmotato alert.
Daniel Schneemann – 1-for-1, 2 runs and his 1st homer. Was monocle’ing him for an AL-Only league, that’s about the only place where he plays. Or if you’re in a super deep league and lost Thairo Estrada. Is this an oddly specific scenario? Wonder why.
Gabriel Arias – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer, as he manned the hot corner. Interesting. Maybe it wasn’t Jose Ramirez all those years but 3rd base. Hmm.
Jose Soriano – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 5 Ks. Was pretty far out on Soriano in drafts, and here’s my issue: Pitching is a lot of moving parts. If a part moves and becomes unglued, there’s no one on the Angels who can help him fix the issue. Also, the Angels are a 100-loss team. So, Streamonator? Sure, this was vs. the White Sux, but, in general? Nah.
Jack Kochanowicz – 6 IP, 2 ER, 4 hits, zero walks, 4 Ks. He pitches on a diamond and his name ends in initials for cubic zirconia. Something fishy here.
Kyren Paris – 1-for-3 and his 1st homer. Might have some AL-Only value, if Adell needs more time out with his hip tightness. Nothing tight about Paris. Ooh la la, oui oui, Moulin Rouge.
Roki Sasaki – 1 2/3 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 5.79. He now has nine walks in 4 2/3 IP. [slowly applies Joker makeup] Roki ain’t okie-dokie. [cackles like a madman] Well, it’s still early, but if he doesn’t correct himself, Roki’s gonna be low-key in the minors.
David Bednar – 0 IP, 1 ER. It’s against the Geneva Conventions how they keep sending Shit-the-Bednar out there. Pirates are the first team since the 1924 Pirates to be walked off for their first three losses of a season, and I’m not sure that’s totally thanks to the Marlins, if you catch my drift.
Andrew McCutchen – 1-for-3 and his 1st homer. Also, in this game Griffin Conine (1-for-3) hit his 1st homer. Elias Sports Bureau said this is the first time a player homered in the same game as another player who caused him to say, “I’m having a senior moment or I think I know his dad.”
Max Meyer – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 2 hits, 1 walk, 7 Ks. Kinda don’t even want to say anything for fear I’ll jinx him, but could Meyer be finally breaking out? Hashtag promising.
Josh Jung – Hit the IL with neck spasms. Should be embarrassed of himself. Not only is that a ridiculous reason to be IL’d but to do it on the Rangers. Look at the size of Bochy’s head and he doesn’t have neck spasms! Josh H. Smith should get more playing time for a week or two.
Chris Martin – 1 IP, 0 ER and his 1st save on Saturday, then Luke Jackson (1 IP, 0 ER) earned his 2nd on Sunday. “Things be jingo-jango’ing!” That’s Bochy talking about ideas in his head. Still unclear who their closer is, but Bochy seems to want to make Luke Jackson happen like fetch.
Jacob deGrom – 6 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks. And no injury! (Disclaimer: This is only accurate if you read it immediately after I wrote it.)
Adolis Garcia – 1-for-3 and his 2nd homer. Uh-oh, we might’ve been out too early on Adolis.
Wyatt Langford – 2-for-4 and his 1st homer. Nice, but on a side note, is it me or does every team have, like, five terrible hitters in their lineup? There’s an Ornelas in the Rangers’ lineup and it might be the band that sang Dance With Me.
AJ Smith-Shawver – 4 IP, 2 ER vs. Nick Pivetta – 7 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, zero walks, 4 Ks. Pivetta is usually ASS, yesterday ASS was ASS. Or vaguely meh. Pivetta looked sweet though, just wait until you start him next time out and he gives up 17 ER in 3 IP.
Osvaldo Bido – 5 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners (4 BBs), 4 Ks vs. M’s. If you go to the Streamonator, you can see which team is facing the Mariners. Why would you want to do that? Oh, ya know, no reason.
Tyler Soderstrom – 2-for-3 and his 3rd homer. His start is sparkling like the water his family invented.
Julio Rodriguez – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. Did someone hypnotize him into thinking it was September?
Bryan Woo – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks. Woo, indeed.
Richard Fitts – 6 IP, 3 ER, 6 hits, zero walks, 4 Ks. Looked better than the line, or at least looked better as the game went along, until some late runs, when he missed location. 53 of 71 pitches for strikes, and I’m intrigued to see where Dick Fitts in or if he’s just about getting lucky. Next time he pitches, send your lady friend this:
If I send you this, I’m reminding that Dick Fitts in pic.twitter.com/hqKOsRrOP1
— Razzball (@Razzball) March 30, 2025
Eugenio Suarez – 0-for-4, with his 1st steal, and his 4th homer on Saturday. Suarez picked up right where he left off in the 2nd half. He now has 24 homers since last All-Star Break. Aaron Judge has 25. Suarez is also hitting .300+ in that time. That’s in almost 300 plate appearances. Make Eugene the capital of Oregon, rename it Eugenio and erect the statue.
Eduardo Rodriguez – 5 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks. Didn’t disappear mysteriously in the middle of the game with a Gone Fishin’ sign replacing him, so that’s a plus, I guess.
Matthew Boyd – 5 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks. He might be an ace, but only for 75 IP. Like a low-rent deGrom. Call him AirBnB deRoom. Think he should be rostered in most leagues.
Seiya Suzuki – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. Seiya ball!
Kyle Tucker – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 2nd homer. Every 1st rounder doing something but Elly or what? I’m not trying to freak out here, but I’m freaking out! (I’m not freaking out.) (I am freaking out.)
Dean Kremer – 5 1/3 IP, 5 ER vs. Max Scherzer – 3 IP, 2 ER. Dean Kremer vs. Max Scherzer would also be equally challenging in contest of “Jew or Not A Jew?” if you didn’t know better. After the game, Scherzer said he has a lat strain and it’s from his thumb soreness. Scherzer also attended med school this offseason. But still not a Jew! He did hit the IL though, so med school is paying off.
Tomoyuki Sugano – 4 IP, 2 ER. Not saying this is the case, but George Kirby had a 7 ERA after three starts last year. What’s more damaging to your fantasy teams: Overreacting or not reacting? I don’t know, but giving a guy more than one start is advisable in most circumstances.
Cody Poteet – Acquired by the Orioles. Now the Orioles can ask, “We have Poteet, can you milk us?”
