Philly fans are often singled out for their rude, obnoxious behavior, but yesterday, as the Mets hit six home runs, the Philly fans were attempting to be on their best behavior. Here’s a few of the more polite things heard, “Excuse me, sir, are you using the batteries in your portable radio? I’d like to throw them at someone’s shoulder. No, not their head. That would be rude.” Also heard, “I hate to waste a cheesesteak, but I’d like to vomit on an unsuspecting Mets fan.” “Jimmy, no, vomit on a suspecting Mets fan.” “Yeah, you’re right, Marge.” Finally, “These Mets are fun to watch, I get to try out new curse words — screw you, nut sock!” Then, with a pleased smile, “See, it’s like sack, but sock. Catchy, no?” Philly fans had all kinds of reasons to be annoyed yesterday as the Mets did damage. Yoenis Cespedes hit his 4th homer (1-for-3, 2 runs, 3 RBIs). Driving to the park in a limited edition car made of guano and Play-Doh must be his good luck charm! Michael Conforto hit his 2nd homer (2-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs) as he hit third until he was pinch hit for against a lefty later in the game. I get that Conforto’s a lefty and it’s a matchup thing, but there’s gotta be some kind of unspoken rule. The guy you bat third in your lineup is not a platoon player. That’s Connie Mack to Earl Weaver to Coach Taylor rock solid coach stuff. You don’t pinch hit your three hole hitter! Then Neil Walker hit his 5th and 6th homers (2-for-5), with two homers in the past two days, and, honestly, truthfully, interruptingly, when you have six homers in 13 games, there weren’t a whole lot of games where you didn’t homer. Finally, Lucas Duda hit his 2nd homer (1-for-5, 2 RBIs), and 2nd in as many days. The Phillies starters really aren’t that bad. Dot dot dot. Compared to their relievers. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Jacob deGrom – Threw a simulated game. Simulated baseball is for nerds, get back in there for fantasy! Calm your roll, Previous Sentence Grey, deGrom will return for Sunday’s game vs. the Braves. Previous Sentence Grey also owns deGrom in a weekly league where he benched him. DAH! Can’t he wait until Monday?!
Logan Verrett – 6 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks. Now has had two great starts where deGrom should’ve been pitching. Stan Gable, “That’s my Pi!”
Vince Velasquez – 4 1/3 IP, 2 ER. After the game, Velasquez said, “Yeah, but how about that start vs. the Padres? WHA?!” Then he went around and indiscriminately high-fived people who weren’t fully paying attention.
Alfredo Simon – Was scratched yesterday with biceps tendinitis. As for his return, Simon said he’s shooting for his next start. And everyone ducked.
J.J. Hoover – 2/3 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 15.19. Wow, Hoover simultaneously sucks and blows. Jumbo “Shrimp” Diaz was optioned to the minors because he looked worse than Hoover. Up next to demolish fantasy teams’ ratios? Tony Cingrani! Bryan Price wouldn’t commit to any closer, but Cingrani’s gotta be next. I mean, no one expects the Reds to be good, but they can’t just keep giving away games. I grabbed Cingrani in one league where I need saves. Vultures, converge!
Brandon Phillips – 4-for-4, 1 run. Well, one was a triple, but how didn’t he steal any bases against The View lady? Distracted by Raven-Symone?
Ervin Santana – 5 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 2 Ks, but there were three more runs that didn’t get counted against Ervin because Magic! And poor fielding.
Byung Ho Park – 2-for-4 and his 4th homer, and 2nd in as many games, and third in his last four games. Tellin’ ya, he looks just like an Asian Carlos Pena. I will now call him Calros Pena.
Scooter Gennett – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 1 RBI, now has back-to-back multi-hit games. Scooter’s getting me all excited. Obnoxious passerby, “Get a vroom!”
Alex Wood – 4 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 1 K and three more unearned runs due to the Dodgers’ infield playing the Harlem Globetrotter pregnant ball trick. What a disaster to my WHIP from that stream. I would’ve been better off streaming Williams Perez. Both of them!
Hector Olivera – Had his leave extended by two weeks before MLB decides on his punishment. Between this schmohawk and Jose Reyes, MLB might think about hiring Judge Judy to do some quicker arbitration. “Okay, if you shut up, I’ll tell you what my ruling is. Shut up! Okay, you’re getting fined for three months and when you return, for further punishment, you have to own yourself in fantasy. Now get out of my court room.” That’s no nonsense Judge Judy.
Tyler Flowers – 4-for-4, 1 run, 3 RBIs. Easy, we’re still in the April showers portion of the program.
Andrew Heaney – The Sciosciapath said that Heaney has “plateaued in his recovery.” Sounds like they’re in a relationship that’s grown stale. Such formal sounding words. He’s plateaued in his ability to make eye contact with me. That’s what Scioscia is really saying.
Mat Latos – 6 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 0.49. Yes, I know, Dallas Latos is filling your Twitter feed with pictures of herself in a White Sox jersey celebrating with her best duck lips face, but Latos has faced the lifeless Angels, the A’ss and the Minnesota Tloses. The Stream-o-Nator doesn’t like his next start vs. the Rangers, and I agree.
Todd Frazier – 2-for-3, 2 runs and his 3rd homer. Frazier has been so bad that I nearly benched him yesterday. Thankfully, Domingo Santana didn’t start so I had an empty spot for Frazier. Good thing Frazier got the picture, you’re on notice!
Melky Cabrera – 2-for-4, 1 run, 2 RBIs, hitting .320, which has to be the emptiest .320 average (0 HRs, 5 RBIs) since Yunice and Mel Escobar gave birth to Yunel.
Jose Abreu – 1-for-4 and his 3rd homer. El Grande Dolor!
Jose Altuve – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer. I don’t want to start any sort PEDs rumors, but yesterday I did see Altuve opening a jar of pickles all by himself.
George Springer – 2-for-5 and his 4th homer. Member a few days ago I said Springer was the type to hit ten homers in two weeks? He now has three straight games with a homer.
Prince Fielder – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer. Also, in this game Mitch Moreland homered, his 2nd (2-for-4). I believe this was the first time one hitter homered (Fielder) only to be followed by another hitter whose last name is a descriptor for the first hitter. On a side note, I told you Moreland was a Hitter-Tron special last Friday for the upcoming week. Moreland now has two homers in the past three games and hits in four straight.
Rougned Odor – 2-for-4, 1 run, 1 RBI and his 2nd steal. Please get hot, Odor, and, yes, this is the only time that makes sense.
Joe Kelly – Hit the DL with a shoulder impingement. That’s Dr. James Andrews’ favorite kind of after dinner mint!
Drew Smyly – 8 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners (1 Hit), 11 Ks, ERA at 2.91. Hmm, so what you’re saying is I should’ve instead dropped Chris Archer, Aaron Sanchez, Patrick Corbin or any other pitcher I owned? Point taken. And the whole Smyly thing is getting old, feels smug now, which is obnoxious.
Kevin Kiermaier – 1-for-4 and his 1st homer, hitting .182 in the eight hole of the Rays, i.e., Death Valley. When Logan Morrison (0-for-5) is hitting 2nd with a .054 average, you have to wonder if the whole Rays lineup isn’t a meta joke that won’t be understood for many years in the future.
Michael Pineda – 6 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks vs the A’s. I’d be lying if I didn’t say I wanted a win and a better pitched game, but compared to his first game, where little kids were picking up candy from how much Pineda was being hit around, I’ll take it.
Alex Rodriguez – 2-for-5, 1 RBI, which comes a day after homering. This Zombino could be hot schmotatoing, so do what you do.
Dellin Betances – 1 IP, 0 ER, 0.00 ERA and 17 Ks in 7 IP. I don’t usually talk about middle relievers unless they could be in line for saves, but, Hayzeus Cristo, Betances is amazing. I was trying to think what it would take to trade for him, and I came back with a top 50 player. For a middle reliever! Crazy town, population Betances’s fantasy value. Oh, and Miller’s not bad either (0.00 ERA, 13 Ks in 6 IP). Damn, Paul Sorvino playing the part of Joe Torre must be salivating to overuse their arms.
Eric Surkamp – 5 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners, 3 Ks. Surkamp? Is this a formal way of saying frozen fish filets?
Jed Lowrie – 4-for-5, 2 runs, 1 RBI. All I saw was the box score saying Lowrie 4-for-5, and, for a millisecond, I thought it was Brett Lawrie. Then for five minutes after I thought about how maybe I should own Lowrie instead of Lawrie.
Jarrod Saltalamacchia – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 5th homer, and four homers in the last five games. *looks at Travis d’Arnaud on my team, looks at Salty on waivers, looks at the mirror* What are you doing, Fantasy Master Lothario? Pick up Salty! Ah!!! I’m paralyzed with indecision!
Salvador Perez – 2-for-4, 5 RBIs and his 2nd homer. Catchers, catchers everywhere, and not a drop to regret.
Jarrod Dyson – 2-for-4, 1 run, 1 RBI as he was activated from the DL. This comes literally one day after Ned Yost said there was no timetable for Dyson’s return. “Don’t be a calendar.” That’s Ned Yost’s career counselor.
Chris Heston – Demoted to Triple-A Sacramento where he found a half-buried state building and began screaming about dirty apes.
Robbie Ray – 6 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 1.96. I like Ray in matchups, but worry he could get hit hard in his unfavorable home park, but the NL West gives favorable matchups, but his next start is vs the Pirates. Damn, I need a landscape architect with all of these hedges.
Tyler Clippard – 1 IP, 0 ER as he got the save. I believe he just got the save because Ziegler had been used a lot recently, but I’m also a saves whore (horse?) so I grabbed Clippard where I could.
Derek Norris – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. Oh my God, I got a home run from my catcher, and a Padres one at that. I don’t know what to do with myself.
Melvin Upton – 1-for-2, 3 BBs and his 4th steal, hitting .298. He was this week’s Creeper, and he has been hot, and I can’t recommend him. Things can’t be this bad.
Cory Spangenberg – Left yesterday’s game with a quad strain. Or more succinctly, left gam strain.
Francisco Liriano – 4 1/3 IP, 4 ER vs. the Padres. Did Ray Searage get left at baggage claim?
Jason Hammel – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 1.00 vs. Jaime Garcia – 5 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners (4 BBs), 7 Ks, ERA at 2.70. This matchup highlighted two starters that no one wants to own in the preseason, myself included, then you get into April and you’re glad you do own them and not two more “upsidey” starters.
Jeremy Hazelbaker – 0-for-4. A pimply teenager runs into frame, screaming, “Watch out, Hazelbaker is falling back to earth!”
Trea Turner – Word out of Washington is Turner may not come up until June, which is the same thing I said the day before on the podcast. Don’t really understand why they would promote him prior to June. Dusty needs to play a rookie that bad? They need to lose his rights a year sooner? Aren’t they already winning with Espinosa? They need to win by seven runs rather than six? I got questions, ya’ll!
Jayson Werth – 1-for-3 and his 2nd homer. Also in this game, Ryan Zimmerman (1-for-4) hit his first homer and Wilson Ramos (1-for-4) hit his 2nd homer. Elias Sports Bureau said that was the most solo homers since Adam Dunn retired with 462 homers and 463 RBIs.
Bryce Harper – 1-for-4, 4 RBIs and a grand slam, his 7th. Not all seven were grand slams, though as a non-owner of Harper it feels a bit like that. “What’s that, Cougs? Oh, I’m just drawing a chalk outline around my non-owning Harper body.”
Stephen Strasburg – 8 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 1.25. It almost makes all the Stressbird mini ulcers last year worth it. Almost.
Kevin Gausman – Will make one more rehab start, then return to the rotation, then get moved to the bullpen, then get moved to the minors, then to the minors bullpen, then to the majors rotation, then working the Catskills.
Manny Machado – 2-for-4 and his 5th homer. Macho, Macho, Manny. I wish I owned, Macho Manny.
Matt Wieters – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. So, he’s still playing baseball, though, by the time you read this, he may be back on the DL. “I got al dente elbows!” That’s Wieters putting his elbow in a bowl.
Adam Jones – Left yesterday’s game with a stomach virus. When it rains, it pours, that’s what his toilet was saying yesterday.
Michael Saunders – 2-for-4, 2 runs. I said something yesterday about how long will Saunders stay the leadoff man. Three days? And that’s me paraphrasing me! I didn’t mean I wouldn’t own him while he was hitting leadoff, I just don’t especially buy him as a leadoff man.
Marcus Stroman – 7 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 4.13. I had some concerns coming into this year about his K-rate last year only being 6, but that was a small sample size — that’s what she said! — and it’s early obviously this year, but he’s done nothing in the way of Ks to alleviate my concerns. In fact, he’s unalleviated them. The following was written by someone too lazy to go to a thesaurus. Not an unlazy person.
Kyle Seager – 2-for-4 and his 2nd homer, hitting .152. It’s getting a little stuffy in here. Wait, can we leave the Buy Low Window open just a bit longer?
Carlos Carrasco – 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners (3 BBs), 5 Ks. Carrasco hasn’t looked as dominant so far this year, which is a compliment since he still has a 8.4 K/9, 2.3 BB/9 and a 2.79 ERA. Okay, maybe a backhanded compliment. Like the compliments Hector Olivera gives.
Michael Brantley – Sounds like he’s less than a week away from returning. He’s gone 2-for-10 in the minors so far. If Trevor Story is any indication, a minor league 2-for-10 stint translates to 17 homers in 50 at-bats.