The Royals are Daddy Rich from Car Wash or Max Scherzer owed Verlander a favor.  “Hey, Scherzer, do me a solid and do a solid on the mound so my Monday start doesn’t look so bad.  You feel me?  If you do, I got a Ms. Upton to feel you.”  Little did Scherzer know that Verlander wasn’t talking about Kate Upton, but about Justin and B.J.’s sister, Misshapen.  “Misshapen, your legs are so curvaceous they remind me of the coastline of Africa.”  Or maybe Verlander is just spreading something around the clubhouse.  Anibal, you better not touch him or I will know it!  Scherzer only lost once all of last year at home, which is slightly misleading like I’m saying he is that much better at home.  He only lost twice on the road last year and his ERA on the road was almost a run and half lower.  Yesterday, it all went to pot — Lincecum, “That’s where I want to go!” — as Scherzer gave up 10 runs in four innings.  Leyland was right.  Pitchers are like barbecuing pork.  You need a lot of indirect smoke to tender up their shoulder and get ’em right.  If this allows a buying opportunity on Scherzer, unlike Verlander, I do think this was a hiccup rather than a long, extended burp.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Mike Moustakas – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer.  The Avett Brothers would say, “Three words that became hard to say ‘I and love and Mostsuckass.'”  Me and Mostsuckass are like Sid and Nancy.

Alex Gordon – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 8th home run.  We’re not good yet, but you keep trying to make it right, AG, and I won’t give you the biz!

Alcides Escobar – 3-for-5, 3 runs.  Just assume everyone had multiple hits yesterday, except Hosmer.  Almost doh!

J.D. Martinez – 3-for-4, 1 run.  Has a 7-game hitting streak going, so we won’t start pressing DiMaggio’s ashes through a coffee press just yet, but I would grab J.D. for a little hot schmotato action.

Ian Kinsler – 2-for-4 and his 7th homer.  After talking complimentary about Brantley the other day and causing him to be the latest Concusstador, you’ll have to excuse me if I don’t say anything nice about Kinsler, but simply nod, smiling.

Mike Trout – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and two home runs.  This is his fantasy owner yelling to his girlfriend, “Baby, I just learned how to be multi-orgasmic!”

Kole Calhoun – 4-for-5, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer.  If I knew The Sciosciapath would use this as the impetus to start Calhoun every day, I’d say mazel tov, he’s headed for a star mitzvah!  I don’t trust The Sciosciapath though.

Matt Shoemaker – 8 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 10 Ks.  He’s pitched excellent in his short time in the majors — 9.6 K/9; 1.9 BB/9; 2.96 xFIP; 5.3 Salami/Calabrese.  Okay, I made up the last one, but still the real ones are good.  Yet, his minor league numbers are terrible — 6+ ERA this year in Triple-A; 4.64 ERA in 2013.  I’d still lay off him in most mixed leagues, but I’d give him a flyer in some deeper ones.

Howie Kendrick – 3-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer, hitting .274 on the season with nine steals (and was caught yesterday).  Pacing out to a 10-homer, 20-steal season, which I doubt he gets to.  Probably more like 12 homers and 17 steals, which isn’t bad at MI.  Ugh, I have my 2013 crush, Josh Rutledge, on my team and I am envious of my 2012 crush, Kendrick.  May as well put Brad Miller in as my utility man.

Michael Brantley – Scratched yesterday after displaying concussion symptoms.  Why can’t I have anything nice?  John McDonald should be banned from ever turning a double play.  His knees have already changed Morneau’s career forever and now Brantley has to deal with old McDonald’s knee, i, knee, i, ow!  Someone remove his mid-legs!

Lonnie Chisenhall – 2-for-4 and his 8th homer.  Only one?  Lonnie Gonnie make me yawnie!

Josh Tomlin – 5 1/3 IP, 5 ER.  Hey, Tomlin, get back in your oversized chair!

Bronson Arroyo – Diagnosed with a sprained UCL.  Be interesting to see what Arroyo’s fastball will look like after Tommy John surgery.  I’m guessing it will go backwards.

Todd Frazier – 2-for-5, 2 runs and a slam (16) and legs (7).  Last time I said something like this, McDonald dropped a big knee on Brantley, but Frazier is making better contact this year, so his average shouldn’t bottom out.  He’s running like I always thought he was capable of and making my sleeper post about him, not only doable, but capable of being exceeded by a lot.

Billy Hamilton – 3-for-4, 2 runs and 3 steals (26, 27, 28), two of them were easy, straight off Cumpton.  EFIL4FONGAS!

Ryan Ludwick – 2-for-3, 1 RBI a game after going 4-for-5.  It won’t last forever, so get in while the getting’s goodwick.

Josh Harrison – 4-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 3rd steal.  He’s already been dropped down to the bottom of the order, and I was kinda hoping Harrrison would slump out of the lineup, so not to mess with Starling Marte (2-for-5, 2 runs, hitting .264).  Marte does seem like he’s moved back on the Pirates good side.  The non-eye patched side, specifically.

Jordy Mercer – 2-for-5 and his 1st steal.  I picked him up to replace Rutledge since he never plays.  This is my pity party.  Leave me alone.

Jedd Gyorko – Not near returning since he’s shuffling around in a walking boot.  The Gyorkoff should’ve had a boot put on his bats.

Roenis Elias – 7 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 6 Ks.  As the weird guy with the feathered hair says in the urinal next to you, “Nice stream.”  The Stream-o-Nator doesn’t like his next start, and I can understand it.

James Jones – 3-for-5, 1 run and his 11th steal and 4th in two games.  Loving Jim Jones and I’m drinking the SAGNOF Kool-Aid!

Robinson Cano – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer.  Watch out, Erick Aybar, Cano’s coming for you!

Jesus Montero – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 1st home run.  Jesus Montero could make a non-believer out of the most religious person.

CC Sabathia – Threw a bullpen session.  Your uncle just sat up straight, thinking, “Now, if only Verlander can fix himself, my fantasy team is going to be rad!”

Masahiro Tanaka – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 10 Ks vs. the completely lifeless Blue Jays.  It’s like Dave Winfield threw a warm-up toss at the Blue Jays.

Colby Rasmus – Due back today.  Yay, he finally figured out Waze!

Marcus Stroman – 3 2/3 IP, 2 ER.  Blue Jays should really put him in the rotation already.  Oh, right.

Darwin Barney – 1-for-4, 1 run and a steal.  His steal was the front end of a double steal with Eli Whiteside.  Elias Sports Bureau said the Barney/Whiteside double steal was the most unathletic sounding double steal ever recorded in baseball history.

Junior Lake – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer, hitting .236 on the year.  He’s giving the kind of year you were expecting from Venable.  I’m not sure if that’s a compliment.  I think it is.

Luis Valbuena – 2-for-5, 1 RBI.  He’s usually Malbuena, but he’s hitting over .400 in the last week and has been leading off.  Hot schmotato!

Anthony DeSclafani – 6 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Eovaldi’s paisan and Teresa DeSclafani’s brother who chased you all over school to beat you up for spreading rumors about her didn’t, how do I say this, look so good.  I’d leave him for NL-Only’ers for now.  DeSclafani’s too Old World for you mixed leaguers.

Adeiny Hechavarria – 4-for-5, 1 run, has hit in six straight, but I’m pessimistic it’ll continue for a Hechavarria long time.

Jake Marisnick – 2-for-4, 1 run.  In case it wasn’t clear when I said I liked Marisnick more than Yelich when they were first called up last year, I’ll say again on the reiteration tip, I would own him.  Don’t love him batting eighth though, as he did yesterday.  They never batted Mantlenick eighth!

Carlos Gomez – Out for his 2nd straight game with a sore hamstring.  Oh, no, the name CarGo is polluted.  We have to evacuate!

Jonathan Lucroy – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 5 RBIs and two homers (7, 8), hitting .341 on the year.  If the Brewers continue to win, Lucroy’s going to win the MVP and end up ranked number one overall at Rotoworld.  Whether it’s Jonathan or Joninstead of, he’s making it hard to compare him to any catchers.

Scooter Gennett – 3-for-5, 1 run, hitting near-.450 in the last week.  Scooter can’t be stopped, but he can be contained by a heavy bike chain.

Roger Kieschnick – 1-for-4 and his 1st homer.  No relation to Marisnick.  He’s been playing every day in left field and has some power.  More of an NL-Only play for now, but since the Diamondbacks gave up on this season already, they might just play him a lot until Trumbo returns.

Desmond Jennings – 1-for-5 and his 6th homer as he hits .241.  This is completely unsubstantiated by any facts, but it seems like he gets his batting average to right around .240 then shoots up to .260, then plummets again to .240.  Even if it’s not true, it will seem like it.  It’s called confirmation bias.

Steve Pearce – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer.  Don’t even look at his player page.  No wonder they call him Steve Pearce’ing eyes.  He’s a PUA, for sure.

Adam Wainwright – His bullpen session today will decide whether or not he can start on Saturday.  Like a fish, I wait with bated breath.

Jon Jay – 2-for-5, 1 run, 1 RBI.  The Federalist is making papers!  Yesterday, he was hitting near.-400 in the last week, now hitting near-.450.  Do I hear .500 in the last week?  We’ll see tomorrow.  Or not.  Your choice.

Lucas Duda – 2-for-3 and his 9th homer.  Has a five-game hitting streak, but not much else to mention.  Hohum, which only sounds like a sexy time command.

David Wright – 2-for-4 and his 5th homer.  Bit early to be thinking about this, but I’m curious where he’s going to get drafted next year.  Him and Pedroia are battling for one and two for more name value than anything else.

Matt Cain – 5 IP, 7 ER.  Your uncle again, “Okay, when I get CC, Verlander AND Cain right, I’m going to be unstoppable!”

Hunter Pence – 2-for-5 and his 10th homer.  Guessing he’s going to go crazy on the base paths today or he may just have a mental breakdown.  “I need three steals!”  Pence’s arms and legs flailing.

Adam Eaton – 2-for-4, 1 run, 1 RBI and his 6th steal.  Okay, I’ve seen enough.  He wasn’t good for about two months there, but he’s hitting over .400 in the last week and is only owned in 44% of leagues.  He could be over 90% by next week.  Go.  Now.

Gordon Beckham – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer.  Speaking of Beckham, I have World Cup Fever!   I mean, I felt a little under the weather and I hear the World Cup is going on.  That’s World Cup Fever, right?

Dayan Viciedo – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer.  Has it been a week since his last homer?  Time really flies when you have World Cup Fever!  Here, feel my forehead.  That’s not my forehead, silly!

Matt Kemp – 1-for-4 and his 7th homer.  Wow, I honestly thought he retired.

Hanley Ramirez – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 11th homer, but was hit in the hand by a liner and had to leave the game.    The good news, he might have an actual excuse for missing games this time.

Bryce Harper – Took batting practice, which is great, but there was six kids waiting for their turn in the cage and Harper just kept going and going.  Not cool.

Tanner Roark – 5 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks.  I’m not embarrassed to say I picked Roark up two starts ago to stream, then dropped him, then picked him back up for his next start, then dropped him, then picked him back up.  On my team, he has 19 IP and a 1.42 ERA, 1.00 WHIP and three wins.  I think I’m just gonna keep him now.

Denard Span – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 10th steal.  No idea where I’ve heard his name before.  Oh, I know!  I’ve been telling you to pick him up for the last three weeks.  That’s right.

Ryan Zimmerman – 2-for-4, 1 run, 2 RBIs.  I feel like this is the first positive mention of Zimmerman all year, and it’s a backhanded one because I’m pointing out he’s had no positive news all year.  How’s dem apples?  Sour!

Dallas Keuchel – 5 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners, 4 Ks.  A normal start from a pitcher you never heard of prior to this year was bound to happen.  His peripherals still look fine, and I’d look at this as a bump in the road, and not a bump in the road like when you rent a car, open all the doors and then go over a speed bump as hard as you can because you paid for insurance on the rental.  What?  I’m the only one that does that?

Jose Altuve – 4-for-5, 1 run, 2 RBIs as he returned from his injured hand.  If height was might, Altuve would be a two-sport star also in the NBA.

Matt Dominguez – 2-for-5, 1 run, 1 RBI.  Hey, a non-Sunday solid game!  Dominguez, you make me grateful I didn’t set my iCal reminder to pick you up on Saturday.  Dominguez has three straight two-hit games, including a homer (on Sunday, of course).

Dexter Fowler – 2-for-5, 1 run, 1 RBI.  He’s hitting near-.400 in the month of June.  Yup.  On our 30-day Player Rater, Fowler is top 50.  (Oh, and Michael Brantley was number one.  Oy.)

Drew Pomeranz – Hit the DL with a fractured hand after punching a chair.  Too bad it wasn’t the Chair of the Grey Hates Your Guts Committee, Prince Fielder.

Derek Norris – 2-for-2, 5 RBIs and his 8th homer as he replaced John Jaso who had gone 2-for-3, 1 run.  Can I get Billy Beane to manage just my catcher spot on my fantasy teams?

Stephen Vogt – 3-for-3, 1 run, 2 RBIs, hitting .359 in 12 games this year.  I don’t trust guys with a GT in their name, unless it’s short for GTL, but he does have catcher eligibility for deep leagues.

Alberto Callaspo – 2-for-2, 1 RBI and is officially a hot schmotato after his 4-for-5 night on Monday.  For those hurting at MI, do onto your team as Momma Callaspo would want done.

Carlos Pena – The Rangers signed him to a minor league deal.  You know there’s someone in the Rangers front office assigned to finding out if Lance Berkman wants to come out of retirement.  You know there is.

Yu Darvish – 5 IP, 4 ER.  Did anyone see Verlander sneeze on him?   Please, we have to know what vaccine to use!

Rougned Odor – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 3rd homer, hitting near-.350 in the last week.  It feels like the week of middle infielders and I was using Rutledge?  Old stupidity dies hard.

David Carpenter – Hit the 15-day DL with a strained right biceps.  Carpenter went from hammering home pitches to screwed.

Cliff Lee – Threw twenty pitches yesterday.  With the economy of strikes to balls he throws, that’ll get him through five innings.  Get back on the field!

Ryan Howard – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 13th homer, which came in the first inning.  Bangfizzle!

Reid Brignac – 2-for-5, 1 run, hitting near-.400 in the last week with a homer and steal.  I don’t like him, you don’t like him, but we don’t have to to (stutterer!) own a guy that is hot.

Kyle Kendrick – 7 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Now has back-to-back Quality Starts, which is whatever since he’s a streamer, and the Stream-o-Nator hates his next start (though it didn’t like last night’s either, FWIWerth).

Grady Sizemore – Designated for assignment.  His assignment is to shoot some more of those hot-as-f*ck selfies — rawr!

Brock Holt – 2-for-4, 2 runs, and his 5th steal.  Waiting until a guy gets cold to pick him up is kinda counterintuitive.

Phil Hughes – 8 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks.  He has 72 Ks and 8 walks in 82 1/3 IP.  Zoinks!  He just needed to get away from the bright glare in New York, I guess.  That bright glare being the sun reflecting off of Girardi’s braces.

Daniel Santana – 2-for-4, 1 run and his 6th steal, hitting .346 since he was promoted.  Santana rankings:  Danny, Tito, Santana (band), Ervin, Carlos.  Danny, you Leaping Lanny Poffo’d Tito!

Yohan Pino – Will take over the Twins rotation spot of Deduno.  He’s a 30-year-old rookie on the Twins, so I’d pass.  His name does fit well into The Pina Colada Song though.  If Yohan Pino and making love in the rain…If you’re not into YoGa, or thinking, “Whatever happened to Jason Lane?”

2020 Draft Kit
  1. Sal says:

    Who would you rather have eaton or Calhoun

    • gareth says:

      @Sal: I’d rather have punctuation.

      • Landru says:

        @gareth: Gareth wins the internet.

    • Mike

      Mike says:


    • Grey

      Grey says:

      @Sal: Coin flip, I’d lean Calhoun barely

      • Sparty Scott says:

        @Grey: Calhoun or Arcia?

        • Grey

          Grey says:


          • I Zimbra says:


            Yea those K% and BB% really scream success to come….

  2. Eddy says:


    Is there a reason your rundowns come out in the 3am EST-3:10am range? Or is that time something you can maybe push earlier to 2:45 am?

    All my leagues are next-day adds, and often times I’m waiting to see who are your must-adds in these rundowns, but it sucks because then I have to wait a whole next day to get the player on my team after you tout them. I’ll add them at around 3:20 a.m. Wednesday, but then have to wait till Thursday night to see them in action. Would much rather add them at around 2:55 a.m on a “Fantasy Tuesday” and get them in for Wednesday.

    Also, that’s a #firstworldproblem if there ever was one.

    Anyways, just a suggestion. I know it may not go anywhere, but the difference of 15 minutes would be huge in having the player added to your roster the very next day instead of waiting 24 hours and possibly missing out on some more hot schmotato-ness!

    • Spammer Jay says:

      @Eddy: wow.

      • Phil of the Future says:

        I’m calling troll…

    • Wallpaper Paterson says:

      @Eddy: You can’t add players without help?

      • goodfold2 says:

        @Wallpaper Paterson: get your comish to change to daily-today transactions, which are better than the current daily-tomorrow rubbish you are currently living under. also, does your dog follow you around when you defecate?

    • justanuncle says:

      @Eddy: couple problems here: he obviously has to wait until all the games are finished before he can post his thoughts. If the games end around elevenish western standard time; then he would be done writing at twelve which is around three on the east coast. While he is the fantasy baseball writer of our generation it still takes side time to come up with this shizz. Get off his jock and let the man work. People who live on the east coast always think the world revolves around them.

    • Yescheese says:

      @Eddy: wow

    • @Eddy: Eddy move to the west coast, it would be easier that

      • BitchesBeShoppach says:

        So rather than message your commissioner to ask for a change you message writers at a website to tell them how to do their job? Right on!

    • Phil of the Future says:


    • Moose Out Front says:

      @Eddy: I mean, just…

      Gray throws down a comprehensive and humorous 3000 word essay every day of the week that drops in the middle of the night and you want it earlier! Plus your league settings suck which is the real problem.

    • SallyCips says:

      @Eddy: Stop playing in leagues that require you to be up at 3am for one.

      • MattTruss

        MattTruss223 says:

        @SallyCips: THIS

    • Peter Nincompoop says:

      @Eddy: NC…not cool.

    • Bed Devils says:

      @Eddy: Hey! lay off of poor Eddy…maybe he just bought Grey a $2 Million daiquiri or maybe he saved Grey’s Coug and now he’s collecting on his debts.

  3. Free Max B says:

    I know this is a (repeated) follow-up question, but I’ll try to keep it concise. I just can’t finalize a move without Grey approval ;) (no, maybe yes homo).

    You okay’d my Rizzo/Myers/Dickey/Porcello for Kinsler/Belt/Lee/Soriano. I’m feeling a lot better about it now.

    Alternatively I can send Rizzo/Hamilton/Beltran/Dickey/Porcello for the same plus James Shields.

    Leave the first one alone?

    • Commissioner of the Fantasy Overlord Defamation League says:

      @Free Max B: Billy or Josh?
      I love me some Big Game James though

    • Spammer Jay says:

      @Free Max B: grey is the saint of fantasy baseball.

      • Ante GALIC says:

        @Spammer Jay: Though I think even he would agree that Saint Grey sounds gayer than Saint Elmo’s Fire. Better to be just good ol’ Grey without the saint part.


  4. Filkarri says:

    I need steals so I’m looking at picking up James Jones. Is he worth dropping Zach Wheeler or Torii Hunter? 12 team roto with limited moves. Thanks!

    • Mike

      Mike says:

      keep in mind that that little outburst came against the Padres, one of the easiest teams to run against. I would hold the other two players, honestly.

  5. Commissioner of the Fantasy Overlord Defamation League says:

    Hey Grey,

    Good job on yet another entertaining read. Quick pitching question today. 5 pitching cat league (ERA, WHIP, K, W, SV) Believe it or not, at the time of Heaney’s call up, both him and Taijuan Walker were available. Obviously Walker’s owner was sick of the FBO attacking his team. (Sidenote: After me bragging that the FBO had not cursed any of my pitchers with Tommy John all year, what did he do? Send my catcher under the knife. Goodbye Weiters, it was fun stashing you on my DL while it lasted. God, the FBO is truly sick.) So I picked up Heaney, but am wondering if you think I should drop him for Taijuan? I have room til Trumbo comes off the DL so who do you think will be better in the interim? Let me know.

    Da Commish

  6. gareth says:

    Hey J-foh – how about another batty call challenge? Did you pick up / or plan to pick up someone for today / tomorrow?

    I already grabbed someone for today’s game. If you did too, let me know and I will reveal who I added. Then let the batty battle commence!

  7. gareth says:


  8. OhSoSuave. says:

    First time posting on this site but love it! It’s been a huge help. I finished in last place last year and am somehow managing to be in first so far (Jose Abreu is Cuban Jeezus) but I was wondering who you’d prefer in a trade that I have proposed to me.
    My Ryan Braun for Rafael soriano and king Felix. Arms or the bat? Any response would help! Thanks Playas.<—gangster way of saying player(assuming you don't just crush alot)

    • The Fantasy Dick says:

      @OhSoSuave.: Are you weak in saves and do you lack a top starter? Who would fill in for Braun?

    • Mike

      Mike says:


    • Moose Out Front says:

      @OhSoSuave.: I think Gray would say Braun and don’t pay for saves.

      • Moose Out Front says:

        @Moose Out Front: *Grey. Having Sonny on my team this year has me messing the spelling up for the real Grey.

  9. Spammer Jay says:

    Hey grey! Thanks for the the aybar comparison. I feel special! I was thinking ‘Pino noir’ but thanks for getting that song in my head. If you like reading razzball at midnight!…dum…badabumbum

  10. Dan says:

    Neil walker, Danny Santana, or Kolten Wong ROS?

    • Mike

      Mike says:

      Walker…Wong if steals is a bigger issue for you

    • Peter Nincompoop says:

      @Dan: Walker

    • Inglourious Dirty ol' Basterd says:

      @Dan: Screw Walker.

  11. Balmy Tundrastein says:

    i saw you yesterday tell somebody that you’d take hahn over volquez? does this apply to QS 16 team leagues? i’m worried even if you like hahn (it was one start against the Mess), his roster spot doesn’t seem very secure. your answer could’ve applied only to shallower leagues where a bunch of guys like these are openly available, or you could’ve directed answer due to short term future opps. this league has free agent pitchers like worley/koehler/tomlin (only after yesterday’s start)/cosart/kendrick/santiago. also i’m assuming volquez is better than those listed guys.
    2. weakest start out of
    hutchison @ NYY (SON doesn’t buy into “road dominance” of hutch)
    morton @ CUBS (has been great lately)
    Odorizzi vs HOU (SON loves this and he was good last time)

    • Mike

      Mike says:


      • Balmy Tundrastein says:

        @Grey: it wasn’t too long though before it told right, it likely became longer term.

  12. A2K says:

    Odor or Wong ROS?

    • Mike

      Mike says:


      • A2K says:


        Thanks, keep rippin

  13. Pops says:


    We have the Kimbrel—I nominate………The Verlander

    • @Pops: As in, Sherzer went all Verlander last night and then some!!