The Royals are Daddy Rich from Car Wash or Max Scherzer owed Verlander a favor. “Hey, Scherzer, do me a solid and do a solid on the mound so my Monday start doesn’t look so bad. You feel me? If you do, I got a Ms. Upton to feel you.” Little did Scherzer know that Verlander wasn’t talking about Kate Upton, but about Justin and B.J.’s sister, Misshapen. “Misshapen, your legs are so curvaceous they remind me of the coastline of Africa.” Or maybe Verlander is just spreading something around the clubhouse. Anibal, you better not touch him or I will know it! Scherzer only lost once all of last year at home, which is slightly misleading like I’m saying he is that much better at home. He only lost twice on the road last year and his ERA on the road was almost a run and half lower. Yesterday, it all went to pot — Lincecum, “That’s where I want to go!” — as Scherzer gave up 10 runs in four innings. Leyland was right. Pitchers are like barbecuing pork. You need a lot of indirect smoke to tender up their shoulder and get ’em right. If this allows a buying opportunity on Scherzer, unlike Verlander, I do think this was a hiccup rather than a long, extended burp. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Mike Moustakas – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer. The Avett Brothers would say, “Three words that became hard to say ‘I and love and Mostsuckass.'” Me and Mostsuckass are like Sid and Nancy.
Alex Gordon – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 8th home run. We’re not good yet, but you keep trying to make it right, AG, and I won’t give you the biz!
Alcides Escobar – 3-for-5, 3 runs. Just assume everyone had multiple hits yesterday, except Hosmer. Almost doh!
J.D. Martinez – 3-for-4, 1 run. Has a 7-game hitting streak going, so we won’t start pressing DiMaggio’s ashes through a coffee press just yet, but I would grab J.D. for a little hot schmotato action.
Ian Kinsler – 2-for-4 and his 7th homer. After talking complimentary about Brantley the other day and causing him to be the latest Concusstador, you’ll have to excuse me if I don’t say anything nice about Kinsler, but simply nod, smiling.
Mike Trout – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and two home runs. This is his fantasy owner yelling to his girlfriend, “Baby, I just learned how to be multi-orgasmic!”
Kole Calhoun – 4-for-5, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer. If I knew The Sciosciapath would use this as the impetus to start Calhoun every day, I’d say mazel tov, he’s headed for a star mitzvah! I don’t trust The Sciosciapath though.
Matt Shoemaker – 8 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 10 Ks. He’s pitched excellent in his short time in the majors — 9.6 K/9; 1.9 BB/9; 2.96 xFIP; 5.3 Salami/Calabrese. Okay, I made up the last one, but still the real ones are good. Yet, his minor league numbers are terrible — 6+ ERA this year in Triple-A; 4.64 ERA in 2013. I’d still lay off him in most mixed leagues, but I’d give him a flyer in some deeper ones.
Howie Kendrick – 3-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer, hitting .274 on the season with nine steals (and was caught yesterday). Pacing out to a 10-homer, 20-steal season, which I doubt he gets to. Probably more like 12 homers and 17 steals, which isn’t bad at MI. Ugh, I have my 2013 crush, Josh Rutledge, on my team and I am envious of my 2012 crush, Kendrick. May as well put Brad Miller in as my utility man.
Michael Brantley – Scratched yesterday after displaying concussion symptoms. Why can’t I have anything nice? John McDonald should be banned from ever turning a double play. His knees have already changed Morneau’s career forever and now Brantley has to deal with old McDonald’s knee, i, knee, i, ow! Someone remove his mid-legs!
Lonnie Chisenhall – 2-for-4 and his 8th homer. Only one? Lonnie Gonnie make me yawnie!
Josh Tomlin – 5 1/3 IP, 5 ER. Hey, Tomlin, get back in your oversized chair!
Bronson Arroyo – Diagnosed with a sprained UCL. Be interesting to see what Arroyo’s fastball will look like after Tommy John surgery. I’m guessing it will go backwards.
Todd Frazier – 2-for-5, 2 runs and a slam (16) and legs (7). Last time I said something like this, McDonald dropped a big knee on Brantley, but Frazier is making better contact this year, so his average shouldn’t bottom out. He’s running like I always thought he was capable of and making my sleeper post about him, not only doable, but capable of being exceeded by a lot.
Billy Hamilton – 3-for-4, 2 runs and 3 steals (26, 27, 28), two of them were easy, straight off Cumpton. EFIL4FONGAS!
Ryan Ludwick – 2-for-3, 1 RBI a game after going 4-for-5. It won’t last forever, so get in while the getting’s goodwick.
Josh Harrison – 4-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 3rd steal. He’s already been dropped down to the bottom of the order, and I was kinda hoping Harrrison would slump out of the lineup, so not to mess with Starling Marte (2-for-5, 2 runs, hitting .264). Marte does seem like he’s moved back on the Pirates good side. The non-eye patched side, specifically.
Jordy Mercer – 2-for-5 and his 1st steal. I picked him up to replace Rutledge since he never plays. This is my pity party. Leave me alone.
Jedd Gyorko – Not near returning since he’s shuffling around in a walking boot. The Gyorkoff should’ve had a boot put on his bats.
Roenis Elias – 7 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 6 Ks. As the weird guy with the feathered hair says in the urinal next to you, “Nice stream.” The Stream-o-Nator doesn’t like his next start, and I can understand it.
James Jones – 3-for-5, 1 run and his 11th steal and 4th in two games. Loving Jim Jones and I’m drinking the SAGNOF Kool-Aid!
CC Sabathia – Threw a bullpen session. Your uncle just sat up straight, thinking, “Now, if only Verlander can fix himself, my fantasy team is going to be rad!”
Colby Rasmus – Due back today. Yay, he finally figured out Waze!
Darwin Barney – 1-for-4, 1 run and a steal. His steal was the front end of a double steal with Eli Whiteside. Elias Sports Bureau said the Barney/Whiteside double steal was the most unathletic sounding double steal ever recorded in baseball history.
Junior Lake – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer, hitting .236 on the year. He’s giving the kind of year you were expecting from Venable. I’m not sure if that’s a compliment. I think it is.
Luis Valbuena – 2-for-5, 1 RBI. He’s usually Malbuena, but he’s hitting over .400 in the last week and has been leading off. Hot schmotato!
Anthony DeSclafani – 6 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks. Eovaldi’s paisan and Teresa DeSclafani’s brother who chased you all over school to beat you up for spreading rumors about her didn’t, how do I say this, look so good. I’d leave him for NL-Only’ers for now. DeSclafani’s too Old World for you mixed leaguers.
Adeiny Hechavarria – 4-for-5, 1 run, has hit in six straight, but I’m pessimistic it’ll continue for a Hechavarria long time.
Jake Marisnick – 2-for-4, 1 run. In case it wasn’t clear when I said I liked Marisnick more than Yelich when they were first called up last year, I’ll say again on the reiteration tip, I would own him. Don’t love him batting eighth though, as he did yesterday. They never batted Mantlenick eighth!
Carlos Gomez – Out for his 2nd straight game with a sore hamstring. Oh, no, the name CarGo is polluted. We have to evacuate!
Jonathan Lucroy – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 5 RBIs and two homers (7, 8), hitting .341 on the year. If the Brewers continue to win, Lucroy’s going to win the MVP and end up ranked number one overall at Rotoworld. Whether it’s Jonathan or Joninstead of, he’s making it hard to compare him to any catchers.
Scooter Gennett – 3-for-5, 1 run, hitting near-.450 in the last week. Scooter can’t be stopped, but he can be contained by a heavy bike chain.
Roger Kieschnick – 1-for-4 and his 1st homer. No relation to Marisnick. He’s been playing every day in left field and has some power. More of an NL-Only play for now, but since the Diamondbacks gave up on this season already, they might just play him a lot until Trumbo returns.
Desmond Jennings – 1-for-5 and his 6th homer as he hits .241. This is completely unsubstantiated by any facts, but it seems like he gets his batting average to right around .240 then shoots up to .260, then plummets again to .240. Even if it’s not true, it will seem like it. It’s called confirmation bias.
Adam Wainwright – His bullpen session today will decide whether or not he can start on Saturday. Like a fish, I wait with bated breath.
Jon Jay – 2-for-5, 1 run, 1 RBI. The Federalist is making papers! Yesterday, he was hitting near.-400 in the last week, now hitting near-.450. Do I hear .500 in the last week? We’ll see tomorrow. Or not. Your choice.
Lucas Duda – 2-for-3 and his 9th homer. Has a five-game hitting streak, but not much else to mention. Hohum, which only sounds like a sexy time command.
David Wright – 2-for-4 and his 5th homer. Bit early to be thinking about this, but I’m curious where he’s going to get drafted next year. Him and Pedroia are battling for one and two for more name value than anything else.
Matt Cain – 5 IP, 7 ER. Your uncle again, “Okay, when I get CC, Verlander AND Cain right, I’m going to be unstoppable!”
Hunter Pence – 2-for-5 and his 10th homer. Guessing he’s going to go crazy on the base paths today or he may just have a mental breakdown. “I need three steals!” Pence’s arms and legs flailing.
Adam Eaton – 2-for-4, 1 run, 1 RBI and his 6th steal. Okay, I’ve seen enough. He wasn’t good for about two months there, but he’s hitting over .400 in the last week and is only owned in 44% of leagues. He could be over 90% by next week. Go. Now.
Gordon Beckham – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer. Speaking of Beckham, I have World Cup Fever! I mean, I felt a little under the weather and I hear the World Cup is going on. That’s World Cup Fever, right?
Dayan Viciedo – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer. Has it been a week since his last homer? Time really flies when you have World Cup Fever! Here, feel my forehead. That’s not my forehead, silly!
Matt Kemp – 1-for-4 and his 7th homer. Wow, I honestly thought he retired.
Hanley Ramirez – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 11th homer, but was hit in the hand by a liner and had to leave the game. The good news, he might have an actual excuse for missing games this time.
Bryce Harper – Took batting practice, which is great, but there was six kids waiting for their turn in the cage and Harper just kept going and going. Not cool.
Tanner Roark – 5 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks. I’m not embarrassed to say I picked Roark up two starts ago to stream, then dropped him, then picked him back up for his next start, then dropped him, then picked him back up. On my team, he has 19 IP and a 1.42 ERA, 1.00 WHIP and three wins. I think I’m just gonna keep him now.
Denard Span – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 10th steal. No idea where I’ve heard his name before. Oh, I know! I’ve been telling you to pick him up for the last three weeks. That’s right.
Ryan Zimmerman – 2-for-4, 1 run, 2 RBIs. I feel like this is the first positive mention of Zimmerman all year, and it’s a backhanded one because I’m pointing out he’s had no positive news all year. How’s dem apples? Sour!
Dallas Keuchel – 5 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners, 4 Ks. A normal start from a pitcher you never heard of prior to this year was bound to happen. His peripherals still look fine, and I’d look at this as a bump in the road, and not a bump in the road like when you rent a car, open all the doors and then go over a speed bump as hard as you can because you paid for insurance on the rental. What? I’m the only one that does that?
Jose Altuve – 4-for-5, 1 run, 2 RBIs as he returned from his injured hand. If height was might, Altuve would be a two-sport star also in the NBA.
Matt Dominguez – 2-for-5, 1 run, 1 RBI. Hey, a non-Sunday solid game! Dominguez, you make me grateful I didn’t set my iCal reminder to pick you up on Saturday. Dominguez has three straight two-hit games, including a homer (on Sunday, of course).
Derek Norris – 2-for-2, 5 RBIs and his 8th homer as he replaced John Jaso who had gone 2-for-3, 1 run. Can I get Billy Beane to manage just my catcher spot on my fantasy teams?
Stephen Vogt – 3-for-3, 1 run, 2 RBIs, hitting .359 in 12 games this year. I don’t trust guys with a GT in their name, unless it’s short for GTL, but he does have catcher eligibility for deep leagues.
Alberto Callaspo – 2-for-2, 1 RBI and is officially a hot schmotato after his 4-for-5 night on Monday. For those hurting at MI, do onto your team as Momma Callaspo would want done.
Carlos Pena – The Rangers signed him to a minor league deal. You know there’s someone in the Rangers front office assigned to finding out if Lance Berkman wants to come out of retirement. You know there is.
Yu Darvish – 5 IP, 4 ER. Did anyone see Verlander sneeze on him? Please, we have to know what vaccine to use!
Rougned Odor – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 3rd homer, hitting near-.350 in the last week. It feels like the week of middle infielders and I was using Rutledge? Old stupidity dies hard.
David Carpenter – Hit the 15-day DL with a strained right biceps. Carpenter went from hammering home pitches to screwed.
Cliff Lee – Threw twenty pitches yesterday. With the economy of strikes to balls he throws, that’ll get him through five innings. Get back on the field!
Reid Brignac – 2-for-5, 1 run, hitting near-.400 in the last week with a homer and steal. I don’t like him, you don’t like him, but we don’t have to to (stutterer!) own a guy that is hot.
Kyle Kendrick – 7 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks. Now has back-to-back Quality Starts, which is whatever since he’s a streamer, and the Stream-o-Nator hates his next start (though it didn’t like last night’s either, FWIWerth).
Grady Sizemore – Designated for assignment. His assignment is to shoot some more of those hot-as-f*ck selfies — rawr!
Brock Holt – 2-for-4, 2 runs, and his 5th steal. Waiting until a guy gets cold to pick him up is kinda counterintuitive.
Phil Hughes – 8 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks. He has 72 Ks and 8 walks in 82 1/3 IP. Zoinks! He just needed to get away from the bright glare in New York, I guess. That bright glare being the sun reflecting off of Girardi’s braces.
Daniel Santana – 2-for-4, 1 run and his 6th steal, hitting .346 since he was promoted. Santana rankings: Danny, Tito, Santana (band), Ervin, Carlos. Danny, you Leaping Lanny Poffo’d Tito!
Yohan Pino – Will take over the Twins rotation spot of Deduno. He’s a 30-year-old rookie on the Twins, so I’d pass. His name does fit well into The Pina Colada Song though. If Yohan Pino and making love in the rain…If you’re not into YoGa, or thinking, “Whatever happened to Jason Lane?”