The Tigers have filled their corner outfield with eight year olds that would be friends with the little white kid from The Blind Side and Friday Night Lights that won the hearts of stoic football players. “Gotta go, Mikie. We invited, JaCoby over!” You know the little white kid aka Brandon Inge. “Hey, Ron Gardenhire, can we invite Leonys Martin to live with us?” Ron thinks about it for a second, then, “Sure, if you’ll help me check my blood sugar.” “Ron, no more Ben & Jerry’s!” “Aw geez.” Ron musses Brandon Inge’s hair and they walk off into the sunset, which in Detroit is a spray-painted sun on a wall. In the doubleheader yesterday, Leonys Martin (3-for-10 and his 3rd and 4th homer) continued his recent brilliance. This was why I begged numerous past teams to give him a starting job! Also, in the do-he (totally an abbreviation), Jeimer Candelario (4-for-10, 6 runs) kept being red-hot schmotato hot, hitting his 4th homer, and his 4th homer in the last 11 games, while hitting near-.400 in that time, raising his average almost hundred points. Candelario also must drink a lot of Mexican tap water, because he’s got the runs! Then there was Nicholas Castellanos (5-for-9, 5 RBIs, 2 runs, hitting .333, and his 2nd homer). It’s the Greek God of Hard Contact from the country of Hekindahitit. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Francisco Cervelli – 3-for-4, 6 RBIs and his 3rd homer. If the Pirates’ announcer’s home run call is not, “Ciao Francisco Cervelli!” Nothing is right in this world.
Colin Moran – 3-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 2nd homer. That batty call was almost worth waking up at three in the morning and accidentally spraying Aquanet in my mouth and splashing Listerine on my hair.
Jameson Taillon – 3 2/3 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 4.91. That’s a real kick in the nut.
Ronald Acuna – 1-for-5, 1 run. I was told on Twitter Acuña is with a Tilde Swinton on the N. Know what? Whatever Acuña wants Acuña gets. Personally, I prefer ACUÑA! Know matter if it’s in the middle or end of a sentence. Example, “I’m wearing a yarmulke so I look like the N in ACUÑA!” Or, “ACUÑA! is the name I scream during sex.” See, always capped, always exclamatory.
A.J. Minter – 1 IP, 0 ER and the save, ERA at 2.19. That save is random. I hope the Braves didn’t suddenly make a closer change. If they did, it’s a head scratcher, presumably with a tomahawk. Minter has been solid, but Vizcaino hasn’t been less so. Hoping it’s just because the Braves scored super late, and Minter was already warming up.
Ozzie Albies – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 7th homer, hitting .283. Albies and Acuña were both born in 1997. The onion powder in Cougs’ cupboard is older.
Joey Votto – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer, and 2nd in as many games. “Hey, you almost closed the Buy Low window on my finger.” Then, blushes, “Okay, that wasn’t my finger.”
Eric Thames – Hit the DL with a UCL tear in his thumb, and could cost him a few months. Damn, he had six more days of excellence! Let me see if I can count my Ryan Braun (3-for-5, 2 runs) shares. *insert GIF of Grey making snow angels in a pile of money* This will also mean more playing time for Jesus Aguilar (1-for-3, 2 RBIs) and Domingo Santana (0-for-2, 2 runs). Rejoice over the fallen Thames thumb!
Mike Moustakas – 1-for-4 and his 7th homer. Moistasskiss!
Trevor Richards – 4 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners (3 BBs), 10 Ks, ERA at 4.94. This week’s Danny Salazar Award goes to…Trevor Richards! Congrats, we think.
Brad Ziegler – 1 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 8.44. The Marlins’ bullpen is like my college dorm room — a complete mess and occasionally you’ll turn over something covered in vomit.
J.T. Realmuto – 2-for-6, 3 RBIs and his 3rd and 4th homer. And here’s Jerry Tomato singing lettuce entertain you!
Yasmani Grandal – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer, hitting .324. Why do I feel like I want to carry a catcher in my UTIL spot? Gross. Dot dot dot. But maybe not.
Mac Williamson – Scratched with neck stiffness. He was making me scratch with other stiffness.
Jeff Samardzija – 3 2/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 6.23. Ah, there you are my old friend. Not Samardzija, but the ulcer I have from owning Samardzija.
Max Scherzer – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 1.62. Only thing Scherzer is losing to Jeff Samardzija in is Scrabble. “I see your X and Z, and I raise you two J’s and a Z.” Though not even in Scrabble if you count Scherzer’s Ks.
Matt Adams – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 6 RBIs and his 3rd homer. Nationals love guys like this. Or maybe they make them into this. This one tool, platoon once-a-week, productive when playing corner man. Last year, it was Adam Lind. This year, Adams.
Trea Turner – 5-for-6, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 10th steal, hitting .267. Seems like we’re likely seeing Turner’s floor right now. I know, sucks. A 60-steal pace. What are we ever gonna do with him?
Andrew Stevenson – 4-for-5, 2 runs, 4 RBIs. After it took Michael Taylor 4 years to become a regular, watch him lose it in one game to Stevenson. Why? There’s a ghost in the corner of the Nationals’ dugout chewing a toothpick that’ll tell you why, wise guy. Stevenson profiles as a guy who could steal 75 bags if one could talk their way on first and Andrew had a knack for arguing.
Jon Gray – 6 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 11 Ks, ERA at 5.79. Not sure why I didn’t realize this, but it’s gonna be a rollercoaster owning him, huh? A rollercoaster with both eyes opened like we’re in A Clockwork Orange.
Jose Abreu – 0-for-2 then left with the flu. Yo, down some Tussin and get back out there!
Yoan Moncada – 1-for-4 and his 5th homer. Maybe going for boring reliable Robinson Cano wasn’t the move you should’ve made at 2nd base.
James Shields – 6 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 6.14 vs. Felix Hernandez – 6 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.96. This matchup was billed as, “F-Her vs. Shields, But Wear Condoms For Both.”
Mike Zunino – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 2nd homer. Who’s Zunino’ing who?!
Sonny Gray – 4 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 5 BBs, ERA at 7.71. I watched him throw a four-pitch walk to Robbie Grossman while Larry Rothschild sat in the dugout with a giant animated question mark over his head, and I’m convinced of the narrative that Gray’s mechanics are off, like it’s Christmas, Hanukah and Toyotathon all on the same day. I’m invested in Gray, so I want him to be right, but I don’t think he is. My guess is the next stop will be the Disgraceful List.
Didi Gregorius – 3-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer, hitting .372. In Monument Park, the ghosts of Lou Gehrig and Babe Ruth float on a cloud. They look out at Didi. “You think we should let him continue a little while longer?” “Sure, if it goes too far, we can always insist on an asterisk.” Babe sips from a Coke bottle, grimaces. “I have to stop accepting Coke bottles from Fatty Arbuckle.”
Tyler Austin – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 5th homer, hitting .305. I knew I should’ve drafted Tyler Austin instead of Giancarlo in the 1st round.
Zack Greinke – 6 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 4.80. I know it was in Philly, but shouldn’t every Diamondbacks pitcher have a negative ERA from the humidor?
Jake Arrieta – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 1.82. Sell high! What can you get? Get it! Okay, not Daniel Descalso. No, not Daniel Decalso, either, which is just Daniel Descalso misspelled.
Trevor Bauer – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 2.41. If there’s anyone on this site that doesn’t own Bauer, it means you didn’t trust me in the preseason, so why trust me now?
Francisco Lindor – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 3rd homer, hitting .222. Hand to God truth, I almost wrote 0-for-3 with a homer for Lindor he’s been so bad.
Edwin Encarnacion – 2-for-3 and his 5th homer. Damn, on pace for 35 homers. Now I know why everyone keeps asking in the comments if they can drop him. WUT.
Jon Lester – 7 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.29. Okay, super, great, you know all I want to talk about it Ian Happ batting ninth again, right? Albert Almora Jr. is not good! C’mon!
Tommy Pham – Left yesterday’s game with a laceration. When will the Asian street gangs realize, he isn’t Asian. “I am not going to fight you with rosined taped hands with affixed glass shards! Please, go harass, Kolten. The Cards don’t want him anyway!”
Jedd Gyorko – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. Don’t worry, he won’t play in back-to-back games.
Michael Wacha – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.62. Not saying he’s all the way back, but I saw him hit 97 MPH on the gun. Juggs Life! If I was at 60% glass filled on Wacha before this, I’m at about 77% filled. Moving in the right direction.
Steven Matz – 3 1/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 4.98 and may be out of the Mets’ rotation. Mickey Callaway’s recent Google search, “Has there ever been a team with a two-man rotation?”
Tim Beckham – Hit the DL with a groin strain. Here I thought I was the one pulling my pud waiting for him to do something.
Chance Sisco – 1-for-4 and his 1st homer, hitting .255. Might be too many nights drinking in a gas station during high school, but Sisco always makes me shudder.
Alex Cobb – 4 2/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 13.11 vs. Jake Faria – 4 1/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 6.33. This was billed as, “Keep Cobb-Faria Away From Me.”
Adrian Beltre – Hit the DL with a strained hamstring. So, I attempted to start a petition at Moveon.org to get Willie Calhoun promoted, but it says I need to be a non-profit. Does being a for-profit organization that doesn’t make a profit count? Unfortunately, it seems like the Rangers would rather split Kiner-Falefa into two people than call up Calhoun. “Kiner-f and Alefa…Damnit we need a better knife! Wish we could get the guy who cut Pham to help us.”
Joey Gallo – 3-for-3, 1 run with three singles. Is My Cousin Vinny impersonating him? He’s got grits now. And it takes him 20 minutes.
Mookie Betts – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 7th and 8th homer, hitting .350. Mookie Ballgame!
Andrew Benintendi – 0-for-3 and two steals (4, 5), hitting .218. Cool impersonation of Billy Hamilton, but could you hit a homer please?
Aaron Sanchez – 6 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.69 vs. Eduardo Rodriguez – 6 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.63. If you don’t own either of these guys, ask someone who does if they ever feel confident starting either of them. Gonna go out on a sturdy limb and say no.
Shohei Ohtani – His blister is now a callus. By the way, how coveted is 1-800-Call-Us by dermatologists? That’s the royal flush on the river of call-in numbers.
Albert Pujols – 1-for-4 and his 5th homer, hitting .257. He’s actually on pace for a similar season to last year. Only problem, last year wasn’t a great season for him. By the way, it was recently revealed Pujols might be older than he said for his whole career. No way! Shocker! You mean, he wasn’t bald at 24? Eff me.
Jose Altuve – 1-for-3 and his 1st homer, hitting .333. Know what would’ve been a wild “BOLD PREDICTION?” Yes, caps and bolded. Saying Altuve would have less than 10 homers this year.
Ken Giles – 1 IP, 0 ER, and his 2nd save, ERA at 2.00, WHIP at 0.67. Me listing those numbers is saying, “Like he’s been bad.” Cut him some slack, Hinch!
Justin Verlander – 7 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners (0 BBs), 9 Ks, ERA at 1.36. Late in the 1987 classic movie Can’t Buy Me Love, Ronald Miller romantically eyes an airplane graveyard and tells Cindy Mancini, “They don’t make them like our grandparents used to.” Granted, Ronald Miller never showed a love of old war planes prior to this, and it was merely a farewell to Cindy before Ronald dumped her so he could date other ‘chicks he didn’t have to pay for,’ which undercuts the scene, but for a minute, when he wistfully looks at those planes, that’s how I feel about Verlander.