Yesterday, Kyle Schwarber was demoted to Triple-A to clear his head. But Joe Buck would’ve cleared it for him! Guess Schwarber is just one less thing for Joe Buck to plug. Joe Buck is now the new Crying Jordan meme. Also, yesterday, Jason Heyward was DL’d. Right now, Joe Maddon is like, “All I need is Ian Happ. And this chair. All I need is Ian Happ, this chair and this remote control. And Tommy La Stella. All I need is Ian Happ, this chair, this remote control and Tommy La Stella. And these Buddy Holly glasses. Happ, chair, remote, La Stella and these glasses! That’s all I need!” I’m sure Schwarber will be back at some point, but, in most mixed leagues, you can move on. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Kris Bryant – 2-for-4, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his 16th homer. If you’re lying in wait, expecting Bryant’s value to stay low all year, you’re going to be left holding the bag, and said bag is the bag that was thrown against Kenneth’s house in Can’t Buy Me Love.
Willson Contreras – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer, and 2nd homer this week. In related news, has Tom Murphy gotten a hit yet?
Addison Russell – 4-for-5, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer, and four homers in the last ten games. Happarently, the Cubs finally got rid of that anchor Schwarber and it’s all coming together.
Ian Happ – 4-for-5, 1 run, 2 RBIs and his 1st steal, and five homers in the last ten games. You just know Happ’s gonna be in this afternoon’s Buy column. It’s my Happ’ening and it’s freakin’ me out!
Jake Arrieta – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 4.36. We’re gonna keep this positive and not focus too much on the fact he only K’d three guys. I just made this negative again, didn’t I?
Adeiny Hechavarria – Marlins are expected to trade him. The Marlins were waiting to announce this until Jeb Bush dropped out of his potential bid to buy the club. Jeb’s favorite player is the boring AF Hechavarria. Jeb’s like Lena Dunham. If there’s one thing Democrats and Republicans can both agree on, Jeb and Dunham are equally terrible.
Matt Chapman – Hit the DL with an infection in his knee. He was prescribed antibiotics and the doctor said, “Maybe you shower once in a while.”
Stephen Vogt – Designated for assignment. Just when you’re hoping something can instill your confidence back in the Vogt.
Bruce Maxwell – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 1 RBI as he takes over for Vogt. Think you should pick up Maxwell? Get Smart!
Jesse Hahn – 2 IP, 9 ER, ERA at 4.66. That was Jesse crashing on pills for fantasy owners and A’s fans, and Hahnukah for the rest of us who didn’t start him.
George Springer – Left the game after being hit on his hand by a pitch. …and a hush fell over the crowd. One strong man, dressed in Zubaz and a tank top, lifted the hush and carried it towards the exit. We need a hush net to stop other hushes from falling on the crowd! Okay, veered off topic there. So, Astros are calling Springer day-to-day with a bruised hand. I’d still like to join in a prayer hexagon, because these things easily take a turn for the far worse.
Jake Marisnick – 1-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 10th homer, hitting .255. If Asterisknick were on a weaker team, he’d be starting every day and would be Schebler. It’ll depend on how long Springer’s out (please not long), but Asterisknick might have a bit of short-term value, since he has four homers in his last seven games, though that’s over about twelve days.
Josh Reddick – 3-for-4, 4 runs and his 7th homer, hitting .294. Reddick’s returned from his concussion hitting as well as he has all year. Fun fact! A Reddick concussion in Thailand is called a “you pass out from sucky.” I should be a cultural attaché.
Marwin Gonzalez – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 13th homer. Similar boat to Asterisknick, the Astros just have too many weapons for Marwin to get everyday playing time. The Astros’ bench — Gattis, Marwin, Asterisknick — is better than the Padres’ team.
Francisco Cervelli – Hit the concussion DL again. Dude’s had like 17 concussions in the last three years. He’s going to start singing Ethel Merman between at-bats he’s so daffy.
Gregory Polanco – 2-for-4 and his 5th homer, which shows you wishes do come true. Unfortunately, wishes are also accompanied by two months of the worst case scenario.
Chase Anderson – 6 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at… Guess. Okay, you don’t need to guess exactly, but within .15. Forget it, I’ll tell you. His ERA is 2.92. “Um, hello, Masahiro Tanaka? Yes, I’ll wait for the translator. Hey, Jimbo Transatlanticon, tell Tanaka his services are no longer needed,” should’ve said every Tanaka owner a month ago.
Travis Shaw – 3-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 14th homer, hitting .298. Mean’s while, Thames was seen in the dugout asking, “When do we face the next team with red jerseys? Phillies coming up?”
Cody Allen – Out on paternity leave. Like Roger Clemens named all his kids with a K, Cody should name all his kids with a high leverage situation. Jameshighleveragesituation, Kevinhighleveragesituation, etc.
Huston Street – Activated from the DL. I have no idea if he’s getting saves this year. I don’t think The Sciosciapath knows. Street, Hernandez, Bedrosian is how I’d put their potential 9th inning guys.
Cameron Maybin – 1-for-3, 3 runs and a slam (6) and legs (22). Did Trout not get injured but take over Maybin’s body in some weird voodoo hijinks? Is Maybin Fred Savage or Judge Reinhold? Did Ghost Trout possess Maybin? I have question, y’all!
Matt Shoemaker – Had an MRI on his forearm. The MRI showed nothing. OH MY GOD WHERE’S HIS ARM?! Oh, it showed nothing wrong with his arm. Got it.
Aaron Judge – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 25th homer, hitting .331. Judge Mollywhopner thinks regression is for fairies.
Luis Severino – 6 IP, 5 ER, ERA up to 3.30. Member those days when there were more than three reliable starters. Ah, yes, the memories.
Jose Abreu – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 13th homer, and 2nd in three games, and hitting near-.330 in June. Swoon.
Todd Frazier – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 12th homer. He’s so overdue he’s going to give birth to an elephant baby-sized home run streak.
Matt Davidson – 3-for-4, 3 runs and his 17th homer, and, like, 19th homer in the last two weeks. Davidson shows up again in this afternoon’s Buy, but, if you weren’t convinced last week when he homered in four straight games, I’m not sure you’re going to be convinced now. I’m losing faith in you, prematurely balding everyman.
Adam Engel – 4-for-5, 2 RBIs, hitting .344 as he fills in for Leury Garcia. The White Sox had made a pact to only use Garcias in center, so I’m disappointed.
Jose Quintana – 6 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 4.69. He had a five-run lead before even taking the mound and he was facing a turkey Turley, so it’s a solid start, but I’d want to see more.
Jaime Garcia – 4 1/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA up to 4.13. The month of May with the 2.45 ERA is a distant memory like phones that flipped open.
Matt Adams – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 13th homer, and six homers in the past ten games, then homered later in the game under the pseudonym Lane Adams. Like Becky with the good hair, I will now call you Matt Adams with the good bod. You deserve good tidings, you non-fat bastard.
Jim Johnson – 1 IP, 2 ER and his 14th save, ERA up to 3.98. Things were moving along for him for the better part of the first two months, but now has a Blown Save and two earned in back-to-back games. He’ll likely stay in the role at least through the trading deadline, but I could see him moved or just demoted after July for Arodys Vizcaino.
Joe Panik – 2-for-4, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his 5th homer. Also, in this game, Buster Posey (3-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs) hit his 10th homer. Panik/Posey sounds like a night out with Bill Cosby. CNN (fake news!) was reporting yesterday Cosby is going to do town halls educating the public on sexual assault (not joking). They should drug him prior, then reenact a scene from Black Mirror. Doing my best Jesse Pinkman, “Jello makes you into a sociopath, yo.”
Zack Godley – 7 IP, 3 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 2.53. This start came in Coors, because Godley is not a human! *screams* They’ve come for us heathens!!! I was sonavabenched by Godley, as I’m sure most were. Sucks, but I’m glad I have him. His peripherals look kinda purdy — 8.2 K/9, 2.7 BB/9, 3.23 xFIP. His speedball doesn’t do much, but he also doesn’t throw it a ton. If he qualified, he would possess the sixth least used fastball, while relying on a curveball 30% of the time. This is good since it’s one of the best curves in baseball. Currently, I own Godley in one mixed league, and would look to invest further as long as he continues to go to the hook.
Paul Goldschmidt – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 18th homer, hitting .335. Au Shizz!
Chris Owings – 1-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 9th homer, hitting .291. My MI positions this year have been held together by duct tape, Odor, Owings and a bunch of elbow grease.
Andrew Moore – 7 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks in his 1st start. I just went over Moore yesterday, the short of it is the Stream-o-Nator likes his next start and it never likes rookie pitchers, so I’m intrigued like an alien meeting a cat.
Robinson Cano – 2-for-4, 6 RBIs and his 12th and 13th homers. Hard to compete when everyone and Yelich’s mother are on pace for 25+ homers, but, without any huge hot streaks, Cano is on pace for his usual 27 HRs, 100 RBIs and .290.
Ian Kinsler – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and a slam (8) and legs (6), and 3rd homer in as many games. Someone flipped the switch in Kinsler. I imagine it was his Jewish mother guilting him. “You know, Ian, there’s a lot of people depending on you. Would it hurt you so much to hit some homers? Before you answer, have some soup.”
Miguel Cabrera – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer, hitting .271. Told you to sell him about a month ago, but I even feel like he can’t be quite this bad. I mean, his sample size of being good is so huge — that’s what she never said!
Asdrubal Cabrera – The Mets might move Asdrubal to 2B when he returns from the DL today, because, if no one is playing shortstop, it will be easier to explain why they’re not calling up Amed Rosario. *removes rubber mallet from toolbox, slams mallet into head*
Curtis Granderson – 2-for-4 and his 9th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. Lowercase yay. You know who’s all but stopped playing due to the Mets being morons? Rhymes with Korforto.
Steven Matz – 6 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners (5 BBs), 8 Ks, ERA at 3.60. Not to be Debbie Downer or Adam Bomb or any Garbage Pail Kid, but five walks in six innings is not good. He’s lucky this wasn’t a 2 IP, 7 ER game.
Justin Turner – 1-for-4 and his 5th homer, and third homer in four games, which joins the entire Dodgers team with homering in every at-bat for the series vs. the Mets. In yesterday’s game, Joc Pederson hit his 5th homer, and Kike Hernandez, no relation to Kinsler, hit his 7th homer.
Jose Bautista – 2-for-4, 1 run and a caught stealing as he hit leadoff again. I legit cackled when I saw he was caught stealing. Bautista is like, “Yo, I’m slow as dog balls but if you got me hitting leadoff, then I am going to turn my leadoff game into an eleven.” Halfway to second during steal, “Damn, how far is this next base?”
Marcus Stroman – 4 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 3.69. Stream-o-Nator said, stay away fools, cause the Rangers rule, on the offense attack. Tin roof rusted.
Carlos Gomez – 3-for-4, 3 runs, 5 RBIs and his 8th and 9th homers, and has three homers in the last two games, and is in this afternoon’s Buy column, and…*panting* I’m out of breath! Grab Gomez now if you need a hot outfield bat. It’s…all…I…have…to….say! *collapses at computer* Cougs, bring me a mint julep! Please! No, I’m not faking! I’m winded, woman! What do you mean from what? From typing!
Mike Napoli – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 14th homer. I gave Napoli a batty call yesterday, and the whole time I thought I was batty calling his moms. I’m a dirty bird!
Robinson Chirinos – 3-for-4, 2 runs and his 9th homer. Drafting a Rangers catcher wasn’t a terrible idea. You just drafted the wrong one.
Carlos Martinez – 6 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.87. Has some of the best stuff in the game, but always seems to make one mistake per game from immaturity. For instance, did you see his hair at the beginning of the season? Are you a Pointer Sister?
Paul DeJong – 1-for-3 and his 4th homer. I was thisclose to streaming DeJong for the batty call, and you don’t get closer than no spaces and italics! In the bigger picture, DeJong has three homers in the past week and, brucely, looks better than Wong looked, plus, Matheny hates Wong. By the way, if Wong and De Jong embrace in the dugout, does Lance Berkman get upset?
Aaron Nola – 7 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 4.32. I love me some Nola, and I point that out to emphasis how cruel you must be in shallow mixed leagues, because I streamed him, thanks to the Stream-o-Nator, and dropped Nola before the game even finished.
Tommy Joseph – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 11th homer. On one hand, he’s on pace for 24 homers. On the other hand, some players already have 24 homers. On a third hand that is actually a glove on Howie Mandel’s head, you can’t throw a stone without hitting a corner man that gives power. Under his eye.
Cam Perkins – 0-for-4 as he leadoff. Cam Perkins? Who the hell? Cam Perkins sounds like an Appalachian gang. “Are they related? They’re more than related! They’re Camper Kins!”
