FBI’s G-Man Raids Chicago For A Fantasy Baseball Investigation

To find my preseason article, I Googled “Kevin Gausman sleeper” and Google asked, “Did you mean 2015, 2016, 2017 or 2018?”  Google can be such a little snitch sometimes.  Yo, Google, mind your own business!  “Did you mean ‘How do I start my own business?’ or ‘How do I start my own business that actually makes money?'”  I hate you, Google!  In the preseason, I said, “In the 2nd half, Gausman was a top 20 starter-ish.  Top 20-ish?  Top-ish?  You get the drift.  In the 2nd half, he had the 16th best K/9 with a 2.8 BB/9.  He had the 21st best ERA with the 23rd best xFIP.  He had the 24th best fastball with the 3rd best splitter.  Or spliiter, if Desiigner is reading.  He averaged the 12th fastest, uh, fastball while throwing it the 12th most in the majors.  Some of these factoids are neither here nor there, but I’m filling in your charcoal sketch.”  And that’s me quoting me!  Yesterday, he went 6 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 10 baserunners (1 BB), 10 Ks, ERA at 3.48, and xFIP down to 3.65, which is the 29th best in the majors, between Hendricks and Newcomb.  And I ranked him 31st for starters in the preseason!  What does this mean?  Nothing really, but cool.  He has carried over that newfound command from the 2nd half and still striking out guys around mid-8 K/9.  Do I love owning an Orioles starter?  Do I look daffy?  But Gausman has been solid.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

James Shields – 7 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.62.  The O’s made Shields look good, ’nuff said.  By the way, if I had a boy, I’d name him, Nuff.  And that kid would be so curt!  “Nuff, can you explain the Revolutionary War?”  “We beat Brits.  Nuff said!”

Dee Gordon – Mariners are saying he’ll only miss ten days with a fractured toe.  Middle infielders are going down like crazy this year.  It is like they all have to take turns while Chase Utley takes them out one by one to stay in the league through attrition — Cano, Gordon, Harrison, Panik, Aledmys, Odor, Seager, LeMahieu, DeJong, Bogaerts, Andrus.  Also, if the M’s didn’t have bad luck, they’d have no luck at all.  In his place, the M’s called up Daniel Vogelbach.  He can also steal 75 bags.  If he has a 79-foot lead.

Trevor Cahill– 7 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 2.75.  His peripherals are actually saying he’s been nearly that good, so I should take the brakes off my Cahill indifference.  Though, if it’s indifference, it’s not the brakes, but more neutral.  Then again, if you’re in neutral on a Cahill, you’d like go down–You know what?  I’m stepping out of this metaphor.  Cahill looks solid, and I can see owning him.

Willy Adames – 1-for-4 with his 1st homer, as he was called up for a few days while Joey Wendle has a baby; don’t ask how a baby kangaroo has a baby.  It’s similar to Russian nesting dolls though.  Why is Wendle so important that one of the Rays top prospects can’t stay on the major league roster?  See the 18,000-page tome, “MLB Teams Are Cheap AF.”

Wilson Ramos – Left with a hand contusion.  Or he has hand confusion and there’s a smudge on your computer screen cutting off the top of the ‘f.’  You’ll never know!

Jake Faria – Left last night’s game with an oblique strain.  Or yesterday’s game was the worst episode of The Strain ever.

Steven Souza – Hit the DL again.  And the band played on without Souza.

Matt Koch – 5 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.77 vs. Jhoulys Chacin – 5 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners (4 BBs), 6 Ks, ERA at 3.32.  Apparently, the Regression Fairies were in Milwaukee for this game, but they couldn’t pull themselves away from the Laverne & Shirley museum.  The future and past is female!

Ryan Braun – Could return from the DL on Thursday if things go smoothly*.  *Things haven’t gone smoothly for him in five years.

Jameson Taillon – 6 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 4.567891011121314–Okay, I’ll stop.  If you’re curious, it wasn’t one of those games where Taillon got roughed up early, then gutted it out.  Oh no!  This is C**nt Hurdle we’re talking about!  Yeah, he was left in a few too many hitters and gave up a grand slam, then stayed in for two more hitters!

Austin Meadows – 1-for-4 and his 2nd homer, hitting .400.  Truly hope the Pirates keep him up after Marte returns, but knowing all I know it is so hard to imagine that.  I’m jaded, y’all!

Scooter Gennett – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 6 RBIs and his 8th homer, hitting .324.  Damn, he’s making a Scooter seem cool, and doing what Rays farmhand, Vespa Jones, could never do.

Matt Harvey – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 5.49.  This is a Catch 22.  Harvey seems like a total ass, but the NY Mess are the worst.  So hard to decide who to root for!

Mookie Betts – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 16th homer, hitting .368.  Wanna see something funny that isn’t funny at all?  Check out how high Betts is on the Player Rater compared to everyone else.  Ha.  He’s like Chuck Yeager and everyone else is Pete Conrad.  Sorry, currently reading The Right Stuff.

Rafael Devers – 1-for-3 and his 9th homer.  Guess what he’s batting?  Go ahead, I’ll wait.  *sits, picks up my Cougar’s pocketbook and rifles through her purse*  Who was she talking to last night?!  Oh, right, Devers, he’s hitting .239.  Bleh.

Gleyber Torres – 2-for-4 and his 7th homer, and 3rd homer in the last two games, hitting .330.  Aaron Boone finally removed Brett Gardner from the leadoff spot.  And put Aaron Hicks (1-for-5, hitting .248) there instead.

Miguel Andujar – 1-for-4 and his 5th homer, hitting .285.  The Yankees top of the lineup is trying to turn it over to get back to the bottom.

Elvis Andrus – Cleared to swing a bat.  Hey now!

Ronald Guzman – 2-for-3 and his 4th homer, and his 2nd homer in as many games.  Hot schmotato alert!

Jurickson Profar – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 3rd homer, hitting .230.  He’s hitting cleanup.  Profar hitting cleanup wouldn’t make sense for any team.  If MLB went through a schoolyard pick ’em to pick through all 750 players, Profar would be in the last 10 guys picked.

Cole Hamels – 7 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.38.  His career has spanned that of Razzball’s history, and, brucely, I’m sick of talking about Hamels.  Can he retire?

Franchy Cordero – 1-for-4 and his 7th homer, hitting .252.  That’s only in 36 games, so that’s good, but Franchy flies have been caught a lot recently.  Guess his luck had to ketchup to him.

Jeremy Hellickson – 5 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.13.  He left the game with a blister because he simply read a news item about Rich Hill.  Damn you, Rich Hill!

Bryce Harper – 2-for-4 and his 15th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games.  He’s one homer off the major league lead and he took about five weeks off from the end of April until this week.

Ozzie Albies – 2-for-4, 3 runs and his 14th homer, hitting .286.  He takes offense to that Betts comment.  Ozzie actually takes offense everywhere, apparently.

Vince Velasquez – 4 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 4.18.  He is the epitome of a pitcher who is in danger of being counted out with a TK’do every time he takes the field.  Velasquez is Mitch Green’s eye.

Marcell Ozuna – 3-for-4 and yet another steal (his 3rd), and he hasn’t stole that many since 2014, and has never stole more than five bags.  Stop stealing bases and start hitting homers!  Does he not know who he is?  Is he broke?  I’m gonna start calling him O’Zune.

Luke Weaver – 7 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 4.31.  You could do worse.  Though, the pessimist would tell you can do better too.

Alex Gordon – 3-for-4 and his 4th homer, hitting .262.  He’s out-slugging Ozuna.  Kill me now.

Trevor Bauer – 6 IP, 0 ER, 9 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.35.  Every one of you should spam other fantasy sites with comments like, “Yo, why didn’t you tell me to draft Bauer as aggressively as Grey Albright, the Fantasy Master Lothario?  And don’t abbreviate it!”

Jose Ramirez – 1-for-2, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 14th homer, hitting .297.  And you were cursing me under your breath for telling you to draft Ramirez in the top 12.  I got a pfft for you somewhere.  One serious scoff!

Tyler Chatwood – 2 2/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 3.74.  He threw six walks.  Must be why he’s known as The Toy Rifle, because of an armful of BBs.

Ian Happ – 1-for-1 and his 8th homer, a pinch-hitter homer.  I can’t even with Maddon.  Are you grooming Happ to be Rusty Staub?!

J.A. Happ – 7 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.97.  The only thing I don’t like about Just Apricot this year is his last name makes me sing that Pharrell song, Happy, which is the worst earworm since Moves Like Jagger.

Kendrys Morales – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer, hitting .178.  It sure isn’t the era of the DH.  Ron Blomberg is rolling over in his grave.  He’s not dead, but he sleeps in soil.

Garrett Richards – 5 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.10.  Richards gave up five runs in the 1st inning, but four were unearned for the heart-stopping ticker shock!  A really unnecessary box scare.

Gerrit Cole – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 1.86.  Of course, he’s not a 1.86 ERA pitcher.  Even Mr. Exposition doesn’t need to inform you of that.

Tony Kemp – 2-for-2, 5 RBIs, hitting .429.  Matt’s little brother has been swinging a hot bat, and I’m not talking about how he’s dating Lil’ Rihanna, Sprite’s claymation Rihanna.  He’s more of SAGNOF play, though.  Think 25+ steal speed.  He’s also platooning with about four guys.

Madison Bumgarner – Threw a sim game.  He’s a total Bella Goth.

Brandon Crawford – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer, hitting .308.  That’s his 2nd home run in the last week, and he’s hitting near-.550 in the last week.  There is no hotter hot schmotato in the land.

Brock Stewart – 4 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 3.72, as he was recalled.  By me.  And the Dodgers.  And the Rockies.  Everyone recalls Brock Stewart!

Yasiel Puig – 1-for-1, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer, and fifth homer in the last seven games.  Quick, get him out of your lineup, Dave Roberts!

Ian Desmond – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer, hitting .180, which is about sixty points off where his average should be.  Your Buy Low Window will not last forever.  You have been advised, Nick Capozzi.

Jeimer Candelario – Ready for his rehab assignment.  First step, make amends to your fantasy owners for abandoning them.

Matt Boyd – Left yesterday’s game with an oblique spasm.  I’m just going to make the portmanteau, O’Boydlique, and leave it at that.

Derek Dietrich – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 4th homer, hitting over .300 in the last week.  I’d say schmotato, but you just know Don Mattingly’s going to bench him today for no reason.

Caleb Smith – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.83.  Let me let you in on a little secret.  The Stream-o-Nator loves home starts, and hates rookies.  So, if it’s an away start and a rookie, as it was for Caleb, and SON still likes it, it means the other team is awful.  Good stuff, Metropolitans!

Jose Bautista –  1-for-3, 1 run as he signed with the Mets, as Bautista takes the casino bus to another stop.  It should be, “Signed, Mets:  We Don’t Care.”   Basically, Bautista is everything that is wrong with the Mets.  They’ve now signed Jason Vargas, Jose Reyes, A-Gon, Tood Frazier, Jay Bruce and now Bautista, while cutting playing time out of Wilmer Flores, Nimmo, Amed, Conforto and Gsellman at different times.  They are operating like a small market team — they’re in NEW YORK!   Granted, Flushing, which is a signifier of something else entirely, but still.  The Mets have gone from a few years ago blaming fans for their losses — there’s not enough of you in the stands to root for us!  They’ve received money from MLB to stay afloat, after Madoff, and now it looks like Madoff is running some Ponzi scheme from his jail cell signing players.  The Mets even tried to put a casino on their grounds.  Maybe they still will after they sign Jacoby Ellsbury!  Through all of that, they’re only 3 games out of 1st in the NL East, while they actively try to sabotage their team!

This would only be good if the Mets also traded for Rougned Odor and they beat the crap out of each other during each game. https://t.co/Icy6Yxm9Mw

— Razzball (@Razzball) May 22, 2018