The album I released called Father’s Day has an intro as its first song, here it is, “This is dedicated to all those dads out there that stood by their responsibilities and raised your seed. Unless you would’ve been a terrible father, then it’s better if you shirked your responsibilities and hightailed it out of there. Something that’s rarely mentioned about absentee fathers, if you would’ve been a crap father, then it’s best if you weren’t around. The best thing some fathers could give their kids is not being there. This is dedicated to all the fathers that left. This is for all the dads that would’ve been so bads. All the pops that drank nonstops. You’re often forgotten, but we appreciate your fatherhood was misbegotten” Any hoo! Yesterday, Julio Teheran went 6 IP, 0 ER, 0 hits, 3 walks, 11 Ks, lowering his ERA to 3.97, as he was activated from the DL. He didn’t go on a rehab assignment. Well, technically, he didn’t but he returned to face the Padres, so same diff. Teheran’s peripherals are a mess like the father who abandoned us who we now appreciate, so Teheran was money on Sunday, but don’t expect child support (this is so hashtag woke). Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:
Mike Foltynewicz – Hit the DL for his tricepasaurus. He’s eligible to return next Saturday, which is what he will do because I’m relying on him. I am a fantasy parasite. Feed me!
Carlos Carrasco – Hit the DL with an elbow contusion. On Saturday, he got roughed up early (1 1/3 IP, 4 ER), then removed after Joe Mauer shot one back into Carrasco’s arm. Was especially devastating for Carrasco because he just watched Vaxxed.
Shane Bieber – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 11 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.97, as he was recalled. Depending on when Carrasco returns, Bieber could stay in the rotation for a few more turns. Here’s my previous Shane Bieber fantasy. It was written on a bathroom wall in horseradish sauce at a Arby’s. At least I hope that was horsey sauce.
Jake Odorizzi – 5 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.38. As he’s been his entire career, he’s still great in home games. Unfortunately, his home is in Tampa.
Marcus Semien – 1-for-5 and his 7th homer, and 2nd homer in two days. Semien’s starting to heat up, and not like that time you stood too close to the microwave.
Andrew Heaney – 8 IP, 3 ER, 4 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.64. Heaney’s ERA on waivers is 1.75; his ERA on your team is 7.50. How do I know? Oh, I just do.
Blake Parker – 1/3 IP, 2 ER, and the blown save, ERA at 3.18. I get Parker didn’t start the inning off in All-Star fashion, but if he’s your closer, at least give him a chance to right the ship. The 2nd run was inherited because one game The Sciosciapath brings Parker into the 7th and then this game it’s the ninth and he’s pulled after three batters.
Luis Castillo – 5 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 5.77. Not to get all Biblical and illuminati on you, but his name anagrams to: All I Is, Locust. We would’ve made an Exodus sooner on him if we were Dan Brown.
Scott Schebler – 1-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 9th homer, hitting .281. I like Schebler more than most ‘perts, but him batting leadoff and Winker not even in the lineup is so straight goofy — stroofy?
Joe Musgrove – 4 1/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 3.68. Catatonic Self, “Joe Musgrove…Joe Musgrove…Joe Must go…” Thank you, Catatonic Self. Kidding aside, Musgrove’s peripherals aren’t terrible, and he’s about a 3.75 ERA pitcher so this isn’t that surprising. On a related note, I feel like the Reds have done more damage against my teams than any other team, but the stats don’t exactly back that up. The Reds are not supposed to be very good.
Gregory Polanco – 3-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer, and his first hit since April 12th. Not exactly, but feels that way.
Colin Moran – 1-for-4 and his 7th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. Hot schmotato alert!
Evan Longoria – Out for 6-8 weeks as he will undergo hand surgery. This could severely hinder Longoria’s aspirations of playing Thing in the next remake of The Addams Family.
Patrick Corbin – 6 IP, 5 ER, ERA up to 3.48. Eff you, Regression Fairies.
Jeurys Familia – 1 IP, 1 ER as he was activated on Sunday, and used in the 8th. Paul Lo Duca said he’s happy to see Familia back, he’s the heart and soul of the Mets. Then everyone associated with the Mets said, “Who gives an eff what Lo Duca thinks?” Familia will likely be used in the ninth more times than not, but, well, who really knows what goes on with bullpens?
Brandon Nimmo – 3-for-5, 2 runs and his 10th homer, hitting .274, and 2nd homer in four games. One of the few bright spots on the Mets, but, when your team goes out and gets Todd Frazier and Jay Bruce on purpose, the bar for bright spots isn’t high.
Steven Matz – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.31. Yes, the entire Mets organization’s womb is polluted, but Matz’s ERA is better than Corbin, to name just one guy whose name is stuck in my craw.
Trevor Richards – 3 1/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 5.45. You in time lapse, “I don’t know much about this Richards guy, but he’s got two solid starts this week….Yes, he pitched great in his first start of the week, now just one more start to go and it’s against the Orioles…I AM JOHN HURT IN ALIEN AND MY ULCER IS BURSTING OUT OF MY STOMACH!!!”
Justin Bour – 2-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 11th and 12th homer, hitting .240. *looking at Carlos Santana’s stats vs. Justin Bour* I think I need to sit down. *sees I’m sitting in a chair with Carlos Santana’s face* Maybe I stand. *sees Carlos Santana standing in the corner of the room like the mom in Hereditary* AHH!!! If you haven’t see Hereditary yet, you should go see it. I slept with the lights on last night. Shizz was scary AF.
Wade LeBlanc – 7 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 2 hits, zero walks, 9 Ks, ERA at 2.63. This start came against the Sawx. Zoinks! We need to dig in on him *looks at his player page* Well, that’s a joke. His fastball is down to 86 MPH, he is literally throwing all the same pitches, but his BABIP is .266 and his LOB% is 88%. I mean, c’mon, I wouldn’t even let LeBlanc pitch if I had a capable chimpanzee.
Jackie Bradley Jr. – 1-for-3 and his 4th homer, hitting .080 in the last week. Which has been a hot week for him.
Rafael Devers – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 11th homer, hitting .239. He’s been showing more signs of life recently, multiple hits in three of his last four games, two homers in the last week. For Cubs fans reading, Rafael’s gone from Stinker to Devers to Chance of something.
Eduardo Rodriguez – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 3.59. In the last ten starts, he’s gone deeper than six innings once, but he hasn’t given up more than three runs since May 5th, when he gave up five, but it was Cinco de Mayo, so, I mean, c’mon, give him that.
Teoscar Hernandez – 3-for-4 and his 12th homer, hitting .268. He’s homered me into submission. I no longer even consider dropping him because he just homers again in a few games. You win, Teoscar. *tosses jersey, Teoscar opens it to see, “Fantasy Master Lothario, Real Squad Members Don’t Abbreviate.”* Welcome to the squad, Teoscar.
Randal Grichuk – 3-for-3, 4 RBIs and a double slam (6, 7) and legs (2), hitting .196. He’s a lousy one, Mr. Grichuk, but maybe Mr. Grichuk is a hot schmotato.
Yangervis Solarte – 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 15th homer, and 3rd homer in three games. Look at your 2nd baseman, now look at what Yangervis is doing. Oopsie.
Michael Taylor – 3-for-4, 2 runs and 4 steals (18, 19, 20, 21). He’s doing what you wanted from Billy Hamilton — not playing every day, not hitting much of anything, stealing literally everything in sight.
Carlos Martinez – 5 IP, 3 ER, 13 baserunners (6 BBs), 5 Ks, ERA at 2.73. I like how what appears obvious to the entire world is being sloughed off like it’s nothing to the Cardinals. The entire world, “Um, C-Mart doesn’t seem right because, ya know, he’s throwing 98% of pitches outside the strike zone since he returned from the DL.” The Cardinals, “C-Mart looked pretty good on Saturday.”
Zach Eflin – 5 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.43. Was absolutely cruising through the Brewers’ lineup, but pulled from the game after 73 pitches, because Gabe Kapler hit the bowl of green M&M’s too hard.
Maikel Franco – 2-for-3, 4 RBIs and his 9th homer, hitting .247. I just had a wild idea. Maikel gets traded to the Giants for Strickland, so Strickland can close games for the Phils, then Strickland is used in the 4th inning, because Kapler is trying to shorten the games, but really it just makes them longer because then he has no one for the 7th, 8th or 9th, after using Dominguez in the 5th and 6th. Oh, but we can call him, Maikel Francisco.
Odubel Herrera – 3-for-4, 3 runs and his 9th homer, and 2nd homer this weekend. ODB is hot like Mariah!
Rhys Hoskins – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 10th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games, and 3rd in four games. Praise Rhyus!
Rhys Hoskins needs to break his face more often.
— Razzball (@Razzball) June 16, 2018
Eric Thames – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 8th and 9th homer, hitting .244. Hard to get crazy excited about Thames or Aguilar (also homered, his 13th), because the Brewers are crowded at 1B and left field, but Thames is the type to hit a bunch of homers in a short period of time.
Chase Anderson – 5 1/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 4.54. From start to start, he went from fire emoji to fire-hot diarrhea.
Nicholas Castellanos – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer, and his 3rd homer in the last two days. I mailed a letter to P.O. Box Detroit Tigers, addressed to Nick(holas) Castellanos, The Greek God of Hard Contact. It read like this, “Mr. Castellanos, before going to bat, take a sip of a La Croix — pamplemousse, peach-apricot, really any of them except coconut — so this way you hiccup and/or burp right as you swing, which will jerk your swing into an uppercut motion.” I’m not saying he read that and followed my advice, but, yes, he did.
Jorge Soler – Likely out for a while with a fractured toe, but don’t worry the Royals went into their bag of “Hey, this guy was a fun prospect at some point in the last half decade” and called up Adalberto Mondesi, who you might remember as Raul Mondesi Jr.. Crazy Father’s Day for the Royals, they lost a ‘sun’ and called up one who no longer wants to be named after his father. Adalberto and Nelson Cruz (who dropped the Jr. at some point) should start a We Got A Bastard Father Anonymous Club. Mondesi has 70-steal speed, but .185-average ability, so grab him if you’re desperate for speed in deep leagues.
Danny Duffy – 6 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 5.55. I found this interesting (it’s not intersesting), and maybe you will too (you won’t). The Orioles are a terrible pitching staff, this is well known. According to the stats, the Royals are much worse. Told you interesting (not in the least).
Whit Merrifield – Left the game after fouling a day off his knee. He seemed to be in great pain, but really we’ll never know another man’s pain. Except the pain of a standup comedian at an open mic night. That pain is pretty clear.
Brad Keller – 6 IP, 3 ER, 12 baserunners, 1 K, ERA at 2.63. He’s a Rule 5 guy. Rules 1 thru 5 are, “Don’t talk about Rule 5 guys.”
Hunter Dozier – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer. True story, Brian Dozier took a dookie and it floated into a radioactive sewer and turned into Hunter Dozier. He is Brian Dozier’s dookie. Let that sink in. Psyche! It can’t, because it’s a floater!
Matt Duffy – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs, hitting .318. Duffy has been hot, dating back into the middle of last week. I’m sure he will wake up at some point and realize this season is all a dream.
Aaron Hicks – 2-for-5 and his 8th homer, hitting .243, 2nd homer this week, but hitting near-.150 in that time. He was filling in for a beat-up Gardner. That sounds like an ICE situation in a sanctuary city. Topical!
CC Sabathia – 7 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 11 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 3.30. Resist the urge to look at Corbin’s ERA vs. Sabathia’s. Resist, Grey, resist. Dot dot dot. Ugh! I can’t!
Luis Severino – 8 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 2.09. The Rays had multiple opportunities to score in this game. They received 12 opportunities, exactly. The twelve pitches Chasen Shreve threw between Severino and Chapman.
Jurickson Profar – 2-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 8th homer, hitting .243. Yes, much better than he’s ever been. I *pinkie to mouth* Profar this Jurickson. However, eight homers and .243 is good?
Trevor Story – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 15th homer, hitting .270. I know you hate when I get scientific, but Trevor Story has been near a top 15 player overall on the year, according to our Fantasy Baseball Player Rater.
Jon Gray – 5 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 5.89. Jon Gray went in to see a doctor about his sleeping disorder. “Do you have trouble falling asleep?” “No.” “Then what is the problem?” “Right before I’m ready to wake up, I shit the bed.”