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Someone should start a class action lawsuit against the fantasy baseball ‘perts who told you to draft Liam Hendriks (1/3 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 4.61) in the top 25 overall. Almost as bad as the ones who were drafting Emmanuel Clase in the first four rounds, even if he did get yesterday’s win. It’s inexcusable. For shame! Andres Gimenez (2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer) started the Chi City meltdown in the 9th, homering off of Banks — can’t take that to you — and then Josh Naylor H.A.M. got on a roll. He should change his name to Josh, Naylor. Not as in his last name is Josh and it’s on an official government document, but as in “Gosh, Naylor.” I barely know her, but now we’re making eyes and I’m intrigued. Josh Naylor went 3-for-5, 8 RBIs and his 3rd and 4th homer, hitting .338, one of which was a grand salami of Hendriks, who I can imagine might’ve had some choice words afterwards — afterwords? Josh Naylor H.A.M. has been hot for a bit, but these were first homers in May. He’s a big-time power and hit-tool guy who has never clicked, maybe, pause for effect, until now. He could be Cleveland’s answer to Ty France. Call him Josh Ohio. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Yoan Moncada – 1-for-4, 1 run as he was activated from the IL. Kevin from ESPN’s Get Him In Your Lineup Department said, “Sunday was Mother’s Day, celebrating the first person to ever get us in a ‘lineup,’ so to speak.”
A.J. Pollock – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 1st homer. According to this Pollock, this was his first Opening Day homer. Don’t tell him.
Gavin Sheets – 1-for-2, 3 RBIs and his 2nd homer. To quote the White Sox announcer, “Are you Sheets’ing me?”
Michael Kopech – 6 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 0.93. This isn’t even close to how good Kopech can be. We might not see it until next year when he becomes this year’s Cease.
Nestor Cortes – 7 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 4 BBs, 11 Ks, ERA at 1.41. Nasty Nes in your area about to cause mass hysteria! Have you heard Rangers’ manager Steve Winwood called Yankee Stadium a Little League park? He said it when Gleyber Torres hit a game-winning homer on Sunday. Truly hilarious when you think about in that game his team was held to one run, and yesterday they were shut out by Cortes. Rangers might consider bringing Little League heroes, Todd Frazier and Danny Almonte, out of retirement to get their $500 million offense going. You really have to have brain worms to think it makes any sense insulting the park you’re in as super-tiny when your team can’t score runs. Any hoo! Nasty Nes fastball plays up, according to Andrew McCutchen:
Nestor Cortes’ fastball plays up. Meaning his 91-94 actually feels like 97. Mix that with him messing with a hitters timing, throwing from diff arm angles, and locating well, he can be very difficult to hit. He showed that today
— Andrew McCutchen (@TheCUTCH22) May 9, 2022
Guess you could say Nasty Nes’ fastball gets to the plate in Halftime. He’s an ace when guys are trying to get on base. When he attack, there ain’t an army that could strike back. To roster him, the league doesn’t need to be deep like my breath; Nasty Nes never sleeps, cause sleep is the cousin of fantasy death. Beyond the Little League walls in the House Across The Street From The House Babe Ruth Built, life is defined. I think not rostering Nestor Cortes is a crime, when I’m in a New York state of mind.
Clay Holmes – 2/3 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 0.61, and his 4th win. I never, never, never mention middle relievers, who are doing well in the roundups, but Roland Garros Wigwam is now on four of my teams, and I’m starting him over starters in weekly leagues. Also, check out where Clay Holmes is on the Player Rater. He’s above Trea Turner.
Edward Olivares – Hit the IL with a right quad strain. He’s got a bad case of Gamelitis. The WebMD page says, “The injury that happens right when a young player gets playing time and has the ability to breakout. Coined by a rather handsome fantasy baseball expert named Grey Albright five years ago about Mat Gamel.” Geez, I’m gonna have to check the WebMD page for ‘intense blushing.’
Tyler Wells – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.75. I was thisclose to streaming him. If only I were playing fantasy horseshoes. Streamonator doesn’t like his next start, and I agree.
Frank Schwindel – 0-for-3 as he was recalled from the minors, after being sent down roughly eight hours ago. Schwindel barely had time to do a load of laundry.
Kyle Hendricks – 8 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.38. Ah, I see, Hendricks and Hendriks did a Freaky Friday switcheroo. Excuse me, Frearicky Friday.
Ranger Suarez – 6 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.68. Every pitcher should get one weekly start vs. the Mariners to boost their stats. It’s only fair.
Jean Segura – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 4th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. Pretty sure he’s rostered in all leagues, but, if not, go get your Jeans on, Neil Diamond.
Chris Flexen – 5 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 4.24. Weird Flexen to turn my stream on myself.
Carlos Rodon – 6 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 12 Ks, ERA at 1.80. The crazy thing is as good as his ERA has been, he’s kinda been better.
Mauricio Dubon – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 2nd homer, and 2nd homer in two games, and has moved up to the two-hole. Deuces are wild, wrapped up like an odor in the middle of the night.
Luis Castillo – 4 2/3 IP, 3 ER, as he was activated from the IL. He wasn’t commanding anything in the minors; he had a shoulder issue in March; this is you: *whistling* Oh, hello, leagumate, I was wondering if you wanted to trade me anything for Luis Castillo. Oh, yes, I hate to lose him, but if I must I must. Yes, I’ll take a closer for Castillo, thank you.
Brandon Drury – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 6th homer, and 2nd homer in three games and 18th homer in the last week. No one is more hot schmotatoey than the guy whose last name you don’t want to pronounce during a routine DUI stop.
Colin Moran – 1-for-5 and his 3rd homer, and 3rd homer in two games, and, okay, I lied slightly, Drury is King Hot Schmotato in the Land of Schmotatoes, but Moran is Prince Schmotato of Schmotatoville.
Kyle Farmer – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 1st homer. Maybe Kyle could become a catcher so I can call him Kyle Framer.
Brandon Woodruff – 4 1/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 5.97. You have to–No, no, sit down for this. It’s important you hear it. Okay, you listening? You have to draft a top starter. Have to. Sorry, it’s the rules.
Omar Narvaez – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 2nd homer. I mention Never Nervous Narvaez on today’s podcast, comparing him favorably to Adley Rutschman.
Jack Suwinski – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. He’s become the Pirates’ right fielder of late. He’s a Pirates special: Hitting well-enough in the minors, but not good enough to suppress his playing time, so they promoted him. He looks like a 15-homer, .260 hitter with no speed, and you thought the Pirates could never replace Colin Moran!
Michael Perez – 1-for-4 and his 2nd homer, and 2nd homer in two games, and, no, I can’t recommend him.
Jose Quintana – 6 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners (4 BBs), 5 Ks, ERA at 2.70. He’s easily the best starter I have on my Tout Wars team. That used to be an indictment of my team’s pitching, but now it’s just because Quintana’s been solid. I do wonder if there’s not something here for less deep leagues because if the balls are dead, then his biggest issue — home runs allowed — is less of an issue and he’s in a great park, well…I think I’ve been in the monkey cage too long and no longer can smell my own shizz. Streamonator hates his next start, and it’s back in Wrigley, his old stomping ground where he’d get rekt.
Ryan Pepiot – Dodgers promoted to the taxi squad with an eye on him starting today. Pitchius Piot has no command and is a terrible judge of character. Pitchius Piot, my man, leave Jesus Sanchez alone, bro. Prospect Itch just gave you his Prospect Stash List and Pepiot was on there (with a lot of other names you should be stashing, hence the list’s name). I wouldn’t mess with Pepiot yet outside of NL-Only leagues, though.
Paul Blackburn – 6 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 1.74. Besides Blackburn sounding like a shady land deal, it’s time to look closer at him. *done looking* Is it me or are there more command-heavy pitchers this year? Did they bring back Spider Tack, but in an undetectable form? Prolly nothing more than 7.5 K/9 pitcher, but if he keeps his excellent command (0.9 K/9), it’ll work. Streamonator hates his next start, but I’d start him.
Tony Kemp – 1-for-4 and his 1st homer. Elias Sport Bureau said Tony Kemp is the first guy to homer who weighs less than a baseball.
Dany Jimenez – 1 IP, 0 ER, 3 Ks, ERA at 0.00, and the save. Lou Trivino was Wally Pipp’d by Covid.
Joey Wentz – Tigers are promoting him to face the A’s today, and he might stay around for a little bit. This is me looking at Wentz’s minor league numbers, “Wow, he really Wentz sideways.”
Akil Baddoo – Optioned to Triple-A. Akil’s down Baddoo.
Michael Pineda – 6 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.43. Are there any unusable pitchers? A thoughtful question posed to the Greek chorus.
Manuel Margot – 2-for-3 and his 4th and 5th steal, but left with hamstring discomfort. If I had 50 Cent every time Margot got hot then injured, I’d have a lookalike replacement.
Shohei Ohtani – 3-for-4, 3 runs, 5 RBIs and his 5th and 6th homer. Okay, but he didn’t also pitch a 15-K shutout, so kinda boring night for Ohtani.
Jared Walsh – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 6th homer, hitting .260. Excuse me for getting excited about the least exciting part of the Angels’ evening, but Walsh homered off a lefty. It’s starting!
Mike Trout – 2-for-3, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his 7th homer, hitting .319. *sounding out his name* Tr…ow…t? Anyone ever hear of this guy before?
Dylan Floro – Activated from the IL and will be installed in the closer role. Or the 6th inning. Depending on how crackers Mattingly is. My guess is he’s only 85% crackers, which means Floro will be the closer by this time next week. Will see on the accuracy of my crackers-meter.
Elieser Hernandez – 5 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 6.37. Elieser Hernandez is a seat filler for Max Meyer.
Garrett Cooper – 1-for-4 and his 2nd homer. He’s a seat filler for literally anyone.
Ketel Marte – 2-for-4 and his 2nd homer. He’s hitting .217?! His strikeouts are out of control; he’s hitting no line drives; has he been inhabited by a wet noodle that’s taken over his arms? Yo, you’re not even Ketel Al-dente.
Jack Flaherty – Will throw a bullpen session today or tomorrow. Cards said there’s no timetable for him, but I have one for you. He’ll be in minor league games after his bullpen session, then he’ll throw in three starts there, and get to about four innings each start, then he’ll be activated seemingly unprepared, then he will get lit-up in his first MLB start, and the Cards will announce he needs to be shutdown for another three months. So, he’s a month away from being three months away.
