Yesterday, Jose Berrios went 7 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 11 Ks, bringing his two-game ERA to 0.59. Hi ho the Berrios, snitches! Here’s what I said previously on Jose Berrios (because this is instructive, and not out of laziness), “In Triple-A, Berrios threw 75 2/3 IP and had a 2.62 ERA with a 9.9 K/9 and a 1.7 BB/9. That’s Sizzlean that you leave on top of your camel’s head as you gallop through the Sahara heat. You don’t usually see that kind of sample size — that’s what she said! — in Triple-A. You know why? Most major league teams promote guys who are as good as Berrios. Most teams also don’t tie a player’s paycheck to a string then drag said check right in front of the player’s feet, just out of their reach.” And that’s me quoting me! Here’s the kicker. That was from two years ago! I’ve loved this guy for a long time — that’s not what she said! His first two games I’d describe as ‘a little difficult’ to pretty easy. His next start at Baltimore will be the true test. If you’re in a competitive league, you need to own him now before he goes out and throws a gem in Balty-more (they call it that, right?). Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Ervin Santana – 7 IP, 5 ER, 10 baserunners (4 BBs), 3 Ks, up to 2.07. Now two terrible games since I told you to sell him, 11 earned runs in his last 20 IP pitched. The Regression Fairies are just batting him around like a bunch of kittens with a dead gerbil. A dead gerbil they got out of Richard Gere’s can.
Trevor Story – Cleared for a rehab assignment at Triple-A Albuquerque. No relation to Al.
Nolan Arenado – 2-for-6, 2 runs and his 10th homer. I’ve finally collated all the cocktail napkins I’ve collected from every Marriott in the entire world, now I will place them by this open window– NOOOO!!! Arenado!!!
Josh Bell – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer, and his 4th homer in the last six games. The Pirates aren’t good. This is only news to the Comatose Pirates Fan. “With Polanco, Taillon, Glasnow, Marte and McCutchen, we can walk away with this thing. What? Why is everyone looking at me funny? I was in a coma for two months, what’s happened? Someone tell me!” Finding bright spots here is like looking for ones at a Roberto Kelly family reunion. So, what on this green Earth that Al Gore masturbates to is C**nt Hurdle doing subbing Bell out every game? Are you really playing matchups with your best hitter? You need to double switch just to make yourself feel smart? Guess what, doode, it is backfiring. You look like a moron. You don’t switch out your cleanup hitter?! Hurdle is been playing John Jaso Jingleheimer Schmidt (1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer, hitting .165) for the last two years like that’s a thing. A guy who hits like Bell (GIF to follow), should not be subbed out, especially when he’s the one player your fans have to look forward to. As for fantasy, he’ll be in this afternoon’s Buy column, but you don’t need to wait for that.
Tyler Glasnow – 5 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners (3 BBs), 6 Ks, ERA at 7.34. That ERA is pretty sad, but this being his best game, and he gave up two more unearned runs, is sad in its own right.
Adam Frazier – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 4th double to go with his one homer and zero steals on the year. Damn, I’m throwing shade like Fonzworth Bentley. Nah, Frazier’s not the next Trout, but he is hitting .347, and could be a hot schmotato.
Tanner Roark – 5 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 4.73. For what it’s Werth, I told everyone in the preseason to avoid Roark. Mr. Roark will not fulfill your fantasies.
Daniel Murphy – 2-for-4 and his 7th homer, hitting .320. Since we’re there with Roark, I told everyone to avoid Murphy too, but I can spin that too, if you like. In May, he’s hitting .250. Okay, maybe I’m not a spin doctor, but little Grey can’t be wrong.
Joely Rodriguez – 2/3 IP, 7 ER. So, when did the Philly manager suspect it wasn’t Rodriguez’s day? “You get eight out of 10 out, you’re an ace!” *takes a moment* “Oh, he let eight out of 10 on, yeah, let’s take him out.”
Tommy Joseph – and his 6th homer, and 4th homer in the last eight games. Okay, need a quick reminder of why I loved him this preseason? He is a 30-homer hitter. I’ve heard all about Bob Hoskins’ kid, Rhys, but Joseph is in the majors and hitting for power.
Maikel Franco – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer, hitting .216. He was about as overdue as my Goonies Blockbuster video rental.
Ryan Rua – 2-for-2, 3 RBIs and his 3rd homer. My dog, Ted, is watching Cupcake Wars on The Food Network over my left shoulder, so it’s a good time to point out RBIs is not the number of Ron Ben-Israel’s.
Martin Perez – 7 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.71. Without looking it up (crack analysis!), I’m going to say this was Perez’s best strikeout game ever.
Amir Garrett – 4 IP, 6 ER as Muslim Mrs. Garrett was recalled from the minors, bumping Cloris Leachman from the rotation. Super psyched to see Muslim Mrs. Garrett return to pitch in Wrigley rather than his originally scheduled home game vs. the crappy-on-the-road Rockies this weekend. Super, super psyched. Is the sarcasm coming through?
Zack Cozart – 2-for-5, 1 RBI. Was about to put him in the Buy column for later today when I saw he was owned in 70% of leagues. Generally surprised and impressed by that. Guess a guy still hitting .352 three weeks into May isn’t as unknown as I thought. Go figure.
Javier Baez – 3-for-3, 2 runs, 5 RBIs and his 6th homer, hitting .248, as he hits in front of the pitcher. Hey, I love Ian Happ (2-for-4, 1 run) as much as the next guy, but if the Cubs are really thinking about sending him down (which I’m not convinced of anymore), do you really bat Happ cleanup? Hard to argue with the results, and not simply because you’d look like a loon arguing with something amorphous.
Jordan Montgomery – 5 IP, 5 ER, ERA up to 4.81. I’m going to leave my Pepsi right here on the counter of this remote dungeon in Kazakhstan, could someone watch it? Thanks! *five hours later* Why is that guy calling an eBay seller about my kidney? AHHHHHH!!! Roofie!!!
Mike Moustakas – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 10th homer. Moistasskiss!
Danny Duffy – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 2.97. Solid bounce back from Duffy, and he’ll likely go 6 IP, 4 ER next time out, then a 7 IP, 2 ER game, then…Well, you get the picture. He’s a 3.50 ERA give or take about .25.
J.D. Martinez – 1-for-1, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 5th homer, hitting .500. All Just Dong does is just dong. Seriously. You can look it up (don’t look it up).
Victor Martinez – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer, and 2nd homer in the last three games, hitting .270. Apparently, it’s much easier for Victor Martinez to picture his vision board from the on-deck circle when there’s another Martinez hitting in front of him.
Manny Machado – Sat out yesterday with a sore index finger. Took him a few minutes to get across to a trainer what the problem was. Trainer, “What’s the problem?” Machado held up his index finger. Trainer, “Okay, I’ll wait a minute.”
Adam Jones – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 6th homer, hitting .273. Mr. Jones hit this home run in honor of the passing of Chris Cornell, who was not in the Counting Crows, but who I used to think was in the Counting Crows. Thanks, Mr. Jones. Grey is my favorite color.
Chris Davis – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer, hitting .267. It’s always fun (if you own him) to see how long a guy like this stays hot. He has five homers in the last five games, and I bet he gets to 13 homers overall before he cools.
Seth Smith – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer. The Lisper’s Nightmare put a charge into that one, screaming, “To the Thethelleth!” Though, no one knows why someone with a lisp would scream out “To the Seychelles.” Was that what he was saying?
Dylan Bundy – 6 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 2.97. About ten days ago, I told you to sell him. Can’t make this stuff up. Well, I could, but you can check it pretty easily.
Doug Fister – Signed with the Angels. About time he found his way home, no better place for Fister/Pujols than The Big A.
Khris Davis – 2-for-3 and his 12th homer. Oh boy, Khris/Chris Davis are both hot at the same time. I don’t know if the world can handle this. It’s like when Armageddon came out and then Deep Impact. The audience can stay engaged with just so many Khris/Chris Davises.
Jed Lowrie – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer, hitting .272. Someone tell my brain to stop thinking about how Lowrie is doing better than Odor. Make it stop!
Mitch Moreland – 1-for-3 and his 3rd homer, hitting .254. I’m glad he homered on a short schedule day, because in one league where I have him he’s been getting benched on the reg.
Justin Bour – 2-for-3 and his 9th homer. To-Jo, Bell, Bour, my corner infidel cup runneth over.
Christian Yelich – 1-for-3 and his 6th homer, taking Ryu deep. Yelich hit that homer extra hard because just seeing Ryu gets him so mad. “Ryu old enough? Ryu old enough? How about you shove it, mister?!”
Edinson Volquez – 5 1/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 4.95, as he was activated from the DL. Wait, that was his last start when he was activated. Oh well, I had a one-in-three chance of being right about a pitcher being activated.
Yasiel Puig – 1-for-2, 2 runs and his 8th homer. When Puig lets one fly!
Justin Turner – Left yesterday’s game with a hamstring injury. Note to self: forget afternoon sell on Turner, BABIP doesn’t matter if he’s hurt.
Kenta Maeda – Will make a rehab start today, which is utterly insane. He’s not even hurt. This is like when you lie so much you forget the truth. The Dodgers don’t even know who’s hurt or healthy anymore.
Eric Sogard – 4-for-4, 3 RBIs, hitting .588 with two homers, and two four-hit games in the last week. *drum roll, Commissioner Rob Manfred opens envelope* NL MVP…Eric Sogard! Damn, preseason favorite. Yeah, I don’t know where it’s coming from, but I’m pretty sure it won’t continue since he’s a .240 hitter in 1200 major league at-bats.
Hunter Renfroe – 1-for-4 and his 8th homer. For those keeping track, Renfroe’s homered twice this week on two short schedule days. That’s two for two on batty calls. Might be the start of a relationship if he starts Eskimo kissing my nipples.
Brad Miller – Hit the DL with a lower abdominal strain. Here’s how the conversation with Miller went with the Rays’ organization. “Sorry to hear you’re injured.” “I’m not injured.” “Yes, you are.” “But–” Fingers to Miller’s lips, “Shh, don’t speak.” The Rays’ GM is Dianne Wiest, by the way.
James Paxton – Threw a bullpen session and he told everyone it went “great.” Hopefully that’s the quote and he’s not putting quotes around great to say it wasn’t great.
Mitch Haniger – Ready for his rehab assignment, and should be ready to return next Tuesday, i.e., Mitch Please (Feat. Xzibit & Nate Dogg).
Sam Gaviglio – 5 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 2 Ks. Sammy “The Bull” Gaviglio had a 4.4 K/9 in Triple-A, so I’d wait until he goes into Witness Protection and comes back as Klayton Cershaw.
Jarrod Dyson – 2-for-4, 3 runs, and a slam (2) and a double legs (11, 12). Damn, when did Denny’s start serving chicken?
Todd Frazier – 2-for-4, and his 4th homer. Maybe he’s finally coming out of his funk that has him toeing the Mendoza Line. *sees ROS projections that have Frazier batting .230* Well, relatively out of the funk. Pseudo-funk. The P-funk, so to speak.
Tim Anderson – 3-for-4, 2 runs and his 4th homer, and 2nd homer in three games, hitting near-.550 in the last week. Howdy doodie to you, hot schmotato!
Freddie Freeman – Fractured left wrist and out for two months. Oofa, that’s about the worst news you could get. You had a small heart attack yesterday after walking in on your wife sleeping with your father-in-law. That news is not as bad. Honestly, there’s no sugarcoating this news. You have to DL him, and play matchups for two months. Hopefully, your league is shallow enough that you can find some decent week to week replacements. The Braves signed James Loney as a replacement. Here’s hoping your choices are better.
Julio Teheran – 3 IP, 9 ER, ERA at 5.47. Pro tip, Teheran: After you get a warning for throwing at someone, throw at another person to get kicked out. It’ll save your ERA. By the way, I told you to sell Teheran when his era was sub-3.
Marcus Stroman – 5 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.00, and he pitchslapped Teheran. Yeah, I’m not done with Julio. Teheran took that so massively on the chin that, as he was walking off the field, they should’ve played Bombs Over Baghdad.
Kendrys Morales – 4-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs. Does anyone inspire less excitement than Kendrys? I mean, Descalso, Adeiny, et al (not the Israeli airline) are not good, but Kendrys is okay, just so boring.