Yesterday, Jose Berrios went 7 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 11 Ks, bringing his two-game ERA to 0.59. ¬†Hi ho the Berrios, snitches! ¬†Here’s what I said previously on Jose Berrios (because this is instructive, and not out of laziness), “In Triple-A, Berrios¬†threw 75 2/3 IP and had a 2.62 ERA with a 9.9 K/9 and a 1.7 BB/9. ¬†That‚Äôs Sizzlean that you leave on top of your camel‚Äôs head as you gallop through the¬†Sahara heat. ¬†You don‚Äôt usually see that kind of sample size ‚ÄĒ that‚Äôs what she said! ‚ÄĒ in Triple-A. ¬†You know why? ¬†Most major league teams promote guys who are as good as Berrios. ¬†Most teams also don‚Äôt tie a player‚Äôs paycheck to a string then drag said check right in front of the player‚Äôs feet, just out of their reach.” ¬†And that’s me quoting me! ¬†Here’s the kicker. ¬†That was from two years ago! ¬†I’ve loved this guy for a long time — that’s not what she said! ¬†His first two games I’d describe as ‘a little difficult’ to pretty easy. ¬†His next start at Baltimore will be the true test. ¬†If you’re in a competitive league, you need to own him now before he goes out and throws a gem in Balty-more (they call it that, right?). ¬†Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Ervin Santana – 7 IP, 5 ER, 10 baserunners (4 BBs), 3 Ks,¬†up to 2.07. ¬†Now two terrible games since I told you to sell him,¬†11 earned runs in his last 20 IP pitched. ¬†The Regression Fairies are just batting him around like a bunch of kittens¬†with a dead gerbil. ¬†A dead gerbil¬†they got out of Richard Gere’s can.
Trevor Story – Cleared for a rehab assignment at¬†Triple-A Albuquerque. ¬†No relation to Al.
Nolan Arenado – 2-for-6, 2¬†runs and his 10th homer. ¬†I’ve finally collated all the cocktail napkins I’ve collected from every Marriott in the entire world, now I will place them by this open window– NOOOO!!! ¬†Arenado!!!
Josh Bell – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer, and his 4th homer in the last six games. ¬†The Pirates aren’t good. ¬†This is only news to the Comatose Pirates Fan. ¬†“With Polanco, Taillon, Glasnow, Marte and McCutchen, we can walk away with this thing. ¬†What? ¬†Why is everyone looking at me funny? ¬†I was in a coma for two months, what’s happened? ¬†Someone tell me!” ¬†Finding bright spots here is like looking for ones at a Roberto Kelly family reunion. ¬†So, what on this green Earth that Al Gore masturbates to is C**nt Hurdle doing subbing Bell¬†out every game? ¬†Are you really playing matchups with your best hitter? ¬†You need to double switch just to make yourself feel smart? ¬†Guess what, doode, it is backfiring. ¬†You look like a moron. ¬†You don’t switch out your cleanup hitter?! ¬†Hurdle¬†is been playing John Jaso Jingleheimer Schmidt (1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer, hitting .165) for the last two years like that’s a thing. ¬†A guy who hits like Bell (GIF¬†to follow), should not be subbed out, especially when he’s the one player your fans have to look forward to. ¬†As for fantasy,¬†he’ll be in this afternoon’s Buy column, but you don’t need to wait for that.
Tyler Glasnow – 5 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners (3 BBs), 6 Ks, ERA at 7.34. ¬†That ERA is pretty sad, but this being¬†his best game, and he gave up two more unearned runs, is sad in its own right.
Adam Frazier – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 4th double to go with his one homer and zero steals on the year. ¬†Damn, I’m throwing shade like Fonzworth Bentley. ¬†Nah, Frazier’s not the next Trout, but he is hitting .347, and could be a hot schmotato.
Tanner Roark – 5 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 4.73. ¬†For what it’s Werth, I told everyone in the preseason to avoid Roark. ¬†Mr. Roark will not fulfill your fantasies.
Daniel Murphy – 2-for-4 and his 7th homer, hitting .320. ¬†Since we’re there with Roark, I told everyone to avoid Murphy too, but I can spin that too, if you like. ¬†In May, he’s hitting .250. ¬†Okay, maybe I’m not a spin doctor, but little Grey can’t be wrong.
Joely Rodriguez – 2/3 IP, 7 ER. ¬†So, when did the Philly manager suspect it wasn’t Rodriguez’s day? ¬†“You get eight¬†out of 10 out, you’re an ace!” ¬†*takes a moment* ¬†“Oh, he let eight¬†out of 10 on, yeah, let’s take him out.”
Tommy Joseph – and his 6th homer, and 4th¬†homer in the last eight games. ¬†Okay, need a quick reminder of why I loved him this preseason? ¬†He is a 30-homer hitter. ¬†I’ve heard all about Bob Hoskins’ kid, Rhys, but Joseph is in the majors and hitting for power.
Maikel Franco – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer, hitting .216. ¬†He was about as overdue as my Goonies Blockbuster video rental.
Ryan Rua – 2-for-2, 3 RBIs and his 3rd homer. ¬†My dog, Ted,¬†is watching Cupcake Wars on The Food Network over my left shoulder, so it’s a good time to point out RBIs is not the number of Ron Ben-Israel’s.
Martin Perez – 7 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.71. ¬†Without looking it up (crack analysis!), I’m going to say this was Perez’s best strikeout game ever.
Amir Garrett – 4 IP, 6 ER as Muslim Mrs. Garrett was recalled from the minors, bumping Cloris Leachman from the rotation. ¬†Super psyched to see Muslim Mrs. Garrett return to pitch in Wrigley rather than his originally scheduled home game vs. the crappy-on-the-road Rockies this weekend. ¬†Super, super psyched. ¬†Is the sarcasm coming through?
Zack Cozart – 2-for-5, 1 RBI. ¬†Was about to put him in the Buy column for later today when I saw he was owned in 70% of leagues. ¬†Generally surprised and impressed by that. ¬†Guess a guy still hitting .352 three weeks into May isn’t as unknown as I thought. ¬†Go figure.
Javier Baez – 3-for-3, 2 runs, 5 RBIs and his 6th homer, hitting .248, as he hits in front of the pitcher. ¬†Hey, I love Ian Happ (2-for-4, 1 run) as much as the next guy, but if the Cubs are really thinking about sending him down (which I’m not convinced of anymore), do you really bat Happ cleanup? ¬†Hard to argue with the results, and not simply because you’d look like a loon arguing with something amorphous.
Jordan Montgomery – 5 IP, 5 ER, ERA¬†up to 4.81. ¬†I’m going to leave my Pepsi right here on the counter of this remote dungeon in Kazakhstan, could someone watch it? ¬†Thanks! ¬†*five hours later* ¬†Why is that guy calling an eBay seller about my kidney? ¬†AHHHHHH!!! ¬†Roofie!!!
Mike Moustakas – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 10th homer. ¬†Moistasskiss!
Danny Duffy – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 2.97. ¬†Solid bounce¬†back from Duffy, and he’ll likely go 6 IP, 4 ER next time out, then a 7 IP, 2 ER game, then…Well, you get the picture. ¬†He’s a 3.50 ERA give or take about .25.
J.D. Martinez – 1-for-1, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 5th homer, hitting .500. ¬†All Just Dong does is just dong. ¬†Seriously. ¬†You can look it up (don’t look it up).
Victor Martinez – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer, and 2nd homer in the last three games, hitting .270. ¬†Apparently, it’s much easier for Victor Martinez to picture his vision board from the on-deck circle when there’s another Martinez hitting in front of him.
Manny Machado – Sat out yesterday with a sore index finger. ¬†Took him a few minutes to get across to a trainer what the problem was. ¬†Trainer, “What’s the problem?” ¬†Machado held up his index finger. ¬†Trainer, “Okay, I’ll wait a minute.”
Adam Jones – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 6th homer, hitting .273. ¬†Mr. Jones hit this home run in honor of the passing of Chris Cornell, who was not in the Counting Crows, but who I used to think was in the Counting Crows. ¬†Thanks, Mr. Jones. ¬†Grey is my favorite color.
Chris Davis – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer, hitting .267. ¬†It’s always fun (if you own him) to see how long a guy like this stays hot. ¬†He has five homers in the last five games, and I bet he gets to 13 homers overall before he cools.
Seth Smith – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer. ¬†The Lisper’s Nightmare put a charge into that one, screaming, “To the Thethelleth!” ¬†Though, no one knows why someone with a lisp would scream out “To the Seychelles.” ¬†Was that what he was saying?
Dylan Bundy – 6 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 2.97. ¬†About ten days ago, I told you to sell him. ¬†Can’t make this stuff up. ¬†Well, I¬†could, but you can check it pretty easily.
Khris Davis – 2-for-3 and his 12th homer. ¬†Oh boy, Khris/Chris Davis are both hot at the same time. ¬†I don’t know if the world can handle this. ¬†It’s like when Armageddon came out and then Deep Impact. ¬† The audience can stay engaged with just so many Khris/Chris Davises.
Jed Lowrie – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer, hitting .272. ¬†Someone tell my brain to stop thinking about how Lowrie is doing better than Odor. ¬†Make it stop!
Mitch Moreland – 1-for-3 and his 3rd homer, hitting .254. ¬†I’m glad he homered on a short schedule day, because in one league where I have him he’s been getting benched on the reg.
Justin Bour – 2-for-3 and his 9th homer. ¬†To-Jo, Bell, Bour, my corner infidel cup runneth over.
Christian Yelich – 1-for-3 and his 6th homer, taking Ryu deep. ¬†Yelich hit that homer extra hard because just seeing Ryu gets him so mad. ¬†“Ryu old enough? ¬†Ryu old enough? ¬†How about you shove it, mister?!”
Edinson Volquez – 5 1/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 4.95, as he was activated from the DL. ¬†Wait, that was his last start when¬†he was activated. ¬†Oh well, I had a one-in-three chance of being right about a pitcher being activated.
Yasiel Puig – 1-for-2, 2 runs and his 8th homer. ¬†When Puig lets one fly!
Justin Turner – Left yesterday’s game with a hamstring injury. ¬†Note to self: ¬†forget afternoon sell on Turner, BABIP doesn’t matter if he’s hurt.
Kenta Maeda – Will make a rehab start today, which is utterly insane. ¬†He’s not even hurt. ¬†This is like when you lie so much you forget the truth. ¬†The Dodgers don’t even know who’s hurt or healthy anymore.
Eric Sogard – 4-for-4, 3 RBIs, hitting .588 with two homers, and two four-hit games in the last week. *drum roll, Commissioner Rob Manfred opens envelope* ¬†NL MVP…Eric Sogard! ¬†Damn, preseason favorite. ¬†Yeah, I don’t know where it’s coming from, but I’m pretty sure it won’t continue since he’s a .240 hitter in 1200 major league at-bats.
Hunter Renfroe – 1-for-4 and his 8th homer. ¬†For those keeping track, Renfroe’s homered twice this week on two short schedule days. ¬†That’s two for two on batty calls. ¬†Might be the start of a relationship if he starts¬†Eskimo kissing my nipples.
Brad Miller – Hit the DL with a lower abdominal strain. ¬†Here’s how the conversation with Miller went with the Rays’ organization. ¬†“Sorry to hear you’re injured.” ¬†“I’m not injured.” ¬†“Yes, you are.” ¬†“But–” ¬†Fingers to Miller’s lips, “Shh, don’t speak.” ¬†The Rays’ GM is Dianne Wiest, by the way.
James Paxton – Threw a bullpen session and he¬†told everyone¬†it went “great.” ¬†Hopefully that’s the quote and he’s not putting quotes around great to say¬†it wasn’t great.
Mitch Haniger – Ready for his rehab assignment, and should be ready to return next Tuesday, i.e., Mitch¬†Please (Feat. Xzibit & Nate Dogg).
Sam Gaviglio – 5 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 2 Ks. ¬†Sammy “The Bull” Gaviglio had a 4.4 K/9 in Triple-A, so I’d wait until he goes into Witness Protection and comes back as Klayton Cershaw.
Jarrod Dyson – 2-for-4, 3 runs, and a slam (2) and a double legs (11, 12). ¬†Damn, when did Denny’s start serving chicken?
Todd Frazier – 2-for-4, and his 4th homer. ¬†Maybe he’s finally coming out of his funk that has him toeing the Mendoza Line. ¬†*sees ROS projections that have Frazier batting .230* ¬†Well, relatively out of the funk. ¬†Pseudo-funk. ¬†The P-funk, so to speak.
Tim Anderson – 3-for-4, 2 runs and his 4th homer, and 2nd homer in three games, hitting near-.550 in the last week. ¬†Howdy doodie to you, hot schmotato!
Freddie Freeman – Fractured left wrist and out for two months. ¬†Oofa, that’s about the worst news you could get. ¬†You had a small heart attack yesterday after walking in on your wife sleeping with your father-in-law. ¬†That news is not as bad. ¬†Honestly, there’s no sugarcoating this news. ¬†You have to DL him, and play matchups for two months. ¬†Hopefully, your league is shallow enough that you can find some decent week¬†to week¬†replacements. ¬†The Braves signed James Loney as a replacement. ¬†Here’s hoping your choices are better.
Julio Teheran – 3 IP, 9 ER, ERA at 5.47. ¬†Pro tip, Teheran: ¬†After you get a warning for throwing at someone, throw at another person to get kicked out. ¬†It’ll save your ERA. ¬†By the way, I told you to sell Teheran¬†when his era was sub-3.
Marcus Stroman – 5 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.00, and he pitchslapped Teheran. ¬†Yeah, I’m not done with Julio. ¬†Teheran took that so massively on the chin that, as he was walking off the field, they should’ve played Bombs Over Baghdad.
Kendrys Morales – 4-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs. ¬†Does anyone inspire less excitement than Kendrys? ¬†I mean, Descalso, Adeiny, et al (not the Israeli airline) are not good, but Kendrys is okay, just so boring.