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In a deep Scottish accent, the Twins’ Triple-A manager said, “You’re comin’ up tae join th’ club, Joe Ryan. Ur ye excited?”
Joe Ryan paused, then asked, “What are you saying?”
“Aam Sean Connery an’ aam daein’ a Scottish accent. Ur ye excited, certainly, Jack Ryan?”
He scratched his head, then, “Huh? Oh. My name’s Joe Ryan.”

So, Joe Ryan was called up to start on Wednesday, and I settled in to watch. He was one of the pieces the Rays sent to the Twins for Nelson Cruz. Since the Rays sent him away, I expect he’ll spontaneously combust during his next start or suddenly lose command of his pitches and return in 2022 as a middle infielder in Rookie Ball. If that doesn’t happen, we should all be super interested. I’m intrigued, y’all! Yesterday, Joe Ryan went 5 IP, 3 ER, 4 baserunners, 5 Ks, and looked much better those numbers. Outside of one inning in the 3rd when he ran up against the red-hot Schwingdel, he looked like every great command pitcher, who can also induce strikeouts. Prospect Itch said of Ryan, “I have high hopes for Joe Ryan, another dynasty trade target if you can get a decent price. His 30+ K-BB percentage across three levels in 2019 was pretty loud, but some of the clamor might’ve died down since Ryan was kept under training site wraps for all of 2020. His best trait is a true-spin four-seamer he can command across the zone, and that’s a great base from which to build an arsenal in today’s game. Tampa’s coaches have praised Ryan for his aptitude for new pitches and approaches, particularly his feel for spin. I get giddy just thinking about him and punching Grey.” Okay, not cool! Ryan continued to carve up hitters in Triple-A this year while maintaining elite command. This is potentially as good a prospect arm call-up as we’re getting the rest of the year. I added him in a few deeper leagues. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Kenta Maeda – Had Tommy John surgery and he’s going with an internal brace, which I don’t understand literally at all, but people who do know are saying it could mean he’s back in 9-12 months vs. 12-16 months. Interesting. Seriously. I’m being sincere! Ugh, I can’t even tell, but I am.

Frank Schwindel – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 8th homer, and 3rd homer in the last three games, and, like, his 3,900th homer in the last five days. “Call me Frank Swing Del Schmotato.” Okay, Frank, take it easy. He’ll obviously be in tomorrow’s Buy column, which is already available on the Patreon.

Justin Steele – 5 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 3 walks, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.48. After Empire Strikes Back, Han Solo was Justin Steele. Okay, it was carbonite, you nerd! His peripherals: 10.2 K/9 (yum), 4.7 BB/9 (uhhh), 5.26 FIP (wait, these are supposed to get better not worse). Steele has swing-and-miss-and-miss-and-miss-and-miss stuff, unable to find the car handle through the window (totally a saying!). Streamonator won’t ever like him, if I had to guess, and I could see some truly scary starts from him, but if you need upside, here ya are.

Adalberto Mondesi – 2-for-5, 2 runs and a slam (5) and legs (2), as he was activated from the IL, and the Royals are saying he will play some third base. Anyone know anything about this guy? Looking at the scouting report for him and it looks like he has speed, but I can’t find any video on him. It says file not found.

Yu Chang – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer and his 4th homer in the last five games. Who’s the hottest schmotato? Enter the Yu Chang.

Khris DavisA’s purchased Davis’s contract because Oakland’s last game saw 4,000 fans in the stands, so one more can’t hurt.

Starling Marte – 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 10th homer. Yo, Starling’s having the best non-steroided 32-year-old season ever or what? Wait a second, he was suspended in 2017. Dot dot dot. Hmm. Dot dot dot.

Akil Baddoo – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 11th homer. Yabba Dabba Baddoo!

Harold Castro – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer. Meh, not much here, unless it’s revealed this is Willi Castro with a name change.

Paul Goldschmidt – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 23rd and 24th homer. Au Pair Shizz!

Harrison Bader – 3-for-6 and his 10th homer. When him and Carlson are in a race to get to 15 homers, I can’t yawn loudly nor obnoxiously enough. Hit some freakin’ ding dongs! These guys point to the outfield not to call their home run shots, but to point out how well the grass grows underneath their feet. Let’s go!

Nolan Arenado – 2-for-6, 2 runs, and his 27th homer. I found a very rare Bazooka Joe comic where he says the F word. Sotheby’s says it’s worth a “f*ck ton,” so I’m going to carelessly put it by this open window–NOOOOOO!!! Torenado!

Miles Mikolas – 3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 4.41 vs. Wade Miley – 4 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 2.97. Bad week to quit barbiturates and to ignore the Streamonator.

J.A. Happ – 1 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 6.20. Finally, the Cards’ devil magic has turned into the abracadacrapper. Enjoy that regression, Just Awful Crapp.

Nick Castellanos – 4-for-7, 4 runs, 6 RBIs and his 25th and 26th homer, hitting .319. The Greek God of Hard Contact hits homers for the warm embrace of his mother, Nia Vardalos.

Eugenio Suarez – 3-for-5, 2 runs and his 24th homer, hitting .174. It is still so funny to me Dumb Bell had him as his leadoff hitter.

Kyle Farmer – 2-for-6, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 13th homer, and his 2nd homer in the last two days (three games), hitting .258. What’s Farmer out in the field planting? Hot schmotatoes!

Touki Toussaint – Will start today. On one hand, I’m kicking myself in my family breadbasket to toast the dinner rolls because I dropped him. On the other hand, the start will be in Coors. On a third hand that is Hamburger Helper, Drew Smyly’s been bumped from the rotation.

Max Muncy – 2-for-4 and his 30th homer. Cheapest 30-homer to draft every year. Like clockwork. Not A Clockwork Orange, that’s after they drew a minute and second hand in suntan lotion on Justin Turner.

Eddie Rosario – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer. Kinda crazy how many weapons the Braves have and they’re missing Acuña and the woke mob took away their tomahawks.

Yairo Munoz – Tested positive and he’s the Sawx’s 9th player who has Covid. Hey, didn’t MLB used to cancel games due to an outbreak or did I dream that up after falling asleep to the movie Contagion?

Adam Ottavino – 1 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 3.40, and his 11th save. He’s having a better closer year than some guys who have been the closer all year, and Ottavino just got the gig about a week ago.

Wander Franco – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer, which was off of Chris Sale (6 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 2.53), and I’m gonna be ungodly high on Wander next year.

Johnny Cueto – Hit the IL with an elbow strain. Jason LaRue’s making a fake crying face.

Lorenzo Cain – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 3  RBIs and a slam (7) and double legs (10, 11), and his 2nd homer in two games. Saw he homered the other day and didn’t bother mentioning it because I didn’t think anyone in their right mind would pick him up, but what’s left of your right mind is anyone that’s hitting is worthwhile this time of year.

Brett Anderson – 2 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 4.18, but left after taking a Brandon Crawford liner off his shoulder. Yo, they got pitcher-seeking missiles up in Northern California. Please chill.

Gerrit Cole – 7 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 15 Ks, ERA at 2.73. The Spider Tack narrative seems all but dead. I was worried in the preseason. Cole put those concerns to sleep like he did to Ohtani (3 Ks), Gosselin (4 Ks), well, everyone but David Fletcher and Jo Adell struck out for the Angels. No, I won’t be in on Cole next year, but his ability to throw innings (relative to the league) has to have him above deGrom, right?

Aroldis Chapman – 1 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 3.68, and a 1-2-3 inning for his 25th save. So, now he’s just totally fine? I’m so confused how this guy goes from lights-out to flashing neon lights telling you to stop to good night/God bless.

Marcus Semien – 1-for-3 and a slam (33) and legs (14). He’s gonna be on so many fantasy champions this year. One of my biggest regrets in the preseason was not splooging on Semien–Splurging! I meant splurging!

Steven Matz – 5 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners (4 BBs), 5 Ks, ERA at 3.80  vs. Matt Harvey – 4 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 6.28. This matchup was two former Mets who were able to reminiscent about recent Mets’ stories and say, “Sounds like nothing’s changed.”

Lucas Giolito – Will miss his next scheduled start. The White Sox said he’ll return on “Does he have to return this year or can we just start him in Game 1 of the playoffs?”

Gavin Sheets – 2-for-3, 4 RBIs and his 7th and 8th homer. NY Post headline if New York was in Chicago: Holy Sheets! A two-homer night goes a long way to a hot schmotato, but he doesn’t even play every day, so kinda Gavin him the benefit of the doubt.

Carlos Rodon – 5 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.41, in 77 pitches. Love Rodon, but even old school managers like Lol Russa and Dusty are limiting their starters.

Logan Gilbert – 5 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 5.14. Ugh, was so close to streaming Gilbert, but I got cold feet. Should’ve bought some freakin’ socks and streamed him! Streamonator hates his next, and I agree. Ugh, stupid cold feet.

Jake Odorizzi – 5 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.32. Ya know what’s kinda wild, Mariners are legit playoffs contender and also a team I’d stream anyone against.

Leody Taveras – 2-for-5, 1 run, 2 RBIs and his 7th steal, and third in two games, as he’s already moved up to the leadoff slot. You can wait until he cools off, but that’s not exactly ideal fantasy baseball gameplay.

Brendan Rodgers – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 11th homer. Feel kinda similar about Rodgers as I said about Bader. All good, Cousin Sweatpants, but hit more than 15 homers in a season.

Kyle Freeland – Left after one inning with a left hip impingement. That there, the impingement, that’s one of the worst after-dinner mints.

Joe Barlow – 2/3 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 1.96 and his 1st blown save. SAGNOF’d upside your head!

Luke Weaver – 6 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 4.11 as he was activated from the IL. The Padres completely disappear some days (weeks). I have no explanation for it. Weaver being great isn’t the explanation.

Josh VanMeter – 1-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 5th homer. Every time I think he’s getting hot he turns into Jean Van Meh.

Trent Grisham – 3-for-4 and his 14th homer. Solid season (for someone drafted around 200th overall, and not in the top 70). Grisham did some good stuff (not this year or if your definition of ‘good stuff’ is very flawed).

Wil Myers – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 16th homer. He’s been better than Grisham. Don’t twist my meaning. Not saying Myers has been good, but he has been better than Grisham on the Player Rater.

Yu Darvish – 2 2/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 4.05. In the one league where I drafted a high starter (not intentionally, I had Yu down for $25 and the room let me have him at $24), everyone praised me getting Darvish, and, wow, he’s so broke. Like what even. Guess it could be “Spider Tack, Spider Tack, does whatever Spider Tack does.” Maybe he’s hurt; maybe age has finally caught up to him. But, yeah, I have no faith in him anymore. By the way, anyone who says anything great about A.J. Preller feel free to laugh at them.