Jo-Fer Is A National Security Risk

In order to be competitive, the Marlins would need All-Stars at every position all farmed from their minor league system.  Sorta like what the Cubs have managed to do.  Not impossible, but that’s what it would take for the Marlins because they are cheap AF.  By the way, AF is my favorite acronym.  Props to whoever first started using it.  Feels like it started on Twitter because of the character limit.  Keeps shizz short and simple AF, kinda like me (short and simple).  Any the hoo!  I was saying the Marlins need to be precise AF (I’m overusing it now) with their minor league system like they were with Jose Fernandez.  He’s AF as AF comes.  His nickname should no longer be Jo-Fer but AF.  Or maybe AF-Fer.  Nah, that looks like a trade union.  A-Fer?  That looks like algebra.  Fernandez should own Abercrombie & Fitch he’s so AF.  Yesterday, Jose Fernandez went 8 IP, 0 ER, 3 hits, zero walks and 12 Ks.  He has 253 Ks in 182 1/3 innings.  Seriously, digest that for a second.  WTF AF?!  Of course, I wish the Marlins would shut him down until 2017, but I have no chance of owning him next year.  Not that I don’t love him.  He’s the best pitcher in the game if I’m building a dynasty league.  Yeah, I said it.  I want him over Kershaw.  Kershaw has been durable up until this year, but all pitchers are durable up until the point when they’re not.  At one point, Jake Peavy was durable AF, too.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Giancarlo Stanton – 1-for-2 and his 27th homer.  23 more to go!  C’mon, ya gotta believe, Tug McGraw!

Bryce Harper – 0-for-4, hitting .240.  Tom Verducci said Harper is still dealing with shoulder discomfort.  Verducci said it was from Harper throwing 35 innings more than his previous season.

Tanner Roark – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.70.  Sadly, he ran up against the Jo-Fer buzzsaw.  Sawbuzz?  Sawdust?  I am the least tool-using man you will ever find.  No scout would ever say I was toolsy.

Wilmer Flores – Received a 2nd cortisone shot.  He took it like a man.  A man that just found out his mom threw away his baseball card collection.

Jacob deGrom – Will have season-ending surgery  Don’t worry, Mets fans, you have Tim Tebow.  Obviously, not that he would replace deGrom, but he has a special relationship with the Lord and can pray deGrom back to health for next year.

Robert Gsellman – 5 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.13.  The Mets might be the only team whose Triple-A minor league pitchers in the PCL have a tougher environment than their major league division.

Julio Teheran – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 1 K, ERA at 3.10.  Better enjoy your last two starts, Teheran, before Trump builds a wall around you!

Adonis Garcia – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 14th homer, hitting .273.  He’s like the Latin David Freese.  I will call him Adonis Frio.  Frio has been cold (hehe) recently, but might be starting up his schmotato.

Ender Inciarte – 3-for-4, 2 runs, hitting .297.  I dropped him last week in one league because I needed power, but Ender is still hitting near-.360 in the 2nd half, and getting runs (which I kinda need too, but you gotta pick your poisons — hmm, I think I’ll try arsenic).

Ian Kinsler – Sat out with concussion-like symptoms.  His mother spent twenty minutes with his doctor until finally the doctor said, “No, chicken soup will not help.”

Victor Martinez – Out with a swollen knee.  Gotta go easy on the salt, V-Mart, you’re getting older now.  This was brought to you by Nu-Salt, your number one salt substitute that I want to advertise on our podcast.

Nick Castellanos – Still has discomfort in his hand.  Sounds like he’s going to be shut down.  Castellanos, we’ll always have April and May when I kept pointing out you were a sleeper of mine vs. June and July when I stopped talking about it.

Matt Boyd – 8 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.16.  Apparently, you should’ve trusted him.  He had a 3 2/3 IP, 7 ER game last time out against the same team (Twins).  So, you could’ve started him yesterday, but it would’ve been coin flip.  Look at me assuaging you.  I’m a mothereffing assuager!

Miguel Cabrera – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 34th homer, hitting .310.  He’s great, love Miggy, but he didn’t solve the case of JonBenet Ramsey, did he?!  Needed CBS for that!

Miguel Sano – Remained sidelined.  Twins are so stacked they had Kurt Suzuki at DH.  It’s not great when Madison Bumgarner would be an improvement on your DH.

Robbie Grossman – 1-for-3 and his 11th homer, and went 4-for-4 in his previous game.  I’m not going to flatter myself by pretending I can convince you to pick up a guy who is synonymous with vomit.  Literally.

Eddie Rosario – Shut down with a thumb fracture.  His doctor originally thought Rosario was imitating the Fonz, but the “Ayyyyyyy….” was followed by wailing.

Nomar Mazara – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 20th homer, and 2nd day in a row with a homer.  Hot schmotato alert!

Carlos Gomez – 3-for-5, 2 runs, hitting near-.350 in the last week with four homers in the last ten games.  Don’t worry, I won’t let you draft him next year, no matter what he does these final two weeks, but that doesn’t mean you can’t grab him now.

Jon Lester – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.36.  Still, only the Cubs’ 2nd best starter.  Get in line behind Hendricks!

David Ortiz – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 36th homer.  I know it feels like you’ve made your bed.  You’ve accepted gifts and you’re not trying to Favre up your legacy, but you can’t retire when you have 36 HRs and a .318 average.  You just can’t.  Not even saying this as a fanboy.  I’m saying this as someone with common sense.

Jackie Bradley Jr. – 2-for-4 and his 26th homer.  “How much power has there been this season?” you ask with those sad eyes.  So much power Jackie Bradley Jr. has 26 homers and he hasn’t been hot in three months.

Eduardo Rodriguez – 6 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.84.  Stream-o-Nator is just above sea level on his next start, and I could see it going either way, which means I don’t fully trust him.

Kevin Gausman – 6 1/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA up to 3.57.  When the season ends, I’m gonna have Gausman and Taijuan Walker stay after to explain to me why I should draft them next year.

Chris Davis – 1-for-4 as he batted 2nd, hitting .221.  Member the days when managers moved struggling hitters down in the order?  Seems like such a simpler time.  The Ghost of Earl Weaver be like, “Whaaaaa?”

James Shields – 5 1/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 5.98.  His last starts are going to decide if he gets a piece of history with a full season of starts and a 6.00+ ERA.  If you click on Shields’ name, you’ll see past articles where I laid out how rare it is.  Clickbait or just too lazy to copy and paste it myself?  You make the call!

Odubel Herrera – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and a slam (15) and double legs (23, 24), hitting .288.  ODB is on waivers in my RCL, which makes no sense to me, and, by this time tomorrow I could have him.  C’mon, lucky 10th waiver claim!  He homered two days in a row, is hitting near-.500 in the last week and ODB is hot like fire.

Jeanmar Gomez – 2/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 4.03, as he limps to the finish line like Mary Decker.  In Jeanmar’s defense, MLB Players’ Union should strike until managers agree to not use closers in non-save situations.  Phils’ manager, Pete Macktheknife says he might change closers.  I think Pete might be thinking we’re in June.  I guess if you’re as desperate as the Phils, you can grab Hector Neris.

Roman Quinn – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 2nd steal.  SAGNOF is as SAGNOF does.

Michael Pineda – 5 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 11 Ks, ERA at 4.89.  “I told you so!”  Oh, shut up, Stream-o-Nator.

Gary Sanchez – 1-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 17th homer.  This was his 3rd straight game with a homer.  Somewhere, Kevin Maas is looking up from a plate of twice-stuffed potato skins, smiling.  Until a Bennigan’s customer screams, “Are you going to give me those potato skins, you smiling idiot?!”

Mark Teixeira – 1-for-4 and his 13th homer, hitting .198.  Big Papi, Mr. Ortiz, if I may, do you see Teixeira’s year?  This is when you retire.

Drew Smyly – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 4.86.  I nearly streamed him, but I don’t have enough starts left on the team where I can stream, so I dropped him minutes before the game.  See, I went a little too streamer crazy in August.  Well, enough about me!  What do you think of me?

Alex Wood – Was activated and moved to the bullpen.  In a corresponding move, the Dodgers designated for assignment Bud Norris.  Chuck Norris can’t even with Bud.

Johnny Cueto – 5 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 10 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.79, but left the game with a left groin strain that could end his season.  His right groin said, “This whole time I thought I was the left groin.  Stupid mirror reflection!”

Eduardo Nunez – 2-for-4 and his 16th homer, after being moved to the leadoff slot two days ago, hitting over.350 in the last week.  Nunez has been a bit disappointing on the Giants, but he’s come alive recently, rising like the legend of the phoenix, we’re up all night to get lucky, Daft Punk.

Brandon Belt – 2-for-4 and his 16th homer.  16 homers in 2o16 is 9 homers in 2015.  Cust kayin’.

Sergio Romo – 1 IP, 0 ER and his 1st save.  Hey, look at that!  Bochy finally figured out who his 2nd best reliever is.  It only took a week, but who’s counting (besides me)?  If you need saves, Romo could run with the job, for the next ten days.  Okay, so more like a 5K than full on marathon.

Jedd Gyorko – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 27th homer.  Not a misprint.  This isn’t even print.  It’s all ones and zeros.

Randal Grichuk – 3-for-4, 4 runs, 1 RBI.  *holding index card to head*  Corey Dickerson last year in Coors.  *turns index card over*  What Grichuk would do if he was a Rockie.  That’s my Carnac impersonation.

Charlie Blackmon – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 28th homer.  Um, power is so out of control this year, Chazz Noir is a 17-homer hitter.  Our Commissioner Manfred, take the Capri Sun juice straw out of the baseballs!

Sean Manaea – 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.03, but he’s much better at home, because he’s a mediaOAKer, and he’s home again in his next start.  Plus, he’s Samoan, and it’s not the time of year he needs to be selling Girl Scout cookies, so he can focus on baseball.

Joe Musgrove – 5 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.42.  Do you think he heard ‘Where?’ a lot after he told people his name?  “You must go…where?  Tell me!”

Paul Goldschmidt – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 21st homer.  Au Shizz!  Only six more homers to match Gyorko.

Adam Rosales – 1-for-2, 4 RBIs and his 11th homer, and 2nd homer in the last three games.  Okay, schmotato, but I’d have to be desperate to be slumming it with a Padres hitter.

Hisashi Iwakuma – 3 1/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 4.04.  Something that no one besides me seems to be talking about, but the Dodgers vetoed a deal for Hisashi due to an injury, then the Mariners re-signed him (or resigned, as the case may be here).  What is wrong with Hisashi?  This sounds like a young adult novel.

Edwin Encarnacion – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 42nd homer.  Also, in this game, Russell Martin (1-for-4, 2 RBIs) hit his 20th homer, Michael Saunders (1-for-4, 2 RBIs) hit his 24th homer, and Josh Donaldson (1-for-4, 2 runs) hit his 35th homer.  Sometime during the 7th inning when the game was out of reach, the Jays removed a bunch of their hitters.  At the same time, Dwayne Murphy walked out of the stadium.  Suddenly, he stopped limping, chuckled to himself and *poof* was gone.

Ryan Braun – Out on paternity leave.  The wife is having a baby boy.  I know that because Braun registered the baby at Affliction and Ed Hardy for kids.

Starling Marte – Went through a full workout yesterday.  As I said on the podcast yesterday, Marte could return, but at what?  50%?  You can find someone on waivers who is hitting at 100% that is better.

Adam Frazier – 3-for-5, 2 runs, hitting .351, as he hits leadoff.  I wanna say giddy up and other foxy words you reserve for your wife when she’s in chaps, but if Marte returns, Frazier might sit.  So, yes, I like Frazier, but you have to make sure he’s playing.

Edinson Volquez – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 5.25 with a 1.51 WHIP.  Not that he was ever great, but this is Game 1 starter of last year’s World Series.

Josh Tomlin – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 4.61.  I told you to stream him in this start, because I’m psychic.  Sorry about your cat.  Oh, wait, that hasn’t happened yet.

Andrew Miller – 1 2/3 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 1.55, moved his record to 9-1.  He lost the closer job.  Just try to wrap your noodle around that.  He lost the closer job.

Carlos Santana – 1-for-4 and his 33rd homer.  Santana hitting leadoff for the better part of the year and Miller not being the closer could have the same reasoning.  Francona likes close games.

Danny Salazar – Played catch on Tuesday.  How sweet.  I hope Cat’s in the Cradle was playing and Mason Reese was crying nearby.

T.J. House – Designated for assignment.  Only two people I can think that can get this House back to where he needs to be…The Property Brothers!