Chisholm Hits A HR For Each Of His Jazz Hands

In the late-90s, I worked as an au pair in The Bahamas, one of my favorite gigs post-college. I remember watching an eighteen-month-old Jasrado Prince Hermis Arrington Chisholm Jr. I would put on John Coltrane, on his baby finger, because I didn’t have a record player, and I would spin the record real fast so it made sound, and little Jasrado Prince Hermis Arrington would giggle. One time, while I was balancing the record on his finger, I went by the window to smoke a jay, closing the window so not to lose any of that puff. When I was finished, I returned to Baby Jasrado Prince Hermis Arrington’s finger again to spin the record, and, when I did, he was wearing dark sunglasses, and a beret and I said to his parents, “You should call him Monica Lewinsky,” and they nodded, saying, “They would take it under advisement.” Always felt like they were patronizing me. I wonder what they ended up nicknaming him–Wait a minute! Could that baby have been Jazz Chisholm Jr.? Nah, that would be way too coincidental. Yesterday, Jazz did exactly what makes him so special, going 2-for-4, 3 runs, 3 RBIs with a double slam (16. 17) and legs (22). Jazz is one of my most highly anticipated guys for 2022. His strikeouts (29%) are a little high, but an inflated BABIP (.330-ish) evens out his average at .250 and that feels like it will easily repeat or get better, and I’m counting on better. In 2022, he is a handful of guys who could go 25/25. And that’s a small handful. Like a baby hand that can play a Jazz record. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Jesus Sanchez – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 13th homer. I’ve fallen wildly in love with Jesus this year. Put me in a white robe and walk me into a river for my baptism. I’m ready to embrace your long feathered hair, Lord! America runs on Dunkin’ me in the water! Lord? Did I lose you with the last one? Aw shucks. Alas, check out this Jesus:

The Kevin Mitchell pic.twitter.com/lpziUQAPRv

— Razzball (@Razzball) September 21, 2021

Lane Thomas – 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 6th homer, that’s in 33 games with the Nats. Life in the not-gassed Lane.

Keibert Ruiz – 3-for-5, 1 run, 4 RBIs. That’s three three-hit games in his last four games. Hot schmotato alert!

Anthony Gose – 1 2/3 IP, 1 ER, as he was promoted by Cleveland. He’s been clocked at 101 MPH. Wow, I remember liking him a few years ago because I thought he could steal 30 bags, but didn’t think he was that fast–*intern whispers in my ear*–He’s pitching now?! He was in the Olympics? Doing gymnastics? No? Gosenastics? Still no? Wow, so, Gose has been promoted as a pitcher, and he’s hitting 100+ MPH. Sounds like Vlad Jr. is going to get another contender for his AL MVP.

Shane Bieber – Was hit around in his Double-A rehab start. Serious question: Bieber is a top __ SP next year? 5? 10? 20? 25?

Triston McKenzie – 4 1/3 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 4.67. Good Triston: Strong Bean. Bad Triston: Stretch Armweak. I’d say the wind must’ve been blowing out, but, if it was, McKenzie would’ve been blown out of the stadium.

Salvador Perez – 3-for-6, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 46th homer, a new world record for catchers, surpassing the Bench mark. I’ve seen a lot of great catchers in my day, and Salvador Perez is the best the position has to offer. If Mike Piazza had acne on his back from steroids, Perez looks like he should have acne on his front, back, arms, knees and feet. He doesn’t; I don’t think. Hey, Sal, let me see your knees. The most incredible thing for Perez is his ability to play so much. I doff my cap and vow to never draft you in 2022.

Brady Singer – 7 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.72, as he was activated from the IL. Fun fact! Princess Di was voted Most Likely Royals’ Brady Singer. She just loved Jan. As for this Royals’ Brady Singer, I’d look at the Streamonator.

Hunter Dozier – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 14th homer, 2nd homer in four games, though now it’s been five games, but ya know what I mean. Hot schmotato alert!

Adalberto Mondesi – 1-for-3, 1 run and 2 steals (12, 13). Imagine this guy stayed healthy for 162 games. *wavy lines* Mondesi just stole his 60th base! *wavy lines* Hey, that was a pretty straightforward dream. Wait, dreams never mean what they mean. What the hell does that mean?!

Andrew Benintendi – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 16th homer, hitting near-.400 in September, and his RBIs are the 2nd most in the AL this month. Him and Dozier have been on a few of my teams for the last two weeks because they’ve been hot. In general, the Royals have been(intendi) hot.

Tyler Anderson – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.01. Streamonator says positive vibes for his next start, and don’t you love when your H2H championship comes down to some rando you picked up about three days ago? Just as you drew it up when you were asking in March, “Grey, do you head model? Also, do you like Bieber or Giolito better?”

Jose Siri – 1-for-5 and his 4th homer, and 2nd homer in two games, and fourth time highlighting him in the last week and, yes, you should likely pick him up.

Marwin Gonzalez – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 5 RBIs and his 5th homer, 2nd homer in the last four games, and you Marwin some, but you just lost this one if you don’t Marwin.

Framber Valdez – 7 IP, 0 ER, 9 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.07. His fan club should dress up like Fruit of the Loom raspberries and call themselves, The Fram Boys.

Adam Duvall – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 37th homer, and guess what he did yesterday. This guy is like clockwork, if there was a homer and a game hand.

Eddie Rosario – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 13th homer, and 2nd day in a row with a homer. He hits them right after a cycle, so call him Mr. Menses.

Carlos Rodon – 3 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 2.47, and is likely done for the season with renewed soreness in his pitching arm. This is gonna come as wildly shocking to you, but a guy who was having shoulder problems in August didn’t get magically better. The same guy also lied about feeling fine because he’s going to be a free agent. Pretty surprising stuff, huh?

Noah Syndergaard – Threw 15-20 pitches in batting practice. Risking him this year is not the most Mets thing ever. The most Mets thing ever would be if Syndergaard was throwing to deGrom, who was hitting, and Syndergaard plunked him.

Ranger Suarez – 6 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 1.60. Get the sense he’s going to be treated like a complete fluke in next year’s drafts. Oh, 1.60 ERA is flukey, but he’s not nearly as flukey as you might think. Like a fake fluke, an Impossible Fluke.

Yandy Diaz – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 12th homer. This dude is so jacked, when he forearm bashes a teammate, I wince. He must really have popcorn muscles, about to start calling him, Jiffy Pop.

Joey Wendle – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 11th homer. Member in April when it seemed like he was gonna be a thing? Nope, Mr. Wendle is a bum.

Andrew Kittredge – Hit the IL with “ya know, we’re going to the playoffs, let’s rest our top reliever.” The only cure is the season ending. So, who is the Rays’ closer now? Oh, I’m not trying to intro advice. I’m literally asking. Who’s their closer now? I want to know. I guess McHugh is there, but he’s been great in multiple innings. Peter Fairbanks sounds like a 50s matinee idol and could get saves, and Nick Anderson is there, right? Whatever happened to him? There’s JT Chargois, who sounds made-up, and Dietrich Enns (1/3 IP, 0 ER), who got the save. Cash must’ve thought Dietrich had room for a new job, liking Enns’ vacancy. In other words, there might be three more saves from the Rays this year, and they might go to three different relievers.

Shane Baz – 5 IP, 2 ER, 2 baserunners, 5 Ks, as he was called up. Just gave you my Shane Baz fantasy. It was written while dunking Donettes into a tiny mug of coffee. As for him yesterday, might’ve been the best debut I saw this year. On par with Manoah and the Rays’ other Shane. The slider Baz was delivering was making the best lineup in MLB look silly. Tesocar (1-for-4, 29th homer) clubbed a pitch he had no business catching up to — high cheese touching 98 — and Lourdes Gurriel Jr. (1-for-3, 20th homer) hit a mistake, about the only one thrown all night.

Marcus Semien – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 41st homer. Give him the AL MVP!

Luis Severino – Was activated from the IL. The Yankees getting back Severino right before the playoffs could be huge. Severino does great in-game commentary and, with the Yankees likely watching the playoffs from a bar, Severino could add some much needed atmosphere to their watch parties. Honestly, I saw Severino was activated and I thought, “Cool, I wonder if I should start Dillon Peters or Brady Singer.” Luckily, I chose Singer. Severino might be worthwhile next year, but I have no interest now.

Nestor Cortes Jr. – 4 1/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 2.79. Vs. the Rangers? *holds nose* That’s a stinker. Now the next start, according to the Streamonator, is in Fenway. Lowercase yay.

Bryan Reynolds – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 24th homer. No matter what Reynolds does I have a sneaking suspicion that there must be something wrong with him because if there wasn’t he’d be traded away. This is farting in the general direction of them trading for Chris Archer by sending away Glasnow, Meadows and throwing in Shane Baz.

Yoshi Tsutsugo – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer. Appizzarently, the hot schmotato is still alive with this guy. By the way, I know I can’t make things happen with my mind because Phil Collins’ favorite, Tsutsugo, doesn’t only get hits off Genesis Cabrera.

Joey Votto – 3-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 32nd and 33rd homer, and three homers in two games. Shame I didn’t tell you to drop him six weeks ago. My reverse Sells are undefeated.

Eugenio Suarez – 2-for-5 and his 27th homer, hitting .179. He’s no longer playing every day because he was only hitting for power, which is what he always did, but Dumb Bell just needed two years and five months to figure it out.

Kyle Farmer – 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 15th homer, and 2nd homer in the last week, and hitting .325-ish in that time. Hot schmotato alert!

Tyler Stephenson – Hit the Covid IL, and our 2nd Olympics sighting in one post. The Reds called up Mark Kolozsvary, the guy who caught Gose. Can’t duck duck past him.

Avisail Garcia – 1-for-3 and his 28th homer, and 3rd homer in his last three games, but about a week separated those games because he was injured. He needed Prince Fielder’s wife to kiss his boo-boo.

Jon Lester – 6 IP, 2 ER, 3 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 4.59. He was moved up to start on Monday, and the Cards touch poo to turn it into gold with everyone. I can’t imagine a scenario where I’d start him, even if the Streamonator liked him.

Nolan Arenado – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 33rd homer. This leaf is from the apple tree that Sir Isaac Newton sat under when he developed the law of gravity. Here, I’ll show you, I have it perched by this open window–NOOOO!! Torenado!

Daniel Ponce De Leon – Designated for assignment. Ponce De Leon better hope he finds more lives with another team, because, after he argued with Yadier the other day in the dugout, he’s done with the Cards. May as well be caught peeing on Musial’s grave.