With austere white hair and a black turtleneck, Shane Baz Luhrmann, one of the Rays’ top pitching prospect, spoke in a deep German accent, “Now, it’s time on Sprockets when I’m called up to the dance,” and, with that, Shane Baz and a monkey danced around in the press conference to announce his promotion to the majors. The Rays decided to add some intrigue into the final two weeks of the season, calling up, Shane Baz who can touch 100 MPH. That’s miles per hour not the number of Moulin Rouges per hour you can watch when they’re on fast forward. That’s six. In Itch’s latest top 100 fantasy baseball prospects, he had Shane Baz coming in at 37th overall. As Prospector Geoff said a few years ago, “Baz is a fire-balling Texan with a varied stable of offerings. His fastball is a plus pitch featuring a velocity range between 91-98, with two plane movement. It’s a pitch he really has feel for, which is why the variance is so great with the pitch’s velocity. Baz’s pitchability and feel are truly impressive for a prep player. His ability to take something off, and reshape his pitches gives him two distinctive plus offerings in his high 80’s cutter and low-mid 80’s slider. He also features an average curveball, and a work in progress change that shows encouraging run. Baz’s talent is in good hands in the Pirates organization.” And I am laughing very loudly at that last part. Yes, the Pirates traded him to the Rays. Why? Because the Pirates know no (stutterer!) limits to their tanking. In all leagues, I’d grab Baz to try to catch lightning in a bottle. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Shane McClanahan – 5 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.51. The Rays’ other Shane. Hey, do the Rays get a discount if they get guys with the same name? And, if so, do they have a Shane Lowe?

Wily Peralta – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.04. Streamonator doesn’t like the Tigers’ Wily, but now’s no time to be bashful. Though, bashful sounds like being filled with bashes, and going from one party to the other with a noisemaker and drunk, as you celebrate your fantasy titles. Yeah, that’s the ticket.

Ryan Vilade – Was promoted by the Rockies, but didn’t play on Sunday. In the minors, he’s been tearing the cover off the ball, which sounds like an overzealous ump. “Where’s that Spider Tack, goddamn it!” In 2019, he went 12/24/.303 in High-A. This year: 7/12/.286 in Triple-A. The Rockies are a smart organization that does great things with rookies–Okay, I’m sorry, I couldn’t even pretend for the sarcasm. Will the Rockies actually play Vilade? Let me ask you a question in return: Have the Rockies been out of it nearly the whole year and how well have they prepared for their future? Are they playing Cron and Blackmon every day? Did they trade Story? Okay, as I was saying.

Juan Soto – 1-for-4 and his 26th homer, hitting .315, and hitting near-.430 in September and over .360 in the 2nd half and Sexy Dr. Pepper doesn’t know how to have a down year.

Cody Bellinger – Dealing with a non-displaced fracture of his ribs. This guy can’t even go to Tony Roma’s without doing something stupid.

Corey Seager – 2-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 10th homer, hitting .285. He now has one great season in six seasons, and only one year with 25+ homers. Is there any reason to draft him in the top 150 in 2022? Assuming you’re not his mother with a severe distaste for Kyle, do you even draft Corey before Kyle?

Gavin Lux – 3-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 7th homer. Fun fact! When Cougs I travel we go Lux, because I always Gavin.

Jesse Winker – Hit the IL with an intercostal strain the day he came off the IL. Winker was hurt by a gust of wind.

Sonny Gray – 6 IP, 4 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.91. Here’s how this matchup with Max Scherzer (7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.08) went: Sonny said, “Hey, I’m an ace.” Then watched Scherzer and said, “No, I’m not.”

Wade Miley – 3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 3.37. Reds are starting to fade just as the Reds’ front office thought they would for the last four months when they made literally no effort to make their team better.

Luis Gil – 4 1/3 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 3.07. Hitting that rookie wall that happens to all the greats, except me.

Gerrit Cole – 5 2/3 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 3.03. Aw, I am very sad about this for all the people who drafted a starter in the top ten. I’m sure they’ll have some very believable excuses why it still made a lot of sense.

Aaron Civale – 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.40. “Why couldn’t I have this jerk?!” “Okay, okay, let’s keep it civil.” “I’m trying!” Streamonator doesn’t love his next start vs. the White Sox and I can understand why, but the White Sox are in playoffs-mode, and I’d start Civale if I needed it.

Jose Ramirez – 4-for-4, 4 runs, 3 RBIs and his 35th homer, hitting .265. Jo-Ram thrives on garbage teams, feeding the poor with his dingers. About to start calling him Jose Andres. After Andre Dawson, of course. What?

Lance Lynn – 5 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.47, in 83 pitches. Are you laughing like I am at all the pitchers’ pitch counts? It’s nuts. No offense to Nicki Minaj’s cousin.

Yasmani Grandal – 1-for-4, and his 22nd homer, hitting .235. Currently, writing up the positional recaps that will be posted after the season ends, and Grandal is pretty close to a top five catcher, which shows me you kinda only need to excel in two of five categories to be a decent catcher.

Kris Bubic – 6 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 4.72. Streamonator hates his next start, but it’s against the Tigers, and if I’m desperate, I’m streaming him. When you’re rooting around in the muck, looking for jewels below the surface, that’s the Bubic region.

Jarred Kelenic – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 13th homer, and 3rd homer this weekend. A hot Kelenic sounds like a coffee cleanse from McDonald’s, but it’s a hot schmotato.

Mitch Haniger – 1-for-4 and his 34th homer. That t-shirt I saw on the back of that guy riding a motorcycle better not have read, “The Mitch Fell Off.”

Logan Gilbert – 7 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.74. The unpredictability of rookie pitchers makes me think how Shane McClanahan will go around 100 overall next year, and Gilbert will go around 200, and either one can be great next year. Shane doesn’t even have better odds than Gilbert, but he will be treated like it.

Jose Siri – 1-for-2, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer. Siri, who was Friday’s Buy? “Grey, the nearest Friday’s restaurant by you–” Shut up, Siri. So, Siri was filling in for Brantley, and now Kyle Tucker’s dealing with shoulder discomfort.

Chas McCormick – 1-for-4 and his 13th homer, and 2nd homer in the last four games. Fun fact! Chas’s real name is Cha-Cha-Cha but he shortened it. Chas might be a very light schmotato.

Garrett Richards – 1 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 4.53, and his 3rd save. So, who’s the Red Sox closer? I’d guess anyone but Grr-Dicks, but Grr-Dicks could be it.

Aaron Nola – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 4.48. What did it take to get a good start out of Nola? Vee ess period the Mets.

Patrick Wisdom – 1-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 27th homer. Wisdom’s no Frank Schwindel (2-for-5, 1 run, 1 RBI and his 1st steal), who reminds me of Joe DiMaggio only better. Wisdom’s not too shabby though, considering he has 27 homers in only 321 ABs. Who are you, 2019 Mitch Garver?

Trayce Thompson – 1-for-3 and a slam (1) and legs (2). This guy sounds like he was on a UPN sitcom with Tracee Ellis Ross, and it was called Tracee and Trayce.

Yu Darvish – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 4.13. Solid start that was helped by Rob Manfred paying off the home plate umpire. “Listen, you don’t want robots taking your job, and I don’t Tatis not making the playoffs. Let’s make a deal!”

Tommy Pham – 2-for-4, 2 runs. 3 RBIs and his 14th homer. The ol’ reverse jinx sell from Friday’s Buy. Maybe I should do the Padres a favor and say their team is the biggest disappointment I can remember in many years to see if I can reverse jinx them. You telling me Jake Arrieta wasn’t a good pick up? Vince Velasquez? Really? Hunh, big surprise.

Dominic Leone – 1 IP, 0 ER and his 2nd save, as he replaced an injured Jake McGee because I grabbed Tyler Rogers everywhere. Still think it will be Mr. Rogers as the closer, but it might be whoever’s in the neighborhood, like Dominic Leone. Hey, did Mr. Rogers move onto Mulberry Street?

Adam Duvall – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 36th homer. And another homer in the Braves’ next game. Who wants some action? C’mon, I’ll collect if he homers and welch if he doesn’t.

Eddie Rosario – 4-for-4, and his 12th homer, 2nd homer in the last four games, as he hit for the cycle. I always think a player should get a bicycle after they hit for the cycle, like they’re at the Jersey Shore playing boardwalk games. Or they can wait until they hit for a 2nd cycle and trade both in for a four-wheeled vehicle. Rosario has been solid with the Braves, in general, and “in general” sounds like a faux pas when discussing the Braves. Any hoo! Was thinking about how Rosario’s gonna be dirt cheap next year, and I’m muy interested.

James Kaprielian – 6 IP, 0 ER, 2 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.80. The J, The I, The M, The (spells out the rest of Jimmy), it’s the Jimmy Kap! Putting the A’s in fantastic. Okay, whatever, the Streamonator likes his next start and that’s all that matters this time of year.

Frankie Montas – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.57. Excuse me, that’s Oaktown 3.57!

Shohei Ohtani – 8 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 3.28. Yeah, but Vlad Jr.’s ERA is 0.00.

Hoy Park – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer. Watched Park for the first time the other day, and I was reminded of how Cougs parks. Not good, and I often say after each close call, “Hoy boy.”