And, with the first pick of the MLB draft, the Philadelphia Phillies take… Someone that was born in 1998. I have a bottle of ketchup older than that. In fact, I think I have an entire shelf of condiments older. Mickey Moniak or Grey’s Worcestershire sauce? What? That doesn’t ever go bad and it’s used for one thing. I think I dated a girl in 1998 who wanted a Bloody Mary. What else am I going to do with it?! Lea & Perrins conspired to add it in the recipe of the Bloody Mary so everyone would have to buy it. But you done messed up, Lea & Perrins, because there’s no use-by date! Seinfeld pulls me aside like Bania, “You have fifteen minutes of Worcestershire sauce material, maybe you diversify? What’s the deal with soy sauce? If it’s soy, shouldn’t it be white?” Wanna feel really old, look at Mickey Moniak. He makes Christian Yelich look like a blue-hair. I’m sure Prospector Ralph will be along on Sunday to talk about the MLB Draft in total, but the Phils grabbed Mickey Moniak, an eighteen-year-old lefty who has a line-drive stroke. Said to have a high floor, which means low upside. Hey, he actually might be just like Christian Yelich, two brothers from nearly this millennial. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Jameson Taillon – Sent back down to the minors. Will he be back shortly? Do they make night vision goggles out of bat eyes? I don’t know for either of these, but am anxious to find out.
Jeff Locke – 4 2/3 IP, 11 ER. Bring back the non-Italian Taillon!
David Freese – 1-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 5th homer. Yeah, yeah, it was in Coors. Speaking of which, the Pirates had a series at home vs. the Mets, a one-day game in Coors, then back home vs. the Cards, as their team’s schedule was designed to max out a Delta Rewards program.
DJ LeMahieu – 2-for-3, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his 4th homer. You are bat shizz crazy like Milton Bradley if you don’t think owning Rockie hitters in Coors is good.
Charlie Blackmon – 2-for-5, 1 run, 2 RBIs, hitting .302. His Twitter handle is Chuck Nazty, and I get that you take what’s available when you want Chuck Nasty, but that is way too close to being the most doofus Nazi Twitter handle. “Follow me at Chuck Nazy for all hot Aryan girl pix — Mine Humpf!”
Trevor Story – 2-for-5, 1 run, hitting .261. He’s taken over the lead for the most strikeouts in baseball at 87. Hard to hate on Rockies hitters, but I get the feeling that everyone who missed out on Story this year is going to draft him high next year and he’s going to hit .210. Then again, Coors.
Blake Snell – Come on down, latest rookie nookie starter! Possibly. The Rays are being coy, but with Smyly’s velocity down and getting bumped, Snell could be on the way to The Big Show, who is, let’s be honest, no Big John Studd.
Yu Darvish – Was able to play catch yesterday. Our oddly-shaped prayers worked!
Robinson Chirinos – Was activated from the DL. What’s the opposite of uh-oh? That, for Chirinos.
Prince Fielder – 1-for-4 and his 4th homer, hitting .193. Even a broken clock is right twice a day. Unless you take the broken clock on a plane and fly east at 500 MPH, then that broken clock will be right every twenty minutes. However, I don’t think Fielder is a broken clock on an airplane.
Rougned Odor – 1-for-4 and his 9th homer. Odor is changing baseball parlance, because he’s making whiffs into a good thing.
Adrian Beltre – MRI shows a strained hamstring, but Beltre campaigned to come in as a pinch hitter yesterday, and did about as well as Ted Cruz. Sounds like Beltre will avoid the DL for a week or so until he realizes he should just go on the DL.
Martin Perez – 6 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners (4 BBs), 2 Ks, ERA at 3.22. Whoa, maybe I should reevaluate my dislike of Perez. …And I still don’t like him.
Carlos Correa – Day-to-day with a sprained ankle. Let’s check in on Prospector Ralph around eight seconds after Correa sprained his ankle… *Ralph bites down on a hamburger so he can hold it in his mouth without hands, grabs Alex Bregman in every league, takes right hand and high fives left hand, mumbles congratulations to his fantasy team, removes hamburger from mouth so his fantasy team can hear him* Putting aside PR’s enthusiasm, Correa will probably avoid the DL.
Chris Denorfia – Giants signed him to a minor league contract. Brian Sabean has never met an aging utility outfielder he does not love. “Hey, when your suspension is over, give me a call.” That’s Sabean wrapping up his phone call with Marlon Byrd.
Marcus Stroman – 5 1/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA up to 4.94. I think Stroman can be a solid starter in the major leagues, but you’re crummy with crackers if you’re waiting around for it right now.
Jose Bautista – 2-for-2, 2 runs, 1 RBI, hitting .234, but left the game with thigh tightness. Probably got sore trying to run fast to first after a base on balls like every other leadoff hitter.
Pedro Alvarez – 2-for-4 and his 6th homer, hitting .223. He’ll be in this afternoon’s Buy column, but, of course, he will be. The Hitter-Tron has an ‘erectrocution’ for me. That’s when his metal rod feels a sexual current.
Chris Davis – 2-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 13th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games (for him). There’s about a 3-inch crack in the Buy Low window right now for Davis. You should attack very fast, because you’re gonna look up in August and be like, “Damn, when did he get to 30 homers.”
Manny Machado – 2-for-5, 1 RBI, hitting .305. Was suspended for four games for the fight. So, if you connect on one good punch, you get three extra days? Because Machado charged the mound, all Odor did was stand his ground. What if you karate kick someone and no punches? Is that more or less time? A landed punch but on the testicles? More or less time? I’d love to know!
Yordano Ventura – Was suspended nine games for throwing at Machado. Ventura will appeal his suspension. On his way to the appeal, he will pick a fight with the Uber driver, the doorman at MLB headquarters, the elevator, Rob Manfred’s secretary and MLB’s chief baseball officer, Joe Torre, who is admittedly looking at Ventura funny. Don’t look at Yordano funny! Nothing funny here!
Billy Hamilton – Dealing with a potential concussion. It happened back at the hotel when Eugenio hit him with a foam pillow, when he thought it was a feather pillow. Jay Bruce is just as much to blame for yelling pillow fight.
Brandon Finnegan – 7 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.77. What he’s done so far is a good story like the time your aunt told you about her trip to the supermarket. Okay, so it’s not a good story. It gets worse, Finnegan’s not very good either.
Adam Wainwright – 6 IP, 2 ER, 3 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 5.21. Did you stream him after seeing the Stream-o-Nator liked him yesterday? You didn’t? You own him? He has a 5.21 ERA and this isn’t 2010. Yes, that also means you can openly talk about the Lost finale too.
Bartolo Colon – 7 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 2 Ks in Miller Park. Even more impressive because Colon pitched through disappointment for the entire game. He misheard where he was pitching and thought he was headed where there was pork-flavored grains.
Curtis Granderson – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 11th homer, and 2nd homer in the past four games. If he was dropped in your league (and I hope he was), then now would be the time to pick him back up. Hot schmotato rising!
Scooter Gennett – 4-for-4, hitting near-.350 in the last week. He won’t be in this afternoon’s Buy column, but he could be. Enticing commodity!
Tyler Naquin – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer. When you’re hot, you’re hot. Or you were hot. Naquin hit three homers in three games last week, then went hitless for two games. He’s not a power hitter, but might have some light schmotato pop.
Robinson Cano – 3-for-5 and two solo homers (17, 18). He’s kept his power going way past any point where I thought he would. His biggest year for power was 2012 with 33 homers. That year, he didn’t hit his 18th homer until June 27th, so, yeah, who knows where this is going. Maybe he’s Becky with the good hair.
Tom Koehler – 6 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.36. There was a bunch of lackluster pitchers going yesterday and not a ton of offense either (except for the Marlins, of course). Weird day, in general. “Hey, c’mon, that’s not nice.” Sorry, Thursday. You have to admit though that you are the weirdest day. “Tuesday’s kinda weird.” But you’re full-on weird! “Fair enough.”
Marcell Ozuna – 4-for-5, 1 run, 3 RBIs. OZUNA get blurb without hitting homer. OZUNA finally make it. OZUNA talking about the blanket he sewed. OZUNA make it to warm up Giancarlo.
Giancarlo Stanton – 0-for-5 with four Ks, hitting .197. I’m concerned. I’ll admit it. I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s dealing with some nagging pain in his wrist. I’d have a hard time selling him low, but I would push the range of players I’d accept for him in a trade to about the top 30 or so.
Mat Latos – Designated for assignment. His assignment is to get his wife to stop calling the White Sox front office and asking, “Mat could play short, can you try him there?” He’s not going to play short, Dallas Latos, let it go!
Gio Gonzalez – 7 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 3.93 vs. Miguel Gonzalez – 6 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.57. Elias Sports Bureau said this was the first time a Gonzalez went against a Gonzalez since Juan Gonzalez screamed into the mirror, “Take your medicine!” while being injected by Canseco.
Daniel Murphy – 1-for-4 and his 11th homer, hitting .374. “This player was cryogenically frozen directly after last season’s playoffs.” “Who is Daniel Murphy?” “Right again.” “Okay, I’ll take Made Up Jeopardy Answers for $400.”
Jefry Marte – 1-for-1, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer, and 2nd in as many games. Yeah, and The Sciosciapath didn’t even start him yesterday or leave him in after he hit a pinch-hit homer, so it’s hard to recommend him.
Brett Gardner – 3-for-4, 2 runs. I said something about a week ago like, “If Gardner were to get hot, he’d be right on his usual pace.” And that’s me paraphrasing me! He’s hitting near-.550 in the last week and has raised his average from .217 to .261 in ten games.
Chris Coghlan – Traded back to the Cubs because Maddon loves players that can play everywhere. When Brock Holt was having a statue dedicated to him in Philadelphia, Maddon went and interrupted the press conference telling Brock, “Why don’t you come play for a real man?” Then screaming at John Farrell, “Shut up, old man!” Then he made awkward passes at Adrian Gonzalez.
Rich Hill – Hit the DL with a strained groin. Well, he was only going to pitch around 75 innings this year, so at some point something had to strike. Sorry it struck his groin. Not a lucky strike, like Jim Leyland enjoys smoking.
Arismendy Alcantara – Went the other way in the Cubs/A’s trade. Not joking when I say the A’s and Cubs would be happy just trading Coghlan and Arismendy back and forth depending on upcoming matchups. “Nah, you need a lefty bat for the series vs. the Pirates, you take him.” “You sure? I feel bad, we had Coghlan last weekend.”