Yom Kippur, the Jewish day of atonement, began yesterday, and Brad Ausmus, the Tigers manager who doesn’t believe in a manger, started atoning for his mistakes, by sending the Tigers closer, Bruce Rondon, home due to a lack of effort. This sends an interesting message. I’d guess, with a motorized scooter and knee-bypass surgery, Victor Martinez still wouldn’t be at 100% effort. Kyle Lobstein and Randy Wolf wouldn’t be at 100% effort with a pitching machine standing next to them as they mimed throwing. Shoot, I don’t know if Miggy was at 100% effort even in his Triple Crown season. Also, what does this say about Ausmus? That he’s managing a team in last place, but he’s coaching at 100% effort? Wouldn’t he be better off pretending he was at, say, 60% effort? How about this, “I sent Rondon home because he was at 40% effort. I lead by example around here, and I demand everyone give 50 to 55% effort, as I do. What? You thought I was at 100% effort and we’re in last place? Please!” Alex Wilson is the likely replacement closer, maybe Neftali Feliz also sees some saves, but he blew one last night. Then, in Kansas City, Greg Holland let the entire organization off easy by saying he had a tight elbow and is done for the year. This saves everyone from calling for Wade Davis to close while berating and belittling Holland worse than a tourist who doesn’t smoke pot and hates windmills. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Daniel Norris – 5 IP, 0 ER, 0 baserunners, 4 Ks. Yes, he was lifted during a perfect game. You know why? Cause he was only at 97%! Him being pulled with a perfect game is a better illustration of why I wouldn’t own him this year than any I could give you. Plus, I can’t draw worth a shizz.
Jose Quintana – 7 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks. This is funny (not funny). His ERA this year is 3.38 in 197 1/3 IP. His ERA in four years and 727 IP is 3.49. Yet, he’s still not owned in your league. Will be like that next year too.
Omar Infante – Has a Grade 1 oblique strain. From WebMD, “A Grade 1 strain occasionally pees itself and needs to take a nap around midday.”
Hisashi Iwakuma – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 3.67. On my Facebook timeline, I have a picture of Hisashi plus a bowl of dashi and then two Slurpee cups but I’ve scribbled out the “ee” in each with MS Paint. I’ve changed my wifi password to “slurpSLURP!” When I talk in the first person from now on, I will say, “I dot dot dot wakuma.” On the reallies, is it me or has Hisashi had two amazing starts this year and then a bunch of bleh?
Robinson Cano – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 18th and 19th homers. If he ends the year with 19 homers, I bet he’ll be drafted three rounds later than if he finishes the year with 20. I have no way to prove this, so I’m right, of course.
Jesus Montero – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 5th homer. My sixth sense says I see dead-to-me prospects.
Brad Miller – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 10th homer. Do I smell a 2016 sleeper? Greek chorus, “NOOOOOO!”
Kyle Seager – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 25th homer, hitting .276. Is there a more underrated player? Yeah, prolly, but Seager is one, as well.
Pablo Sandoval – Remained out of the lineup on Tuesday. He was dealing with a fever over the weekend. For the record, that was the only time this year he got hot.
Travis Shaw – 3-for-3, 2 RBIs, hitting near-.400 in the last week. Hot schmotato alert!
Mikie Mahtook – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer. Recently, I was surprised to find out that not a lot of people know Mikie Mahtook is included in a New Jersey nursery rhyme like “Sally sells seashells.” It goes, “Mikie Mahtook took my token to Hoboken to see Carlo’s cannoli cookies, but they were eaten by JWoww and Snookie.”
Matt Moore – 6 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 7 Ks. Now with back-to-back solid starts, but goes to Toronto next and I wouldn’t touch him with a nine-foot pole that has twelve one-inch straws attached to its end.
Adam Jones – Out yesterday due to back spasms. Just go to City Hall and have them change your name to Spasm Jones.
Ubaldo Jimenez – 6 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners (5 BBs), 5 Ks. Fun fact! Ubaldo is also the name of the least successful barber in Spain.
Gio Gonzalez – 4 2/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 3.94. Go back and look at my blurb on Quintana, then come back and look at Gonzalez’s ERA. Yup.
Jacob deGrom – Likely to return on Sunday. I have a new idea on how to solve the Mets rotation problems. They’re already paying Bobby Bonilla a million dollars this year, so just have him start a few games.
David Wright – 2-for-4 and his 4th homer. He also notched his 12th RBI. I’m gonna guess every fantasy baseball ‘pert who did projections went over on Wright’s projections and missed out on the Showcase Showdown.
Jace Peterson – 1-for-3 and his 6th homer. He’s looked like Nadir Bupkis for the last few weeks, so this could be the start of something, but for now I’d just watch him like a cyclops with a monocle.
Matthew Wisler – 7 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks. Wisler’s a streamer, but, on a more general note, someone should research if offense goes up in August and steadily cools down in September. It feels that way, and, anecdotally, it would make sense. Teams are still fighting in August, then they call up rookies in September and throw in the towel like Rocky should’ve for Apollo.
Carlos Beltran – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 17th homer. You can’t wait until Fox spends ten minutes of their playoff broadcast talking about how great Beltran is. You know you can’t. As for now, he has two homers in the past four games, but hitting just over .200 in the past week, so there’s that.
Greg Bird – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 10th homer. No, I have no idea why you haven’t picked him up, either. Afraid of success like your mom says? Maybe.
Kevin Pillar – 3-for-3 and a slam (11) and a double helping of legs (21, 22). Here’s a guy that people are gonna look at his 2015 stats and think, “A cheap Pollock in the last rounds? That sounds racist and I like it!” Then they’ll get to April 15th and be like, “Why did I draft Pillar?”
Dioner Navarro – 1-for-5 and his 5th homer, his 2nd game in a row with a homer. For Navarro, it’s now becoming a regular Ritual de lo Habitual! Dioner doesn’t play every day, but obviously he’s hot if you can platoon him.
Michael Brantley – Left yesterday’s game with a shoulder injury. The Indians are saying all the right things, he’s day-to-day, he’ll be fine, call us the Cleveland Native Americans, but at this time of the year, anything can cause guys to be shut down.
Robbie Ray – 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks. Would’ve been a nice stream if you had the trouser apples. Stream-o-Nator hates his next start, but it’s in Petco and I have to question the all-knowing robot on that one.
Paul Goldschmidt – 2-for-4 and his 30th homer. Au Shizz!
A.J. Pollock – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 18th homer. Pollock’s really helping you *pinkie to mouth* Polish up that championship trophy!
Brandon Drury – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 1st homer. He also had three hits the game before, so he could be starting to heat up. Plus, when you say his last name, you sound drunk.
Nick Ahmed – 1-for-3, 1 run and two hits on Monday night. #IstandwithNickahmed
Ervin Santana – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks. I streamed him in one league where I have a huge lead, which also happens to be the RCL where I’m beating J-FoH, Sky, Rudy, JayWrong, JB, Prospect Mike, Tehol and a host of others (like five others). *blows on knuckles, rubs knuckles on shirt, realizes I had tomato sauce on my knuckles* Damn!
Glen Perkins – 1 IP, 0 ER and a perfect eighth inning in a save situation. I’m sure at some point Perkins will get the closer job back, but, for now, obviously, interjection, it’s still Jepsen’s job, as he recorded his 13th save.
Aaron Hicks – 2-for-5, 1 run, 1 RBI. I love the smell of schmotatoes in the morning.
Carlos Gomez – Still has no timetable to return. His Siri said, “I have iCal open, Carlos, just tell me which day you’re thinking.”
Chris Carter – 1-for-3 and his 20th homer, hitting .187. That’s also the police radio code for his dead batting average.
Marwin Gonzalez – 1-for-2 and his 11th homer. Fun fact! Marwin was supposed to be Marvin, but the maternity ward nurse made a typo.
Albert Pujols – 2-for-4 and his 36th homer. The guy who bet five dollars that Pujols retired with no fanfare in August owes someone a Lincoln.
Jay Bruce – 1-for-4 and his 25th homer. Extremely iffy season, but at least he’s riding one of those patented hot streaks when it matters. Surfboard. Surfboard.
Tyson Ross – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 11 Ks, ERA at 3.17. Considering how much you hated him from time to time this year, I’d say you should be pretty happy with his end results.
Cory Spangenberg – 2-for-3 and his 4th homer and 2nd homer in two games. Doesn’t Cory Spangenberg sound like it would be a celebrity’s real name? Cory Spangenberg, or as his fans know him, Dr. Phil, could be starting to heat up. Worth grabbing if desperate or if a fan of Dr. Phil.
Brandon Belt – Will visit a concussion specialist today. Hopefully, it’s not on an island with Dr. Morneau.
Aramis Ramirez – Left yesterday’s game with groin tightness. At his age, that sounds like a positive.
Wilin Rosario – 2-for-3 and his 6th homer. I streamed him for this game (though I dropped Navarro who also homered). How did Unkie Grey know to stream Wilin? I’m a witch. And he was playing in Coors.
Nolan Arenado – Did a faceplant and left the game with a possible concussion. I just had a twenty-minute cry. Okay, okay, I’m back. Initial concussion tests showed no concussion, but we need a prayer octagon. Immediately! I’m a wreck!
Jonathan Lucroy – Won’t catch again in 2015. His offseason job in Pike Place Market is also in jeopardy.
Jake Arrieta – 9 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 11 Ks, ERA at 1.88 and his 20th victory. Nothing to say on Arrieta for fantasy; you know him. But on a real world note, can he squeeze out the Cy Young? Or is it Greinke’s already?
Mitch Moreland – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 23rd homer, and his 4th homer in the last eight days. Yes, you should grab him for power. Yes, as in now.
Barry Zito – Will start Saturday vs. Tim Hudson. Also, Mark Mulder will be on hand before the game to honor the “Big Three.” The producers of Moneyball are putting the celebration together. They’re calling it, “Deleted Scenes.”
Tom Koehler – 5 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 5 Ks vs. the Phils. That is the new blech.
Miguel Rojas – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 1st major league homer. He’s also hitting near-.450 in the last week. No, it won’t last long, but there’s not long left.
Cody Asche – 3-for-4, 3 runs and his 10th and 11th homer. Now has four homers in his last ten games. Do I smell a 2016 sleeper?! Suddenly, a foot of God steps down, smushing me.
Maikel Franco – Doubtful to return this season. Halleberrylujah!
Ryan Howard – Also, unlikely to return. Fredberrylujah!