Grisham & The Firm Choose A Time To Kill O’s Pitching

A hand shoots through the ground, it’s a skeleton claw! Next, oh my God, it’s skeleton head! “I want pitcher brain custard,” it sneered. Is this, oh my God, has Trent Grisham (1-for-6 and his 8th homer and 4th homer in six games) turned into a Zombino? Cut! No, this is ridiculous. I’m sorry, he’s only 28; he’s too young to be a Zombino. Get the decaying scar tissue off his face. This is not a classic Zombino from Grisham, I think this might be: Look at what hitting in front of Judge does. Trent Grisham is this year’s Juan Soto. But there’s also Aaron Judge (2-for-3, 3 runs and his 9th homer, hitting .412). Well, yeah, because he’s hitting behind Trent Grisham! And there’s also Ben Rice (3-for-5, 4 runs, and his 7th and 8th homer). Well, yeah, dur, he’s hitting behind Judge! And, of course: Cody Bellinger (2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 3rd homer). Well, of course! He’s hitting three spots behind Judge! Sadly, four spots behind sucks. Jazz Chisholm Jr. grabbed at his side, then hit a triple, which makes me think the oblique is a made-up thing from 15 years ago and players just use it to get an IL stint. Rub some mud on it, man! He says he has flank pain. Is he a Korean short rib?! Jazz, you were killing me already with your dog crap average! Just unbelievable that the Yankees pour on runs and this schmohawk manages to have the one negative in the game. Oh, and Austin Wells (1-for-6) hit his 5th homer, but, of course, he’s six spots behind Judge! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Carlos Rodon – 6 IP, 2 ER, 3 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.43. Yanks scored a bajillion and Rodon cruised out to the Ivictory Coast for a free night at the W.

Jasson Dominguez – Didn’t play in this Yankees rout. Holy sit! He’s sitting against righties now? Ugh. Guys, the Yankees develop prospects once every 20 years. This dos-decade prospect was Judge.

Kyle Gibson – 3 2/3 IP, 9 ER as he was called up. Whoa, who’s this young buck who the O’s called up!? Let me check the prospect grades! Hmm, says here he has 60-grade stuff! Wow! Oh, crap, actually it says, “Will soon be 60.” It was his age. O’s thinking Kyle Gibson was the answer to their pitching problems is the funniest thing you could ever say. It’s Monty Python and the Holy Grail of MLB team logic. Perfection.

Gunnar Henderson – 1-for-3 and his 3rd homer, hitting .227. This home run came when the O’s were already down 12 runs, so your run-of-the-mill ho-hum dinger.

AJ Smith-Shawver – 5 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks as he was called up. Even with the Suckies living up to their name, Coors is a tough *pinkie to mouth* ASSignment. I doubt they send ASS down again, after calling him up. Prolly wanna see what he’s twerking with.

Michael Toglia – 1-for-4 and his 3rd homer, 2nd homer in four games. If someone gave up on him, I think you should consider getting back in. At least when he’s in Coors.

Isaac Collins – 1-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 1st major league homer. The fan who caught the ball negotiated with Isaac, getting his Mai Tai recipe. (BTW, Collins hit 2nd and Turang moved to the 8-hole, which is so absurdly funny with how well Turang is hitting.)

Freddy Peralta – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.52. Saw FreddyKBB gave up 1st-inning back-to-back homers to Andrew Benintendi (1-for-3, 5th homer) and LouBob and I screamed at my phone, “I hate you!” Thankfully, he settled. Now I have to send apology flowers to Siri.

Luis Robert Jr. – 1-for-3 and a slam (4) and legs (11), 2nd homer in three games, hitting…Guess. Go ahead! What could he be hitting? Bzzt, wrongo! .158! Sweet Baby Jesus, that’s awful. He could be heating up, though.

Eduardo Rodriguez – 4 IP, 8 ER, ERA at 6.06. Feels like a 6+ ERA is the point where it doesn’t matter how good a guy’s peripherals are, you can’t start him.

Brandon Nimmo – Out with the flu. He was even sick for his nine-RBI game. Seems like yesterday’s title was on the money.

Francisco Lindor – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer, hitting .302. Steals come incredibly fast, in handfuls, a guy can have six, seven, eight steals in a week and change their season stats in an instant, but Lindor does have only two steals through a month.

Pete Alonso – 2-for-3, 2 runs and his 7th homer, hitting .346. Albombso!

David Peterson – 5 IP, 1 ER, 5 hits, zero walks, 2 Ks, ERA at 3.06. His command (2.5 BB/9) is helping his 8.4 K/9 play, and his 58.8% ground ball rate is making it all work.

Jacob deGrom – 6 IP, 0 ER, 4 hits, zero walks, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.73. This was vs. the A’s in Texas (TexA’s?) and I wonder if we see the A’s have altitude issues when they leave SacTown, like the Suckies have on the road.

Josh H. Smith – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 4th steal, hitting .319, and in the two-hole. Don’t think it’s a stretch to say he’s the Rangers’ 2nd best hitter, behind Wyatt.

Shohei Ohtani – 1-for-4, 2 runs and a slam (7) and legs (8). He’s on pace for only a 40/40 season. Snooze! What a letdown, huh?

Andy Pages – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and a slam (6) and legs (3), hitting .293. If you’re not picking him up, I feel bad for you, son. I got a schmotato and you got none.

Sandy Alcantara – 2 2/3 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 8.31. If that was his tryout for the Dodgers, he just needed to exit with a sore shoulder to fit into the Dodgers’ future plans.

Gleyber Torres – 3-for-5, 3 RBIs and a slam (3) and legs (4), hitting .292, and 2nd homer in a week. Could be a little schmotato action here.

Kerry Carpenter – 2-for-5, 2 runs, and his 7th homer, hitting .277, and 2nd homer in as many games. Carpenter is nails!

Will Vest – 1 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 2.77, as he pitched from the 6th to the 7th inning. If that’s him imitating a lights-out closer, he is a terrible mimic.

Ryan Gusto – 4 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.00. His underlying stats still look decent, but, if you can’t tell, I’m struggling to endorse with Gusto.

Dylan Moore – Hit the IL with hip inflammation. I always thought hot hips was a positive. Bummer. Mariners do have this thing where guys are taking turns getting scorching hot. Now it’s Polanco and Crawford’s turns. Maybe JRod will get in on it sometime before September. This also breathes some life into Mastrobuoni. Ayo!

Jorge Polanco – 2-for-3, 5 RBIs and his 8th and 9th homer, 3rd and 4th homer in three games, five homers in four games, six homers in a week, and the only player even close to as hot as him might be Andy Pages.

Bryce Miller – 5 IP, 0 ER, 2 hits, 5 walks, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.52. If you look at it as only seven baserunners, and don’t mention the five walks, then only if you look up his numbers — a 5.6 BB/9! — do you get totally freaked out.

Jack Kochanowicz – 6 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 5.29. Streamonator call at best, and somehow I ended up with him on teams because I’m a dumb person for two-start weeks.

Logan O’Hoppe – 1-for-3 and his 8th homer, and 3rd homer this week. O’happy day!

Royce Lewis – Will play five innings of two games of a doubleheader in Triple-A as the DH. Pretty comical he can’t play two games on the field. Guys, is it alarming if your body can’t stand for four hours with an hour or so break between games? They put Lewis’s DNA under a microscope and it’s sitting in a Barcalounger watching TV.

Tanner Bibee – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 hits, zero walks, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.36. That’s it, keep going in that direction!

Kyle Manzardo – 2-for-3 and his 8th homer, hitting .227. It’s very nice to have Shohei at UTIL, but it sure does suck watching Manzardo sonavabench me every single time.

Ty France – 3-for-4 and his 3rd homer. They call that a French fly.

Logan Webb – 5 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 2.83. Couldn’t make it out of April looking like an ace, huh? Oh, what a tangled Webb we weave…

Willy Adames – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 2nd homer, hitting .212. Thought he signed a seven-year, $182M contract and retired. That’s cool, that I guess he didn’t.

Xander Bogaerts – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 1st homer. “Hey, you could just use a doorstop instead of–Hold on! He moved! Xander is alive!”

Junior Caminero – 3-for-4 and his 6th homer, hitting .266. In a one-run game, Cash pinch-ran for Caminero in the 8th. Unless there was an injury I missed, that seems a bit Mr. Overmanage. Am I crazy or is that crazy?

Taj Bradley – 7 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 4.58. Taj Ma-third-starter-hopefully-headed-to-becoming-an-ace!

Cole Ragans – Being skipped because of his groin. That must be some groin! Noah Cameron is being called up to start. He’s a crafty lefty. “Crafty” is like a real estate agent saying cozy.

Michael Lorenzen – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.48. Wait, it gets better! Streamonator loves his next one, and I’d start him everywhere.

Shota Imanaga – 5 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 2.77, but left with leg cramps. Take a Midol and call me in the morn. (Not a doctor!)

Dansby Swanson – 1-for-3 and his 5th homer, hitting .185. Sticks out like a sore thumb with that average too, because, unlike a lot of other lineups, the Cubs are hitting really well. The more ya know!

Seiya Suzuki – 3-for-4, 3 runs, 2 RBIs, and his 7th homer, hitting .298. Also, in this game, Pete Crow-Armstrong (1-for-4, 2 RBIs) hit his 6th homer. The ball’s bouncy, right? I mean, it has to be, right? BDon mentioned this on one of our preseason podcasts. It could now be the fourth straight odd-numbered years with a bouncy ball, dating back to 2019.

Carson Kelly – 3-for-5, 3 RBIs, and his 7th homer, hitting .370. He’s the number two catcher on the Player Rater, which is so insane—oh my god! There’s a hand poking through the dirt! Ahhh!!! It’s a real-life Zombino!

Andrew Heaney – 4 2/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 2.50. Welp, the 1927 Cubs came-a-callin’ and they got no ‘let up.’ Heaney’s peripherals took a hit yesterday and now he looks like a Streamonator call again.

Kyle Schwarber – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer. Just made up a guy in my head named Charles Schwarber who hits homers and trades stocks. Anyone know this guy?

Zack Wheeler – 6 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.48 vs. MacKenzie Gore – 6 IP, 3 ER, 5 hits, zero walks, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.51. This matchup was billed as, “These guys were right next to each on the Player Rater for starters before yesterday’s game, and I doubt this game changed much.” A bit of an unwieldy billing.

Luis Garcia Jr. – 1-for-2, and his 2nd homer, hitting .242. Ya know what’s gonna happen here, right? People who dropped him are gonna watch him be great on another fantasy team now.

Nathaniel Lowe – 1-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 6th homer, and 2nd homer in two games. So, schmotato if he’s around on waivers. Down to their last strike, Lowe hit that homer off Kerkering and the Nats were in pole position. Good for them–Oh, wait, Finnegan blew it with a ball in the dirt getting by Ruiz.

Bowden Francis – 3 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 5.28. That’s a Frank Black spot on humanity.

Vladimir Guerrero Jr. – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer, hitting .271. On this week’s podcast, BDon and I realize in real time that Teoscar is better than Vlad.

Garrett Crochet – 7 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 6 Ks, ERA at 2.05. There was a lot of free rooms at the W last night.

Rafael Devers – 1-for-4 and his 5th homer, hitting .217. Beginning to think his average should come back a bit, since it’s very hard to hit the ball, uh, as hard as he has, and have that bad of a average. This is me lessening my hate of him. Still think he’s without any speed and needs to keep his shoulder together all year, which is not an easy thing. Easy for a month or three, not for six months.

Alex Bregman – 3-for-5, 3 runs and his 6th homer. I have him in a lot of leagues, not to Breg, man.

Wilyer Abreu – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 6th homer. Wilyer look at that! Also, in this game, Kristian Campbell (2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer, hitting .313), as he continues to be the best rookie. If only there were two great rookies, so I could call them Kristian Camsmith.

Jarren Duran – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer, hitting .273. Get your fingers in the Buy Low window is shutting! By the by, not sure if you heard, but a fan told Duran, that he should’ve killed himself when he was having suicidal ideations, as he talked about on the Netflix Red Sox show, and his teammates held him back from going after that fan. That sucks, I say. There should be a bell rung if a fan says something so heinous. If the bell is heard, then the player can go into the stands and beat up the fan. Like MLB meets UFC. Who wouldn’t want to see this? “Hey, JT Ginn, you slept with my wife and now I’m gonna beat your ass!” Bell rings, and chaos ensues!