The Astros exploded for 17 runs yesterday, and it was the second game in the last three where they scored at least 16 runs. Twins pitching, “Hold my beer…” Am I doing that right? The hero of the Astros’ offense, and a man that is widely known as George Jefferson Springer led the way with 4-for-4, 4 runs and his 12th homer and 13th homers, hitting .265. The only thing missing from George Springer‘s game is saving a baby that is stuck in a tree and/or figuring out a way to ensure future babies don’t get stuck in the same tree (and maybe some steals). Serious question, why is Springer hitting leadoff and Jose Altuve (1-for-4, 2 runs, hitting .319) in the two-hole? It’s not hurting the Astros, but it is hurting my fantasy teams’ RBI totals! Evan Gattis (4-for-6, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his 4th homer) needs to hit cleanup? How about Alex Bregman (2-for-6, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer) hits cleanup, Marwin Gonzalez (2-for-5, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 12th homer) hits fifth, Gattis sixth and Yulieski Gurriel (1-for-5, 1 run, 2 RBIs) hits eighth or lower? Is that the most obvious thing I’ve ever said in my life? Okay, after the time I said, “I’m not going up in any hot air balloon.” All right, also not as obvious as the time I said, “I’m lost,” after driving around for two hours pretending I knew where I was going. Fine, also after the time I said, “I can’t bench press 55 pounds.” After those things, this is the most obvious thing I’ve ever said. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
David Paulino – 4 IP, 2 ER, 8 Ks in his 1st start. Well, I guess it could’ve been a worse stream. If I can’t think it could be better, I need to work on my positive thinking activities.
Carlos Correa – 3-for-6, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 9th homer, hitting .316. Okay, bat looks real, we all knew that, but steal a few bases, doode. It’s for the betterment of fantasy and society, but mostly fantasy.
Brian Dozier – 2-for-5 and his 8th homer, hitting .249. Wake me when he has 20 homers in a six-week span. See, because I bought this new alarm clock that has a Dozier button.
Eddie Rosario – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer, hitting .269. Eddie, are you okay, are you okay, Eddie? Well, Michael, it depends on the size of the league.
Jameson Taillon – Will make another rehab start on Friday. The way this guy keeps taking the ball, you’d think he just lost one.
Paul Goldschmidt – 1-for-6, 2 runs and his 12th homer. Au Shizz!
Zack Godley – 6 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.39. The complex on this guy. I’d say manly, sure. Solidly, okay. Godley? Get over yourself!
Jake Lamb – 3-for-6, 1 run, 2 RBIs, hitting .289. Now has 45 RBIs on the year. That’s good for top 3 in the major leagues. Lamb it, I wish I had him everywhere!
Jake Arrieta – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.60 vs. Padres. Arrieta’s becoming a parenthetical ace, as in, Arrieta’s an ace (vs. lousy teams).
Ryan Schimpf – 1-for-3 and his 14th homer. –pf’s bang!
Brandon Maurer – 1 IP, 0 ER and the save. One of the goofiest things I’ve seen this year, or tings if Drake is reading, Maurer lost the job last week for two games, Padres said they were building up Hand’s trade value, then they immediately switched closer roles back to Maurer. This is goofy even for the Padres, and they have a guy batting leadoff named Franchy.
Eric Thames – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 14th homer. After the game, he insisted people test his urine but everyone declined. Dude, keep your urine!
Keon Broxton – 1-for-4 and his 6th homer. Nothing like facing some scrub pitching– Oh, sorry, it was deGrom. Nothing like facing an ace with likely arm troubles!
Jacob deGrom – 4 IP, 7 ER, ERA up to 3.97. Reaching for that high pitcher in drafts worked out about as well as David Lee Roth’s career post-Van Halen.
Chad Pinder – 3-for-3, 3 RBIs and two homers (6, 7). You combine Pinder and EST and you got some poster board material. Out of his 18 hits on the year, seven have been bombs. His minor league numbers are so yawnstipating. Maybe he can put a ride into some balls, but he’s just as likely to be an Uber driver this offseason.
Sean Manaea – 7 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 3.91. Apparently, at Cleveland was not the pig roast I thought it would be for this Samoan but more of a lacy chocolate cookie with the perfect ratio of coconut, caramel and chocolate. I might’ve messed that up since a pig roast is good too. *shakes fist at analogy generator* You’ve failed me for the last time!
Mike Clevinger – 6 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.10. Would’ve been great to see Danny Salazar relief Clevinger by giving up 7 ER. Like a perfect before and after picture.
Masahiro Tanaka – 5 2/3 IP, 7 ER, ERA up to 6.34. Not a cool thing to do after K’ing 13 in your last start. Not cool at all. Guys and five girls, when a starter has a 6+ ERA in June it’s time to look elsewhere. Forget what you thought you were getting in March.
Welington Castillo – Hit the DL with Jockular Sphincteritis. The Orioles send back Welington Castillo to the DL more often than Gordon Ramsay sends back Beef Wellington on Hell’s Kitchen.
Adam Jones – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 5 RBIs and his 9th homer, hitting .267. Okay, I’m absolutely positive he was back in the lineup last night.
Chris Davis – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 11th homer. The way he hits homers is as good as money, I swear by stars above, sweet as honey! Okay, now I’m just singing Steve Winwood.
Kevin Gausman – 5 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 13 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 5.92. See blurb for Tanaka, and round up 5.92 to six.
Alex Avila – 1-for-5 and his 7th homer, hitting .313. Yes, instead of Gary Sanchez and Lucroy, you would’ve been better off with Alex Avila. Don’t beat yourself up about it, flog yourself for drafting a top catcher.
Victor Martinez – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 5th homer, hitting .270. Not having a great season. Know who he’s having a better season than? Miguel Cabrera. Yup.
Justin Upton – Left yesterday’s game with a quad strain. Tigers are calling him day-to-day. Hope he’s got unlimited minutes.
Marcell Ozuna – 3-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 14th homer, and 2nd in as many games. OZUNA sorry Grey started Nola. Thanks, OZUNA. OZUNA very considerate.
Justin Bour – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 14th and 15th homers, hitting .288. Bour, Smoak and Alonso is this year’s Sophie’s Choice, only there’s no losers. Yes, that’s the only difference between Sophie’s Choice and three power-only 1st basemen.
Dan Straily – 6 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 9 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 3.56. Stream-o-Nator had a positive score on Straily’s start, and I would’ve streamed him in any leagues yesterday. His peripherals are actually close to ownable in every league — 9.5 K/9, 3.7 BB/9.
Dee Gordon – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 1 RBI and his 16th steal, hitting .289, as he hits leadoff again, because, well, he should’ve always been hitting leadoff. In one ‘pert league, our very own Rudy Gamble traded McCullers for Gordon. Pretty much a needs trade, and he needs’ed some SAGNOF.
Giancarlo Stanton – Dealing with hamstring cramps, but hopes to play today. He’d play today if he just let me near him to massage his thighs with hot wax and a fleshlight.
Aaron Nola – 3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 5.06. Well, this is working out about as well as Kevin Spacey playing a love interest. It’s totally believable he’s straight! Could Nola be injured? My money says everyone’s injured, so yeah. In shallower leagues, time to look elsewhere.
Matt Kemp – 2-for-4 and his 10th homer and 2nd homer in as many games, hitting .345. Kemp’s having a sneakily productive year. Says a lot about him that he can be sneakily productive and not just productive. Mostly says not to expect such productivity all year.
Jaime Garcia – 7 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 3.18 vs. Jesse Chavez – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.68. This matchup was billed as, “What does the Stream-o-Nator say? Brought to you by AMPM’s Toomgis, the snack food mascot designed by a committee of stoners.”
Eric Young – 2-for-2 and his 1st homer. We don’t need no stinkin’ Trouts!
Joey Votto – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 14th homer. Because I’ve said everything that could possibly be said about Votto, I looked at his career numbers for HOF consideration. Know who he looks like? Right now, at least. You’re not gonna guess, huh? Looks like Kirby Puckett. More power and OBP for Votto, but he may not even pass 2,000 career hits, unless he plays to 40, and he does not seem to be that type.
Scott Schebler – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 16th homer. Another Hall of Fame candidate, only with parenthesis, so it’s the Hall of Fame (for the 1st half of the 2017 fantasy baseball season), but still it’s a fully-sanctioned Hall of Fame.
Jose Peraza – 2-for-4, 1 RBI and his 13th and 14th steals, and four steals in two games. He could steal 20 bags in a month. No foolsies.
Devon Travis – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer, 4th homer in the last nine games, hitting near-.400 in the last week. You know a schmotato when you see one.
Luke Maile – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer. Maile in French means, “the sound one makes when they remove their cigarette to say something, but decide it’s best left unsaid.”
Hyun-Jin Ryu – 6 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.91. If I thought he’d get another start in five days, I’d be all about him. As of now, I think he has to go down to the end of the line of Dodgers starters, back by the SuperPretzel stand.
Carlos Martinez – 8 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 3.08. He’s number seven. Number seven of what, you ask with your puppy dog eyes. Number seven out of ten for actual reliable starters this year.
Dexter Fowler – 1-for-4 and his 7th homer, hitting .228. His 8th inning jobber was a blast off Ross Stripling, who I have in numerous leagues. I call him the poor man’s Chris Devenski or Devensnowshoes.
James Paxton – 5 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 1.26, as he was activated from the DL. I looked at the box score in the 2nd inning, and he had a perfect game, and Paxton’s the type you do that with and it could actually happen. Good to have you back, Pax — Bax? — Stay a little while now.
Drew Pomeranz – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 4.24. Two straight solid starts for Pomeranz…*looks at the Stream-o-Nator* ….and I wouldn’t trust him for him next one.
Joe Nathan – Released by the Nationals. My $5 parlay bet in Vegas that the Nationals would be known by September as the Washington Nathanals looks like a bust.
Ryan Zimmerman – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 15th homer. Damn, he’s bringing the antifreeze to getting cold! That sounds like a Stuart Scott saying. RIP.
Max Scherzer – 9 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 11 Ks, ERA at 2.56. I’d say he’s two or three of ten. See Carlos Martinez’s blurb for what the ten are. Hey, this is like a Choose Your Own Adventure.
Austin Bibens-Dirkx – 4 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 4.50. Admirable start for a 32-year-old rookie. Austin Bibens-Dirkx should become synonymous for when you’re starting something late in life. “At 42, you’re having your first child? You really Austin Bibens-Dirkx’d a family.” “Going back to college at 50? Damn, you go ahead with your Austin Bibens-Dirkx self.” “You’re a 30-year-old virgin? You need to Austin Bibens-Dirkx a prostitute, stat.”
Steven Souza – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 10th homer, hitting .275. Damn, Souza is working hard for that lede in Friday’s buy. He’s got 40 homers this week alone while hitting .975! Okay, little less, but not much less.
Kevin Kiermaier – 1-for-5 and his 6th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. Rays’ hitting is hot or the Rangers’ pitching terrible? You say tomato, I say hot schmotato.
Logan Morrison – 2-for-3, 2 runs and hit his 15th homer. Am I having a fever dream or would I have been better waiting until the 35th round of every draft before taking my 1st baseman?
Matt Andriese – Hit the DL. Baseball is no longer baseball, it’s now the Hunger Games. The team with one healthy starter at the end of the season wins the World Series. “We’re here with Luis Perdomo and the World Series-winning Padres.” *gets sprayed in his face* “Quite the celebration in the Padres’ locker room. There’s the Padres’ trainer over there and…” *looks around* “Is that kid with the club? Well, they only needed one healthy player to win.”
