You’re gonna say, “C’mon, Grey, you’re putting us on, like you put on a shirt to perfectly complement your handsome face,” but I was at an art gallery yesterday and looking at this piece of (f)art right when Robert Gasser was called up:
Guys and five girls, that’s what you call synergy. I swear I’m not pulling your finger. Something in the air, you might say, just at the right moment. The Fartgiest, if you will. So, Robert Gasser’s got some helium. Here’s Itch, “At 6’’0″ 192 lbs with a low-90’s fastball, Robert Gasser gets by on guile and command of a diverse arsenal, a combination he rode to a 9-1 record and 3.79 ERA across 135.1 innings pitching mostly in unforgiving environments. The 1.28 WHIP isn’t ideal, but allowing 0.80 HR/9 in that setting is. Can a slider, curveball, changeup lefty thrive in our game? I think so. Milwaukee butters its bread on maximizing guys like Gasser, and to butter bread you need a knife, which I can think of other uses for.” Uhh, okay. Gasser has been at Triple-A for three years, which is hilariously stupid. You’re starting guys like Joe Ross and wasting MiLB arms? Okay. This year hasn’t been especially kind to Gasser. Command to pot, homers up, but Ks still good. In most mixed leagues, I’d wait see if this is anything more than a spot start or in case Gasser leaves you in the crapper. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Jake Bauers – 1-for-4 and his 3rd homer. Ah, now I see why they sent Tyler Black back down–NO I DON’T! Who starts a guy’s clock in the majors, then completely ruins their confidence by sending them down after hitting him third?
Joey Ortiz – 1-for-4 and his 3rd homer, hitting .267, and not playing anywhere near everyday, because they traded Corbin Burnes to platoon Ortiz. I think the Brewers’ front office might need a smudging.
Rhys Hoskins – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer, and his 2nd homer in as many games. Fun fact! Ho’skins is the name of the condom that sat in your wallet unused for three years of high school.
Willson Contreras – Underwent successful surgery. Was originally out 6-8 weeks, but received a new timetable of 10 weeks. Guess successful was in quotes.
Sonny Gray – 5 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 2.29. My teams were hit hard this week by the Regression Fairies, like a frat guy in the opening minutes of an episode of Queer Eye.
Logan Gilbert – 4 IP, 8 ER, ERA at 2.94. People confuse when I say don’t draft top pitchers with somehow I know they’ll be awful. I don’t. I am merely saying all pitchers, great ones and not great ones, have an insane amount of volatility. Gilbert had one bad inning yesterday and now will need a few weeks of starts to rid himself of that stench. A hitter has a bad game….shoot, a bad week, and it’s whatever. Gilbert had a bad time through an order and it ruined everything.
Max Kepler – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer, hitting .329. Wait a week and he’ll tag out to the IL and let back in Buxton or Lewis. Twins hitters on the carous-IL. For the realsies, I almost wrote a Kepler sleeper post this past preseason, but figured that would be a total yawn. He does look like a solid backend fantasy outfielder.
Ryan Jeffers – 1-for-2, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer, hitting .306. Once again, punting catcher in drafts proves itself to be the way, Mandolarians.
Pablo Lopez – 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 4 hits, zero walks, 10 Ks, ERA at 3.89. Buy Low window might be shutting soon, if not already, but he’s much closer to a 2.89 ERA pitcher than 3.89.
Eduardo Rodriguez – Nearing a throwing program. Dude had a lat issue that is taking longer to heal than some fractured wrists. Do EdRod and Casas go to the same doctor, and is that Dr. Leo Spaceman?
Joc Pederson – 3-for-5, 2 runs and a slam (4) and legs (1), hitting .302. Dan Cortese has been rocking Joc, why won’t you? Because he’s a platoon player? Okay, fine.
Paul Sewald – 1 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 4.50 and his 1st save. Yay, Road Rules’ Torey Luvollo remembered he has a healthy closer.
Slade Cecconi – 5 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 4.15. Streamonator has Slade’s, uh, slate, headed home to face the same Reds’ lineup. Always tricky when a guy sees the same lineup again. Do they adjust? And I’m not speaking about their protective cups.
Jeimer Candelario – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 4th homer, and five for his last nine. Meant to say this the other day, Jeimer seims to be coming out of his early-season slump. He won’t be in this afternoon’s Buy column but he could’ve been if he weren’t here right now.
Hunter Greene – 5 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners (5 BBs), 6 Ks, ERA at 3.38. You know I’m all about the Greene. Pound for pound or Euro for Euro, he has some of the nastiest stuff. Sadly, I don’t have a stuff category.
Brenton Doyle – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 4th homer. It’s very weird to be so uninterested in all Rockies hitters, even when they’re in Coors.
Michael Conforto – 2-for-3 and his 7th homer, and 2nd homer in the last two games. I’d say schmotato but he’s been in Coors so kinda defeats the possible heat.
Keaton Winn – 3 2/3 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 5.63. Did you start Kyle Harrison and Jordan Hicks in Coors this week? Then try Winn? [smacks hand] Stop being gluttonous! You’re the Augustus Gloop of fantasy baseball.
Anthony Volpe – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer. Been a solid draft pick. Speaking of the Yanks, and, not to be obtuse, but has Gleyber retired?
Aaron Judge – 1-for-4 and his 9th homer, hitting .236. I’ve given Judge about as much shizz as anyone and I am thinking I was panicked for no reason. He’s one hot week from leading the majors in homers and hitting a respectable .260.
Marcus Stroman – 5 2/3 IP, 4 ER, 11 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.80. Something that might not be true but absolutely feels correct: Stroman always finishes within 0.15 of 3.70 ERA.
Ronel Blanco – 5 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners (4 BBs), 5 Ks, ERA at 2.23. Going into yesterday’s game, he was the 18th best starter on the Player Rater, right in front of Trevor Williams. That is the funniest shizz i’ve ever said. Trevor Effin’ Williams!
Yordan Alvarez – 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 8th homer. 42 more! Am I being too optimistic at this point? No! How dare you!
Jon Singleton – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer. Singleton hasn’t been on this much of a heater since he went to a Cheech ‘n Chong double feature. He’ll be in this afternoon’s buy, because of course he will.
Jose Ramirez – 1-for-4 and his 8th homer, 3rd homer this week, and 3rd time this week I’m saying back in March you were pretty meh on drafting JoJoRam with your 2nd pick.
Josh Naylor – 2-for-4 and his 10th homer, hitting .277. It’s Josh Yaylor to you!
Erick Fedde – 6 IP, 0 ER, 6 hits, zero walks, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.00 vs. Ben Lively – 5 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 11 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 2.63. This matchup was billed as, “It’s a party in Spanish, because it’s Lively con Fedde.”
Vinnie Pasquantino – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 5th homer. Pasketti don’t forgetti how to hitti!
Dairon Blanco – 3-for-3, 4 runs, 2 RBIs and a slam (1) and double legs (9, 10). That’s nice for the one person who has him in a league. What I’d like to ask is: Did Luis Rengifo ever exist? Did I make him up in my head? He used to play, right?
Michael Wacha – 6 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners (5 BBs), 6 Ks, ERA at 5.15. As I said yesterday, look at the Angels’ lineup and tell me why you wouldn’t start anyone vs. that dreck. It has Willie Calhoun and Cole Tucker, two guys who would be DFA’d by 29 other teams.
Reid Detmers – 5 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 4.96. His name anagrams to Mr. Tired Seed, which is perfect. “Honey, c’mon, let’s do dirty stuff.” “Sorry, baby, I started an Angels pitcher and now I’m Mr. Tired Seed.”
Luis Guillorme – Traded to the Angels. Whew…The Angels are fixed. Guillorme asked and was given Trout’s number. People around the clubhouse were calling him Captain and Ron Washington said the lineup “was up to Luis.”
