Let’s break this down like Murray Chass would want it. Felix Hernandez has the 2nd best ERA in the AL, fourth most Ks, and 14 wins. When his team needed a win more than anything, so Grey (me) could possibly collect on a preseason bet he foolishly made for the Mariners to win the World Series, Felix choked up 8 ER in 4 2/3 IP, raising his ERA to 2.34. Felix has the 2nd best xFIP, 3rd best WAR for a pitcher and 8th best K-rate, but since we’re doing this as Murray would’ve wanted it, “What the flip is xFIP and I fought in Dubya Dubya Two and F-Her doesn’t know anything about WAR! Now stop with the Pollyanna chicken crap!” Did F-Her just lose the Cy Young award? He did if all the voters are subjected to a fifteen minute wait in a post office line with Mr. Chass. “Mr. Chass, did you print out an email to snail mail it?” “I don’t trust the internet!” Did the Mariners just lose all hope at the playoffs? F-Her, you effed me. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Psyche! Before we get into the roundup, here’s our last baseball podcast of the season. It was Nick and I going at it old school with just his lovely voice and my screeching. No video this time because Nick’s growing out his mole hairs for the winter. (Don’t ask; he’s Canadian.) We discuss players for 2015 and what to expect, and, of course, I sing. Like a baller! Anyway II, here’s the roundup (and podcast):
Jose Bautista – 2-for-3, 3 runs. Gotta love when guys finish strong. Or just finish a sentence with the word strong.
Marcus Stroman – Won’t make another start this year when he returns from his suspension. The writing on the wall was there for this, only you couldn’t read it because it was a 15-year-old tagger writing it in bubble letters. Stop with the bubble letters, graffiti artists, it’s impossible to read.
R.A. Dickey – 7 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA down to 3.78. Pretty forgettable year from Dickey. Too bad, a guy named Dickey with a knuckleball has so much promise.
Juan Lagares – Won’t return this season due to his elbow sprain. Hopefully he can put his outstanding defense to good use this winter. “Clean up in aisle 5–Forget it, Lagares made the grab! And what a grab it was!”
Jenrry Mejia – Will have hernia surgery on October 2nd once the season ends. If Dr. James Andrews performs the operation, he’ll put an elbow tendon in his testicles, so Mejia can throw with his penis like he’s a jai alai player.
Wilmer Flores – 2-for-4, 2 runs and hitting around .300 in the last week. Not exactly turning on the ball with authority, but he could be a slight hot schmotato in the final days.
Denard Span – Left yesterday’s game after a diving catch. I didn’t see it, but I like to think he robbed a hit and, it was so nice, he was carried out of the stadium by two doves with the announcer saying, “What a beautiful wing Span.”
Tanner Roark – 6 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 1 K, ERA down to 2.85. Put on your red vest, future boy, and think about next year’s draft. Where’s Roark gonna go? Before the top 200 overall? Around 175? Probably, I’d guess. That’s a guy with a 2.85 ERA. Sure, his peripherals aren’t sterling, but still. Roark’s next start looks nice on the Stream-o-Nator, but I don’t trust any pitchers going on the last days of the season, especially not ones on playoff-bound teams.
Adam LaRoche – 2-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 26th homer. Last year he had a lousy year, year before a terrific year, year before that not good at all. Can anyone say Saberhagenmetrics? If you can’t, you might want to see a speech therapist.
Kevin Kiermaier – Missed yesterday’s game with an illness. If this news affected your fantasy team’s fortunes in any way, you have much bigger fish to fry.
Alex Cobb – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA down to 2.75. He ended up not having quite as dominating a year as I would’ve hoped for him in the preseason, but that has less to do with his ratios, and more to do with the time he missed due to his injury. His preseason projected ratios: 2.96/1.09. His numbers now: 2.75/1.12. He still has one more start to give up some runs and no hits.
Matt Joyce – 2-for-4 and his 9th homer. The team with Joyce that was abandoned in April is kicking ass!
Mike Minor – Won’t make his final start. If only he didn’t make his first 25 starts.
Gerrit Cole – 7 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA down to 3.78. I’ll say only this, even Harang’s ERA is lower than that.
Tony Watson – 1 IP, 0 ER and his 2nd save because Melancon had gone too many days in row. Speaking of Watson, anyone watch the Sherlock BBC show? Why does everyone love this and I can’t get past the 3rd episode? Am I stupid? Don’t answer that. Just can’t get past not liking Benedict Cumberland Farms. Wawa, my loss, I guess.
Joe Mauer – Left yesterday’s game with a bruised elbow. If anyone can get put on a 15-day DL with only five days left, Mauer’s the man!
Trevor Plouffe – 4-for-4, 1 run. I just love when my batty calls do well the day after I drop them. Plouffe goes my head through a wall!
Ender Inciarte – 4-for-5, 1 run, 1 RBI. Okay, no idea where this was when he was in Coors this past weekend, but he now has multiple hits in two straight games with a steal, and any guy that has a four-hit night is a strong candidate for a hot schmotato. No time to wait and I’d grab him now.
Nelson Cruz – 3-for-5 and his 40th homer. The Cruz family were all watching from their living room, celebrating until his militant brother said Nelson better not get injured in the postseason and ruin his contract year. Boras shushed him, sitting next to a single mother, whose poonanny he was shoplifting.
Nick Markakis – 4-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 13th homer. Reggie Jackson is my Jesus, and I hate seeing guys tie him for most homers in a World Series game, but wouldn’t mind seeing Markakis do it, so some suckers overdraft him next year.
Brian McCann – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 23rd homer, and his 3rd homer in the last three games. About as hot a hitting catcher right now. Okay, enough about him, New York Media we need a new update on Tanaka or a fitting tribute to Captain Jetes! Stat!
Angel Pagan – Will have season-ending back surgery on Thursday. The pull of the two dichotomies of men, the Angel and the Pagan, on both his shoulders was too much for his back to handle.
Madison Bumgarner – 7 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks vs. Zack Greinke (8 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks). Bumgarner pitchslapped Greinke in this game for his 4th homer of the year. Joe Mauer also has 4 homers. No judgments, just facts.
Justin Turner – 2-for-4 and two solo homers (6, 7). The Dodgers are having one of those years where everyone contributes. Even Justin Turner. He’s not playing every day, so it’s hard to recommend Turner, and usually he’s only good for slap hits. Right, Tina?
Carlos Gomez – 2-for-3 and a slam (22) and legs (34), hitting .283 on the year. You can say what you want about the Brewers, and I will. They seem as if they are only interested in individual stats. Well, none of my fantasy leagues have a category for Team Wins for the Player, so whatevs.
Mike Fiers – 5 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 3 Ks. Fiers strikes me– Are you a match? Stop punny brain! He strikes me as a guy that will be overdrafted next year by people who think they’re smarter than the average fantasy baseballer and it will come back to haunt them.
Johnny Cueto – 8 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks, moving his ERA to 2.29 and his record to 19-9. He’s hoping to catch the bouquet from Kershaw at the Cy Young ceremony.
Todd Frazier – 2-for-4 and his 28th homer. Frazier was one of many guys I went over in today’s podcast. My shizz was so eloquent I sounded like a Brit asking Nick to pass a crumpet. Or I sounded like, “Um, yeah, well, yeah, um, true.” I’ll let you see which it is.
Devin Mesoraco – 1-for-3 and his 25th homer. Wait until you see where he ended up in the end-of-the-season rankings for catchers that are coming next week. I’ll give you a hint, you could just look at our Player Rater.
Jake Smolinski – 3-for-4, hitting .377. If I would’ve drafted Smolinski instead of Rios and just played Jake all year, I would’ve been better off. Smolinski has hits in nine of his past ten games and two homers in that time. I gave you a Smolinski post last week, and nothing’s changed, he’s still hot schmolinskiing.
Jake Petricka – 0 IP, 1 ER and his 6th loss. Ah, the ol’ Robin Ventura confidence booster!
Adam Eaton – 2-for-4, 1 run, hitting near-.350 in the last week, as he returned from his one-day absence for a family issue. He must not be Italian or Jewish. My family couldn’t decide where to go to dinner in one day.
David Price – 8 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.36, and the no decision because wins are stupid. Know what’s stupider? That players who are traded intra-league keep their stats, and the players’ stats traded between leagues don’t track. Now that we have interleague games in September, can’t we just keep the stats the same? For serious, it annoys me. Possibly only me. Okay, moving on.
Shelby Miller – 4 1/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA up to 3.74. Well, there’s always the postseason for people to get unnecessarily jazzed over Miller.
Matt Szczur – 1-for-3 and his 2nd homer. Someone buy this guy a vowel. Reading his last name has been known to cause epilepsy.
Welington Castillo – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 13th homer. NL-Only’ers who own him rejoice, everyone else looks at their waivers for Welington saying, “Where’s the boeuf?”
Kyle Hendricks – 5 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA up to 2.46. Don’t think the Stream-o-Nator has liked any of his starts all year, and his last one of the year on Sunday is no different. He won’t get you Ks, but I’d stream if I were desperate.
Sonny Gray – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 12 Ks, ERA down to 3.21. Leave it to my boy to throw a junky start last week for you right before he throws arguably his best start of the year. A chip off the ol’ mustache.
Danny Salazar – 4 2/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA up to 4.25. While I go to the bathroom, I’m going to leave my drink with this nice man who is carrying a cooler that is dripping blood. *five hours later* Why am I in this tub full of ice? Am I doing the Ice Bucket Challenge? And why is my kidney being dropped into a Ziploc bag? AH!!! Roofie!!!
Yordano Ventura – 7 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA down to 3.07. I guess I should’ve started him instead of Alex Wood. Alas, I did too many drugs as a youth and my smarts went out the…what’s that thing you open to get air into your house? The Stream-o-Nator is pretty meh on his last start of the year, and, even though it doesn’t take this into consideration, I would be careful of him only throwing a few innings as the Royals rev their engine for the playoffs.
Alex Gordon – 2-for-4, 2 runs and 2 RBIs, hitting .265. It would be easier to say who didn’t have multiple hits yesterday in the Royals starting lineup, Aoki, Alcides, Infante and Mostsuckass. Okay, so only five guys out of nine did have multiple hits. I didn’t say it was a huge difference between the haves and have nots. What do you think this is? The American class system?
Henderson Alvarez – 7 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA down to 2.70. Mr. NyQuility Start puts you to sleep with his nighttime, no Ks, low baserunners, stuffyhead, fever, so-you-can-rest-easy starter. The Stream-o-Nator doesn’t like his next start, but it also doesn’t realize he’s going to get a B-lineup by the Nats and I’d start Alavarez.
Jonathan Papelbon – Will take over the closer job again as he returned from his suspension for grabbing his crotch. Might think twice before making another Papelboner.
Cole Hamels – 7 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.47, moving his record to 9-8. Hamels seems like the first guy to don his flashiest purple suit for a bachelor’s auction with his wife at home thinking he went to watch The Notebook at a revival theater, so this bad win karma couldn’t have happened to a nicer guy.
Today, I’ll leave the last word to frequent commenter, Nick the Dick:
Razzball Razzball, wanna win a title?
Then follow all of Grey’s posts like he’s your f*ckin idol,
Up in the league, head to head, points or roto,
Got a question for G, Rudy or J-FOH,
Ask Smokey, Mike, Sky, or Ralph cuz they know,
Which moves to make and every hot schmotato,
You need a quick answer? Just ask,
“This trade sounds solid for me.” Cool, word to Grey’s mustache,
Damn, my staff getting smashed and I have better guys than he has,
When the hell is Taijuan gonna finish rehab?!,
I can’t lie, losing Jose Fernandez hurts,
But Iwakuma is my new love jones slurp SLURP,
Oh, he gave up five runs today? Burp,
Yes! It was a ticker shock, four of ’em unearned,
But I started a hodgepadre and got burned,
So I guess I’m starting Wheeler in Coors Field,
And if I bite the silver bullet it’s not really a big deal,
Cuz I got tied to the WHIPping post, my ERA is ruined,
God dammit, what is the Sciosciapath doing?
Leaving Weaver in for 120 pitches and he blew it,
Tough year for saves, the closepocalypse was born,
You bought a $12 salad while I’m riding a Donkeycorn,
So you better handcuff ya closers,
Ya took Cano first round and look at me with Brian Dozier,
You just a player hater cuz I have three guys tops on the player rater,
And I’m a chronic rosterbator-slash-master trader,
But my guys falling apart at the seams, like Corey Hart’s knees,
And I can’t take another visit to Dr. Freeze! Please! Please!
CarGo and Tulo are injured every time they sneeze,
In five leagues with four injury-plagued teams,
Ryan Zimmerman down, poof,
Who’s the better fill in, Cody Asche or Trevor Plouffe?
Is it finally time to drop Jay Bruce?
Devin Mesoraco or Oso Blanco?
And who’s the better stash, Taveras or Polanco?
But really the best ‘stache is Grey’s, Cust kayin’,
Stop asking if you should drop Gyorko, just play him,
I pull off slick trades, I’m diabolical,
I watch prospects like a cyclops with a monocle,
I’m sick of Billy Butler, Country Breakfast, Mr. Ham and Eggs,
Hoping Adam Jones can get me a slam and legs,
I need that sweet sweet SAGNOF, so gimme some sugar, um, Cain,
If Yu Darvish finished that no hitter I woulda came,
I’m just razzin ya, if you got power I’m grabbin ya,
For a batty call, that is all I need cuz i’m havin’ a,
Nice week, but this start against the Jays is giving me anxiety,
But I’m part of the Corey Kluber society,
So I’m throwing him and throwing caution to the wind,
If I throw Gausman you think he’ll get me a win?
Estrada gave up another bomb I can’t stand him,
How the hell you give up three in Crayola Canyon?
And if I have to look at Wade Miley’s smugshot for another second,
After I forgot to play Heyward and sonavabenched him,
Imma go off the deep end, but pitching is so deep and,
I hope you didn’t take a starter before round ten,
All you gotta do is get your Razzball on,
And if you didn’t and you lost your league you know where you went wrong,
Eff listening to Matty Berry or the ‘Get Him In Your Lineup’ guys,
Keep this site in your sight and keep your eyes on the prize.