Hey, guys and five non-guys, Dylan Bundy has awoken my nethers. But can I “stay awoken” as the kids say? The kids don’t say that, do they? Please, I’m woke AF! Though, I am confused why kids go around abbreviating Abercrombie and Fitch. When I was a kid, we spelled out Abercrombie and Fitch and had summer songs about girls that wore Abercrombie and Fitch. LFO was AF! Yesterday, Dylan Bundy went 9 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 2 walks, 12 Ks, ERA at 3.94. An Orioles starter with an ERA under 4! It’s an early Rhystmas miracle! Drop the balloons from the ceiling, Party City! So, looking under the hood, in a non-sexual way, leaves me a little yawnstipated on Bundy. His K/9 is 7.9, BB/9 is 2.6 and a 4.73 xFIP. His velocity’s down this year, but he pitched in relief some last year, so maybe not the best gauge. For 2018, I see nothing here to be excited about, but maybe he puts together a great September, and makes like Fonzie’s horse and says nay to the negativity. I’d continue to ignore him in shallower mixed leagues or use the Stream-o-Nator. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Manny Machado – 2-for-4 and his 29th and 30th homer, hitting .268. He salvaged his season better than Ozark salvaged their Breaking Bad comparisons.
Welington Castillo – 1-for-3 and his 15th homer, hitting .290. If Keith Law would’ve said six years ago, Welington would be the best catcher to ever play the game, it would make more sense in retrospect than what he said about Wieters at the time.
Jonathan Schoop – 1-for-3 and his 29th homer, hitting .304. Gets no love. No idea why, but absolutely none.
Luke Weaver – 5 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 2.48, and his K/9 is 11.4. I get worried when I see K/9’s that are higher in the majors than the minors, but Weaver did have a 1.99 ERA in 53 minor league starts. A third pitch would be helpful, of course. A manager that didn’t leave him in 15 pitches too long when he had an eight run lead would also be solid. He throws 93 MPH with a 85 MPH change. There’s a curve too, but it hasn’t been super effective. For 2018, I see a guy that I’m going to like more than I likely should, leading me to yell, “Uncle, Luke,” but me so horny for strikeouts. For this year, Luke should be owned, and better than you saying, “Luke, you are my waiver wire fodder.”
Matt Carpenter – 1-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs, hitting .244. Weird thought, but do you think Rhysus used to be Carpenter?
Eric Thames – 1-for-4 and his 28th homer, and 28th home run against a team with a red uniform. Yo, did they have red backgrounds in Korea? Did they play right up against the DMZ and North Korea was where home runs went and it was all as red as the eye could see? I got questions, y’all!
Joe Nathan – Retired from baseball. I wonder what Nathan’s gonna do with all his used up tendons now. *cut to reverse angle, person takes a bite of a hot dog* Ew…
Jorge Polanco – 2-for-3, and a double slam (8, 9) and legs (10). Now has six homers in the last nine games. El oh WUT. If only you sent your sister to your fantasy baseball draft so she drafted Jorge Polanco instead of Gregory Polanco.
Jose Abreu – 4-for-4, 1 run, 2 RBIs, hitting .303. If he gets to 32 HRs, .300 and 100 RBIs, it’s gonna be hard to see the difference between him and a ton of other flashier 1B next year like Rizzo.
Jackie Bradley Jr. – Will be activated on Saturday. JBJ hoping to return with an HBI. That’s ‘bat’ not ‘beef.’
David Price – Will throw off a mound on Wednesday. On Thursday, he’s going to receive a damages estimate from ants whose mound he was standing on.
Chris Sale – 7 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 11 Ks, ERA at 2.77. I can’t wait to hear the endless postseason debate about throwing Sale on only three days rest. Sorry, I meant to put that in sarcastic font.
Andrew Benintendi – 2-for-4, 1 RBI and his 16th and 17th steal, hitting .276. Also, in this game, Rajai Davis (2-for-4, 2 runs) stole his 27th and 28th bag and Mookie Betts (1-for-4) stole his 20th. All the steals came against Miguel Montero. You think Theo gave some trade secrets to his old club? “Hey, guys, can’t talk long, but Montero sucks. Pass it on.”
Hanley Ramirez – 1-for-4 and his 20th homer. Hanley plays with such gusto I’m less surprised when he hits a home, than when he runs around the bases on a home run.
Carlos Correa – On track to return Friday. His Google alerts must be going off, Houston and Correa are dominating the news cycle.
Mike Fiers – 4 IP, 8 ER, ERA up to 4.55, in a home game in Tampa. In all seriousness, or Fiersousness, as the case may be, if a starter is good at home and they’re the home starter in a game that needs to be played on the road in a neutral park, do they lose all their home appeal? I started Fiers yesterday because I figured Tampa was still a good stadium for him, or at least neutral. Yeah, that didn’t work out so well.
Joey Gallo – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and a slam (36) and legs (7), as he was activated from the DL. Hopefully he doesn’t return from the concussion with amnesia, thinking he’s a slap hitter. Yelling to a fan who caught a home run, “Throw it back! I wanna stretch it into a triple!”
Shin-Soo Choo – 3-for-6, 3 runs, 4 RBIs and his 17th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. Get on the Choo schmotato train!
Elvis Andrus – 4-for-5, 3 runs, hitting .303. If only I accidentally drafted Andrus instead of Odor, then I wouldn’t be watching TV and see commercials for deodorizers that, “Eliminate an odor,” and think, “That sounds wonderful.” Wait, that makes no sense, everyone wants odors eliminated, Rougned or otherwise.
Miguel Cabrera – Out with a stiff back for his games in Coors. Few days after the bell rang, but I’m gonna go ahead and give the TKO to Austin Romine.
Nolan Arenado – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 30th homer. I’ve managed to collect chin hair from every member of ZZ Top, even the one who doesn’t have a beard. Wanna see my collection–NOOOOO!!! Torenado!!!
DJ LeMahieu – 1-for-2, 3 runs and his 7th homer, hitting .314. Now has three homers in the last four games. Not bad for a guy named after a girl from Full House.
German Marquez – 6 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 4.18. I’m not being obstinate when I say not to go near him. How could I, I don’t even know what obstinate means!
Chris Flexen – 4 2/3 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 6.89. I can’t believe I actually fell for the banana in the ol’ tailpipe by picking up a Mets starter. Not gonna name any names, but there was a certain Mets fan in the comments that sold me on this guy. Now my entire team is soiled!
Scott Schebler – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 5 RBIs and his 26th homer, hitting .241. Honestly, seriously, awkwardly into a sentence, if it wasn’t for those two months when Schebler had a sore shoulder, he’d prolly be sniffing a 35-homer season.
Adam Duvall – 1-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 31st homer, hitting .254. He’s easily headed for 100 RBIs and 35 homers this year. Next year, crickets again when he’s drafted. You hit below .255 and fantasy baseballers (<–my mom’s term!) give you the cold shoulder.
Matt Moore – 5 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 5.49. Oh, Matt, it was the Padres, man. Be ashamed. Be very ashamed.
Joe Panik – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 9th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. No panic, but Panik? Hot schmotato alert!
Manuel Margot – 1-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 13th homer. HBO needs to buy the Padres, and make them must-watch and change Manuel into MarGOT.
Ben Zobrist – 2-for-4 and his 10th homer, and 2nd homer in the last four games. Meh, maybe a light schmotato. Or as Joe Maddon says, “If you play Zobrist for almost 350 ABs, eventually he’s going to make you look good!”
Jake Arrieta – 6 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.36. His peripherals have actually been worse in the 2nd half, but, since his 2nd half ERA is 1.78, no one gives a flying fudge.
Alex Wood – Will return on Sunday at San Diego. Yo, Endorphin Ralph, you better move him up to first starter overall!
Corey Seager – Day-to-day with a sore elbow. Who do you think you are, Seager? A Mets pitcher?
Rich Hill – 3 2/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 3.71. Trying to lower an ERA in a fantasy league is like going up the Matterhorn, and it took a whole lot of tryin’ to get up there, Hill!
Paul Goldschmidt – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 32nd homer. Au Shizz!
A.J. Pollock – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer, and 2nd homer in the last three games. Apparently, he just needed a Sell to become a Buy. Figures for a Pollock.
Yasiel Puig – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 24th homer, hitting .260. When Puig lets one fly!
Giancarlo Stanton – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 51st homer. Yes, Giancarlo is a heartthrob to match 1989’s Andy Garcia. I agree with you, but here’s a ridiculous note. He would need to hit 22 homers in the last 30 games to tie Bonds’ home run record. Bonds needed 16 homers at this point, and that’s still a crazy amount!
Edwin Jackson – 6 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners (4 BBs), 5 Ks, ERA at 2.94. I need to put on my stockings when I look at this guy on waivers, because I see him, and want to pick him up, but I keep getting cold feet.
Trea Turner – 1-for-4, 1 run as he was activated from the DL. Even if he just hits .240 with some runs and steals, I’m totally happy with that for September. I just jinxed him, didn’t I? Was asking that question un-jinxing him? This jinxing stuff is confusing. I need a nap. *sets alarm for five minutes, alarm goes off, shoots up in bed like Dicky Fox from Jerry Maguire* I’m ready to go!
C.J. Cron – 2-for-3, 4 RBIs and his 11th and 12th homer. Or twelve times this year The Sciosciapath thought to himself, “Hey, why didn’t I bench Cron?”
Matt Joyce – 1-for-3 and his 20th homer, hitting .233. He’s doing what I was hoping this year from Adam Lind. Yes, this is about me!
Matt Olson – 1-for-4 and his 10th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. Conspiracy Alert! The A’s cut their budget at the trading deadline and are carrying one Matt with three surnames.
Brad Miller – 1-for-3 and his 7th homer. You know when you have a one night stand and then end up dating the person without ever formally announcing you’re dating? That’s what happened to me and Brad Miller. I grabbed him for the batty call the other day, forgot he was on my team, then, for our second date, I let him hit a home run and now we’re going steady.
Jake Junis – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 4.41. Nothing’s changed from the last time I went over Junis. If you’re like, “Oh, that! Wait, what was that?” Search the site for Junis, and make me me .000000000001 of a cent.
Whit Merrifield – 1-for-5 and his 16th homer. He snapped the Royals’ scoreless streak at 45 2/3 IP, which was tied for 3rd longest. The other two longer streaks without scoring were by employees of Elias Sports Bureau.
Eric Hosmer – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 22nd homer, hitting .320. What’s a baby Joey called? A Hosmer. Trick question! Hmm, maybe that was a trick answer.
Danny Duffy – Was charged with a DUI after he passed out in a Burger King drive-thru. “We would’ve let it slide,” said the Burger King drive-thru person, but, “Mr. Duffy kept saying, ‘Gimme a Royale with cheese’ and then when I told him that was a French McDonald’s, he would say, ‘I am Duffman!'” Finally, after twenty minutes, in the drive-thru, Duffy started ordering, “Give me two Chicken Fries, a Whopper, and an MRI!” Then after reading the Burger King signage, “Have it your way, huh? Then give it to me with a Jack and coke, pimple face!”
