What’s the German word for “everyone knows a person is cheating but the umps just want the game to end?” Schaden-fraud feels too perfect like. Dot dot dot. What else was perfect last night? Oh, yeah, Domingo German (9 IP, 9 Ks, ERA at 4.54). How about a German word for I just dropped him in all my leagues because he gave up 10 runs in his last freakin’ start? Uberidiot? Prolly Uberidiöt, because the Germans like that an umlaut. This was the first perfect game since F-Her in 2012, and there were three in 2012. By the way, if you haven’t seen the movie, Tár, it was great. It’s about German’s hands when he’s pitching.

Dane Dunning was supposed to be the lede, but he’ll have to settle for co-lede. He was holding his hands in front of his mouth, screaming like a teenager, “Me?! I get a Razzball lede?! Oh my God!” You come within one out of a complete game shutout with 10 Ks? Yes, you get a lede. Step right up. *begins the formal pat down that every player goes through* I’m sorry, when I tell you to cough, you have to cough otherwise I’ll get arrested, okay? What, you thought you just had to perform well? Ha, silly, you Dane Dunning! So, Dane Dunning (8 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 4 hits, zero walks, 10 Ks, ERA at 2.69) should actually be used to the Razzball spotlight. This might come as surprise to some of youse, but I liked Dunning so much I included him in starters to target two years ago, and he wasn’t great. His peripherals were fine, but his ratios were laggards. He doesn’t have a great fastball (90 MPH), but he barely throws it. He’s figured out his pitch mix, though; he has a great cutter and has nearly doubled its usage. A great cutter? Yup, solid ground ball rates. Dane Dunning is a poor man’s Gausman. Call him Petrolman. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Giancarlo Stanton – 2-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 7th homer, hitting .197. As terrible as he’s been, when he’s turning on triple digits, I can still feel something.

Carlos Rodon – Will throw his final rehab start this Saturday, and could rejoin the Yanks on July 7th. Seeing is believing so I ain’t believing until I’m seeing.

Adolis Garcia – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 20th homer, and 3rd straight game with a homer. When we’re done ignoring the games Adolis does well in, it’s gonna look like he only played twelve games all year.

Ezequiel Duran – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 11th homer, and 2nd homer in two games, hitting .322. Duran made me think of the commenter who was convinced Jarren Duran was breaking out with a .480 BABIP. Indeed.

Josh Jung – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 16th homer. Five people ask if Jung’s done and the rest of us get a home run from him, so please continue.

Kerry Carpenter – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer. Even when Tigers’ prospects do well, you look at their stats and you’re like, “Is he on pace for 15 homers? Oh, okay.”

Kolby Allard – 4 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 8 Ks, as he was activated from the IL for his first start of the year. Autocorrect finally is right to make it, “What the duck?!” about Kolby M. Allard. He’s good now? Braves just invent guys. I’m sorry. It’s the only explanation. They have a Create-A-Pitcher Chamber in their clubhouse. Sadly (is it sad?), this means Shuster was sent to the minors.

Matt Olson – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 26th homer, hitting .237. Could a guy with 26 homers feel like a disappointment? In this episode of Unrealistic Expectations, we discuss Matt Olson’s year so far and where he can improve to make us feel better.

Kenta Maeda – 5 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 6.23. Hundred percent expecting Maeda to have a 3 IP, 7 ER game soon and “reveal” he’s still injured. Scare quotes around reveal because of course he’s injured still.

Dinelson Lamet – Signed with the Red Sox. The once-great Red Sox are back, baby!

Braxton Garrett – 5 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 3.53. Just went to his player page to remind me of how many innings he can still throw, and he actually looks like he can get through August with maybe one well-timed IL stint.

Garrett Cooper – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 10th homer. Again he homered on a day when Garrett pitched? What is going on here? *pulls a string from one pushpin to another on my conspiracy corkboard, noticing on the other side of the conspiracy board a stray cat plays with a piece of string* Get out of here! Any hoo! Cooper is hitting near-.450 in the last week with two homers.

Jazz Chisholm Jr. – 1-for-4 and his 8th homer. Please get hot, daddy.

TJ Friedl – 3-for-5, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and a slam (6) and double legs (13, 14), hitting .320. As I said about other teams in the past (Jays in 2021 come to mind), it’s not bad to have multiple guys from the same lineup if they’re performing. Give me Friedl, Fraley (2-for-3, 2 RBI), Elly (2-for-6, 1 run, 1 RBI, 9th steal), and Steer (1-for-4, 9th steal). Give them all to me!

Jose Ramirez – 2-for-3, 3 runs, 5 RBIs and a slam (13) and legs (8), hitting .297. JoJoRam is so ridiculously steady. Has he been hot at any point this year? Not really, and he’s top 25-ish on the Player Rater.

Bo Naylor – 3-for-4, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. I like him for fantasy, you know that. Just wanted to quickly mention this guy’s arm. Bo knows throwing out runners.

Josh Bell – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 8th homer, hitting .230. Ancedotally, I thought he hadn’t had more than two hits in a game in a while, and the Game Log agreed with me. More than two weeks.

Logan Allen – 3 2/3 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 3.47. Guards jumped out to a huge early lead, and Allen cruised out to the W on Ivictory Island, but they didn’t have his reservation, then he took a submersible back to the mainland.

Patrick Corbin – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 hits, zero walks, 9 Ks, ERA at 4.93. Best $140,000,000 spent!

Jose Caballero – 2-for-3 and his 3rd homer. This guy feels like a 1st ballot “It’s only two days after the season and I already forget who that player is” Hall of Famer.

Jaime Barria – 3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 2.92. Streamonator hated this start, but I tried to be Mr. Big Shot and stream him anyway, and LouBob made me pay (and a bunch of other guys).

Brandon Drury – 3-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 14th homer, and 2nd homer this week. Thanks to runs and RBIs Drury is much higher on the Player Rater than I would’ve guessed (near top 100).

Hunter Renfroe – 1-for-4 and his 13th homer. Just when you give up on him. If you don’t laugh, you will cry.

Seby Zavala – 3-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 5th and 6th homer. Seby Zavala is also the star of that Croatian show you watched on Netflix about a detective uncovering a human trafficking ring.

Eloy Jimenez – 2-for-5 and his 10th homer. Bad news here is he’s getting injured by his 15th homer.

Luis Robert – 2-for-6, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 23rd homer, and 5th homer in the last five games. LouBob is La Pantera and is doing total Domination like a Cowboy from Hell.

Jared Young – 1-for-2 and his 1st homer. David Ross is a BVP Nutbag. Never seen a guy who shuffles his players out of the lineup after three innings. Cubs are gonna lose 90 games, chillax! So, I dismissed Young yesterday as a Quad-A player, and he still looks like that, but sometimes Quad-A players come up with Maas appeal, see Joey Meneses.

Drew Smyly – 3 2/3 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 3.96. Regression Fairies, “You ain’t so Smyly anymore, are you?”

Dansby Swanson – 1-for-3 and his 9th homer. He’s been rather lackluster. Giving Wife Guys a bad name! I’d be buying vs. selling.

Aaron Nola – 5 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.51. Serious question: Has Nola ever given up less than four runs?

Nick Castellanos – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 10th homer, as he just about wraps up a solid month for the Greek God of Hard Contact: 5 HRs, hitting around .375. Bit surprised to see it. It’s all Greek to me.

Mookie Betts – 1-for-2, 3 RBIs and a slam (20) and legs (7). Mookie Best!

Brandon Pfaadt – Could be called up today. I’m ready to be hurt again. Sung like Bon Jovi, “Lay your pain on me.” In Triple-A, Pfaadt has a 10.2 K/9, 1.9 BB/9 and a big HRA problem. I wanna say it’s the league, but he had that issue in the majors too. In most mixed leagues, I can see trying him again, but it could lead to heartbreak.

Zach Davies – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 6.54. The worst the pitcher, the better they pitch. Don’t tell me this isn’t true. It is.

Scott McGough – 1 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 3.00. So, what’s Chafin, bacon?

Kodai Senga – 5 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.53. He’s been great. First inning yesterday was wonky, and Mets score no runs for anyone, and their bullpen stinks, but Senga? He’s lived up to the draft price pretty easily.

Tommy Pham – 3-for-3 and his 8th homer. Speaking of the Mets’ hitting, Pham is the only positive surprise and he’s hitting .268 with eight homers. Let’s not get ahead of ourselves like he’s been that great. Adam Frazier has nine homers.

Wade Miley – 4 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 3.02. Streamonator doesn’t love his next either, and, if being honest, I’m not happy about starting Miley anywhere, even with the nice ERA.

Logan Webb – 5 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 3.43. Good pitchers are like my abs, they don’t exist.

Paul Goldschmidt – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 14th homer. Au Shizz!

Brendan Donovan – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 8th homer. Revisiting my bold prediction from the preseason: I said Donovan would take over the leadoff spot from Edman and outperform him. Welp, one out of two ain’t bad.

Nolan Arenado – 1-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 16th homer. He left early due to lower back issues. Here, his medical report is over by the open window–NOOOOO!!! Torenado!

Jose Altuve – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 4th homer. He hit that homer almost to Big Mac Land. He was, you guessed it, just short.

Jose Abreu – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 6th homer. Not to be all Mr. Facts-And-Shizz, but Abreu has five homers and a .280 average in June. A 30-homer pace if all months were like June, and homered only a few days before May ended too.

Cristian Javier – 4 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 3.72. Ugh. Pretty sure the higher the pitcher was drafted, the worse off they are. This one hurts. His velocity is down, and a higher release point is being seen better. The release point is fixable but I don’t know about the velocity. My guess is no, and it’s a sign of a larger issue. Counting the days until we hear about an IL stint. We’re not doing great here, guys and five lady readers!

Ke’Bryan Hayes – Hit the IL with back inflammation. We need a test, like a lie detector test, that measures your emotions when a player of yours is injured. For unstints, when I heard about Hayes, I was excited about IL’ing him and picking up someone else. With Oneil Cruz and Jazz, I began to cry. If you have the reaction I had with Hayes, you should likely just drop the player. Any hoo! Pirates hate Rodolfo Castro and have called up Jared Triolo (1-for-3, 1 run) to start at 3rd. Who? Yea, I have no idea either. Looks like he has a little pop, speed and not much else for us, as he’s a glove-first guy (2021 Gold Glove winner for all MiLB 3rd basemen). NL-Only for now.

Carlos Santana – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. Ugh, I picked him up yesterday for his 7th homer, but dropped him before his 8th. I did a dumb. Hot schmotato alert!

Mitch Keller – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.34. Keller was followed in the game by Mlodzinski, which is completely irrelevant, but I wanted to spell his name. “I’ll have what Mlodzinski is having.” Mlodzinski is the secret password to get into the back room at the pierogi factory. You’ll never guess Mlodzinski’s first name. If you guessed Stash, I did too. It’s Carmen! What?! Haha, okay, moving on. Mlodzinski!

Blake Snell – 6 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 3.21. I could see not only buying, but buying high.

Reiss Knehr – Placed on the IL and Ray Kerr recalled. If Ray Kerr is injured and the Padres then call up a guy named Rarr Kay, I’m calling BS. Or rather RK.