The date was 1 B.O. — that’s one year Before Okrent — and the Fantasy Baseball Overlord rose from the Fantasy Baseball Overlord’s Mom’s Basement and said, “Fantasy baseball lovers, I will grant you one wish.” One Fantasy Baseballer swooped his wisp of hair over his balding spot, in case he ran into any girls, and stepped forward, “I wish that all players would be healthy.” The Fantasy Baseball Overlord scratched under his armpit, thinking. “Fine, prematurely balding man, I will grant you your wish. May all players be healthy. Just not all at the same time or while on your team.” And with that the FBO descended back into its mom’s basement, since it was almost snack time. As the Overlord descended the stairs, the prematurely balding man yelled, “Wait, I didn’t agree to that!” But it was too late, and now Jose Abreu‘s landed on the DL too. Can’t we have anything nice?! Please return to us, The Grande Dolor! Wait a second, where was Frank Thomas this weekend? Frank Thomas did a Snapchat with the Fantasy Baseball Overlord, didn’t he? Answer me true, universe. The White Sox are saying Abreu will be fine to return after the minimum 15 days, and I say, *long sigh* hopefully. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:
Kyle Farnsworth – Signed by the Astros. Above the Astros clubhouse is a similar quote to Statue of Liberty, “Give me your tired, your poor. Your garbage pitchers yearning to breathe free. We have but one request, don’t ask for more than league minimum.”
Matt Dominguez – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and 2 homers (6, 7). Dominguez does work on Domingo and Antonio Sabato Jr. rests, and so it is and so it will be.
Chris Carter – 1-for-4 and his 6th homer, actually hitting near .350 in the last week, which is like hitting .750 for this all or nothing slugger. Mean’s while, Jon Singleton held a symposium on the death of black sidekicks in cinema and in the minor leagues.
Gio Gonzalez – Hit the Disgraceful List with shoulder inflammation. Rizzo isn’t overly concerned, but I don’t know what Anthony Rizzo has to do with this. *intern whispers into my ear* That’s Mike Rizzo, I’m told.
Jordan Zimmermann – 6 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 1 K. He looks like hot breath two inches from your face, but he’s actually pitching a hair better than he did last year, so there could be a slight buying opportunity here.
Wilson Ramos – 2-for-3, 1 run, 4 RBIs for his first multi-hit game of the year. That puts a real sunshiney glow on things, huh?
Jenrry Mejia – Got the save on Saturday. I took a moment on Saturday and thought about owning two relievers on the Mess and decided I was daft, but not that daft, so I lost Jeurys Familia on most of my mixed league teams. For now, own Mejia until Jenrry looks terrrrible.
C.J. Wilson – Threw his 2nd career shutout on Saturday with 7 baserunners and 7 Ks. If I were an opposing manager, I’d check him for foreign substances like something that could be used to rub on the ball and treat a flaky scalp.
Will Middlebrooks – Hit the DL with a fractured finger. Can you say post-post-post-post-hype sleeper for 2015?
Jake Peavy – 6 IP, 5 ER, 11 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA is now at 4.33. His ownership is still over 90%. Ah, the wonders of name value.
Anibal Sanchez – 5 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA is at 2.89. His walk rate is out of control — 4.5 K/9, his velocity is down and he’s barely going to his curveball. I.e., I before E, except in Teixeira, something seems off with him. I wouldn’t be afraid to explore trades with him based on his artificially deflated ERA.
Taijuan Walker – Threw 55 pitches in the bullpen. Come back, Walker, Taijuan’t to be my starter?
Corey Hart – Left yesterday’s game with a hamstring injury. No one likes to see Hart hurt, except for those few that only have five working keyboard keys.
Robinson Cano – 4-for-5, 2 runs, 1 RBI, hitting .318 on the year *covers mouth so you can’t hear* with one homer.
Kevin Kiermaier – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer as he started for Desmond Jennings, who was on bereavement. Kiermaier reminds me of the Kierkegaard quote, “There are two possible situations for Kiermaier — he can either do this or that. My honest opinion and my friendly advice is this: do it or do not do it — you will regret both.” That Kierkegaard was a real joy!
David Price – 6 2/3 IP, 5 ER. The Price is wrong, b*tch!
Albert Pujols – 3-for-4 and two solo homers. I don’t even hold it against him for being the impetus for me Googling “Prince Albert” on Google image search.
Grant Green – 3-for-4, 1 run, 1 RBI and on Saturday he hit a homer, hitting .368. Hard to say what his playing time is going to be when Kole Calhoun returns, as for Kole Calhoun, look at Jack’s hit of the week.
Matt Shoemaker – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, 3.06 ERA. Not really much but a streamer even if Shoemaker seems capable of cobbling together good starts. Pun point!
Rickie Weeks – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer, and third in his last three games, though he sat out the previous two games, which would’ve been fine if we were still rooting for Scooter, but now we’re rooting for Rickie and it’s starting to foul me up. Stop forcing my fickle allegiances to be more fickle!
Mike Olt – 1-for-4 and his 9th homer. He might be this season’s version of a guy who hits 30 homers and isn’t owned in more than 50% of leagues for the majority of the year. It’s the Adam Dunn award. That award is in the shape of a blue ox.
Welington Castillo – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer. Where’s the boeuf? Welington!
Prince Fielder – Out a few games with a herniated disc in his neck. But who’s going to go 1-for-4 with no runs or RBIs in the meantime?!
Mitch Moreland – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer as he played 1st base for the Rangers. Well, the Rangers figured out how to replace Fielder’s production. Lose the guy who takes up more land for Moreland.
Nick Martinez – 5 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA down to 2.28. He has 16 Ks to 14 BBs, which is hot garbage in a wok that was heated on Venus.
Juan Francisco – 2-for-4 and his 8th homer. Sonavabench! Ugh, I tried to figure out a way to get him in my lineup, but I went with Solarte in a doubleheader and Pollock at UTIL and… Well, do a better job than me and get him in your lineup.
Jay Bruce – On Saturday, he shagged fly balls. Hey, that’s cool with me. If he wants to marry the person whose balls he was shagging, I’m fine with it too.
Tony Cingrani – 6 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners, 7 Ks as he returned from the DL. I picture his family sitting on Mulberry Street, sipping espresso, wondering how long until Chinatown completely takes over Little Italy. The Cingranis now on A&E after Small Town Security.
Devin Mesoraco – 4-for-4, 1 RBI, hitting .500 on the year. He may have a face only his mother could love, but he has a bat that everyone could love.
Cody Asche – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 4th homer, hitting near-.400 in the last week. Didn’t come out of the gate like the horse in One Fine Mess that Howie and Ted Danson gave a speedball, but there’s still time for Asche to make good on my preseason love.
Marlon Byrd – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer. Domonic Brown had a solid Saturday (2-for-5, 5 RBIs and his 2nd homer), but right now it’s not even close who’s been more valuable between him and Byrd and that’s just sad. Like when only your Mom likes your Facebook status.
Matt Wieters – Won’t return when eligible. We should start a new fantasy baseball game where the categories are more applicable if your entire team is on the DL. Hitter categories: Missed Games, Strained Hamstrings, Limps, Obliques and Bed Sores. For pitchers: Strained Elbows, Strained Shoulders, Tommy John Surgeries, Dead Arm and Can’t Get Loose. Think how much happily the comments will be when it’s, “I got two Tommy John surgeries and a strained shoulder and don’t think the 2nd place team can catch me!”
Adam Jones – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 6th homer. Considering what the rest of the 1st round is doing right now, I don’t want to get greedy. Besides Godly and I mean Goldy not Trout, you were better off starting your draft in the 3rd round.
J.J. Hardy – 3-for-4, 1 run and has zero homers on the year. Unless the Ghost of Charley Lau is haunting J.J., it’s a complete Hardy boy mystery why he has zero homers. I’d grab him though with the hope that he’s got to turn around his dearth of power.
Alex Gordon – 4-for-4, 3 runs, 6 RBIs and 2 homers (2, 3). Commissioner Gordon finally figured out how to turn on the bat signal.
Billy Butler – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 1 RBI, hitting .240. Only another forty points on average and he’ll be hitting his weight in moobs. The Royals had 18 homers going into today, last in MLB. They brought Steve Balboni to help turn it around and he left after an awkward moment when Billy Butler asked him, “Are you my father?”
Jed Lowrie – Exited yesterday’s game with a strained neck. Damn, I don’t play in a Strained Neck league!
Yoenis Cespedes – 2-for-5, 5 RBIs; Josh Donaldson went 1-for-2, 4 runs, 1 RBI; Brandon Moss went 3-for-3, 4 runs, 3 RBIs and Josh Reddick went 2-for-4, 2 RBIs as the A’s laid it on the Indians. The Indians should be red-faced. From embarrassment, geez!
Justin Masterson – 4 1/3 IP, 7 ER. Some good can come of this. You can finally drop him without any regrets. Well, except the regret you owned him all this time.
Michael Brantley – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer. With Carlos Santana dropped to the seven hole and hitting .152, even when Kipnis returns, Brantley should stay in the heart of the Indians order and keep producing. Yeah, I’m a fan.
David Murphy – 3-for-5 and his 2nd steal. Murphy is now hitting near-.450 in the last week with a homer. Murphy’s the type to get scolding hot, and he’s now doing it with a side order of schmotato.
Edwin Jackson – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 11 Ks, lowering his ERA to 3.98. More like Edqualitystart! *high-five self* Ow, too much thumb! I’m not a huge fan of Jackson, but the Stream-o-Nator points out his next start isn’t terrible and could be in line for some streaming action.
Andrew Cashner – Hit the DL with soreness in his elbow. He’s confident that it won’t be an issue; he’s just having a precautionary MRI on Monday. Ah, the ol’ precautionary MRI! I have one of those every few days. I’m sure Cashner will be fine. In related news, how’s Casey Kelley pitching in the minors?
Seth Smith – 1-for-3 and his 5th homer. Don’t thleep on the Lisper’s Nightmare!
Everth Cabrera – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and a slam & legs. EverCab didn’t accidentally back into a PEDs needle, the Padres where in Coors this weekend. More than I can say for Gyorko, whose name is seeming more and more appropriate every day.
Yangervis Solarte – 2-for-7, 2 runs and his 5th homer. In a week that I’ve owned him, he has 3 homers, 8 runs, 4 RBIs and hitting .308. Basically, Middlebrooks’s whole season.
Gerrit Cole – 6 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 8 Ks. His stuff is so insane, yet his results are so yawnstipating. It’s almost like he’s embarrassed to show off. Is he Amish? Start striking out 15 guys a game, Ezequiel won’t mind!
Freddie Freeman – 3-for-3, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 8th homer, hitting .314. White guys with black names have really broken the glass ceiling this year.
Justin Upton – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 10th homer. Upton’s taken Jay Bruce’s crazy streakiness and run with it the last two years. Is there anyone else you can count on for at least four homers in a week or an 0-for-47 slump with nothing in-between?
Matt Adams – 2-for-4, 1 RBI, hitting .309. Hoping one of these days it clicks that those two moobs that he stuffs into his athletic sports bra every morning aren’t there for aesthetics but to show him that he has the power to hit homers. Maybe since Allen Craig isn’t doing anything else, he can put on the inspirational Suddenly I See by KT Turnsall and that could help Fatt Adams open his eyes.
Kolten Wong – 1-for-3, 3 RBIs and five for 11 since he was recalled with two steals. If you’re struggling at MI, there’s no reason why you shouldn’t grab Wong, um, no, that’s what I meant.
Jaime Garcia – 7 IP, 4 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks. Not an awful start for his first one back, and ‘not awful’ is about the best you’re gonna get from me for Garcia until he’s rattled off about five solid starts.
Trevor Rosenthal – 2/3 IP, 2 ER and his 2nd blown save. Don’t think he’s in real jeopardy of losing the job yet, but he is in jeopardy of losing his arm if the Cards keep pitching him every day. He’s now thrown four straight days and 97 pitches this week. Joe Torre just shuddered.
Pablo Sandoval – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 3rd homer. I just told you to Buy him, did you listen? You did? Oh, that is fabulous. We are the best over-the-internet friends ever. Let’s snuggle. It’s a figure of speech! Get away!
Ryan Vogelsong – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, lowering his ERA to 3.62. Essentially a streamer, and you can tell everybody that is your Vogelsong.
Aaron Hill – Scratched with a sore shoulder. Better have been a Made in the USA backscratcher. Even if it was made in the USA by illegal immigrants.
Paul Goldschmidt – 4-for-5, 5 runs, 6 RBIs and 2 homers on Saturday. Au Shucks! I miss you, you wonderful beast!
A.J. Pollock – 4-for-6, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and a slam & legs on Saturday, then 3-for-4 on Sunday. I told you to grab him on Friday and now I’m saying, you should’ve paid attention.
Chris Owings – 6-for-9, 5 runs, 3 RBIs and 2 steals on Saturday and Sunday. Up until this weekend he’s been as exciting to own as someone’s tone when turning the TV channel to a rerun and saying his name, “O, wings.”
Clayton Kershaw – 1 2/3 IP, 7 ER. Well, at least he’s not on the DL…Yet. Damn you, reversal ellipsis!
Hyun-Jin Ryu – Will rejoin the rotation on Wednesday. Fantasy Baseball Overlord, “If I say so.” Evil laugh! Fantasy Baseball Overlord out.