Buy A Stud Pitcher? Mmm Oh Kade

First off, you gotta see Kade Anderson and the Watchmen’s Millennium Clock sitting on his shoulders:

That’s not a neck, that’s a flagpole. Every morning they send his head up to the top. Lilliputians free solo Kade’s neck like it’s El Capitan. Kade Anderson, are you wearing your Beaker Halloween costume already? So, it’s not just his hat that’s reached great heights. He has in the minors. As a 21-year-old, he’s done all you can in the minors already. He could step into the Mariners’ rotation right now and likely be their number three. And their rotation isn’t bad! They don’t even really have room for Anderson right now, but you’re looking for a difference maker and cycling through schmohawks like Matthew Liberatore and Hurston Waldrep on waivers — by the way, Lib and Waldrep is such a classic Britbox detective show. Those two ladies as sass personified! — and Kade Anderson can be that difference maker if he’s called up. For all leagues. Even if he’s only called up to be a long man. Think Misiorowski last year when he was called up. Only with better command. Assuming he finds a sun-roofed car to drive to the park. Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:

PSYCHE! This post was released a week early for Patreon members. It will be released all year early for Patreons, so if people are getting a jump on you, it’s because they paid the $10. Anyway, the Fantasy Baseball Buy/Sell:

BUY

Jonah Heim – [karate chopping strangers] I hit you with the Heim! [police arresting me for karate chopping strangers]

Dalton Rushing – Here’s America’s Backup Catcher who has been the starting catcher for the best lineup in baseball, and is a good hitter in his own right. It’s easy as ABC.

Josh Bell – The most interesting narrative in MLB every year that only I, and no one else, point out is how great Josh Bell is until he’s invariably traded at the deadline and becomes one of the worst hitters in baseball. It’s so interesting that that’s all I have on it. Moving on!

Javier Sanoja – On this week’s podcast, you can hear in real-time BDon and I trying to pronounce Sanoja, and maybe coming within a syllable of saying it right.

Tommy Edman – Thomas Edwardman has been hitting well, and it looks about as short-term as you can imagine, so much so that I fear by the time I get to the end of this sentence–Is he still hot?

Brayan Rocchio – Figured he was just a hot bat, then I opened his player page and my jaw dropped. Holy crap, Rocchio is having a solid season. I mean, not necessarily every shallow league worthwhile, but roughly a 12/25/.275 pace is really good for a guy who you likely can pick up waivers in even 15-team mixed leagues.

Cole Young – One love, but I feel like prospect writers giving out grades may as well be throwing darts at a board. It’s like, “Cole Young is a 60 grade hit, 50 for power and speed,” and then you see him hitting roughly .240 neutrally with zero speed and meh power. Young is, uh, young — only 22 — so maybe he grows into more.

Tyler Tolbert – Had the best two-game streak this week since 1970’s Roberto Clemente. That gets an incredulous head shake from me. Baseball is so funny.

Sung-Mun Song – Just think, you can grab him and have a hot bat and tell your significant other how you roster a Neil Diamond song.

Masyn Winn – Do you also look at Winn’s HardHit% to laugh or are you normal? [scrolls to it for a nice chuckle] Oh, no, he’s hitting the ball too hard to laugh at it.

Kyle Karros – He’s having the kind of year that is respectable in an NL-Only league, especially one with OBP, but also an incredibly hard guy to roster in road games for mixed leagues. His dad does have a good head of hair still, and that counts for something. [intern whispers in ear] It counts for nothing? But my hair counts for something, right? …Right?

Nick Gonzales – Fine! One more example, as mentioned in Young’s blurb. Gonzales is an excellent contact hitter, and that was where he was graded as a 30 but with 60-grade speed? That makes no sense. Okay, I won’t talk about this again.

Heriberto Hernandez – If you prorate–[Mr. Prorater skydives through my ceiling, legs crashing through, but getting stuck] Damn it, Mr. Prorater! “Sorry, I misjudged the angle. Prorated it at 45 degrees. Anyway! Heriberto is a 30/15 hitter in a full season of at-bats. Wow! Now, can you call the fire department? I’m gonna need a crane.”

Jake Mangum – Similar to Rocchio, I did a spit take with Jake and lost my man gum when I saw he was on a roughly 40-steal pace, while hitting around .300. Know what that is? A year where we get to October and look back, thinking, why didn’t I roster Mangum?

Esmerlyn Valdez – Great for power, so don’t take this wrong, but his numbers are barely a poor man’s Jake Burger. Call him, White Castle.

Ryan Waldschmidt – Was recalled by the DBacks. It’s fun to see the lack of excitement for a guy after he’s sent down once vs. the initial call-up. Waldschmidt was a top call-up. Now, he’ll be yesterday’s news. Y’all fickle! “Am I picking him up?” my intern inquires and I say, stop inquiring! No, I didn’t rush to the wire, because all he provided after his first call-up was steals, and I don’t need that, but I can see the flyer again.

Luis Lara – Speaking of lukewarm call-ups who I was more excited about a few weeks ago. My problem with Lara now is, he feels like a call-up the Brewers made because they needed an extra warm body. Did give you a Luis Lara fantasy though, if you want to read the few-weeks-ago optimism.

Nathan Church – Oh…no….I can’t stop it….my rap altar ego, B. Fire.

I call him Nat Chuuch,
Got ya scared of my Diff’rent Strokes like I’m The Gooch,
Keep one in my holster, that’s what I sez,
My gun is a broken-head Pez,
Looking for rhymes, can’t find nothing on Google,
Going with the half-ass rhyme of bugle,
Grab Chuuch for power and speed,
Getting drunk on the corner with my Mead!

Garrett Mitchell – Got in trouble with Cougs the other day when I taped Garrett Mitchell’s baseball card on her Paul Mitchell shampoo bottle. Told her, “Real ones know,” and she said, “What does that mean?” I said, “Exactly,” and now she’s not talking to me. Mitchell is an uptick in contact away from being a superstar. He can’t seem to ever do it, though.

Michael Conforto – Seems to be selling out contact for power. Conforto, you sell out! (Complementary)

Cedric Mullins – This is how it is looking at Mullins’s stats, left to right: Scans runs…Nice…scans homers…Ooh, okay, that’s solid…sees RBIs…Not bad at all…sees steals…Love that…sees average…Wait, how did he do all those other stats with that average?

Gage Jump – This is a Streamonator call. Like the call it makes to Dairy Queen.

Landen Roupp – This is also a Streamonator call. “I want to apologize again for the other day when I picked up someone and held them upside down with their ice cream. I thought that was what was required.”

Tyler Wells – Doesn’t really make a ton of sense that he’d be great as a closer, because Wells in previous seasons was a weak-sister, no rizz, meh starter but SAGNOF.

Kirby Yates – Speaking of not making a ton of sense, Yates is 39 years old and having an excellent season. Not for saves, necessarily, but for everything else.

Mason Montgomery – Is he the Pirates’ closer? No, I mean, yes, I mean, maybe? I don’t know, no one knows. I’m hoping Aroldis is traded back to the Pirates (and not Kenley). How about Esmerlyn for Aroldis? I can dig it. Anyhoo! This could also be Dennis Santana, Gregory Soto or anyone in that pen.

Michael Petersen – This is not the star of the documentary, The Staircase, but the Marlins’ reliever who is backing up Fairbanks. This is a multi-fold middle reliever pick up. First fold, Petersen’s been decent. Two fold, Fairbanks is possibly going to get traded. (I know the Marlins have been winning, but it’s the Marlins. We’ll see.) Three-fold, there’s no three-fold.

SELL

Randy Arozarena – Will be dropping my top 100 for the 2nd half next Tuesday (out on Patreon now), and there was a few guys who were difficult to rank, and The Rice Bowl was one of the most perplexing. I don’t have Bowl in any league — unfortunately, he’s been great! — but I didn’t realize how bizarre his great season was for him. He’s coming off a career year, but now having another career year but in almost 100% new ways. He’s gone from a 20/20 guy in 2024 to a 27/31 guy last year to 20/40 potentially this year. This makes zero sense for someone his age (31). His fly balls are way down (literally); his ground balls are way up (not literally) and he’s suddenly a .350 BABIP guy? Again, zero sense. About to start calling him Randy Zerosensena. Maybe he can continue it, but you’d be betting against the most likely outcome. I like likely outcomes. The unknown scares me. I should tell my therapist The Rice Bowl helped me have a breakthrough. I wouldn’t trade Randy Arozarena for a kick in the shins from a World Cup soccer player, but I would go to the Fantasy Baseball Trade Analyzer and explore options.