“As Bryce Harper passed home plate after his 2nd home run of the three he hit yesterday, Ian Desmond lifted Harper’s helmet and with a flick of the head, Harper’s hair fell back in place. If you get a base hit, you have to stand on base and the helmet weighs down your hair. That’s why Harper uses the home run.” This message was brought to you by Aqua Net. What? It’s better than the same stupid Major League Baseball highlights over and over again on MLB TV — we get it, Bo Jackson threw out a runner! Get a new highlight! It’s also better than a Hanz and Franz commercial — talk about a sad commentary on baseball fans’ demographic. “Hey, Bill, we have a commercial that appeals to 35 to 60-year-old white males. Any ideas where we should place it?” So, Harper hit three monster-sized badonkadonks like a night out as Gabourey Sidibe’s pants and I told you to draft Harper before just about every fantasy baseball ‘pert, so you’re welcome. Don’t mention it. No, no, it’s okay. Okay, fine, you can hug me. Stop trying to touch my mustache! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Stephen Strasburg – Played catch yesterday. Sounds like good news after he left Tuesday’s game with his shoulder out of alignment. Yay, a victory for chiropractors everywhere! Now only acupuncturists, massage therapists and tongue examiners stand between you and real doctors. (By the by, I’ve had stomach pain for a few weeks and every morning I’ve been taking pictures of my tongue to have it examined by a Chinese holistic healer. Most of the time, I have no idea what Sheila Shen says, but she seems to think I need more charcoal in my diet. I’m now chewing on briquettes. And they say people in LA are fruitcakes. Pfft!)
Max Scherzer – 7 IP, 5 ER, 10 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 2.11. Likely didn’t need to bat in the bottom of the 7th when he had 100+ pitches, and come back to record no outs in the eighth while giving up a three-run homer to Giancarlo. Anyone that’s watched any modicum of baseball probably could’ve told you that was going to happen. Cut to: Matt Williams picking his nose.
Denard Span – 2-for-4, 2 runs. Both came up in the Twins system, both speedy leadoff hitters, both are black. Denard and Ben Revere not separated at birth –> same man, two teams. It’s Denard Revere! It’s Ben Span! It’s Benard Spavere!
Dee Gordon – 3-for-5, 1 run, hitting .430. Okay, just guessing without looking: his BABIP is .578? Okay, looking now. Hmm, not that close, it’s at .485. If only they were able to teach BABIP to Willie Mays Hayes.
Michael Morse – Has been benched the last few days for Justin Bour (2-for-4, 1 run, hitting .500). Dot, dot, dash, Morse is sending an SOS! If the measure passes on the 2015 ballot in Miami to pay for released hitters’ salaries, we could see another one in Morse.
George Springer – Hit the 7-day DL with a concussion. So, what does this mean for his owners? Well, do you believe in God? Then pray. You don’t believe in God? Have you seen Mark Trumbo’s girlfriend? One word of advice, don’t accidentally Google “Trumbo naked.” (NSFW, if you work for the House Un-American Activities Committee). As for Springer, all you can do is hope he does come back in a week or so, and is totally fine. Concussions have knocked players out for anywhere from a week to a year and a half.
Preston Tucker – Was called up to take over for Springer and is an immediate add in AL-Only leagues due to his power potential (10 HRs, 25 games in Triple-A, hitting .320), but, if you own Springer, you don’t want Tucker to get stuck, er, around in the majors because that will mean Springer’s out.
Carlos Correa – Jon Heyman said, after glancing at Dan Pants for permission to talk, that Correa could be up within a few weeks. Honestly, I don’t think he’s coming up for a few months, but I could be way off here and I would stash him if I had room. Why such excitement? He has 6 homers, 13 steals and a .398 average in 24 games in Double-A. Zoinks! Those are insane numbers and he’s only 20 years old.
Carlos Peguero – 3-for-4, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and 2 homers, and three homers in two games. Peguero has light tower power as they say, who they are I’m not entirely sure. He also swings like he’s in a cartoon, twisting himself into the ground. This year, he’s struck out 37% of the time and that could easily go north of 40% with more playing time. He’s in a platoon, but could easily break out of that, since his platoon-mate is Schmolinski. Would have to be a very deep league, but he could surprise and have a Wily Mo Pena-type breakout (though likely in Japan in two years).
Shin-Soo Choo – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer in the 2nd inning. From the third inning until about the 8th, it looked like Choo might be coming out of his season-long drought. Then two more Ks and a ground out happened. Shin-Soo Boo.
Adrian Beltre – 3-for-5, 2 runs, hitting .236, but up from .194 in the last ten games. Is it getting stuffy in here? Maybe because your buy low window is closing.
Colby Lewis – 8 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.61. Yeah, so you would’ve been better off drafting Colby Lewis instead of Kershaw. *turns on stove, opens stove, sticks in head, realizes pilot light is out* A little help!
Ubaldo Jimenez – 4 IP, 3 ER. Sure glad I held him for four days waiting for this matchup. Sure am glad. Where’s that emoji that is committing hari-kari when I need it?
Dilson Herrera – 3-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 1st homer. He’s looked overmatched until this game, but Mike Trout was the dog’s breakfast for three months when he first came up, so we won’t hold a week against Herrera. No idea where Herrera goes when Wright returns, so I’d take a flyer on Herrera, but not at the expense of anyone good. Hehe. Sorry, I had to laugh at the thought of someone good in my MI spot.
Jacob deGrom – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 9 Ks. His mullet is atrocious, but when I heard about his inspiration I got a little verklempt.
Derek Norris – Didn’t play yesterday for Austin Hedges (1-for-4, 2 RBIs). Oh, I see, Padres, now that you have all this fancy offense, you don’t need Norris. No one likes teams that get cocky, Padres, especially people that own Norris in fantasy. I’m hoping Norris doesn’t lose playing time, and it was just a day off, because I’m deathly afraid of an avalanche of “drop Norris” questions.
Cory Spangenberg – 3-for-5, 1 run and his 1st steal, as he hit 2nd and played third. The Padres are doing fine, right? I mean they have a winning record. So, can we get Middlebrooks and Norris back in the lineup? I’m asking for my fantasy team.
Alexi Amarista – 3-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 1st steal, hitting .206. Amarista also answers to the name “The Ghost of Everth Cabrera.”
Yonder Alonso – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 1 RBI, hitting .345, and hitting over .500 in his last three games. Yonder schmotato, come and get it!
Ian Kennedy – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA down to 5.03. 5.03, Kennedy? Chap, you gotta quit it!
Justin Upton – 0-for-2, 2 runs and his 5th steal with 4 walks. Jackie Bradley Jr. called and he wants you to respect his trademark.
Chris Heston – 5 IP, 5 ER. The Regression Fairies are trying this juice diet, they call their guy friends “sister,” and they will defecate on your pitching ratios.
Brandon Belt – 2-for-3 and is hitting over .300 in the last week, and playing again every day. Belt still has a long way to go to get back in fantasy owners’ good graces, especially since fantasy owners aren’t really the Belt types to begin with.
Hunter Pence – Nearing rehab. Look for Josh Hamilton’s car in the parking lot. That’s the place.
Yasiel Puig – Has yet to run the bases. Yeah, him and Babe Ruth, get on the field, you Puig!
Joc Pederson – 2-for-4 and two homers, 8 and 9. We haven’t seen it much thus far, but he also has 30 steals speeddd. Damn! I almost wrote that whole sentence correctly with just the drool hanging off my lip.
Joe Wieland – 4 2/3 IP, 6 ER. I liked Wieland better when he was sticking it to the man with flannel shirts and purple nails.
Wily Peralta – 8 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA down to 3.92. Yeah, and he’s about as reliable as Courtney Love.
Adam Lind – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer. I’m still taking money if you want to bet Braun gets more fantasy value this year compared to Lind.
Scooter Gennett – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. Instead of high-fiving him, it seems like they should wedgie a man named Scooter.
Jordan Walden – Out for 6 to 10 weeks with a shoulder strain. Luckily, he doesn’t need surgery. Not that lucky! You’re still out! Please, stop smiling. You’re creeping me out!
Anthony Rizzo – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 5th homer. HR to the Rizzo!
Jon Lester – 7 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 6 Ks. Hopefully this is him turning around his season, even though it wasn’t really that great of a start (3 unearned runs). Okay, I’m quibbling. Let’s keep this positive, at least Lester had the sense to make some errors after the ball was hit. Lowercase yay!
Carlos Rodon – Will make his first start this Saturday. This doesn’t mean he’ll be in the rotation for good. He’s sliding into the suspended Samardzija spot (say that fast 117 times!). I would take a flier on Rodon in all leagues, just in case he does stay in the rotation. He can be pitch dark. Shoot, bad use of a thesaurus there. He can be lights out.
Chris Sale – 5 1/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 5.93. There was five walks here too, and 3, 2, 1…Disgraceful list trip? Now? How about now? Gotta happen any second now. There’s no way he’s healthy pitching like this, unless his mechanics are off. Either way, he’s not right.
Melky Cabrera – 1-for-3, 4 BRIs and his 1st home run. I wouldn’t believe it either, if I didn’t see it myself in a box score that said the page was designed by Celky Mabrera.
Victor Martinez – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 1st home run. Now on pace for 6 homers, which isn’t that far off where I expect he ends up. Hey, I told you not to draft him and Wainwright and Cano and Holliday. Okay, Holliday’s got time to look his age, don’t worry.
J.D. Martinez – 0-for-2, 1 run, hitting .226. Feels like yesterday that everyone wanted J.D. on their team. Well, not yesterday, cause he was 0-for-4 with 3 Ks on Tuesday. And not the yesterday yesterday yesterday before that because he was 0-for-4 with 2 Ks on Sunday.
Brett Gardner – Out with a stiff neck. Must’ve got a Viagra stuck in his throat.
CC Sabathia – 6 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 11 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 5.45. The old guy in your league still believes in CC, don’t ruin it for him.
Russell Martin – 3-for-4, 2 runs and his 7th homer, and third in four games. In Indonesia, Dwayne Murphy nods, and in Toronto, a tsunami of homers for some random player happens. Hey, Dwayne, nod again for Saunders!
Chris Colabello – 4-for-4, 2 runs, 1 RBI and his first steal. Fun fact! His name in Italian means “Christ, that’s beautiful soda.”
Devon Travis – 0-for-4. I guess major league pitchers have figured out to stop throwing him fastballs in every count.
Kevin Pillar – 2-for-4, 1 run, hitting .277. Saunders is out until Friday after a cortisone shot, but I wouldn’t play Saunders either. And that’s just being real with you. Everybody wanna know how close me and Schoop is, and who I’m still cool with.
Coco Crisp – 0-for-4 as he was activated from the DL. Kevin from ESPN’s “Get Him In Your Lineup” Department said, “I’m not in the office today, but if it’s important, please ask the operator for Clarabell, and he’ll be able to help you.”
Scott Kazmir – 6 IP, 6 ER. The Regression Fairies saw PM Dawn in concert, they buy themselves flowers so their place looks ‘lovely,’ and they will stomp on your pitchers.
Kyle Gibson – 6 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners (2 BBs), 1 K, ERA at 2.97. The Regression Fairies were already at the game, why not stay for the other half of innings? Too busy at the bath houses?
Eduardo Escobar – 3-for-4, 5 RBIs and his 2nd homer, hitting .225. If you listen really close, you can hear the one AL-Only owner who has Escobar celebrating.
Kennys Vargas – 1-for-1, 3 RBIs and his 3rd homer. They’re still a hot schmotato. All Kennys of them.
Justin Verlander – Cleared to begin throwing after his third MRI. The rule of three, Verlander, you should’ve just took three in quick succession. Dur.
Carlos Perez – 0-for-3 as he started the 2nd game in a row. He was crazy hot in the minors and Iannetta was hitting .094 so far this year and Scioscia is a self-hating Italian, so I could see taking a flyer on Perez in deeper leagues.
Andrelton Simmons – 3-for-4, 3 runs and his 2nd homer and hitting around .400 in the last ten days, and now in the two hole. I grabbed Andrelton to replace Cozart when he hurt himself on Sunday (dropping Cozart), because Andrelton is now my new MI crush and I want to have alien babies with him and name them Q-Bert.
Mike Foltynewicz – 5 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners (3 BBs), 7 Ks, ERA at 5.23. As with most guys who throw fast, Faultynewski can’t control it, which must make for very pleasant at-bats. Footythebillwitz goes to the Reds next time and I can see anywhere from a 6 IP, 0 ER, 8 Ks start to a 4 IP, 4 ER shellacking.
Jace Peterson – 2-for-3, 2 runs and his 2nd steal and hitting near-.400 in the last week and I’ve already told you this week he’s a hot schmotato. Now try to ignore those tabloid journalism innuendos about Peterson, and grab him.
Ben Revere – 4-for-5, 2 runs, 1 RBI. Benard Spavere!
Ryan Howard – 3-for-4 and his 5th homer. Who would’ve thought he’d age better than Utley? *looks at Howard struggling to stand up from a couch* Okay, but that couch is very cushiony.
Marlon Byrd – 2-for-4 and a slam (5) and legs (1). As I said on Tuesday, I grabbed Byrd in one league because he’s long overdue and finally coming out of his early season slump. And that’s me paraphrasing me!
Mike Leake – 8 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 2 Ks. More like Mike Stopper. Amiright?! Oh, man, we had a good laugh. Now I’m gonna take a nap. *shoots up, claps hands* Did you miss me?! Leake has a 5-something K-rate and I wouldn’t own him outside of very deep leagues.
Brandon Phillips – 3-for-4, 1 run, 1 RBI, hitting .316. Weird, usually BP doesn’t do good with a Leake. Hashtag never forget, Gulf Coasters! Sorry, I just watched a Netflix documentary.
Gerrit Cole – 5 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.27. I saw Cole’s five innings pitched yesterday and kept refreshing my team page, thinking my team page stopped live updating for some reason.
Jung-ho Kang – 2-for-4, hitting .289 and homered on Sunday. Might be quietly taking over the shortstop job. Sure, maybe it’s quietly because he doesn’t speak English, but Jordy Mercer has looked mesoraco all year.
Paul Goldschmidt – 0-for-5 in the 1st game when the Diamondbacks scored 13 runs in Coors. Ticker tease! Then in the 2nd game, he went 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and a slam (7) and legs (6). Au Shizz! You never disappoint (for a full day).
Aaron Hill – 6-for-9, 4 RBIs and his 2nd homer in the 1st game of the doubleheader, and his 1st steal in the 2nd game of the doubleheader for the Ernie Banks slam and legs. It’s always fun when other teams go into Coors. It’s like the It’s A Wonderful Life of baseball. “Aaron Hill, this is what your life would be like as a Rockies player.” “I’d be as good as Tulo.” “Yes.” “Wow, that’s awe–Ow, why does my hamstring hurt?”
Mark Trumbo – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 3rd homer. I’m still trying to get my head wrapped around Trumbo’s girlfriend. The head on my shoulders! Gross!
A.J. Pollock – 3-for-4, 5 runs and his 5th steal. This is the Diamondback outfielder, not the Braves catcher with a lazy, racist shorthand.
Yasmany Tomas – 3-for-6, 2 runs, 3 RBIs. He only made one error yesterday — not eating enough before the 1st game. “We’re playing again? Already?!” That’s Yasmany between games of the doubleheader, unwrapping his Quiznos 18-incher.
Ender Inciarte – 4-for-11, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 4th steal in 1st game. Me on December 24th: “You’re a little big to believe in Santa, aren’t you?” “And a little Jewish, but I have one request. Can all of my hitters always play at Coors?”
Justin Morneau – 4-for-9, 1 run, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer. Speaking of concussions (sorta, back with Springer), if Morneau was still playing in Hubert H. Homerfreedome, it would still appear he was concussed.
Drew Stubbs – 1-for-3 and his 2nd homer. He has two hits this year. Can you guess what the other hit was? You’re smart!
Corey Dickerson – 1-for-4, 1 run and didn’t start in game two of the doubleheader due to a flare up his plantar fasciitis. He looked fairly hobbled in the first game, and I think this is going to be an ongoing issue all year, i.e., uh-oh.
Jake McGee – Expected to pitch on Friday and will likely need a few more appearances after that, so the assumption is he’ll be the closer by mid-May, but assumptions are like elbows, every pitcher has a sore one.
Evan Longoria – 2-for-3, 3 runs and two homers (2, 3). Longoria is the fantasy baseball groundhog. It’ll now be six more weeks until we see more production from him.
Alex Colome – 5 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners (0 BBs), 4 Ks in Fenway. Colome held his own in an unfriendly situation that the Stream-o-Nator absolutely hated. It doesn’t love Colome’s next start either, but he’s got solid stuff like George Carlin, and I’d own him and do already in some leagues.
Justin Masterson – 4 1/3 IP, 4 ER. Red Sox fans were disappointed when the official scorer didn’t reward Masterson with a quality start. Any Red Sox starter that can go against the hard-hitting Rays that has Kiermaier, Forsythe and Loney as their first three hitters must be quality.
Hanley Ramirez – Hopes to be in the lineup in a couple of days. So lax and free, an exact timetable would just weird Hanley out. Tie your dreads with some loose string, put your feet up on Pedroia’s head and read some Kerouac. There’s no rush!
Mookie Betts – 1-for-4 and his 5th homer, and third in two days. Betts was a top 65 pick this year without a starting job. Where does he go next year? Top 20? 10? Trout or him? So what Betts is batting .234, I’m building hype here!
Carlos Carrasco – 7 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks. Pretty ho-hum from Carrasco. I want, like, 10+ Ks every time. I’m greedy, y’all!
Brandon Moss – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 5th homer, hitting .241. Moss says, just pitch him the damn ball!
Kendrys Morales – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer. Fun with small sample sizes — That’s what she said! Huh? — Kendrys is on pace for 143 RBIs.
Greg Holland – Activated from the DL. Kevin from ESPN’s “Get Him In Your Lineup” Department said, “Voice mail box for *beep* is filled.”
