Ryan Braun hit his first two home runs off Kyle Kendrick — you know, that Kendrick sure sticks out for a sore thumb — and then Braun emancipated a third ball off Lincoln. Three homers a mere two days after saying he was not able to swing normally is quite the 180. It’s like when Mickey Rourke is one of the best actors — in movies like Diner and Angel Heart — only to have a string of flops, terrible plastic surgery and then he reemerges in The Wrestler. Or Travolta’s career is in the toilet after Saturday Night Fever, dealing with whispers about his bedroom predilections and then he does Pulp Fiction. Doing The McConaughey while McConaughey was still ruining his career. A few years later, Mickey Rourke has another string of flops and his face still scares small children; Travolta does Battlefield Earth and now whispers about his religion have joined the other whispers. (Be forewarned, McConaughey.) So, will Braun now reemerge as the top hitter in the game and hold his Pulp Fiction/Wrestler renaissance or will his thumb continue to haunt him while he commits to Wild Hogs II: Where The Wild Hogs Are? All I know is he was complaining about his thumb a full nine months after he first hurt it, so it doesn’t seem likely to disappear that fast. His value may be even higher now, but I’d still be concerned. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Jean Segura – 2-for-3, 2 runs with two caught stealings. Supposedly, he was safe on one of them. Being an old school manager used to mean bunting runners over, now it means not using replay.
Kyle Lohse – 5 IP, 3 ER, 12 baserunners, 4 Ks. If Lohse would’ve been on the owl level of Candy Crush, all his baserunners allowed would’ve knocked off Odus.
Kyle Kendrick – 5 IP, 4 ER, 11 baserunners, 3 Ks. What a week for the Kendricks. Anna sang a variety of hits on Saturday Night Live. Kyle gave up a variety of hits against Milwaukee.
Chase Utley – Out with the flu. Givenchy!
Jimmy Rollins – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs. The runners scoring on Rollins’s hits had to run through a season-long, Sandberg-ordered 3rd base coach stop sign.
Trevor Cahill – 3 2/3 IP, 5 ER. His H2H owners will be singing for the rest of the week, “Took a whole lot of tryin’ just to get over that Cahill.”
Tim Hudson – 8 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks, has a 1.15 ERA through two starts. No, it won’t continue, but that doesn’t mean I wouldn’t look at what the Stream-o-Nator says about his next start vs. the Rockies. Hint: it’s good.
Brandon Belt – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 5th home run. He has hit a handful of homers before in a short amount of time, only then to not do anything for about four months. I’m not ready to say Belt has finally come into his own, but I wish I had him somewhere, anywhere!
Angel Pagan – 2-for-3, 2 runs, hitting .441. I love Lorenzo Cain. Cain…Sugar! Love him! What does this have to go with Pagan? Well, I was in a situation where I had to drop Cain or Pagan and I kept Pagan.
Mike Morse – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs, hitting .391. Beep, boop, boop. That’s Morse code for hot schmotato.
Matt Moore – As previously hypothesized after inferring shizz from other sources, Moore’s on the DL now and won’t come back for a while since he’s off to see Dr. Freeze. This is the best thing that happened to you if you owned him. Now go find a better starter on waivers. You can do it. Look at me having faith in you!
Omar Infante – Has a sprained jaw and will likely only need a few weeks to recuperate. Until Omar returns, Butchie will be his eyes and ears on the street.
Yordano Ventura – 6 IP, 0 ER, 2 baserunners, 6 Ks. Boing! I love you, you little Dominican home wrecker! I kinda want to break my arm, just so Ventura can sign it, and just as he’s signing it, I lean down and gently rub my mustache along his knuckles. Of course, I’ll be using conditioner on my mustache three times a day for the next however long it takes just in case my scenario comes true so I don’t scratch his knuckles.
Alcides Escobar – 2-for-4 and his 1st steal. On Monday, he hit a couple of hard hit balls and yesterday more of the same. I grabbed him in one league where someone had dropped him prematurely (yes, I’m the same person who dropped him — I’m a rosterbator!).
Chris Archer – 7 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks. Okay, I like him a lot, but I don’t want to get Yordano jealous right now.
Peter Bourjos – 3-for-4, 2 runs. Ugh, you didn’t drop him fast enough and now he’s hitting. That sucks!
Devin Mesoraco – 2-for-4, 1 run. Catcher questions will commence in 9, 8, 7… (To be continued.)
Mat Latos – Scratched from rehab start with a sore elbow. That sound you hear is his owners going uh-oh really loud, unless you have a Latos owner in the cubicle next to you.
Yadier Molina – 3-for-5, 2 runs and his 3rd homer. A few years ago he suddenly became a .315 hitter, now he’s decided to add power. End world hunger while you’re at it! Though that would just be putting his brothers on a diet.
Kolten Wong – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 2nd steal in as many games. I like how I’m getting questions about people wanting to drop him. I mean, I don’t understand it, but I like it.
Troy Tulowitzki – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs. He said yesterday that he will play through a slight quad pull. He wakes up with a ‘slight quad pull’ so what else is new?
Avisail Garcia – 4-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and two homers. That awkward moment when you realize you might’ve dropped him too quickly is similar to that moment when you’re sitting at a red light, animatedly singing Taylor Swift only to realize the car next to you is watching.
Jose Abreu – 2-for-5, 5 RBIs and two homers. Abreu said after the game that playing in Coors Field was like when Fidel’s favorite hitters would come up and he’d let them bat from 2nd base.
Tyler Flowers – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and a home run. 6, 5, 4… (To be continued)
Marcus Semien – 4-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and a steal. What, no home runs? No power from Semien leaves me with vasocongestion.
James Paxton – 5 IP, 3 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks but left with a strained lat. Bad timing since Taijuan Walker will be returning shortly. Have I mentioned I own Taijuan Walker everywhere? Only 117 times? Cool!
Corey Hart – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and two homers. So, you’re saying I shouldn’t have dropped Hart? Got it. *walks into traffic wearing a potato sack*
David Freese – 1-for-3 and a home run. Okay, so anyone could hit a home run yesterday. Whatever, Pujols still hit it!
Josh Hamilton – 0-for-3, but removed early because he slid head first into first base and hurt his thumb. Oh, man, there is some announcer right now getting so mad that he slid head first into first. No good will ever come of that! This feels like a Michael Moore conspiracy. Why can’t people slide head first into first? Is there some kind of force field around the lower third of the 1st base bag that can only be circumvented by feet? Hamilton is headed for an MRI now. He better not go head first into that machine!
Colby Lewis – Will start on Saturday vs. the Asstros. The Rangers were between having Lewis make one more minor league start or promote him to the majors, but ended up with a solution that satisfies both scenarios. I’ll be watching to see how Lewis does, but I wouldn’t start him in his first start back.
Adrian Beltre – 2-for-3, 1 run, 2 RBIs but left yesterday’s game with a tight quad. He’s flying back to Texas to have it checked. If he has time, he should go see The Alamo. There’s a good seven minutes you won’t get back.
Martin Perez – 6 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 11 baserunners, 3 Ks. Three runs were tacked on to Perez’s line by Texas relievers who will soon be starters.
Robinson Chirinos – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 1st home run. Must…resist…urge…to…drop…Yan…Gomes…for…him…and…must…replace…space…bar.
Joakim Soria – 1 IP, 3 ER. Kazaam!
Felix Doubront – 2 2/3 IP, 5 ER. My AL-Only team thanks you from the bottom of the standings.
Grady Sizemore – 3-for-4, 1 run. Hype Machine, “Yes, I will hold but when you return I want an answer on when the Sizemore bronze statute will be ready.”
Josh Beckett – Will return to the rotation on Wednesday. Hey, that’s today, you snuck up on me!
Dee Gordon – 2-for-5 and a home run off Scherzer. He didn’t get to admire his blast because he swung with his eyes closed.
Jedd Gyorko – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs I wish I were in a league where he’s already being dropped. But then that would mean I’d be coming here and asking myself if I should pick him up.
Yasmani Grandal – 4-for-5, 1 run, 1 RBI. 3, 2, 1…
Trevor Bauer – Will be starting one of the games of the doubleheader today, and then will probably be sent right back down. Too bad he can’t long toss himself, save an airplane trip.
David Murphy – 2-for-3, 3 runs, 4 RBIs and his first home run. I just told you he was a hot schmotato and now he’s going nuclear. Or nuke-u-lar, if George Bush is reading.
Nyjer Morgan – 3-for-5, 1 run, 2 RBIs and his 1st steal. After the game, he answered questions as Tony Plush. In the shower. Using a bar of soap as a microphone.
Starlin Castro – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and 2 homers. *banging head on floor* Dammit! Castro’s made it so up is down.
Emilio Bonifacio – 3-for-5, 1 run, 1 RBI and 1 steal. Emily Boneface has ignited my loins!
Starling Marte – 1-for-3, 3 runs and two steals. Castro and Marte combined for the rare Starlin(g) double slam & legs, which isn’t counted in any record books but doesn’t make it any less worthwhile if you have them both on one fantasy team.
Jose Reyes – Started treadmill running. Hopefully he doesn’t get too into it and try to do some treadmill sliding.
Mark Buehrle – 5 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 3 Ks. He made the Asstros look as confused as someone who can’t speak English trying to pronounce his last name.
Melky Cabrera – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 4th home run. Now this is the Melk Man I wish my mom slept with!
Jose Bautista – 1-for-2 and his 4th home run. He’s either going to hit 45 homers or miss 60 games. Mark my words! Not literally, now you wrote on your computer screen.
Jose Altuve – 3-for-5, 1 RBI. Don’t sell him short! Sell him as vertically challenged.
Yangervis Solarte – 2-for-3, 1 RBI, with the two hits about ten feet short of homers as he hits .478 on the year. It’s the Ghost of Kevin Maas! (If I could have back the money I invested in Kevin Maas rookie cards after his 1990 season, or if I could have back the memories of my mom being one of the Maas-tops, I’d be a rich man.) Not much to see with Yangervis long-term, but he’s hitting and he should definitely be owned in all leagues while he’s hot schmotatoing.
Bartolo Colon – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks. Looking a whole lot better than the crosstown pitcher who looks like he should be nicknamed Colon Cleanse.
Eric Young Jr. – 2-for-4, 1 RBI and 2 steals. The SAGNOF train is forever young…Forever young. Yes, that was a Rod Stewart mash-up.
Manny Machado – Still unable to run the bases. This never stopped Babe Ruth. Kids nowadays! Phooey!
Johan Santana – Threw a simulated game. I’d like to go into a vegan restaurant and throw a simulated ham. Does that make me a bad person?
Adam Jones – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 1st home run. Me and, me and, me and Mr. Jones, we got a thing going on!
Ryan Flaherty – 3-for-5, 2 runs, after starting the year 1-for-21. This comes after starting last year 1-for-18. Elias Sports Bureau said that the last person to start two consecutive years at least 1-for-18 was another guy you never heard of.
Matt Wieters – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 2nd home run and hitting .370 on the year. Could this be the year he finally makes it seem slightly less stupid those people started that Matt Wieters Facts website?
Delmon Young – 3-for-6, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 1st homer. This time, Delmon only hit the ball with a bat.
Jacob Turner – Scratched with a strained shoulder. I once scratched myself with a pasta strainer.
Ryan Zimmerman – Has an arthritic shoulder, but will attempt to play through it. That’s irony, cause if he ‘through’ it, it wouldn’t be a problem. What’s he, Benjamin Button and actually 87 years old with his arthritic shoulders? Why do I keep drafting this schmohawk? Am I glutton for punishment? Do I pronounce that glue-ton? Yes, I am and do! I hate you, Ryan Zimmerman!