“Please bend your knee, Gabriel Moreno, we have a coronation to attend to. Thank you.” Places sword on Moreno’s shoulder, then passes it over his head to other shoulder, and ceremoniously says, “Every fifth day, from today forward, you will be known as Boombalatty, so it’s now Pfaadt y Boombalatty. The perfect battery mate. You have no choice in this matter. Okay, now you can stand.” So, the Diamondbacks are showing their youth by exposing their baby Pfaadt. With Brandon Pfaadt being called up, the minors are closed now. *Matt Mervis pounds on door* Sorry, man, we just closed! So here’s what Itch’s said previously, “The 6’4” 220 lb Brandon Pfaadt got better outcomes than anyone could expect from a Triple-A Diamondback, posting a 0.99 WHIP with 74 strikeouts in 61.2 innings. Pitching coach Brent Strom has gotten great results from a lot of arms over the years, and Pfaadt comes gift wrapped with all the bells and whistles, carrying his plus velocity deep into starts and commanding his four-pitch arsenal like a veteran. I’m a veteran of fighting a war with Grey.” What? If it’s not clear, Brandon Pfaadt is a pickup in all leagues. Pfaadt chance I’m missing out on him! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Ketel Marte – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer, hitting .265. Ketel isn’t sobering, he’s so boring.

Christian Walker – 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 6th homer, and 2nd homer in his last three games. He’s only a small hot streak away from being on pace for his last year’s numbers.

Ezequiel Duran – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs, and his 3rd homer, hitting .328. People keep asking if Seager will replace him. Maybe, but you ever see a bridge off in the horizon? You ever try to cross it before getting to it?

Bryce Harper – 0-for-4 as he was activated from the IL. Kevin from ESPN’s “Get Him In Your Lineup” Department said, “I didn’t understand why everyone liked the Rocky movies, then I realized they weren’t talking about the ones with the moose.”

Miguel Vargas – 4-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs, hitting .236. Freeman homered (his 5th), but wanted to mention Miguel Vargas, because I’m worry if I didn’t today I may never.

Julio Urias – 7 IP, 1 ER, 1 hit, 1 walk, 10 Ks, ERA at 3.86. Wow, he learned to be a strike out pitcher in the last four days. Incredible.

Matt Strahm – 3 1/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 3.38. Hopefully now when I say Strahm will be replaced in the rotation, people actually start believing me.

Gary Sanchez – Released by the Giants. That must be a real kick to the groin, and, if anyone knows what that feels like, it would be Gary Sanchez.

Anthony DeSclafani – 8 IP, 0 ER, 3 hits, zero walks, 3 Ks, ERA at 2.13. Who said Disco’s dead? Put on your platform shoes with the fish in the heel, because Disco’s back, baby!

Luis Garcia – Hit the IL with elbow discomfort, which means he’ll be back in roughly two months or two years. Give or take. The Astros called up Matt Gage, who I believe is an X-Men character.

Louie Varland – Was called up to start today as BDon and I speculated on this week’s podcast. Not bad for two guys who went to Harvard, according to their fictitious resumes. He was pumping 96 MPH in his last start, and has four pitches. As Laura said about Varland last year, “He’ll be eligible to appear in the documentary I’m tempted to make where I interview every major league pitcher who threw a strike to Aaron Judge this year and ask each of them what made them think it would be a good idea to throw threw a strike to Aaron Judge this year.” That doesn’t help us, but it made me laugh. I’d watch that doc! Varland is at worst a decent streamer, and, at best, could be in that Pfaadt, Stone, Bibee triumvirate, but then it would be a quadvirate (fourvirate?). Wait, what about the Millers? Ugh. We have projections for every prospect pitcher, and Varland is actually above Bibee, Stone and Taj.

Liam Hendriks – Will start a rehab assignment today. If this news doesn’t get you a little misty-eyed, then you have no feelings or you don’t work at a Subway that permeates onion juice.

Oscar Colas – Sent to the minors. Colas hit like an off-brand soda that explodes in your face upon opening.

Tim Anderson – 0-for-4 as he was activated from the IL. Kevin from ESPN’s “Get Him In Your Lineup” Department said, “Am I the only one who thought of Rocky and Bullwinkle?”

Michael Kopech – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners (5 BBs, lol), 7 Ks, ERA at 5.97. He had a no-hitter through five and I was rooting for him, just so people could get sucked in because he absolutely does suck. Or such with a hard -ch, as it were.

Eloy Jimenez – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer. Better yet, he rounded the bases without injury!

Graham Ashcraft – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 2.00 vs. Michael Wacha – 6 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 5.46. This matchup was billed as, “This guy isn’t this good, and this guy isn’t that bad. So, what do we do with this information? Hmm.”

Masataka Yoshida – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer. He’s on pace for a 25-homer, .280 season. That would be well worth the draft day price.

Connor Wong – 4-for-4 and his 2nd and 3rd homer, hitting .290. The Red Sox went from a guy who was caught touching himself in a parking lot to a guy named Wong. Hey, Chaim Bloom, preoccupied much? I noticed Wong — hey now! — high up for catchers on the 7-day Player Rater, so I gotta say hot schmotato.

Tanner Houck – 6 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 5.34 vs. Yusei Kikuchi – 4 1/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 4.02. This matchup was billed as, “You desperately want so much more from both of these guys, and it goes to show you how much difference you can make with your silent wishes.”

Daulton Varsho – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 3rd homer, hitting .198. There’s some fog on the mirror under his nose!

Taylor Ward – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 4th homer. All Ward needed to do was for 75% of Razzball comments to be about dropping him. Good work, team!

Patrick Sandoval – 5 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.93. I see people in the comments asking about dropping Sandoval, then I see he has a sub-3 ERA and I’m not sure what else you want. What do you people want?!

Bryce Miller – 6 IP, 1 ER, 2 hits, zero walks, 10 Ks, as he was called up. Miller went against Mason Miller, more on him in a second, and The Millers were the real winners here. All Millers. Even Barney Miller. Hal Linden, wherever you are, I hope you’re happy because your boys were gorge. Bryce Miller had the most strikeouts by a Mariners pitcher in his debut (beating Enrique Romo). His perfect bid was tied for the 2nd-longest perfect bid by a SP in his MLB debut in the expansion era, behind only Nick Kingham. I mention Enrique Romo and Nick Kingham not to flex like my mind has been abducted by Elias Sports Bureau, but to show that those are forgotten names, to put Bryce in perspective. I like him, but it was one great start.

Mason Miller – 7 IP, 0 hits, 4 walks, 6 Ks, ERA at 3,52. And he was the even better Miller! I was loving Grayson, when I should’ve been listening to my mother for Mason. (Yes, my mother talks like Borat, so?)

Avisail Garcia – Hit the IL with a back injury. Marlins players, Avisail is going to be asking in the next ten days, who’s home with your wives. Tell him, they’re out of town!

Xavier Edwards – Was called up by the Marlins. He has 60-steal speed, could hit .280 and might get seesaw’d up if Triston McKenzie sat on the other end. These two guys could have a contest for who has a body that most resembles a broom handle. Don’t think Edwards plays enough for outside NL-Only.

Sandy Alcantara – 5 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 5.09. I’m afraid this was who he always was, not that guy last year. Sadly, Alcantara.

Bryce Elder – 7 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 1.75. We should take bets who will be the Braves’ Elder next year, and how much worse Elder will be next year.

Ozzie Albies – 2-for-4 and his 8th homer. Okay, clearly, his shoulder wasn’t an issue. This is my full-throated mea culpa. Now I will hedge that mea culpa by saying, better safe than sorry.

Harrison Bader – 1-for-4 as he was activated from the IL. Kevin from ESPN’s “Get Him In Your Lineup” Department said, “All I’m saying is I would’ve named the movie, ‘Rocky, The Boxer.'”

Lou Trivino – Will undergo Tommy John surgery. In related news, Dr. James Andrews just bought a mini fridge that sits inside his bigger fridge.

Gerrit Cole – 6 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 1.35. Sell harder!

Anthony Volpe – 2-for-4, 2 runs and a slam (3) and double legs (9, 10), hitting .230. Too bad he was shown up by Yankee great, and Razzball All-Star, Willie Calhoun, with his 1st homer. Can’t wait until Willie Calhoun is immortalized in Monument Park.

Michael King – 1 2/3 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 1.56, and his 2nd save. Not saying he’s the Yanks’ closer, but I’m not not saying it either. Says a lot that they didn’t try Holmes again in a very close game.

Tanner Bibee – 5 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.45. Okay, the Yanks look like garbage left in a car’s glove compartment that’s parked on the sun, but Bibee *leans in and whispers* He looked good.

German Marquez – Will undergo Tommy John surgery. He hopes to return anywhere but Colorado.

Ezequiel Tovar – 1-for-3 and his 1st homer. Wow, I thought Ezequiel retired to raise chickens or something.

Pierce Johnson – 1 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 3.97 and his 4th save. *motions in the general vicinity of Daniel Bard on my teams* Um, hello?

Harold Ramirez – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and a slam (6) and legs (1). Ugh, I just freakin’ dropped him! I might regret that, but the Rays are just too stacked for everyday playing time.

Jason Adam – 1 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 1.59, and his 1st save. Looks like the Rays have a fill-in for Fairbanks, which is what one says right before Colin Poche gets a random save.

Hayden Wesneski – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 4.45. Fun fact! Wesneski is the last name of every character John Candy played that was from Chicago. Less fun fact! I don’t trust him in fantasy.

Patrick Wisdom – 1-for-4 and his 11th homer, hitting .242. Give me a hot schmotato and a player breaking out and the Wisdom to know the difference.

Maikel Garcia – 2-for-4, 1 run as he was called up by the Royals. With no fanfare, I might add. Unless Itch was doing the fanfare, because, I don’t think I’m speaking out of order by saying he likes Maikel a lot. Here’s his Maikel write-up in his top 50 fantasy baseball prospects, “Rare player here. Fantasy-friendly profile. Easy-plus defense. Several paths to playing time. Favorable scouting reports. Only real hiccup is the awful home park, but aside from that, I’m struggling to understand the general vibe of disinterest I feel around Garcia in the echo chamber. In 40 games at Triple-A, Garcia hit seven home runs and stole 12 bases. You don’t have to be watching Numberblocks everyday to know that would be 28 home runs and 48 stolen bases over 160 games. The power is new, but that’s often the plan with skinny youngsters with barrel feel and strike-zone judgment. It’s all coming together perfectly on time for Garcia. Like my fist would like to come together with Grey’s face.” Okay, not cool. Nicky Lopez went to the IL for an appendicitis. Therefore, vis-a-vie, ergo, I don’t know Maikel’s playing time after this week-plus, but I guess I could see a flyer.

Bobby Witt Jr. – 1-for-5 and his 5th homer, hitting .221. So far my schmohawk posts have worked out okay: Daulton Varsho, Michael Harris II, Sandy Alcantara, Luis Robert and Witt. BWJ prolly is looking the best so far, until you see his peripherals and you’re like, “Oh, he’s absolutely hitting .215 this year.”

MJ Melendez – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer, hitting .177. Michael Jordan Melendez always cooking during the NBA playoffs.

Salvador Perez – 2-for-3, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his 4th and 5th homer, hitting .279. He was hit on his hand and sent for x-rays. I heard he was replaced by Freddy Fermin, and I’m glad the Dodgers’ 1st baseman has so much time to take on a hobby like “being an MLB catcher.”

Tyler Wells – 6 IP, 4 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.34. He should be a solid deep league guy because of innings and park, but you need some Streamonator approval.

Ryan Mountcastle – 3-for-6, 3 runs, 5 RBIs and his 7th and 8th homer, hitting .256. *turns on BBC* The great British detective, Mountcastle, wearing a kilt, says, “Has anyone seen my pants?” Watson shakes his head.