You wanna know what’s on my mind? “If the Nationals wouldn’t have shut down Stephen Strasburg three years ago, would they have been eliminated a day earlier this year?” No, that’s not on my mind. “Is there anything to your business idea of selling 500-foot rulers outside the courthouse to people who just got restraining orders?” That’s been on my mind, but that wasn’t what I was thinking about now. “What does Strasburg offer us for 2016?” Yes, that was what I was thinking. How did you read my mind? “I’m you.” Shh, you’re ruining the illusion. Yesterday, he went 7 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 13 Ks. Prettttay, pretttay good. Of course, Effin Stressbird has been an ulcer all year with his 4.30 ERA, 1.23 WHIP and continual injuries that have left him with only 98 1/3 IP. When digging deeper — and it hurts me soul, Lupe Fiasco, to say this — he doesn’t look bad. His velocity went up this year to 95.3 MPH from 94.8; his K/9 is down 10.1 to 9.7, but I think that’s just due to his control, and a 9.7 K/9 isn’t bad. He hasn’t been as sharp with command, but couldn’t that be due to the back problems he’s fighting? I hate him as much as anyone that is making hashtags by combining MLK and the dipshit in Kentucky, but if I’m looking at his stats with impartial eyes, he doesn’t look terrible for 2016. For this year, just give me three more effin starts like last night, you Effin Stressbird. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Michael Taylor – Nats said Taylor’s knee is swollen. I don’t believe they meant “swollen” as in the Urban Dictionary definition of swollen, which means to “get buff while in prison.”
Ryan Zimmerman – Two sources close to the Nats said Zimmerman could miss significant time due to his oblique. Those two sources are the worst impersonators of Woodward and Bernstein ever. This is your scoop?! One of the most injury prone players is hurt? Wow! How about the headline, “Water is Wet?”
Bryce Harper – 3-for-4, 3 runs and two solo homers (35, 36), hitting .336 on the year. Harper’s rebound year (and Machado) is (are) a reminder(s) to not forget Giancarlo.
Matt Harvey – “We lied. Harvey will be skipped in his next start.”
Michael Cuddyer – Expected to return on Friday. When a reporter asked what he was returning from, Cuddyer said, “Honestly, I’ve lost track of my injuries.”
Travis d’Arnaud – 2-for-4 and his 11th homer. Because we all love unrealistic prorating, d’Arnaud has 11 homers in 49 games. I think he’s a 25-homer catcher, too. Even if he prorates to more than that. We should make up Razzball shirts, “I prorate to nine inches.”
Yoenis Cespedes – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 32nd homer. It feels greedy to want him to stay hot and get to 40 homers. But I’m greedy, y’all!
Jacob deGrom – 7 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 2.40. Informal poll, who’s better next year: Harvey or deGrom?
Fernando Rodney – Recorded his first blown save as a Cub yesterday. That comes at a terrible time for McClendon’s H2H team.
Jon Lester – 7 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 7 KS, ERA at 3.50. This start came in Busch against the Cardinals, which sounds like an erotic thriller set in the Vatican, and I was half (maybe more like 75%) expecting Lester to get bombed. The Stream-o-Nator was showing some interesting figures. “Sexy!” No, Hitter-Tron, figures as in numbers, not curves. SON had $17.6 vs. the Cardinals for Lester and, in Lester’s next start in Pittsburgh, it’s down to $6.2. I’d guess it would be reversed, but I didn’t ask Rudy and thus far, it was right to like the start in St. Louis. What does all this mean? That there was only one day game yesterday, so I had extra time to write his blurb.
Javier Baez – 2-for-4, hitting .320. It’s a good sign, but before we start naming our firstborn, Baez, I’d like to see more. You know, maybe try to remain impartial and not completely Baez.
Carlos Martinez – 5 IP, 3 ER, 11 baserunners, 8 Ks as he tied owners to the WHIPping post. I’d kinda like to own C-Mart next year, so, in the name of Giancarlo, can we please shut him down?
Mat Latos – Scratched from his start with a stiff neck. That’s what happens when you get a Viagra lodged in your throat.
Jimmy Rollins – Has missed three straight games, but is expected back on Friday. Rollins is dealing with a sore index finger. That’s the finger he was using to point at himself when he said, “You want me to sit for Corey Seager?”
Yasmani Grandal – Missed his third straight game due to inflammation in his shoulder. Maybe OBPWulf is sore, but the Dodgers already seem like they’re trying to get people healthy for the playoffs, i.e., sitting all kinds of people. The previous two schmohawks included.
Scott Schebler – 1-for-4 and his 2nd homer as he hit leadoff. You might be scratching your head, “Why was he leading off?” Because he played left field and Crawford has been leading off and playing left, so Mattingly used the same lineup card and didn’t have enough White Out.
Garrett Richards – 7 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 11 Ks, ERA at 3.71. Solid start against the Dodgers B lineup. Actually, now that I look at the Dodgers lineup, do they have an A lineup? Thank your lucky stars (like Pauly Shore) for Kershaw and Greinke.
Tom Koehler – 8 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 10 Ks. Oh. Wait, what? Isn’t Koehler a brand of toilets and should be considered as much? Well, if you had the trouser oranges to start him, more power to you, but now you can drop him.
Jonathan Lucroy – Sat out yesterday with concussion symptoms. He said that he looked at his season long stats and got woozy.
CC Sabathia – 4 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 5.16. If 1997 to 2007 were a decade, Sabathia could’ve had some Jack Morris-type HOF support.
Carlos Beltran – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 15th homer. I kinda want him to get to 20 homers just so some stunod drafts him next year. For psychological reasons, 18 or 19 homers just doesn’t seem as enticing.
Adam Jones – Out again yesterday and I want to drop him so bad I can taste it and I don’t even know what dropping a player tastes like but it’s there on the tip of my tongue. This…bitterness.
Ubaldo Jimenez – 7 IP, 3 ER, 4 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 4.22. Not a bad start in tough environs (Yankee Stadium). By the by, don’t ever say environs in conversation or the person you’re talking to has permission to punch you in the mouth.
Brandon Crawford – Still out with oblique and calf soreness. He’s only a back and neck soreness behind Glen Perkins. Step up yo’ game, Crawford!
Collin McHugh – 5 1/3 IP, 5 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks vs. the A’s. Ouch, that should’ve been a cakewalk. Well, it was a cakewalk early on, then he ran into Billy Butler (2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 11th homer) and Moobs had to defend his cake.
Carlos Gomez – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 11th homer. I’m pretty sure if Bumgarner had as many at-bats as Gomez, he’d have more than 11 homers. Cust kayin’.
Colby Rasmus – 2-for-4, 3 runs and his 19th homer. Member Geiger Girl? I wonder if she’s embarrassed about her past love for Rasmus.
Evan Gattis – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 23rd homer. This is neither funny nor interesting, but I love watching Gattis homer. He straight lumberjacks pitches.
Josh Reddick – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 16th homer. Reddick took McHugh deep. McHugh is not a nickname for something else.
Billy Burns – 2-for-5, 1 run, 1 RBI. Now four straight games with two hits. Put some butter on Burns because he’s sizzling.
Pablo Sandoval – Left yesterday’s game with mid-back tightness. If only he could spin his head around 180 degrees, he’d have a six-pack. Which he’d likely promptly drink.
Mookie Betts – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 14th homer. I’m gonna be silly excited for Betts next year, so, as a favor to me, please stop hitting this year.
David Ortiz – 1-for-3, 3 RBIs and 32nd homer. He will keep doing this until he’s 54 years old. Which is next year.
Chris Colabello – 1-for-2, 3 RBIs and his 14th homer. Damn, I was gonna Sodastream yesterday, but you can’t be sure he’s going to play every day, which is tough when there’s an afternoon game and Soda Popinski isn’t in it.
Maikel Franco – Took swings and could return. Ugh, so stoopid. Just let him rest until next spring! He doesn’t need these two weeks of at-bats to re-injure his wrist. You’re upsetting Prospect Mike too. And he’s a hangnail away from losing it.
Hector Olivera – 3-for-5. Dude is locked in like when Mattingly got in his car and forgot the keys.
Cole Hamels – Could be pushed back a day after a comebacker struck him on the shoulder. That’s pretty cool, I’d like to get pushed back a day. How about pushed back to Christmas Day 1988 when I got my Hutch Trickstar? So rad!
Mark Trumbo – 4-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 21st homer, hitting .261. Funny thing (not funny at all), if Trumbo gets to 25 homers with a .260 average, it’s really not that bad of a year.
Kyle Seager – 4-for-4, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 23rd homer. Elias Sports Bureau said this first time two teammates had four-hit nights with a home run since the last time two teammates did it. Elias is really slacking.
Vidal Nuno – 7 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 10 Ks. I’ve never done DraftKings, but I’m gonna guess the guy who grabbed Nuno got paid.
Jeff Samardzija – 6 2/3 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.89. In all seriousness, even Teheran’s had a few good games. In all all seriousness, even J.A. Happ’s had good stretches. In all all all seriousness, can Samardzija throw one good game?!
Tyler Saladino – 1-for-3 and his 4th homer, hitting over .300 in the last week. I’ve been rocking him in one league since he was called up. Okay, technically, I’m not winning that league, but don’t be so technical.
Jose Abreu – 2-for-4 and his 27th homer. Yeah, all I wanted was 27 homers from him and I said I’d be good, but, c’mon, three more and we are so good. Don’t you wanna be so good with me?
Francisco Lindor – 3-for-5, 2 runs and his 8th homer, hitting .310. In about a half a season, he has 8 HRs and 7 SBs. If he were to just double that, he’s a top five shortstop next year. Chances are he’s going to do much more.
Jose Ramirez – 1-for-4 and his 4th homer, and 2nd consecutive game with a homer. He platoons with some LLAMAS on most days, so it’s hard to schmotato or even cyclops him. A new reader just came across the site, read that previous line and was like, “What is this handsome mustachioed man talking about?”
Jedd Gyorko – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 14th homer. Imma let you finish, but Gyorko is the greatest post-hype sleeper of all-time!
Matt Kemp – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 20th homer. After the game, Kemp went to the hottest club in San Diego, the Kiwanis Club in Little Italy.
Wil Myers – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs, a day after hitting a home run. A rising schmotato? Don’t mind if I do!
Yangervis Solarte – 3-for-5, 1 run, 2 RBIs, hitting near-.500 in the last week. For fair warning, I’ve just picked him up, so the cold streak is nigh, a word that sounds like it belongs on Talk Like A Pirate Day.
James Shields – 6 IP, 4 ER, 12 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.90. Considering he pitches in the NL and his home games in Petco, he’s gotta be considered as bad as Samardzija.
Glen Perkins – Received a cortisone shot in his back and now Jose Bautista is going to swinging him by his feet and hit a home run. Fo’seriously, I’d be shocked if Perkins sees more than another two saves this year.
Miguel Sano – Didn’t start in his 2nd straight game with a sore hamstring. “I request a rewrite from Nicholas Sparks on The Sanotebook.” In the 12th inning, Sano came in and hit his 16th homer, the game winner. “Thank you, Mr. Sparks.”
Ben Zobrist – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 12th homer. As a claymation Sly Stallone would say, “That’s Zobrist, baby!”
Kris Medlen – 6 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 4.58. Hey, at least he looks okay against a team he should look okay against (Twins). Stream-o-Nator hates his next start and I wouldn’t go near it either.
J.P. Arencibia – 1-for-3 and his 4th homer, and 4th homer this week. Ugh, please, just add him.
Logan Forsythe – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 16th homer. Yes, you would’ve been better off drafting Forsythe in the 4th round rather than Rendon.
Mike Mahtook – 1-for-4, 2 runs and his 4th homer. Fun fact! When Mahtook was in high school English, his teacher would say, “No, it’s taken.”
Jake Odorizzi – 6 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.21. Hey, that’s the password for my luggage backwards.
J.A. Happ – 6 IP, 2 ER, 3 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 1.79 on the Pirates. It’s 3.87 overall, but it doesn’t matter. Not enough season left to worry about what someone did in June. Happ’s in one of those dream states like Inception, if Inception was about a pitcher in the zone and not about a bunch of stuff that I don’t understand. Happ should just be owned. In every league. Matchup doesn’t even matter at this point.
Jung-ho Kang – 1-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 15th homer, a grand salami. Or as they call it in Korea, ballgogi.
Todd Frazier – 1-for-2, 2 RBIs and his 31st homer. The Cracker Barrel smelling salts finally reached him!
Joey Votto – 1-for-3, 1 run as he was ejected for arguing balls and strikes. He slammed his helmet down and said, “I’m gonna let Skip take it from here!” Then Bryan Price came out onto the field and said, “Ump, why don’t you bend over and use your good eye? You are the f***ing stupidest f***ing motherf***er I’ve ever f***ing seen! And I’ve seen some stupid motherf***ing idiots! I once saw a motherf***er break a ketchup bottle while trying to condimentize his motherf***ing burger! I once watched a Vine of someone purposely getting kicked in the nuts. Now that motherf***er was stupid! But you take the motherf***ing stupid cake! Now kick me out of the game before I further upset that child in the 1st row.”