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Orelvis Martinez was hit with an 80-game suspension, which is just a perfect encapsulation of the Jays’ season. It’s the Curse of Ohtani’s Plane is In-Flight to Toronto. Highly touted rookie comes up, plays in his 1st MLB game, 24 hours later, suspended for 80 games. That’s the land-speed record for PEDs. Was he taking PEDs just to make his flight to Toronto? Oh, I see! It’s even better, Orelvis said he accidentally took fertility drugs, saying, “We wanted to keep this matter private, even within our family, and trusted the doctor who assured us this treatment did not include performance-enhancing drugs.” What exactly is the “performance” he was trying to enhance? By the way, a 22-year-old says it’s for fertility? Ow, eye roll headache! “Please, officer, I was just trying to have a baby.” Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend:

Psyche! If you want to take part in the RazzBowl, click that link and sign up. It’s free to play. It’s basically the RazzSlam, but for football. Anyway II, the roundup:

Jordan Romano – Shut down with renewed elbow soreness. Damn, I thought he’d be the first pitcher to have elbow soreness, do nothing, and be fine again in two weeks. “Romano, cover your mouth when you cheese! Ugh, now Yimi has elbow soreness, too!” Therefore, Chad Green seems to be the guy, until he’s not.

Yusei Kikuchi – 2 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 4.00. Rain delay didn’t help. Though, the rain was from God who owns Kikuchi in his fantasy league, so Kikuchi was kinda responsible for the rain delay too.

Spencer Horwitz – 2-for-3, 3 runs, and his 1st and 2nd homer. Did Orelvis slip him some babymaking drugs? Haven’t gone over Horwitz in-depth, because anyone who sounds like my accountant I can’t take serious. Also, he’s exactly the type that is interesting in the big picture, and not in the micro, because he’s a hit tool guy first, i.e., he might hit .290 and 10/10 over the course of 162. It’s better for deeper leagues than shallower, and he platoons out vs. lefties. Though, maybe that happens less if the Jays are sellers in July.

Vladimir Guerrero Jr. – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer. Yawn. I see now why Vlad Sr. had 12 Vlads. I’m ready to see what the next one’s cooking.

Ben Lively – 5 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.03. He was throwing his 89 MPH fastball past Springer and I’ll admit to cackling. DFA Springer yesterday, brah.

Steven Kwan – 2-for-5 and his 7th homer, 2nd homer in as many games, hitting .390. Check out Stede Kwilliams!

Josh Naylor – 3-for-5, 2 runs and his 20th homer. Yaylor!

Jared Jones – 7 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.66. This start was vs. the Rays, and their hitting low-key sucks. Though, it was nice to see Jared Jones stop the backsliding like he was at Class Action Park.

David Bednar – Hit the IL with an oblique strain. Aroldis Chapman will now be called on to close, and show why he’s the sweatiest pitcher in MLB, while making you sweat more.

Paul Skenes – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 2.14. He’s only pitching this well because the Pirates taught him how to field bunts in the minors for five weeks.

Yandy Diaz – 3-for-4, and his 6th homer, and 2nd homer in four games. Yandy’s been schmotato’ing since last week, if he was dropped in your league.

Drew Thorpe – 6 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners (4 BBs), 5 Ks, ERA at 5.02. Okay, but where is Drew Bledsoe and what does he think of Bill Belichick dating someone 40 years younger? Hmm, inquiring minds! Thorpe’s four walks worry me. Unless he was walking to the newsstand for the latest Belichick relationship gossip! Streamonator hates Thorpe’s next, and I don’t trust him.

Jonathan Cannon – 1 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 4.59. Thorpe last Sunday, Cannon this Sunday? White Sox starters might not be good, but they know how to lower their FAAB bids.

Kenta Maeda – 4 2/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 6.00. Geneva Conventions passed a law recently that the Tigers have to stop abusing Maeda, and let him retire. Let’s see if they acquiesce.

Reese Olson – 6 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 4 hits, zero walks, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.35. A double sonavabench last week from Olson is not a scar that heals. It gets covered in layers of epidermis, and eventually stops hurting, but it’s always there.

Riley Greene – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 15th homer. Mr. Prorater, if you don’t mind. “Say no more. Riley will be 31/10/.260 for the year. Not a bad sleeper, if someone called him that.”

Colt Keith – 4-for-5, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his 4th homer. Cool Colt Keith having one ultramagnetic game amongst many forgettable ones.

Connor Wong – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer. [tastefully changing fantasy team name to Got Wong, Houck Tuah]

Rob Refsnyder – 1-for-4, 2 RBis and his 3rd homer. “Thought he had knee soreness.” That’s me explaining why I have Refsnyder on my bench. Though, I played Loperfido over him and this is now a shaggy dog story.

Nick Lodolo – 4 2/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 2.96. Dealing with a blister. If Lodolo pitches poorly, there’s a 99.99999999% chance he’s injured. And a 00.00000001% chance he’s saying he’s healthy and lying.

J.D. Davis – Acquired by the Yanks. Aaron Boone saw too much upside in Ben Rice, and felt the need to platoon him.

Giancarlo Stanton – Hit the IL with a hamstring strain. Ugh, Big G, my love, you were only supposed to do that if Dominguez was healthy. Oswald Peraza was called up, and promptly benched for Trent Grisham, because Aaron Boone hates upside. Though, in fairness, Oswald hasn’t done anything this year in the minors.

Jarred Kelenic – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer, hitting .270. Hitting near-.400 as a leadoff man over 38 ABs. [cracking the pickles jar on the counter top edge] Jarred loose!

Jordan Hicks – 4 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 3.24. Like my dog Ted, do I smell a ball change? Are we getting juiced balls? Is it the weather heating up? Will we see more homers this year? I have questions, y’all!

Patrick Bailey – 1-for-4 and his 6th homer, hitting .292. Bailey is the Joey Bart Giants fans were promised.

Miles Mikolas – 6 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 4.68. After much handwringing, I finally picked up Mikolas, and he almost handwrung my bell. [sees the Streamonator sorta likes his next one] Oh, boy, I guess I’m being handstrung along for another.

Sonny Gray – 7 IP, 1 ER, 1 hit, zero walks, 8 Ks, ERA at 2.81. Broken record with this guy, but he’s always underrated.

Bailey Ober – 9 IP, 2 ER, 4 hits, zero walks, 10 Ks, ERA at 4.50. He was in the 7th inning, throwing a pristine game and he gave up a run and I started screaming to pull him, then I saw he was only at 62 pitches. So, then I started whispering quietly for him to get pulled. Turned out, I was being unnecessarily p-noid. Ober is a buy low if he’s finding the plate again, and nine innings with zero walks tells me he is, but, yes, there’s a caveat: It was the A’ss.

Byron Buxton – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer. Weird that he finally figured out how to stay healthy. By sucking.

Pablo Lopez – 8 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 14 Ks, ERA at 5.11. As I always say, a great pitcher is one that only takes three months of terrible starts to get to the reason you drafted him. I’ve been saying Pab-Lo is a buy low for the last–well, the whole season, basically. Now I don’t want to say it, because this start has raised expectations and his owners are now like, “You can try to pry him from my cold, dead hands.”

Ronel Blanco – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.34. Me flippantly ignoring Ronel after his no-hitter as just a one-off, random well-pitched game was a top ten mistake this year. I think it’s #8. Depends if Oneil Cruz ever gets going and moves up or down.

Jose Altuve – 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 12th homer. “Four feet and 12 homers ago…” That’s Altuve orating, while dressed as Abe Lincoln.

Framber Valdez – 7 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.68. He seems to get right to about 3.50 ERA, then coughs up some runs, moves to a 4 ERA, then the cycle starts again.

Albert Suarez – 5 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 2.70. Damn, a terrible pitcher didn’t magically become great. Stupid dead ball not being dead enough!

Jordan Westburg – 1-for-4 and his 13th homer, and 2nd homer in two games, and 3rd homer in a week. For Westburg, go north, ball!

Tylor Megill – 3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 4.81. People telling me Megill has great stuff, nodding, then, when they finish, I ask, “So, why isn’t he good?”

Luis Severino – 6 IP, 0 ER, 3 hits, zero walks, 10 Ks, ERA at 3.29. This start was called by experts, “If the Mets are sellers, Severino wants the hell out.”

Brandon Nimmo – 1-for-4 and his 11th homer, 2nd homer in three games, 3rd homer in five games, 4th homer in a week. Thought Nimmo was sleeping with the fishes metaphorically, but turned out to be literal, and now he’s found.

Francisco Lindor – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and a slam (13) and legs (13). Check out, Mr. OCD!

Edwin Diaz – Was ejected for sticky stuff, and will be suspended for 10 games. Gotta say that this is one of the most telling suspensions in recent times. It’s like, “I know I’ve lost a mile on the ol’ fastball. I know my stuff isn’t as good, but if I can just get a little sticky-tacky past the powers that be, then I can regain a little past glory on a national stage.” It’s Shakespearean, almost.

Jameson Taillon – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 hits, zero walks, 10 Ks, ERA at 2.90. The power of Grimace compels you! The power of Grimace compels you! The power–Oh my God, what’s Taillon doing? Why is he dropping trou over Grimace’s head–Oh God! Hide your eyes! This is revolting!

Javier Assad – 4 1/3 IP, 4ER, ERA at 3.04. Hmm, I should prolly get out now that he has, like, a 5+ ERA in June.

Jake Irvin – 6 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 3.13. This start was in Coors, and it is very funny to me that my Irvin waiver wire pickup is better than Jesus Luzardo. Very, very funny. [sobs]

Michael King – 6 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 3.75. I believe he’s what they call erratic, while cornering the market on “giving ulcers.”

Tobias Myers – 5 IP, 1 ER, 5 hits, zero walks, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.12. Just looked at his stats and they were pretty yawnstipating – 7.8 K/9, 2.8 K/9. Streamonator doesn’t like his next start, either. With that said, I just lost my Marlins starters (a blessing, no doubt), and I’m trying Myers in deeper leagues.

Michael Wacha – 5 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.07 as he was activated from the IL. When the Royals signed Lugo and Wacha, I was the only one that seemed enthused, and Wacha is exactly in Lugo’s mold. What a fun guy! Wacha, Wacha, Wacha!

Jon Gray – 6 IP, 0 ER, 2 hits, zero walks, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.03. I thought Gray was cooked, but you can’t cook guys named Gray (alternate spelling).

Max Scherzer – 5 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, zero walks, 4 Ks, as he was activated from the IL. As you’ll hear in real time on this week’s podcast, I learn Scherzer was always good. It is true. He also didn’t have a shoulder or elbow issue, so I think he can be effective in his return. He does have recurring back issues, and anyone over the age of 35 will tell you those don’t just go away. Without the help of a chiropractor! Sorry, my mom’s a chiro and I’m required by familial law to say it.

Josh Jung – Will take batting practice on Tuesday and could be activated shortly after. C’mon, man, while we’re still Jung.

Josh H. Smith – 1-for-4 and his 7th homer, 2nd homer in two games, third homer of the week. H. is for Hot Schmotato.

Cristopher Sanchez – 7 IP, 0 ER, 3 hits, zero walks, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.67. He’s the first pitcher ever to get a crazy contract and do well. I think, don’t fact check me.

Taijuan Walker – Hit the IL with index finger inflammation. Hilarity ensued when he tried to point to it. Turnbull will take his slot, and I tried to grab him.

Logan Gilbert – 8 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.71. LoGi is a top 9-ish pitcher. Ish because I lost count after seven.

Bryce Miller – 4 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 3.90. Marlins look like one of the best teams in history to stream against and Bryce Miller does straight doody? C’mon, man!

Luke Raley – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer, 2nd homer this week, barely. No relation.

Jesus Sanchez – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 7th homer, 3rd homer in the last week. Jesus is the entire Marlins offense. Holy shizz.

Jesus Luzardo – Hit the IL with a lumbar stress reaction. He’s been clearly injured all year. Wish he was just shut down months ago rather than whatever it was that he did on my fantasy teams.

Braxton Garrett – Hitting the IL with elbow soreness. He was shutdown on February 16th with soreness in his shoulder. The report at the time read, “The Marlins aren’t overly concerned.” Hmm, and I don’t know, speculating here, pausing for emphasis, maybe they should’ve been concerned. I am not a soothsayer. I do not say soothes. But if you’re taking the under on innings from anyone with arm concerns, you’re winning that bet at a way better rate than Tucupita Marcano.

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