Yesterday, Anthony Rendon went 6-for-6, 5 runs, 10 RBIs and his first three homers of the year. *gulps* Sonavabench! That is worst sonavabench I’ve had in my life and I thought my worst sonavabench was when I benched Conforto on Saturday for his double slam and legs. Five homers on my bench in two days. I feel a little uneasy from this sonavbenching. Is woozy a side effect of sonavabench? I feel legit woozy. I need to sit down. *vomits* I feel worse. “Hello, I need a paramedic. The problem? I BENCHED RENDON FOR THE TOP OFFENSIVE GAME OF THE SEASON! Yes, I have insurance. No, it’s not an HMO.” *turns on oven, sticks head in oven, reads The Bell Jar lit by the pilot light* This book is so boring, at what point does Plath mention Rendon and bite the big one? So, yeah, I’m an idiot for benching Rendon, but what can do, as my Polish neighbor used to say. On the bright side, he appears out of his early season slump. That’s a consolation prize like coming in second on The Bachelor and all you get is herpes. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:
Adam Eaton – Bad news, Adam Eaton out for the year. Good news, no more of Adam Eaton’s wife’s cooking! You know how I make up quotes and we all have a laugh? Well, this is an actual quote from Dusty on Saturday, “…we’re waiting from the MRI because it’s not that easy, not that many people working on Saturdays.” I’m sorry, but Eaton is making $4 million this year and you don’t have a doctor on call? Is this serious? If I sprained my knee and went to the ER, I bet I could find a doctor. “Excuse me, nurse, I was just shot in my butt. What’s that? Since it’s Friday night, I have to wait until Monday morning? Shucks, do you have any rags I can press on the wound in the meantime?” This is insane! They are a franchise that has an operating budget of $304 million and you can’t find someone to look at an MRI on Saturday?! Any hoo! As you know, they found someone to do an MRI on Sunday and Eaton’s done. Called up to replaced him was Rafael Bautista, who has insane speed — stole 56 bases in Double-A last year, and Michael Taylor, who might be the last Bowden fluffer walking the planet. Bowden fluffer and flat-billed pitchypus are two endangered glossary terms. As of now, they’re NL-Only plays, but Michael Taylor’s intriguing. (Not just to Bowden, by the by). He has a solid mix of power and speed, but, man, he’s flamed out so many times.
Matt Wieters – 3-for-4, 4 RBIs and two homers (3, 4), hitting .301. For the people asking to drop Wieters for Random Schmohawk Catcher behind Door #1, let’s make a deal, just start Wieters until he’s hitting below .260 and stop with the catcher scab picking.
Stephen Strasburg – 7 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 3.09. In the preseason, Strasburg said he’d rely less on the slider, due to arm concerns, and so far he’s held true to his word. He is throwing his curve a lot more though, so I’m not sure how that helps in the big picture. Either way, Strasburg’s Ks are way down. From 11+ K/9 to barely 8 with some rounding up.
Joe Ross – 4 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 7.47. That’s the ERA you have when you’re pitching as well as United’s customer service.
Jeurys Familia – 1 IP, 0 ER and the save on Saturday. That should be it for Reed’s saves, barring an injury to Familia or someone giving him lip.
Zack Wheeler – 4 2/3 IP, 1 ER, ERA at 4.78. I call this…A Short History Of Mets Pitchers. Chapter 1: Competing for playoffs and throw everyone for way too many innings. Chapter 2: The End. Told you it was short.
Noah Syndergaard – Was pulled from Sunday’s start with “Mets can’t have anything nice.” The Mets are saying Syndergaard will go for an MRI for a potential lat strain. A ‘lat strain’ with the Mets can mean anything from a head cold to torn elbow tendon.
Lucas Duda – Had a small setback in his rehab, when he felt a twinge in his elbow. Fun fact! Twinge Elbow is a cousin to Trey Wingo.
Gary Sanchez – Expects to return this week, which should excite absolute no one because you don’t draft top catchers, right? You did? Oh, prematurely balding man, you hurt me so.
Michael Pineda – 5 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.14. That makes him Pi-neda.
Jordan Montgomery – 5 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners (4 BBs), 7 Ks, ERA at 4.15 vs. Wade Miley – 5 IP, 2 ER, 13 baserunners (5 BBs), 6 Ks, ERA at 2.32. This matchup was billed as, “Grey is completely uninterested in both of these pitchers outside of favorable matchups and very deep leagues.” As you can imagine, not many people outside of me call this matchup that.
Matt Holliday – 2-for-4 and his 4th homer and 2nd homer in the past three games, hitting .333 in the last week. Could be a hot schmotato, but, beyond that, look how sad he looks. Someone needs a holiday.
Mike Leake – 6 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 1.35. Damn, I meant to stream him yesterday, but I was obviously too busy benching Rendon. Priorities are like Regression Fairies, and I can’t keep them straight.
Adam Duvall – 4-for-5, 2 runs, 1 RBI, hitting .247. Not totally related, but member when we were wondering how the Reds would keep two leadoff men in the lineup at once? One’s hitting .213 and ones’ hitting .226 and no one wants either in their lineup. At least they’re stealing bases. I’m farting in your general direction, Dee Gordon. Okay, now I’m way off topic, which is totally bizarre for me. Ow! Eye roll headache!
Aaron Sanchez – Was activated but needed to leave after one inning. Hopefully Aaron Sanchez’s finger doesn’t need to be Chopped. Ted Allen, “In the dessert basket, we have rhubarb, Teddy Grahams and Aaron Sanchez’s finger.” Cheftestant, “I cooked the nail in brown butter to make a toffee, and used the pressure cooker on the knuckle.” The Jays are calling it a reoccurrence of “Hill Disease.” It causes shortened outings from a hill, such as: Rich Hill and Lauryn Hill.
Francisco Liriano – 5 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners (4 BBs), 6 Ks, ERA at 3.97. You know who Liriano is? An old Pineda. I will call him, Busted Candy.
Steven Souza – Left Saturday after being hit on the hand. X-rays came back negative, but he’s such an injury magnet, he stuck to the x-ray machine like he was wearing Letterman’s velcro suit.
Nelson Cruz – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer, hitting .315, and this was 5th home run in six games. If you’re a Cruz owner, you’re gonna blink and wake up with 15 HRs from Cruz. Or wake up with a new wife, depending on what you wish for.
Michael Brantley – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer, hitting .308. That’s not Michael Brantley, it’s Michael Biehn in…The Rise of the Zombino.
Brandon Crawford – Hit the DL with a strained groin, which he’s had for about a week already (he was on bereavement prior). Eduardo Nunez has been handling short in the mean’s time, but at any point Sabean could sign Julio Franco.
Ty Blach – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 1 K, ERA at 2.55. I told you to grab him in last Friday’s Buy, because the Stream-o-Nator liked him. Though, you gotta be slightly stunod to not start anyone vs. the Padres.
Tyler Skaggs – Hit the DL with a right oblique injury. This will open a rotation spot for…*looks at Angels’ minor league system* Wow, how do the Angels have such a terrible major league team and a poor minor league system? Is Arte Moreno okay? Did he short Facebook stock or something? I guess this means JC Ramirez (5 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 9 Ks) is in the rotation a bit longer, but he has a 4.23 ERA and hasn’t started games since Double-A in 2011. I think the Angels’ fans will be yelling JC, but not for Ramirez.
Kole Calhoun – 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 2nd homer. Last week I called him a hot schmotato. This week I’m saying, schom hotato!
Carlos Gomez – 1-for-3 and his 3rd steal as he hit for the cycle on Saturday. Funny, up until Saturday, you kinda wanted Gomez to get hit by a cycle.
Delino DeShields – 1-for-3, 1 run and his 5th steal, hitting .258. Looking more and more cemented at the top of the Rangers’ lineup, now hopefully I don’t imagine him walking on water again and we’ll be okay.
David Freese – Hit the DL with a strained hamstring. The Pirates called up Danny Ortiz briefly on Saturday. They call him Medium-Sized Papi. But he was sent back down, and the Pirates will rely on Gift Ngoepe, whose name literally translates from African to English as “gifting someone a toupee.”
Ivan Nova – 9 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 1.50. “And my greatest accomplishment is…Ivan Nova!” That’s Ray Searage as his son looks on forlornly.
Josh Bell – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and a slam (4) and legs (1), and four homers in the last ten games, and hitting over-.300 in the last week, and hitting .500 in the last day, well, okay, you know that part already.
Justin Bour – 4-for-6, 6 RBIs and his 4th homer, hitting .222. I know I’ve said this before, but I really think Bour has to get hot at some point, and coming off this game is as good a time as any.
Eduardo Rodriguez – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 2.70. His Ks are so insane right now — 12 K/9. *smacks self* But his walks are terrible. Buh-buh-buh-but those Ks! He gets the Twins next time out, and I could see giving him a little how’s your father.
Miguel Sano – 3-for-5, 5 RBIs and his 7th homer, hitting .316. I’m gonna go out on a 117-year-old oak limb and say Sano isn’t a .300+ hitter suddenly. Suddenly Seymour! Standing beside me! With sweet understanding! Seymour’s my friend… Sorry, every time I hear someone say ‘suddenly’ I start singing that song. That’s not annoying at all.
Lorenzo Cain – 1-for-5 and his 1st homer. “So, you’re saying the 2017 season started already?” That’s Lorenzo Cain.
Miguel Gonzalez – 6 IP, 6 ER, ERA up to 3.27. The Regression Fairies protest gender-specific bathrooms, they follow Streisand on Twitter, and they will destroy your ratios.
Jose Abreu – 2-for-4, 1 RBI and two homers (1, 2) on Saturday. Please let this be the start of a month-long barrage of wonderful. From my mouth to Giancarlo’s ears.
Todd Frazier – 1-for-3 and his 3rd homer, hitting .183. As someone who is still sick to his stomach over Rendon’s sonavabench, I’d be careful about benching Frazier.
Aaron Nola – Was hoping to return today, but he’s still out with back soreness. He’s still young, but there’s definitely some signs that Nola is nothing but a Rumpelpitchskin.
Zach Eflin – 7 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 1.89. He has a 5-something K/9 and a 4.64 xFIP, i.e., Start him? You gotta be Eflin kidding me.
Cody Bellinger – 1-for-4 as he hit two home runs on Saturday, hitting .286. Not to call out people, but literally the day before he hit two home runs, someone commented that Bellinger would need to be sent back down, because he didn’t look right in his first seven or so at-bats. Guys and five girl readers, you should give top prospects a bit more time to settle in.
Andrew Toles – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 5th homer, and 2nd in as many games. Hot schmotato, and star of the upcoming series, Snowfall.
Freddie Freeman – 1-for-3 and his 9th homer, hitting .381. ‘Member in the preseason and I was like, “Why doesn’t everyone have Freeman ranked higher?” Yeah, still no clue. Why people didn’t have Odor ranked higher? Well, that I’m starting understand more clearly. I’m kidding, can’t give up yet!
Mike Foltynewicz – 6 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.81. Bit of a box scare because Faultywirewitz gave up three more unearned runs to make the start seem worse on paper, if that paper were a box score in a newspaper, if they still make those things. As for Foltynedaly, I’d use him as a streamer, and Stream-o-Nator is kinda bleh on his next start, but I could see it in deeper mixed leagues.
Domingo Santana – 2-for-3, 4 RBIs and his 4th and 5th homers, hitting .197. If only someone could convince him to change his first name before each game.
Dallas Keuchel – 7 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 1.21. I’ve been saying he’s back for a few weeks now, and that’s me vaguely paraphrasing me!
Jesse Hahn – 6 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.25. Hmm, I used to like Hahn, time to look at his peripherals again. *looks* Bleh. Oh, you want to know what I saw? You’re greedy. 7.3 K.9, 2.5 BB/9, 4.03 xFIP, decent fastball, solid park, terrible team. Looks like a MediOAKer to me.
Sean Manaea – Hit the DL with a shoulder strain. He’s expected to miss only one start, but now that the stupid MLB made the DL so short, everyone’s on the DL.
Rajai Davis – Will return on Tuesday when first eligible. Speaking of eligible, one of my girlfriends, who is on Tinder (or Bumble or something), swiped right on this guy.
Andrew Triggs – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 1.89. Sonavabench! You know how a broken clock is right twice a day? Well, I start Triggs all those other times that the clock is wrong.
Ian Desmond – 1-for-5 as he was activated. Kevin from ESPN’s “Get Him In Your Lineup” Department said, “I’m sorry about putting Saran Wrap over all the toilets on the 3rd floor. How was I supposed to know Francine in HR was doing a Chipotle run for lunch?”
Patrick Corbin – 6 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.29. Terrific, awesome, adjective, but he goes to Coors next.
Fernando Rodney – 1 IP, 3 ER on Saturday. Here’s what I said on Friday, “The Diamondbacks’ closer shituation is a total mess. Hoover sounds like he sucks and/or blows, Rodney sounds like he gets no respect, and George of the Roses sounds like a B&W professional wrestler, which is good until you think about how wrestling wasn’t ‘cool’ until the 1980s and how freakin’ sad a 1950’s wrestler must be. George of the Roses probably chilled with George Reeves and they talked about how they wanted to commit suicide. How depressing, nice to see you, now please leave. I’d back up Rodney with Hoover, but I have no faith in this shituation.” And that’s me quoting me!
Shelby Miller – Will have Tommy John surgery. Ex-Diamondbacks’ GM Dave Stewart said, “I’d trade another three prospects for Shelby if I could make him healthy and have him throw a 5.50 ERA again. The higher the ERA the better, right? Meh, not important, do you know some ‘nerds’ spell karate as ‘K-rate?'”
