Joey Gallo, Aaron Judge and Giancarlo walk into a bar. The bar says, “Ow.” There should be an All-Star Game weekend festivity where Gallo, Judge and Giancarlo hit home runs and people guess how far it went, but they guess in miles. “I’m gonna say that went 4.5 miles.” “Ooh, sorry, there’s no such number as ‘point.’ You don’t win a house.” Gallo doesn’t hit mammoth shots. Mammoth shots hit home runs and say, “That was a Gallo shot.” Have you seen one of his homers? Picture a ball sailing about 550 feet and screaming, “Holy crap, how am I getting back home?” Home run balls he hits call Uber after Gallo hits ’em. So, I’m obviously a fan, and Beltre doesn’t even have a return date yet. This might be one of those situations where Beltre is gone for another month and, even when he returns, Gallo just moves to the outfield. It’s slightly ridiculous he’s available in so many leagues, and I’d remedy that. Immediatemente. That’s immediately in Spanish. I did take 13 years of Spanish, after all. You’re gracias. Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:
Austin Hedges – On the team where I drafted Hedges, I have an 0-for-18 from Hedges, then I dropped him for Travis d’ohArmnooooo, who went 1-for-8, and he was gone for Sandy Leon, who went 0-for-3, and bye-bye to Alex Avila, who went 1-for-5 with a homer, but I dropped him too for Tony Wolters, who is hitting .500 on my team in 12 at-bats and who I’m now holding until prolly, I don’t know, tomorrow. My point? I should’ve just Ron Popeil’d my catcher and Set it and Forget It with Hedges, instead I’ve been picking my catcher scab and it has not worked out at all.
Mitch Moreland – There’s a chance here that Moreland is still not owned in leagues, because some of the people in fantasy leagues, between their drafts and the season starting, were playing freeze tag and it didn’t work out well for them. They’re frozen with pigeons landing on them and doing poos, but if people aren’t frozen grab Moreland.
Yulieski Gurriel – Is he now going by Yuli? If I were him, I would’ve changed my name to Yuliesnowboard. Any hoo! Gurriel has been hot recently, though legit not doing much but getting base-knocks, which I guess is enough.
Kolten Wong – I know I’m not the only one having this problem. I go to waivers and I look for free agents. I really need a middle infielder, but all I see is a bunch of corner infidels. On one team, I’m currently rocking Mitch “Don’t Kill My Vibe” Moreland, Anthony “The Suck” Rendon, Torenado, Mini Donkey, Travis Phshaw, and Jose “Nearly As Sucky As Rendon” Abreu and every time I look at waivers there’s still more corner men, but middle infielders are like, “Um, well, I guess Wong’s playing.”
Hernan Perez – When Perez went off the other day, I was in a Consumer Value Store (CVS, to those not in the know). I saw Perez was heating up right as an old lady asked me, “Sonny, could you help me get down a box of Wheat Thins?” I was like, “I’m not Sonny Gray, and here!” I threw the box at her while I was picking up Hernan Perez on my phone. That’s how quick I need to react when players get hot. How is Hernan still available in your leagues? Don’t you need to get guys crazy fast? I have a deal with Prospector Ralph (who did a great job covering for me this morning, because I had a friend in from Dubai). When someone needs to be picked up, we text each other and I literally stop everything and grab guys. This is Prospector Ralph the other day, “Cody Bellinger called up.” Nothing else! That’s it! And I screeched to the side of the highway, and grabbed him in all my leagues. Well, all leagues except the league I’m in with PR.
Ryon Healy – Okay, not hot, but I still have faith like Edward Norton in that movie I thought was about Billy Joel.
Taylor Motter – I almost made Motter the lede this week, but as I started doing a long string of “Yo Motter” jokes — Yo Motter is so fat her blood type is gravy! — I thought about how we want to highlight baseball skills and not Catskills. I’m sorry, Motter, I never meant to hurt you. I never meant to make you cry, but tonight, I’m cleanin’ out my light-power, light-speed composite.
Christian Arroyo – Here’s what I said previously about Arroyo, “This year, he led Triple-A with a .446 average, which was being bolstered, oh, just a tad, by his .481 BABIP. He’s got little pop and less speed. Man, where do the Giants find these guys? It’s like Matt Duffy was traded away by the Giants, and, on his way out the door, he took a massive dump, and Sabean watered that for nine months and now they have Arroyo.” And that’s me quoting me!
Tim Beckham – So hizzot it’s ridunkulous. So hizzot I can’t even talk like a normal person. I’m jibber-jabbering!
Amed Rosario – The other day Lenny Dykstra posted a video saying the Mets should call up Amed to spark their offense, and, for a guy that was likely on serious drugs and within a few hours of ending up in prison again, he was making sense. The Mets need a spark.
David Peralta – You need to platoon him out when the D-Backs face lefties, because Peralta tends to sit vs. them, but he’s been good enough vs. righties that he’s worth owning.
Delino DeShields – The Dentist says, “Aaaaaaaahh…” and it’s less like “Aaaaaaaahh, that hurts really bad; don’t you have nitrous I can suck into my face,” and more like, “Aaaaaaaahh, all right let’s see something because I picked you back up.”
Michael Conforto – Now that Cespedes strained a hammy in one of his hundred legs, Conforto will be a starter for the foreseeable future. If he makes good on his promise for the next, say two-three weeks, then Conforto will be one of those guys people look back on in September as someone they wished they owned. If you can find room for him, do it, as Ben Stiller said in that awful movie. No, not that awful one, the other awful one. No, not the Billy Joel one with Edward Norton.
Kevin Pillar – I grabbed him a couple weeks ago when he was hot, and have held him because he’s stayed productive. In a way, he’s set up shop on my team. I guess, considering Pillar, he’s more become a statue of sorts.
Aaron Altherr – You know the place Parts Unknown? No, of course you don’t! It’s Parts Unknown! It’s in the name! But, with that in mind, for Reasons Unknown, the Phils sometimes play Saunders and Nava and not Altherr, but, like a fireman would say, the latter has been hot.
Jarrod Dyson – SAGNOF!
Scott Schebler – If you’ve been reading Razzball for a minute, which is actually a long time according to the Urban Dictionary, then you know Schebler was on a bunch of my deeper league teams last year because Steamer loved him for years. Yeah, well, as you can imagine, I didn’t draft Schebler this year. Fool me once shame on you! Fool me twice–Wait, by not drafting him this year, I have been fooled twice, haven’t I? What if you don’t know you’ve been fooled twice? Is there a saying for this, George Bush?
Hector Neris – This is weird (not funny or interesting). Neris is owned in 13% less leagues than Brad Brach. I know there’s Joaquin Benoit in Philly, but there’s a commoner of the British empire in Baltimore that will definitely replace Brach. I told you weird, but not funny or interesting.
Matt Bush – If you could read between the lines of my previous blurb, you’ll realize Bush is also owned in less leagues than Brach. Oh em gee, I just realized something! There’s lots of elderly women playing fantasy baseball and Brach reminds them of hard candies. That might also be why Gausman is owned in so many leagues still, because their husbands have random cuts that they can’t explain and have wrapped themselves in gauze. Wait again! That might be why that woman in CVS said, “Wheat Thins–Did you say Hernan Perez is hot?!”
Bud Norris – Appears locked into the Angels’ closer role. Yes, that is as sad as it sounds.
J.J. Hoover – The Diamondbacks’ closer shituation is a total mess. Hoover sounds like he sucks and/or blows, Rodney sounds like he gets no respect, and George of the Roses sounds like a B&W professional wrestler, which is good until you think about how wrestling wasn’t ‘cool’ until the 1980s and how freakin’ sad a 1950’s wrestler must be. George of the Roses probably chilled with George Reeves and they talked about how they wanted to commit suicide. How depressing, nice to see you, now please leave. I’d back up Rodney with Hoover, but I have no faith in this shituation.
Hyun-Jin Ryu – The Stream-o-Nator is willing to give Ryu another chance, and I don’t think it’s simply because the Stream-o-Nator is lonely and cuts pictures of people out of magazines and talks to them.
Adrian Gonzalez – Most of my sells are about trading and ‘being a salesman at a car dealership and wheeling-slash-dealing.’ Um, yeah, in shallower leagues, A-Gon can likely be dropped. Or maybe added to another trade as a sweetener, like how fructose is a sweetener that causes diabetes.
Chris Davis – Grey’s cleaning out his power 1st basemen composites! Unlike A-Gon, I’d try to get something for Chris Davis, but I think the days of getting something you actually want in return might be over. I don’t know, try it and let me know how it goes (don’t tell me).
Julio Teheran – Something’s wrong with Teheran. Maybe it’s the Muslim ban. Did his fastball get stuck in customs? Asking for a friend, if I were friends with Teheran. His fastball is way down, his Ks are bleh and his xFIP is 5.20. Okay, trouble. I wouldn’t sell Teheran for a ticket to see Danny Pintauro’s one man show, “I’m Now The Boss!” But I would explore options.