Uh-oh, the double lede! This is more spectacular than the double rainbow. WHOA, DOUBLE LEDE! Alex Cobb threw a gem yesterday — 8 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners (2 Hits), 4 Ks, ERA at 3.73, but his brother from another mother and father, Alex Colome blew the game, going 1 IP, 2 ER, and now has given up seven earned — sevearned? — in his last three appearances. Alex Cobb carried a no-hitter into the 7th and was so good yesterday that Robert Wuhl is writing the screenplay to Cobb 2: More Corn. However, do the Rays play Blondie “Call Me” when Colome comes in? If so, stop! If not, give it a try because we need to shake things up. I grabbed Danny Farquhar before the game even ended. Lord Farq could get a few saves if Colome remains dreck. …Cause somebody once told me that Farquhar is an ‘own me,’ and I ain’t the sharpest tool in the shed! Colome was looking kind of dumb with a crooked number on the board and an L shape hanging on his scorecard. Well, the years start coming– Okay, I will stop now. In the end, Tommy Hunter got the save after the blown save, so he could also be in the mix if Colome needs a little rest. In one league, I grabbed Farquhar; in one league, I grabbed Hunter for ye ol’ hedge. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Felipe Rivero – 1 IP, 1 ER in a tie game. Sure, this wasn’t a blown save, and, yup, his ERA is only 0.88, but why do I feel like this the opportunity C**nt has been waiting for to f**k us? And it gives me no pleasure saying that.
Anthony Rizzo – 0-for-3, 1 run as he was moved back to the leadoff spot, after Willson Contreras hit leadoff yesterday with a homer. Maddon said, “If I could bat Rizzo and Bryant simultaneously at leadoff I would. Also, it would give me great pleasure to have Tommy bat 2nd, La bat third and Stella bat fourth.”
Addison Russell – Still out with a shoulder injury but the Cubs refuse to DL him. Conspiracy Theory Alert! Maddon is fine batting their biggest power threat leadoff while having him play 2nd base, and all sorts of other wacky things, but because he didn’t come up with the game strategy of “making the DL your extended bench” like the Dodgers, he won’t do it. He needs credit, that egomaniac! I’m bordering on libel, but I’m mad! DL Addison so I have some freakin’ room to pick up another player!
Jake Arrieta – 4 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 4.67. I told you not to draft him. I don’t say that to rub salt in the wounds. Besides, if you’re in a bath, and the salt is Epson, who wouldn’t want me rubbing them? No, I say it now to reaffirm that you shouldn’t be owning him, and his casual destruction of your ratios is not likely to stop.
Trea Turner – 2-for-4, 2 runs and four steals (28, 29, 30, 31, 32…Ugh, why can’t I ever count? Well, he has 32 steals now.) Arrieta/Montero were making Lester and Grandpa Rossy blush yesterday with all the steals they were allowing. Michael Taylor (2-for-4, 1 run, 2 RBIs — SCHMOTATO!) stole two bags and Rendon stole his 4th bag. Montero is 1 for 32 on the year throwing out runners. They’d have a better chance with a pitchback net.
Ryan Braun – 1-for-5, 1 run as he was activated from the DL. Halp and I (Gralp?) go over my thoughts on Braun on the latest podcast. Now in Doubly Audio! Not Dolby, but doubly, because we needed to record it twice due to a technical difficulty.
Jonathan Villar – Returned from the DL to sit on the bench. Gonna be hard for him to find time with Eric Sogard hitting so well. March Grey just did a spit take.
Orlando Arcia – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer. I haven’t talked much about Arcia this year, because he’s been so disappointing. I had high apple pie in the sky hopes for this guy. I drafted him in multiple leagues, even a 12-team mixed league. I’ve since moved on just about everywhere, but I could see moving back. At least temporarily since he’s hitting near .425 in the last week.
Travis Shaw – 1-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 16th homer. He’s not there yet, but he’s sneaking up on overtaking Thames for the Brewers’ team lead in homers. Do you think he gets there? You just mouthed the word yes and now people on the subway are looking at you funny.
Manny Pina – 2-for-3 and his 5th homer. That homer is like a drunk guy at a Jimmy Buffett concert: Manny Pina’s!
Junior Guerra – 4 IP, 8 ER, ERA up to 4.54. I’m so the wrong person to ask for positive thoughts for Guerra. I never liked him, and thought he was getting by last year on good vibes and bad farts, but this year, his peripherals look even worse. He was just hate-dropped in one of my NL-Only leagues, and I can’t argue with it.
Brandon Finnegan – Headed back to the DL with another shoulder injury. He should be fine (in two years). Ah, such critical info in that parenthetical.
Adam Duvall – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 17th homer, hitting .281. Also, in this game, Joey Votto (1-for-4, 2 RBIs) went dizzeep with his 21st; Billy Hamilton (2-for-5) said, “Yo, you gotta check out my rap musical,” with his 2nd homer, and Eugenio Suarez (1-for-2, 2 runs) crossed the Suarez Canal for his 12th.
Manuel Margot – 0-for-4 as he was activated from the DL. Margot had missed about a month with a sore calf, or as it’s known in Amish country, an aggravated baby cow. Margot is a solid bet for speed, if he can get on base. Sounds like the better part of the Padres team. Not ‘better part’ meaning more than half, but ‘better part’ meaning the part that is better than the useless part.
Jhoulys Chacin – 7 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.76. I know this isn’t usually the case with the Dodgers and Rockies in the NL West, but it seemed like yesterday everyone on the west coast was wearing a throwback uniform to the Dead Ball Era. You know the era, it was three years ago.
Sean Newcomb – 6 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 1.48. Oh, hey, it’s Bob Feller. Hey, Bob Feller! Say hello to your mother for me! Newcomb wasn’t even that good in the minors (mostly poor command), but he’s kept his walks in check, and is worth looking at in more mixed leagues. In still the shallowest leagues, I’d use the Stream-o-Nator for him.
Drew Smyly – Had a setback with his elbow and now there’s no timetable for his return and everyone should be like, “Why so Smyly?”
James Paxton – 7 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 3.44. No lie, I’m writing this after his first three no-hit innings, but before the rest of the game. Paxton is so Jekyll and Hyde. Of course, he looked incredible early on, only to falter later on. Maybe he should be a long reliever who starts games. Oh, and if he continues to throw a no hitter, then maybe you erase the earlier nonsense you wrote. This is a note to you, Grey. You don’t need to be writing it out. Also, walk Ted so he stops licking his Peacock.
Aaron Nola – 7 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 4.13. Unlike Paxton, I no longer have crazy high aspirations for the one they call Nola. A Quality Start and no blow up is all I ask.
Maikel Franco – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 10th homer, hitting .225 with a .285 OBP. Maybe it’s just the Phils, but I feel about Franco the exact same as I feel about Nola. Just give me some halfway decent mediocrity.
Aaron Altherr – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 13th homer, hitting .284. Could be the start of something again, but he’s been hitting for a decent average lately and not a whole lot else.
Corey Seager – Out with a sore hamstring. I’m guessing Puig sneezed on him. Stupid Puig!
Kenta Maeda – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.15. *goes to deli counter line that’s filled with Dodger pitchers, pulls number* Great, the number is July 18th. Maeda’s never getting these lox!
Joc Pederson – 1-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 7th homer, hitting over .400 in the last week with three homers, and we’ve got a full-blown schmotato! Get him while he’s hot!
Tyler Anderson – Will miss about four weeks as his knee is scoped. They’re sending in a miniature Dennis Quaid! Keeping the news on the Colorado starters, Jon Gray will return to the rotation on Friday. Just in time for the weather to hit boiling and for the balls to fly out of Coors. “Balls flying out of Coors” is also a hazing ritual in colleges.
Jeff Hoffman – 6 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.04. So, he’s still kinda safe in road games. Great, making a note. *licks pencil to make note, spits* That tastes like lead!
Danny Salazar – Ready for rehab games. Was he picnicking prior? That’s swell, Salazar. Any time you wanna, ya know, pitch, it would be appreciated.
Mike Clevinger – 6 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 3.56. Solid game, and not a terrible year for Clevinger so far, but I’d use the Stream-o-Nator for him still.
Carlos Gomez – Sitting out with back soreness. Damn, he has as many injuries as a guy who once did PEDs. Not that he ever did those. No, I would never suggest that8bewpsqwgd– Sorry, my fingers were crossed.
Adrian Beltre – 2-for-4 and his 5th homer, and, like, his 14th homer in the past three games. Doode is fire emoji. I’m so proud of him I just want to pat his head.
Robinson Chirinos – 1-for-2 and his 11th homer. See, you should’ve drafted a Rangers catcher, just not the one you did.
Tyson Ross – 6 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 6.14. He’s now alternated decent starts with “Wow, I will never forgive him for that start.” If my math is correct, he’s due for another blow up next.
Jason Grilli – Designated for assignment. If a Grilli can’t work in the summer, that would be sad.
Troy Tulowitzki – 1-for-4 and his 4th homer, hitting .242. This was his 2nd homer in the past three games, so maybe there’s a little somethingwitzki here.
Kevin Gausman – 5 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 6.07. I saw one fantasy site say Gausman was terrific yesterday. Um, two walks, four Ks in under six innings is terrific? That’s like telling a girl, “That’s never happened to me before.” Yeah, a’ight.
Matt Strahm – 3 2/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 5.61. I get the sense that The Strahm Experiment™ isn’t working.
J.D. Martinez – 2-for-3 and his 13th homer. When Just Dong homers, a bell gets its clapper.
Justin Verlander – 7 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.47. His Home ERA is barely above 2, while his Away ERA is 6.22. I wonder why Verlander enjoys being home so much.
Sean Manaea – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 12 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.87. This game came in Houston, so if you started him you have bigger balls than me. You have Samoan-sized balls.
Ryon Healy – 1-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 18th homer, a grand slam, hitting .274. I kept saying early on that in September you’d look back at Healy’s 27 homers and .270 average and wonder why you didn’t own him. If he only hits 27 homers, it’ll be because he retired in August.
George Springer – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 23rd homer. Also, his home run caused an easy save opportunity for Casilla so if you own both, I call cahoots!
Hanley Ramirez – Still out with his knee injury. I have it on good authority that Hanley is lowering your expectations even further than usual for his 2nd half come on. That authority is Red Sox Ralph. Ralph’s wearing so many hats, he’s going to get inducted into the Razzball Hall of Fame like Gaylord Perry with 25 teams on his jersey.
Drew Pomeranz – 5 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.81. Pomeranz just needs a two-hour rain delay after his first two innings to get him going! Guess you could say he was *pinkie to mouth* reined in.
Krispie Young – 1-for-3, 3 RBIs and a slam (4) and legs (3). There’s an oldie but goodie, huh? Krispie used to be to differentiate Chris B. from Chris Young, the pitcher. Now it’s Chris Young, the occasional Red Sox DH and Chris Young, the human ladder.
Christian Vazquez – 1-for-2, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and a slam (1) and legs (3). You watch his home run from last night, and you’re like, “Why doesn’t this guy hit 20 homers a year?” And, sadly, you’re watching the game on your iPad with headphones while in the bathroom and no one is there to answer you.
Eddie Rosario – 3-for-4, hitting near-.350 in the last week with a home run. The schmotato glow is light with this one, but it could grow.
Carlos Martinez – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 2.88 vs. Taijuan Walker – 6 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 11 baserunners, 0 Ks, ERA at 3.50. This game was billed as, “Grey loves both of these guys almost as much as their own mother, but Taijuan is like the son who you give freedom, and he gets hooked on opiates and you don’t see him until a chance run-in at a 7-11 parking lot.” As you can imagine, not a ton of people called it by that billing.
Michael Conforto – Still out with a sore hand. Meh, Collins didn’t want to start him anyway, so now they at least have an excuse. Hey, Mets, you’re the worst! Eat a D!
Robert Gsellman – 3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 6.16, and left with a strained hanstring. Too bad the Mets don’t have a different team’s training staff so they could DL Gsellman.
Curtis Granderson – 1-for-5 and his 11th homer, hitting .234. Conforto’s nursing his hand like he’s the mother of Brad Hand, but it still annoys me that Grandy is now suddenly the Mets’ leadoff hitter. The Mets are going nowhere fast this year, Grandy should either be the 4th outfielder or somewhere way down the lineup. Any the hoo! Grandy has two straight games with a homer, so he appears schmotatoey.
Jose Quintana – 6 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners (4 BBs), 6 Ks, ERA down to 4.37. I’d emphasize those four walks, but compared to how he looked in the opening months, this is a marked improvement.
Luis Severino – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 12 Ks, ERA at 3.15. Man, Severino is slicing that garlic mighty thin. I couldn’t stand Mira Sorvino because of her acting. I can’t stand Luis Severino because I don’t own him. McCullers, Severino or Wood? Easy choice? I don’t know.
Starlin Castro – Hit the DL with a hamstring strain. Replacing him on the roster is the SAGNOF demon seed, Tyler Wade. I just went over him yesterday. Click his name and it will magically transport you there and earn me an extra .0000001 of a cent.
Matt Holliday – Out again with fatigue. It’s Italian, it’s pronounced fah-tee-gay!
