Here’s what I said the other day, “Alek Manoah looks to me like Lance Lynn meets a background extra from Uncut Gems. Manoah looks like he will sell you a knockoff Rolex. I will call him a Rolek. His build is why the term big-bodied came to be defined. A Rolek looks like he could throw 200 IP without breaking a sweat, in one game. Everything I’ve seen has impressed me, from his 96 MPH fastball to his gorge 82 MPH slider. Roofies suck, so expectations in check, but you’ll never breathe if you can’t Blue Velvet an oxygen mask while watching a rookie starter.” And that’s me quoting me! Would like to add to that, Rolek looks like he’d be in Action Bronson’s crew. So, came away massively impressed by Rolek (6 IP, 0 ER, 2 hits, 2 walks, 7 Ks). 82 MPH slider with upwards to 43 inches of break is a ‘goodnight, see ya tomorrow’ pitch, that he couples with a 96 MPH FB. Had some drop which could be an issue (falls into strike zone), but the 89 MPH change makes up for it. He threw one hummer down the pipe-lane to Aaron Judge and big boy got frozen solid like Mr. Freeze dropped a bad pun on him. “I have another call, so I have to put you on cold.” I had grabbed Rolek in my 12-teamer, but rosters are tight, so I needed to drop him, and now I’m filled with regret. Would absolutely grab him in all leagues. Hopefully, that tall drink of water can avoid hiccups. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
George Springer – Did some drills yesterday. That’s funny, because I keep saying screw him.
Bo Bichette – 2-for-6, 4 RBIs and his 10th and 11th homer, hitting .272. Did Dante Bichette and Johnny Damon ever wife swap? Just wondering is all.
Marcus Semien – 2-for-6, 2 runs and his 13th homer. Maybe, ya know, they swapped Semien?
Robbie Ray – 4 2/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 3.81. Robbie Ray has an ERA above 4.50 by the All-Star Break. True or false, and show your work.
Aaron Hicks – Likely done for the season. Don’t worry, there will be some fantasy baseball ‘pert next preseason who points out Aaron Hicks is hitting third in preseason games.
Domingo German – 5 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.06. Since I watched Manoah, by happenstance, I watched German. He’s totally fine. Okay fine, not F-I-N-E fine. By the by, you don’t want any part of the Jays’ lineup. Scary top to bottom.
Jordan Montgomery – 4 2/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 4.22. Ya know what’s gonna be wild, when we hit July and all starters have dead arms from pitching too many innings year over year, then you’re gonna really see the IL’s stretched. How quick do you think the Yankees would move if someone offered them a halfway decent starter for Gary Sanchez? Kyle Gibson for Gary Sanchez, do they even wait a second to agree? Five milliseconds?
Chad Green – 1 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 2.16, and his 2nd save. Aroldis Chapman tested negative for Covid, but is sick, and unlikely to travel with the team to Detroit. Too bad, it’s lovely this time of year. I grabbed Green in a few leagues where I need saves.
Bradley Zimmer – 0-for-2 as he was recalled, and hit ninth. In Triple-A, Zimmer was hitting .250 with zero homers. Zimmer is the rare former top prospect who isn’t even good in the minors.
Eddie Rosario – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 4th homer, hitting .234. “If you’re going up in this hot air balloon, can you dump this 180-pound package over a volcano–Wait! Rosario’s moving! He’s alive!”
Shane Bieber – 7 IP, 1 ER, 1 hit, 4 walks, 12 Ks, ERA at 3.13. First truly Bieber-esque start all year, and it was against the Tigers, so listen to the sound of one hand clapping.
Jonathan Schoop – 1-for-4 and his 4th homer, and his 1st homer in a week, and had one homer the week before, so, yeah, I don’t know. Usually Schoop heats up with a homer, but hasn’t happened so far.
Danny Duffy – Remains in shutdown mode. Him and my LaserDisc player.
Brady Singer – 2 2/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 4.91. Welp, learned my lesson about going up against Tampa in St. Pete. Does the St. stand for sting? Because that’s what I’m feeling.
Austin Meadows – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 10th homer, hitting .223. The average isn’t great until you realize that’s the MLB average, so it’s kinda like he’s hitting .260. Ha, the baseballs are so broken.
Shane McClanahan – 5 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.29. Rookie pitchers are so tough, guys and five girls. Manoah looked dope, as previously mentioned; Gilbert was a mess; McClanahan looks more Manoah, or maybe Manoah looks more McClanahan. Manoah a mano a McClanahan, handshake emoji.
Shohei Ohtani – 0-for-3, hitting .266. He was scheduled to pitch yesterday, but arrived too late at the park for pitching prep, because there was traffic and he had to take the BART. This is the worst BART-related setback since Pete Rose. Babe Ruth never missed a start due to traffic. Cust kayin’.
Chris Bassitt – 9 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 3.21. I’d link to my Chris Bassitt sleeper from this offseason, but you know what’s up.
Evan Longoria – 1-for-4 and his 7th homer, and 2nd homer in the last three games, hitting .257. Hot schmotato alert!
Justin Turner – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer, and 2nd homer in the last three games, hitting .266. People say hot streaks don’t exist and to those people Ron Burgundy says, “I don’t believe you.”
Max Muncy – 1-for-4 and his 11th homer, hitting .284, and his 3rd homer in the last five games. If he were really Max Muncy, wouldn’t he be Max Munciest? Things that make you go hmm.
Jacob Nottingham – 1-for-2 and his 2nd homer. Looks like the Mariners gave up on Nottingham too soon, then the Brewers gave up on Nottingham too soon, then the Mariners, then the Brewers, then the Mariners, then the Brewers, then the Brewers again (clerical error), then the Mariners once more, then, finally the Brewers.
Chris Flexen – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.34. Streamonator liked this start, and still likes his next, though slightly less so, if you’re Flexen on streaming.
Yermin Mercedes – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 7th homer. As I take a mental snapshot of all my past Sells this year, I think saying to sell Mercedes was prolly my worst. Last time I do the Buy/Sell by consulting a Kelley Blue Book.
Dylan Cease – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 2.98. People keep asking to drop Cease. Cease and desist.
Freddy Galvis – 1-for-4 and his 7th homer. Imagine being excited about picking up Freddy Galvis. Freddy Galvis wouldn’t be excited about picking up Freddy Galvis.
Austin Nola – Hit the IL with a knee sprain. Tingler said, “It would only be a few weeks, and I am not a sex toy. Stop saying that.” The job now moves to the tiny carrot. No relation to Tingler. Excuse me, it’s Caratini.
Manny Machado – Has now achieved the very rare week off from playing without an IL stint. Wait until the Padres hear you can backdate an IL stint. Minds blown.
Eric Hosmer – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer, hitting .293. All the great changes from last year to his Launch Angle seem to completely evaporated. Better not let Launch Angle Seminar host, Dwayne Murphy, see it. Without some in-season changes, which seem to never work for hitters, Hosmer’s back to a 15-homer hitter.
Adrian Houser – 5 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 1 walk, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.07. Not sure if this is a sign of the depth of one of my leagues, or how bad that team is, but I’ve had Houser all year, and have started every time out. Either way, the Streamonator loves his next start.
Willy Adames – 4-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 6th homer. Tampa holding back Adames, and now it’s free Willy! *Grey stands under whale going overhead, whale falls on top, Grey slides out from under to fix his lineup before the start of the first game* Maybe the change of environs has helped Adames, but I doubt it. He won’t be in this afternoon’s Buy, but he’s here now. Also, you can see the Buy right now at the Patreon.
Sonny Gray – 6 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.40. Anyone who doubts Sonny Gray’s aceiness (totally a word!) should watch him some time.
Eugenio Suarez – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 11th homer, as he continues to hit leadoff. The worst part is David Ding Dong keeps being rewarded by Eugenio for hitting him leadoff. Actually, the worst part is that he’s hitting leadoff.
Stephen Strasburg – 5 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.43. How many starts until he’s shutdown again? Four? Do I hear three? Do we have a two? Going once…
Kris Bryant – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 11th homer. My heels are still dug in on Bryant being a sell if you can find a decent price, and someone who has a team with non-injured players.
Patrick Wisdom – 2-for-3 and his 1st homer, as he played because Rizzo is nursing a sore back. Fun fact! Patrick Wisdom’s full name is Patrick *Points At Head* Wisdom.
Kyle Hendricks – 7 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.63. Now that I’ve watched Hendricks vs. just looked at his stats, he’s alternating between locating, and not locating but over the plate, which is why Hendricks’s homers allowed is like Homer Bailey being visited by an angel named Clarence who shows him what it would’ve been like if Bailey played for the Cubs.
Javier Baez – 0-for-4, 1 run, 1 RBI, and involved in quite possibly the worst play in the history of baseball. 24 hours later, I’m still at a loss for words. Here, just watch, and remember there’s two outs.
Hahahahahahaha pic.twitter.com/NmtpdqJl1X
— Razzball (@Razzball) May 27, 2021
Will Craig – 0-for-4. If I were the Pirates’ manager, I would’ve pulled Will Craig right after that play, and demoted him. Fine, he forgot the number of outs, but he was walk-jogging down the line. Also, how does the rest of the team, namely Tyler Anderson, not scream, “THERE’S TWO OUTS, YOU DING DONG.” Ya know what, if I’m the manager, I’m demoting the entire Pirates club. I’d forfeit the rest of this game and tomorrow’s until we found someone who knows how to do a rundown.
Gregory Polanco – 1-for-3 and his 5th homer. The only thing I can think funnier than that Baez baserunning play, is if the Rays trade for Polanco and he becomes the best hitter in baseball.
Bryan Reynolds – 2-for-3 and his 5th homer. Not a huge fan, but, due to his better average, Reynolds is actually a rich man’s Benintendi. That’s Benintendi dressed like the Monopoly man.
Franchy Cordero – Optioned to the minors. The bad news is that. The good news is my Franchy Cordero 2022 sleeper is already written! So, Dannys Santana will now get everyday at-bats, and is worth grabbing everywhere.
Tyler O’Neill – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer, as he was activated from the IL. I like O’Neill, so don’t take this the wrong way, but the Cards kept Bader and O’Neill, and got rid of Arozarena and Adolis. Who’s in charge over there and have they been fired yet?
Spencer Howard – 4 IP, 1 ER, ERA at 5.56, but only 66 pitches thrown, as he’s not stretched out yet. Yeah, you and literally every player who is on the IL! Let’s go; I need Howard in my NL-Only leagues!
Rhys Hoskins – 1-for-3 and his 11th homer, hitting .266. Keep being blown away by how he takes the wildest, ugliest swings ever, then comes back in the next at-bat and homers. Hoskins goes from looking like he needs three hours in the cage, to ‘you can’t cage that.’
Pablo Lopez – 7 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.71. If he were on the Cards, he’d have eight wins by now, but I’m not crying about it (out loud).
Miguel Rojas – Hit the IL with a dislocated finger. Maybe if he finds his, he can find Ozuna’s too. Every time an injury happens of any kind to a Marlins hitter, I say something like, “Berti will now get playing time!” And Berti never gets playing time.
Trevor Story – 1-for-4, stole his 8th bag, but left the 2nd game with tightness around his elbow. I have chest tightness. Please don’t be seriously hurt. Think we might need a prayer octagon.
Josh Fuentes – 0-for-3. Recently, he decided he wants to be called Joshua, or Josh merged with United Artists.
German Marquez – 6 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA 4.47. This was a complete game loss with only 62 pitches thrown–Oh, eff off with the 7-inning games. Streamonator likes Marquez’s next start a little, and I streamed him yesterday, and will again next time.
Marcus Stroman – 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 2.47. I’ll take a 2.47 24/7.
Noah Syndergaard – Shut down for the next six weeks. Why do I feel like the Mets’ trainer is breaking some kind of Geneva Convention sanctions? Is the Mets’ trainer committing war crimes? I’m not sure, and that’s why my team of forensic scientists are here to investigate. Once again stashing injured pitchers in fantasy baseball drafts is like sticking your tongue on a pole during wintertime to win a dare. You win the dare but everyone laughs when you say, “Thtop laughing, ith bad luck his arm is Thor.” In redrafts, you can drop Syndergaard.
