Yesterday was a bad day to quit being young with A.J. Pollock and Carlos Gomez both hitting the DL. Together! In a non-gay way. But it would’ve been totally cool with me if it was in a gay way. Let’s start with Pollock since he is the less ethnically sensitive of the two. Pollock has a Grade 1 groin strain. When the strain happened, Pollock was reading Groin Strains for Dummies. Chapter 1: Don’t Move Your Leg In A Normal Manner. “Go to a trampoline, but don’t jump on it with your feet, fall on it sitting criss-cross apple sauce.” Pollock will likely be out for two to three weeks, and in his place the Russian Game of Thrones character, Gregor Blanco, and Reymond “You Can’t Not Think Of Daisy” Fuentes. Fuentes is the more interesting of two, since he should be on the stronger side of a platoon, and has speed. Outside of NL-Only and deep mixed leagues, I’m passing on both. As for CarGomez, he will miss four to six weeks. That’s too bad, he used to be good three years ago. Replacing him on the roster will be Jared Hoying, who looks like a Motter-fodder. Then, we have Carlos Carrasco, who is affectionately known as Cookie, and I am a Cookie Monster for him, so this one hurts me. In yesterday’s game, Carrasco had a huge lead, when he squandered that and left the game with a trainer. All you had to do with cruise to the W on the Ivictory Coast! Apparently, that’s the way the Cookie crumbles. He was diagnosed with left pectoral tightness, which doesn’t sound bad. Which, Part 2: The Return of the Which, will still likely mean a DL stint. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Lonnie Chisenhall – 1-for-2, 3 RBIs and his 4th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. Lonnie’s finally crushing the ball like I’m crushing Chisenhall’s head with my fingers and forced perspective.
Francisco Lindor – 1-for-5, 2 runs and his 9th homer, hitting .279. He was hitting .229 with one homer in the month of May prior to yesterday’s game, so it’s nice to see him connect (if I owned him, but since I don’t, could Lindor light a giant bonfire under Odor’s ass?).
Chris Archer – 5 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 3.70. Archer just didn’t have it yesterday. Could’ve been worse, an Archer could’ve not had it while there was an apple on top of your head.
Kevin Kiermaier – 2-for-2, 2 runs and his 3rd homer, and 2nd homer in three games, and hitting near-.350 in the last week. He’s obviously hot, so I’m not sure why he was batting eighth yesterday with Brad Miller batting 2nd, but Miller had a decent game (3-for-4, 2 runs, 1 RBI, hitting .205). I guess some major league managers do know better than a guy writing a fantasy baseball blog, but that sounds doubtful when I write it out.
Yunel Escobar – Out for two to four weeks with a hamstring strain. Out two weeks sounds like a long time, right? ‘Member the days when any DL stint was two weeks? Aw, yes, fondly. Jefry Marte will likely share playing time with Luis Valbuena at 3rd base. By the way, can’t you see a male hair stylist seeing the spelling Jefry, and thinking, “I’m going to spell my name like that and pronounce it, Hef-rye?” No? Maybe it’s just me.
Mike Trout – 1-for-3 and his 12th homer. You know who he’s setting himself up as, right? Modern day Ernie Banks. I’ll call him Ernie Bitcoin.
Kole Calhoun – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 5th homer. Calhoun is consistently the least streaky player ever. Does he even get a hit in back-to-back games?
Jose Abreu – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer, hitting .265. See, he’s fine, he’s on pace for 27 homers. Oh, God, he’s boring.
Sean Manaea – 5 IP, 4 ER, 7 baserunners (5 BBs), 7 Ks, ERA at 5.52, as he was activated from the DL. Kevin from ESPN’s “Get Him In Your Lineup” Department said, “Get him in your lineup, and I might take a personal day on Wednesday, so get Tulo in your lineup too in case he returns.”
Stephen Vogt – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer, hitting .217. Vogt used to be a thing, now it’s all about his replacement, Gerry Mandering.
Khris Davis – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 11th homer, hitting .220. He was 1-for-20 entering yesterday’s game, now he’ll likely go 10 for his next 20 with six homers, because he’s the anti-Calhoun, Calexithoun.
Mitch Haniger – Took swings in a cage yesterday. Hey, that’s The Gangly Manbird’s cage!
James Paxton – Ready for mound work. Don’t you need to go to field maintenance and grounds crew school first?
Kyle Seager – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer, hitting .254. He’s turned it on a bit of late — .255 in May vs. .253 in April.
Edwin Diaz – 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 4 BBs, ERA at 5.28. C’mon, save his confidence so he lives to fight another day, and put him on the DL with some mysterious injury. Also, do it because I’ve grabbed Nick Vincent in multiple leagues.
Dan Straily – 5 IP, 0 ER, 2 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.56. He looked terrific, but then the Fantasy Baseball Overlord, who won’t allow anything nice for any pitcher, swooped down and struck Straily on the forearm with a line drive. Thanks, FBO!
Justin Bour – 3-for-4 and his 8th homer, hitting .256. This was his fourth homer in the last five games. A hot schmotato by any other name would smell as sweet, because they’re all the same diff if they’re hot. “Let’s get out of this hot air balloon before Grey lets out all the air!”
Yulieski Gurriel – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 3rd homer, a grand slam, hitting .293. Ugh, I was so close to making Yulieski a batty call yesterday. Instead, I left Hansel Robles in my lineup. You don’t even need to look it up, trust me.
Jose Altuve – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 6th homer, hitting .292. After he homers, he should shout, “Four-eleven sending that ball straight to heaven!”
Joe Musgrove – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 8 hits, 1 walk, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.57. Stream-o-Nator predicted Musgrove would go 5 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 5 Ks, 1 BB. Five and one-third, not two-thirds, and one run, not two! What a rip! By the way, we talk on today’s podcast about how Rudy’s tools are being used by a robot and they are in the lead for all the RCL leagues. We are also joined by special guest, MattTruss.
Asdrubal Cabrera – Has a torn ligament in his thumb. Fun fact! Señor Wences had a torn thumb ligament for 20 years, which is why his hand only said, “S’aright.” I grabbed Amed Rosario in one league, because I have a crack-cocaine problem and my crack-cocaine is upside.
Yoenis Cespedes – Resumed running. All hundred of his legs.
Steven Matz – Will start a rehab assignment on Thursday at Port St. Lucie. Port St. Lucie sounds like a joke from the Netflix-produced Arrested Development season.
Zack Wheeler – 6 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.76. 2019 Mets fan, “Remember Wheeler looked decent two years after surgery, so I have faith in Syndergaard, Harvey, deGrom, Familia and Matz this year.”
Zack Godley – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners (5 BBs), 7 Ks, ERA at 1.93. The Diamondbacks’ Godley is, of course, Goldy in the world’s worst disguise. He’s also a guy that used to throw 90 MPH, and now he regularly tops 95 MPH. Zoinks! He’s a guy that used to have a 7+ K/9 and now is above 9. Double zoinks! He used to have terrible command, and now, well, he still does. His xFIP is at 2.96 and he’s an immediate grab in deeper leagues, and a cyclops with a monocle in shallower ones. We could be seeing a breakout here, pay attention.
Jake Lamb – 2-for-3 and his 8th homer, hitting .282. Not baaaaaaaaaahd as in baaaaaaaaaahd, but baaaaaaaaaahd as in good.
Yasmany Tomas – 1-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 7th homer, hitting .250. Salami Tom!
Drew Pomeranz – His MRI came back clean. The Greek woman with Windex standing next to the MRI machine had a little bit to do with it. Any hoo! All systems-a-go for Pomeranz to get crushed in his next start.
Hunter Pence – Hit the DL with a hamstring strain. The Gangly Manbird will rest on his feet while tucking his head into his plumage.
Mark Melancon – Threw a bullpen session. Fun fact! Melancon pronounces “pronounces” with a Hard C, sounding out: prononks.
Eduardo Nunez – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 10th steal, hitting .261. He went ice cold for a spell t-h-e-r-e, but now has three steals in the last two games, and seems to be heating up again.
Buster Posey – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 7th homer. Yesterday, we saw homers from Vogt, Maldonado, Mathis, and…Holy snoozefest, Batman.
Brandon McCarthy – 5 2/3 IP, 6 ER as he was activated for his start. Before the game, Roberts said Alex Wood would (stutterer!) remain in the rotation no matter what McCarthy did. After the game, we said, “Yeah, no dur.”
Adrian Gonzalez – Will begin a rehab assignment today. I imagine it will go like this: Dodgers’ coach, “You look great, man! Way to play first!” Then we pull back to see the Dodgers’ coach is watching Cody Bellinger on the TV.
Stephen Piscotty – Will begin rehab games on Tuesday. Piscotty should only need a cup of coffee to soften his twice-baked surface and activate his almond notes.
Hunter Renfroe – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 7th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. Imaginary high five! Now imaginary discreetly wiping hands on pants!
Jesus Aguilar – 3-for-5 and his 3rd homer. Um, okay, but we’re not back to platooning Thames again, are we? Please tell me Counsell was just holding the pen so oddly when he filled out the lineup card it was an accident.
Domingo Santana – 3-for-5, 3 RBIs, hitting near-.450 in the last week. Hot schmotato alert!
Dansby Swanson – 2-for-4, 1 run, 2 RBIs, hitting .184. As When In Rome might sing, “I’m sorry, but I’m just thinking of the right words for Dansby. I know they don’t sound the way I planned them to be, but if you wait around a while, maybe he could be for fantasy. I PROMISE, I PROMISE YOU DANSBY WILL!”
Adonis Garcia – 2 hits, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 2nd steal. It’s Adeuces Garcia! Adeuces is hitting under .150 in the last week with two homers. So, major mixed signals there. Come hither eyes with your talking to the hand 1990’s slang!
Matt Kemp – 4-for-4, 3 runs, hitting .346. Without looking up anything (crack analysis!), I’m gonna go out on a very sturdy limb and say Kemp has an extremely high BABIP.
Josh Donaldson – Hopes to return this weekend. He’s been nursing his calf for the last few weeks, which means he’s a cow with sore nipples.
Justin Smoak – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer, and 2nd homer in two games, and third homer in five games, hitting .350 in the last week. To-Jo who?! Do you mean Tommy Joseph? It’s a figure of speech, Random Italicized Voice. ‘To-Jo who’ is a figure of speech? Okay.
Devon Travis – 3-for-5, 2 RBIs, hitting .195. Oh, boy, here we again– Sorry, I’m distracted. Why is that angel on my shoulder talking about a banana in a tailpipe? I feel like he’s trying to warn me about something. Shush now, Travis is getting hot!