*Grey adjusts his chiseled body, places himself on a seat, props his chin up with his hand, makes sure that he’s not covering his mustache.* “Welcome to today’s symposium on the intersection of art, science and fantasy baseball. Thank you for joining me at the New Brunswick Holiday Inn. For those arriving late, please fill in the front seats. Don’t groan, my handsome will distract you from wherever you’re sitting if you allow it. Carlos Rodon showed yesterday what he’s capable of — 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 11 Ks — but his 4.61 ERA shows everything else. Yes, he will be a 2016 sleeper; his stuff is just so nasty. He has a 10 K/9 in 91 2/3 IP this year (good for sixth best in the majors if he qualified). Yo, Prince, what you say to that? He’s a sexy M.F. Unfortunately, his walk rate is 5, which is as awful as his K-rate is good (would be the worst qualified starter’s BB/9). You know who that reminds me of? Just about every hard thrower when they first came up: Scherzer, Randy Johnson, Sale, Carrasco…. Even Kershaw’s first full year’s BB/9 was 4.79. I’m not saying Rodon will be that good next year, but he’s 22 years old and by the age of 24 he could be a top ten starter. Okay, that should be enough for you to digest for now. For the five ladies joining us, I will continue this in the hotel bar, The Cheeky Monkey, for refreshments and chicken fingers.” Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Bud Norris – Padres signed him to a major league contract. This deal can be interpreted as the Padres throwing their hands in the air, saying, “Yeah, we have no idea either.”
Yangervis Solarte – 2-for-4, 3 runs. I’m currently rocking multiple Padres on my RCL team. No, not because I’m a moron. No, not because I’m into S&M. They’re headed to Coors in a few games, barring the Mayans dropping an apocalypse on us.
Jedd Gyorko – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 7th homer. You know what’s going to happen, right? You know, right? He’s gonna break out next year and I won’t own him anywhere. Oh, man, even my hypotheticals think Gyorko’s good. I’m incorrigible!
Will Venable – 0-for-3 as the Padres scored 11 runs. Ticker tease!
Todd Frazier – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 28th homer. Oh, no, does this mean the end of Donaldson’s run?
Angel Pagan – Hit the DL. The Angel on his one shoulder said, “Damn, you are always hurt.” The Pagan on his other shoulder said, “What do you need me for?”
Gregor Blanco – 1-for-3 and his 8th steal. As Dan Brown would’ve wanted it, Angels & Pagan went down and the Latino Albino, Blanco, is now starting.
Joe Panik – Won’t return when eligible. No word on the reason, but he confirmed his phone did have GPS, so ‘being lost’ wasn’t the reason.
Brandon Belt – 2-for-4 and two homers (16, 17), and his third in the last three games. If you dropped Belt, pick him up before you catch indecent exposure charges.
Madison Bumgarner – 9 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 12 Ks. Just priming himself to throw 27 innings in a three game playoff series.
Michael Pineda – Threw off the mound yesterday. That puts his timetable about three weeks away, assuming no setbacks, and assuming makes an ass out of U and Ming the Merciless.
Carlos Beltran – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 10th homer, hitting .264. The 64-year-old Beltran has not been good this year, but he does have three homers in his last ten games and is hitting near-.300 in the last week. Can you say hot schmotato? Okay, put in your dentures first.
Carlos Carrasco – 8 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 8 Ks vs. Luis Severino 6 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 2.45 thru two starts. I placed my iPad playing this game on Cougs’ head and made sweet, sweet love. She got a little weirded out when I said, “Shut up, Michael Kay,” and I lost my arousal for a minute while Suzyn Waldman was on the screen, but, damn, these two pitchers are sexy. Then Cougs said, “Hey, we’re still in the 1st inning.”
Jason Kipnis – May return early next week, i.e., Jose Ramirez (3-for-8, 1 run, 1 RBI) better not buy a toothbrush to stay in the leadoff spot.
Francisco Lindor – 3-for-8, 2 runs, hitting .275. Look on the bright side, you didn’t have Te(i)x, Ellsbury, Gardner and A-Rod as they went a combined 1-for-24. Oh, you did? Ouch.
Kevin Kiermaier – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer. Between Loney and Kiermaier, there’s a whole Lunchables contingent over there in Tampa.
Xavier Cedeno – 2/3 IP, 0 ER and his first save. He was the 7th pitcher on the Rays to get a save. Maddon left behind a legacy of matchups and Buddy Holly glasses.
Erasmo Ramirez – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.59. I streamed him in one league, because the Stream-o-Nator liked it and Erasmo’s home ERA was 2.89 coming into the game. Yup, things really are that simple.
Williams Perez – 8 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners (4 BBs), 1 K. Let’s continue to keep it simple and say if a guy has more walks than Ks, it’s notta so good as my Uncle Giuseppe would say.
Cole Hamels – Scratched from Thursday’s start due to his groin. When asked the specific problem, his groin shrugged.
Elvis Andrus – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer as he bats 7th. Someone should do a study to find out how many seven-hole hitters stay with their club from year to year. The seven hole feels like a spot in the order where managers put hitters they have no idea what to do with. I’m shooting from the hip here, but that feels right when talking about the Texas Rangers.
Miguel Cabrera – Ran the bases and took batting practice. I wonder if he first spun his forehead on the top of the bat before running. Now that I have twenty years of distance from the last time I did that at a Little League practice, what the hell was the point of that? In case the earth starts spinning faster while you’re running to first, you’re prepared?
Yordano Ventura – 6 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners (6 BBs), 8 Ks, ERA down to 4.97. Ventura showed worst command than Saddam Hussein after Dick Cheney decided to unfriend him.
Lorenzo Cain – 4-for-4, 2 runs and his 12th homer. I love how much commitment the Royals have shown with Cain…Sugar! as their three-hole hitter. Has any hitter been as entrenched in a lineup spot this year? Maybe Addison Russell in the nine hole, maybe Miggy if he was healthy, but Cain’s been treated like an All-Star and not just as voted by Royals fans.
Mike Moustakas – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 11th homer. Moistasskiss! His BABIP and old demons have really reared their ugly head on Moistasskiss, as he’s been Mostsuckass for the last six weeks, dropping a .328 average on June 24th to a .275 average.
Eric Hosmer – 1-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and a slam (12) and legs (5). That means we’ll see another home run from him in about a month.
Carlos Martinez – 8 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 2.62. Even though he’s obviously tiring, I’m glad I trusted him enough to start him. Of course, I’m still pissed I didn’t trust him enough in all my leagues to hold him in April, but water under the bridge and I’m not BASE jumping.
Gregory Polanco – 3-ofr-4, 1 run, hitting leadoff and has two steals in the last three games. It’s been an ‘all over the shop’ season, but I’m still optimistic about Polanco in the big picture. I’m gonna like him a lot next year.
Chase Utley – Cleared waivers, but still has a no-trade clause, so he can block any trade. Like, if for instance, a team offers the Phils a bag of Cheez Doodles for Utley, he can stop it.
Maikel Franco – Was hit by a pitch on his wrist, fell to the ground and looked to be in serious pain. My phone immediately rang. See, I just started volunteering at this suicide prevention hotline. The first call came in, and the caller only identified themselves as “Mike.” They were standing on the top of the outstretched arm on the Rocky statue in downtown Philly and talking fatalistic. Like this Franco injury was the end. I did what I could, but, sadly, they jumped. Hey, it was my first call! Thankfully, Franco only has a bruise and the Sly Stallone statue is life-sized, which means “Mike” was only five feet and four inches off the ground.
David Buchanan – 1 2/3 IP, 11 ER. James Buchanan would’ve been happy. David’s clogging up the Google results for “Was Buchanan historically bad?”
David Peralta – 2-for-4, 5 RBIs and his 11th homer. Even if you didn’t get A.J. Pollock (3-for-5, 2 runs and his 27th steal), due to a fear of pierogies, you must have a taste of the 1927 Diamondbacks and Peralta is as good as any right now.
Aaron Hill – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer. Since Chase (The Pitcher) Field helps a lot of what ails hitters, I’m a bit surprised at how awful Hill’s been. He feels like a guy that should have a sneaky 15 homers. Then again (Grey’s adding on!), maybe he would if he played every day.
Jeremy Hellickson – 8 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.73. The Stream-o-Nator liked this start, but I just couldn’t do it in the one league where I own him. Sonavabench!
Nelson Cruz – 1-for-3 and his 34th homer. Damn, I hate that I don’t own him, but I have to say when he gets into one of his grooves it’s like he has A-Rod’s cousin, Jose Canseco and Bonds all over for tea before each game. (Steroids users also crave Darjeeling; well known fact coming to you from the Earl of Grey.)
Mark Trumbo – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 14th homer. So, he didn’t retire. Cool beans!
Chris Tillman – 2 1/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 4.66 vs. Taijuan Walker 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.60. In a matchup that was billed as, “One pitcher the Mariners screwed up and one pitcher they screwed over.”
Matt Wieters – Exited yesterday’s game with a hamstring strain. Pretty decent career he’s having for a guy that Keith Law once touted as the best prospect he’s ever seen.
Chris Davis – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 31st homer. Yeah, he’s a fan of the Darjeeling too.
Adam Jones -1-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 19th homer. Yesterday, I said something like I’d forget how boring Jones has been if he gets to 30 homers. I take that back; it was greedy. I’d take 27 homers. Please.
Matt Harvey – 8 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.61. Okay, I’m about ready for him to get shut down now.
Michael Cuddyer – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 2nd steal. He stole a base? On what? Red Bull and a motorized scooter?
Bryce Harper – Banged his knee on Monday and sat out Tuesday after it swelled. Didn’t sound like a major concern…Because I don’t own him! ‘Natch, snitches!
Joe Ross – 4 2/3 IP, 5 ER with all runs coming from the bat of Yasiel Puig (2-for-4, 5 RBIs and his 9th homer). Puig hasn’t done enough to frustrate fantasy owners this year? Now he has to take it to one of our pitchers? I liked it better when I was sticking a knife into a Puig’s back. Ross could be tiring, and might be shut down soon, but I’d hold him if the Nats stick with him.
Enrique Hernandez – 0-for-3 as he played 2nd base with Mattingly benching Peraza. Why bring up a rookie and bench him? Why is a slippery slope that Mattingly is wearing skies on that have been lubed with WD-40 and stupidity.
Zack Greinke – 6 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 1.65. Fo’reallies, where are 2015 Greinke and Kershaw in the grand scheme of two starters on the same team? Have to be in the top 20 discussion. Top ten?
Taylor Jungmann – 2 2/3 IP, 2 ER. The week JB’s getting married? Damn, Jungmann, that is some cold shizz.
Adam Lind – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 17th homer. Mean’s while, Braun didn’t play with a sore back. Cust kayin’.
James Russell – 1 IP, 0 ER and picked up his 1st save as Jason Motte warmed up and Hector Rondon was nowhere to be seen. That’s James Russell of a 5.4 K/9 and a 89 MPH fastball. Because, dot dot dot, Maddon.
Marcus Stroman – After throwing off the mound for the first time since March, he said his arm felt unbelievable. Small issue, he’s been out since March due to his knee. I wouldn’t be shocked if Stroman returns for a few starts this year just so he can be used in the playoffs, but I would be surprised if he matters for fantasy. Three starts in September from a guy who hasn’t pitched all year isn’t great for fantasy.
Jose Bautista – 1-for-4 and his 27th homer. It’s just not the same without the other half of the Cortisone Brothers. Pray for Edwin’s speedy return and multiple needlings into his behind.
Drew Hutchison – 7 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks. “Five ladies and gentlemen of the jury, exhibit A on why wins are stupid. Kluber’s record is 7-12 with a 3.46 ERA. Hutchison has an 11-2 record with a 5.26 ERA. Wait, I thought we excused Don Sutton from the jury. Mistrial!”
Kendall Graveman – 4 2/3 IP, 2 ER. Lately, he’s been pitching with barely one foot out.
Jose Fernandez – Expects to pitch again in 2015. Mr. Semantics, “Yeah, he’ll pitch for a SpongeBob furry at a carnival in December at the Marlins charity fundraiser where Loria raises money for himself.”
Steven Wright – 5 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners (5 BBs), 4 Ks. Solid effort against a terrible Marlins team. Or as Steven Wright deadpanned, “The weather sure is muggy in Miami. I hope they find the rain cloud with my wallet.”
Mookie Betts – 3-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 14th steal as he returned from the concussion DL. Here’s hoping his concussion is behind him unlike 98% of the people Peter Berg interviews.
Junichi Tazawa – 1 IP, 1 ER and the blown save. The Red Sox say Jean Machi is going to be the closer + I tell you that = King Mez ruining Dre songs. Okay, math’s wrong there, was supposed to equal Tazawa gets the call for the first post-Koji save. I’d still own Machi first, because Tazawa looked tired and unable to get out Marlin hitters.
Hanley Ramirez – Expects to return on Wednesday. Future Grey says Hanley will be knocked out again by Saturday.
Dustin Pedroia – Out until at least mid-September. That’s code for ‘we’re not going to see Pedroia again this year.’ He’s now pulled this disappearing act two years in a row, and I’m beginning to think he’s nothing more than David Eckstein with the ability to grow facial hair.
