If you take enough shrooms, you start to dream about how Rick Porcello is from the magical land of Zeranok, where Buehrles and Moyers can cruise 15 MPH below the speed limit. Off shrooms, you just see Zeranok as zero ERA, no K. Yesterday’s 9 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 0 Ks was solid, great, adjective. Hard to not get excited about a complete game shutout, but I’m gonna try. Heard a lot made of the fact that Porcello only needed 95 pitches to finish off the A’s. That’s wonderful. Somewhere, Greg Maddux smiled, then he tried to go behind the counter at his local post office to show them how they can be more efficient and nearly got arrested. “Can we all just form a two-person line as we wait for Wet Willie’s Wild Slide?” That’s Maddux at a water park with his kids. I hear ya, Greg, when people are grouped together in a party of six in an amusement park line it drives me crazy too. The worst is when they get up to the front and suddenly they have 25 other friends that were with them. Any the hoo! A 95 pitch CG SHO is great IRL (you like how I was illustrating efficiency with acronyms; though this parenthetical defeats that purpose), but Porcello’s efficiency doesn’t do a whole lot for me in fantasy if it comes with no Ks. His K-rate is 5.2 and his walk rate is 2. That’s pretty blehtastic. I’d own him, since he gets the Rays next. He’s not suddenly shooting up to ace status for fantasy. I know, I know, that Porcello is one funghi, but he’s actually pretty close to borderline for 12-team mixed leagues. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
J.D. Martinez – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 10th homer. Somebody’s carrying over their schmotatoness. Or maybe that’s schmotatonez. On a related note, J.D. should come to the plate to the Young Black Teenagers song, Tap the Bottle. That would be amazeballs. How am I not in charge of a P.A. system for a major league team? I ask with sincerity.
Joe Mauer – Left yesterday’s game with a strained oblique. Not the same, but related to me looking at his stats and saying, “Oh, bleak.” I love how Rotoworld still managed to throw a positive spin into their news on him, mentioning how he had a 12-game hitting streak. Yeah, and in eight of those games he had one hit. Lowercase yay. Regarding their ranking of Mauer in the first round, I play the scene from Menace II Society where the cop says, “You know you done f**ked up, right?” As I said in January, just because Mauer was playing first, it never meant he was going to stay healthy. He could DH and get hurt.
Eduardo Nunez – 3-for-5, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer. He’s hitting .556 in the last week, exclamation mark, dances around like the teacher in A Christmas Story when doing the A-pluses, exclamation mark, exclamation mark, exclamation mark. Oh, wait, it’s in only two games. Okay, I’d keep an eye on him for now.
Kendrys Morales – 3-for-5, 1 run, 1 RBI. Twins had the good fortune of going against some scrub. Oh, Jamie Yields, what have ye wrought? Without further ado…
James Shields – 5 IP, 4 ER, 11 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA up to 3.93. It’s much worse than that recently too because he had a 1.60 ERA in April. I wouldn’t drop him, but I wouldn’t be surprised if the Royals say there’s a mechanics issue or a Disgraceful List trip. Something is definitely wrong. No dur, I know. He gets the Rays next, which should be a solid game, but I’d bench him in most leagues until he shows something worthwhile.
Eric Hosmer – 4-for-4 with four singles. The Juan Pierre Cycle!
Evan Gattis – No timetable for his return from the DL, but he received an epidural and maternity leave is only 3 to 5 days, so he better start his breathing exercises.
Mike Minor – 4 1/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA up to 4.73. Wait, I know this impersonation…it’s Matt Cain, right? Oh, man, you got me. That was good, Minor. You’re a regular Soupy Sales.
Curtis Granderson – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 12th homer and 2nd in as many games. If Fredi’s theory is to put B.J. Upton (1-for-4, 1 run, 13th steal) at leadoff because then other teams will say, “We can’t be that bad, so we’ll put anyone at leadoff,” it’s working as the Mets continue to go with Granderson at leadoff, their one legitimate power hitter.
Daniel Murphy – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer, hitting .302 on the year and over .350 in the last week. I already used my superpower writing the lede, so I’m gonna skip Murphy today. What’s my superpower? Talking negatively about a guy that is doing well. I inherited it from my dad.
Stephen Strasburg – 7 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks, lowering his ERA to 3.53. Strasburg, Virginia may not want to become Buehrle, Virginia just yet.
Jayson Werth – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 3 RBIs. He was hitting .095 in the last week, coming into this game, so he was due. Not like Gattis. The other due.
Domingo Santana – 0-for-4, 1 run, 3 Ks. With Dexter Fowler going to the DL with shoulder soreness, the Astros called up Domingo. Hey, it’s Matt Dominguez’s cousin! They really need to call up Paulo Miercoles to get them over the hump. Domingo has great power and speed and he strikes out a lot a lot a lot. Maybe the Astros should reconsider their hiring of minor league coach, Rob Deer. “When you see the ball, you guess if it’s a fastball or curve and then swing? Any questions?” Hands go up. “Any questions is a figure of speech, now go get Rob Deer a tequila shot.” Domingo actually struck out more than Springer and Singleton in the minors, so I’m expecting a .100-something average from him while he fills in for Fowler, unless pitchers just don’t know what to make of him and throw him all fastballs. He’s only 21 years old and he could be something special in deep keepers, so there I’d look at him.
Jose Altuve – 2-for-3, 1 run. Nothing to say on him, except this GIF. Hehe.
James Jones – 3-for-6, 3 runs, 2 RBIs, 7 for his last 11 with 3 steals on Monday. Was kinda surprised to not see any steals for him last night, but they’ll be there more than they’re not. J.J. is SAGNOF-Mite!
Kyle Seager – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 13th homer. He has 58 RBIs on the year. That’s around 115 RBIs on the year pace. 85 proof positive that Seager’s a decent 3rd baseman.
Hisashi Iwakuma – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA down to 3.33. Hisashi my dashi, slurp SLURP!
Everth Cabrera – Scratched with a strained hamstring. The Padres won’t decide to put him on the DL until Friday. They said, “It’s not like he’s done anything all year, what’s a few more days?” They sound mean.
Seth Smith – 3-for-4, 3 runs and his 9th homer. That’th brith, baby!
Carlos Quentin – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 4th homer. He’s done less than nothing recently, but if he gets hot, he could hit five homers in a week. Or just get injured again.
Mike Leake – 5 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 11 baserunners, 4 Ks vs. the Padres. That’s my fault because I streamed him. I need a fantasy baseball exorcism.
Todd Frazier – 1-for-4, 1 RBI and his 13th steal. Hubba hubba hubba. You’re gonna make me do something I might regret, you sexy beast!
Devin Mesoraco – 2-for-4 and his 15th homer, in the 9th inning of an out-of-reach game. I love garbage time homers!
Kolten Wong – Began his rehab assignment yesterday. I look forward to him returning and watching Mark Ellis still play over him. Don’t make me aggro, Cardinals, please.
Angel Pagan – Was not activated from the DL yesterday as was originally planned and is off to see a back specialist. Pagan’s day-to-day when he’s healthy, so it’s a waiting game, which sounds like a Mary J. Blige song. It’s a waiting game and I’m not gon’ cry! I just sung that; you’re lucky you missed out.
Tim Lincecum – 8 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks. Johnny Vander Meer’s niece’s time wasn’t completely wasted. Don’t even have to worry about if you should own him, he gets the Padres next. Of course, you should.
Pablo Sandoval – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 10th homer, hitting .271 on the year. Far from spectacular so far this year, but definitely passable. Like Sandoval with a health food buffet.
Justin Masterson – 3 IP, 3 ER. Yup, he’s at 100%.
Lonnie Chisenhall – 1-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer. Lonnie Gonnie!
Michael Bourn – 0-for-5. Every Indians starter got a hit in a ten-run game, except, well, ticker tease!
Josh Beckett – 5 IP, 5 ER. The Regression Fairies match their shoes and socks, they love everything Neil Patrick Harris is in when he’s singing, and they kill your starters ratios.
Chris Capuano – Red Sox released him. So, if you see Capuano wandering the streets of Allston asking where Mr. Butch is, don’t try to approach him, call the authorities.
Shane Victorino – May resume a rehab assignment next week. So, he’s going to update his LinkedIn profile? Oh, resume not résumé! That is mea culpa.
Clay Buchholz – 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 2 Ks vs. the Cubs and gets the White Sox next. That’s the Chi-City Double Dip. Something Stedman’s had to put up with for years.
Dustin Pedroia – 3-for-5, 1 RBI. Now has three hits in three of the last four games. Nice to get a little somethin’ somethin’ from our favorite little somethin’ somethin’.
Edwin Jackson – 6 IP, 1 ER, 10 baserunners, 3 Ks vs. the Red Sox. Ha, good try, Edwin, but you can’t take the wind out of my Arrieta sails.
Steve Pearce – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 10th homer and, like, 19th homer in the last week. I just went over Pearce yesterday, but since then I realized something. He’s not Guy Pearce. He’s not the star of anything. He’s a That Guy. That Guy specifically, he’s Stephen Tobolowsky.
Nelson Cruz – 1-for-4 and his 26th homer, hitting .280. Since I told you to sell him about a month ago, he has 4 homers and is hitting .204. Cust kayin’.
Joe Saunders – Rangers designated him for assignment. Rangers said that assignment was to ‘not let the door hit ya, where the good Lord split ya.’
Mark Trumbo – About two weeks away from being activated. Trumbo was originally traded so the Diamondbacks could make a run at the playoffs. With that not happening, Trumbo will return just in time to muck up the D-Backs’ chances for the first pick in the 2015 amateur draft. Prolly for the best since Kevin Towers would’ve traded that pick away for a defense-minded middle infielder that the team doesn’t even play.
Addison Reed – 1/3 IP, 1 ER. Been about a week since his last blown save, so he was due. He’s not in real danger of losing the job. Yet.
Jeff Locke – 8 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 3 Ks vs. Wade Miley (8 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 10 Ks). In a matchup of “Hey Maybe I’ll Stream That Guy” vs. “Or Maybe I Should Stream This Guy.” Hopefully, your indecision ended better than in 2000.
Ernesto Frieri – 1 IP, 0 ER and the win. Oh, man, he’s totally the friend of yours in high school that was the worst kid in social situations, and an absolute angel around parents.
Khris Davis – Left yesterday’s game with a shoulder strain. Damn, this is gonna give his namelganger, Chris Davis, a chance to catch him in homers. Khe’s listed as day-to-day, but this sounds more like a day-to-15-day-DL. Therrific.
Drew Hutchison – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 10 Ks. Member when all the rage was Hutchison was good in road games, then he got mollywhopped in a road game? It was only ten days ago so you should remember. Yesterday’s game was in Toronto where he had a 8.13 ERA entering this game. What does all this mean? Nothing really, it’s small sample size stuff — that’s what she said! — but it does illustrate a point that Hutchison is unreliable. By the by, yesterday was Canada Day. Canadians celebrated with logging, homo milk and BeaverTails. Sounds like Pride Week.
Jose Bautista – 1-for-4 and his 16th homer as he returned from his hamstring injury. Bangfizzle!
Colby Rasmus – 1-for-3 and his 12th homer, and his third homer in the last ten days. Hasn’t done a lot else besides the power, and is hitting .228 on the year, which is across the street from Marla Gibbs.
Albert Pujols – 1-for-9, 2 runs, 1 RBI and his 17th homer. Dare I say he golfed that ball out of there.
Josh Hamilton – 3-for-6, 2 runs and his 4th homer. Four homers? I know he was injured. Of course, I know, I write these shizzes every day. But four homers. Wow. It’s almost like him and Prince Fielder are out in the woods making a flump together. Oh, and look up flump on Urban Dictionary if you don’t know what it is. Might be the best definition ever. “Hey, you boys were out in the woods a while. What’s the big idea?” “Aw, c’mon, ma, we were just making a flump.”
Kole Calhoun – 2-for-7, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer, and 2nd homer in the last three games. While you’re waiting to see if you should pick him up, others are picking him up and beating you.
Garrett Richards – 8 IP, 3 ER, 4 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA up to 2.81. Peripheral-wise he’s not really that far off from that either. He’s given next to no homers, so that could change, and his BABIP is a tad low, but he looks like at worst a 3.50 ERA pitcher. At best, well, what you’ve gotten from him is the best.
Joe Smith – 2 IP, 0 ER and 2 saves. Don’t worry, the Sciosciapath is in talks to see what the Pirates want to get back Frieri.
Dayan Viciedo – 2-for-8, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer, and his third homer in the last five games. Hot schmotato alert!
Jose Abreu – 2-for-7, 3 RBIs and his 26th homer. The Grande Dolor!
Jake Petricka – 2 IP, 0 ER in a losing game, which might’ve been him just getting work, if we are really trying to convince ourselves that Petricka will get the next save.
Cliff Lee – On track for his first rehab start on Saturday. More was said, but this is the Cliff notes.
Carlos Ruiz – Not making any progress from his concussion. I’d Google Concussion + Adderall, if I were the Phils, but I only wrote 70% of WebMD entries, what do I know?
Cody Asche – 2-for-5 and his 5th homer. Hasn’t done a ton since his return from the DL, but this might be the start of something. Definitely isn’t the end of something, since nothing’s started yet, right? Hmm, I riddled myself into a logic puzzle.
A.J. Burnett – 6 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 10 Ks vs. the Marlins, ERA up to 3.92. Apricot Juice has been the subject of trade rumors, and will likely be traded if the Phils can get back a wily vet. What’s the price for Eric Chavez? He’s got grit and left-handedness!
Marlon Byrd – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 16th homer. Okay, if you throw in Byrd, you can have Chavez!
Henderson Alvarez – 7 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA is at 2.33. Maybe when his ERA gets below 2 you’ll stop thinking of him as a streamer. I got your number, and I’m standing behind you eating granola. Hey, what’s up?
Christian Yelich – 2-for-5, 1 run and his 11th steal and his first since he returned from the DL. For a second I thought he was going to say the dog ate his speed.
Hiroki Kuroda – 8 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners, 7 Ks, lowering his ERA to 4.08. He’s been essentially a streamer this year, and the Stream-o-Nator likes his next start, and so do I, so *raspberries lips*.
David Price – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 9 Ks. Remind me next year to put flashing lights around a David Price buy low at the end of April. Ta!
Logan Forsythe – 2-for-4, 1 RBI. Okay, people are gonna start to think I really like this guy. He is hitting near-.450 in the last week, so yummers.
Yunel Escobar – Hit the DL with shoulder soreness. This opens up everyday playing time for my new main squeeze, Logan Forsythe. Who? Oh, him again! We’ll see how long Logan’s run can last or if he’ll just get renamed Hunger Games for a younger generation.
Grant Balfour – 1 IP, 0 ER and his 11th save. Joe Maddon went with him last night for the save because he saw Balfour walking his grandmother and said Balfour had good karma. Matt Joyce hit third because he was talking to this homely girl, and being really sweet. Jennings hit leadoff because he said excuse me when he bumped into someone. Kevin Kiermaier hit ninth because he screamed at a child, “Eat some more ice cream, fatty!”
