Phillies Bluntly Roll The Miami Pitching Staff

Damn, the Phils McCrackin’ homers vs. Miami yesterday, hitting eight! Starting up the dong charger, Kyle Schwarber (4-for-5) hit his 55th and 56th homer. Only 16 players have 55 homers. In the history of baseball. No one is talking about Schwarber and he’s having a legit NL MVP season. Everyone is in the shadow of Raleigh’s ass. Even last night Schwarber was overshadowed by Edmundo Sosa (3-for-4, 5 RBIs). Edmundo Sammy Sosa! What’s Edmundo Sosa’s vitiligo like? Is he sandblasting his skin? Does he reverse tan?! Well, does he?! Yesterday, he hit his 8th, 9th and 10th homer! Okay, Sosa hitting trips, it’s 1998 again! Marlins were turning pale having to face Sosa when it’s usually the other way around with Sosa! Also, Otto Kemp (1-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs) hit his 8th homer, 2nd homer in two games and he was last Friday’s buy lede, but you didn’t want him! You hated on my brain! (Making up naysayers that don’t exist helps fuel me.) Bryson Stott (1-for-4) even homered, his 13th! Alec Bohm (2-for-4, 2 runs and hit his 11th homer) got into the act and he never gets into the act! Even Jesus Luzardo went 7 IP, 0 ER, 3 hits, zero walks, and hit 10 homers! Wait, those are Ks. Okay, my bad. It’s September 24th. Steve Martin, “Excuuuuuuuuuuuuse me!” Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Ryan Weathers – 4 2/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 3.99. Would’ve preferred to not *pinkie to mouth* Weathers that one.

James Wood – 2-for-4 and his 29th and 30th homer, and three homers in two games. You last week, “I can’t take this anymore, I need to drop Wood so I have a chance at winning my H2H league…” You on Sunday, “My opponent picked up James Wood? Ha, what an idiot! I have this locked up, baby!” You today, “Hmm, God doesn’t love his most petty soldier.”

Josh Bell – 2-for-4 and his 21st homer. Josh Bell never hits one homer without following it the next few games with more homers. As they say in the biz, that’s an automatic hot schmotato.

Eli White – 1-for-1 and his 10th homer. Eli White, my dentist, has a chance to pass Gunnar Henderson in homers.

Marcell Ozuna – 1-for-2 and his 21st homer. This offseason he’s going to sign with the Giants for seven years, and hit 12 homers and .220 next year.

Drake Baldwin – 1-for-5 and his 19th homer. Drake’s not like us! Us being a person watching baseball not playing it.

Bryce Elder – 7 IP, 3 ER, 6 hits, zero walks, 7 Ks, ERA at 5.30. Streamonator loved this start, but I admittedly didn’t have the testicular fortitude to trust him.

Brandon Lowe – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 31st homer, 2nd homer in three game, third homer in a week. B. Lowe goes from hot to cold to hot to cold to–well, you get the point, and he’s currently hot.

Shane Baz – 4 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 4.87. I honestly don’t get it. What was the point of this? Just to throw four more innings onto his arm? Bazarre.

David Fry – Likely out for a couple of months with a broken nose. He was in good spirits after taking a fastball to the face from Skubal, and Skubal even visited him in the hospital. A barely audible, soft, apologetic, “Dudes rock.”

George Valera – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer. George Valera sounds like a movie star in the 50’s who’s Anglicized his name. And he plays for the Cleveland, uh, Guardians.

Jack Flaherty – 4 1/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 4.64. Joe Exotic had better success with Tigers.

Tanner Bibee – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.24. Bibee got good once I gave up on him. Let me try something — Gunnar Henderson, I give up on you!

Paul Skenes – 6 IP, 0 ER, 4 hits, zero walks, 7 Ks, ERA at 1.97. He has a sub-2 ERA. In his career! I’m sorry for the hyperbole for the recent vs. the past but this is one of the best we’ve ever seen if not the best. He lacks wins because the Pirates are a bunch of bleeping idiots, so that’s hurt his Player Rater value, but ratio-wise? This is insane.

Hunter Greene – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.76. Greene is one of the best pitchers in baseball, and he was completely overshadowed by Skenes, who is one of the best of all-time. Have I mentioned of all-time? It’s of all-time.

Tyler Stephenson – 4-for-5 and his 13th homer, and nearly hit a 2nd homer. Could be a quick schmotato if you need a catcher bat in a pennant race, so you know he’s playing.

Aaron Judge – 3-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 50th and 51st homer. Cal Raleigh or Judge for MVP? Man, I wouldn’t want to make that decision–I’m kidding! Of course it’s Judge.

Trent Grisham – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 34th homer. 268th homer for Yankees’ leadoff hitter and a new record! This is all from Elias Sports Bureau.

Max Fried – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.86, and his 19th win. Glad I always liked him! Proven right, once again!

Garrett Crochet – 8 IP, 0 ER, 3 hits, zero walks, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.59. Sew, Crochet’s awesome. Wouldn’t want to be facing him in a short playoff series, though I haven’t played baseball since I was 12 and I only got one hit that final year and it was when my buddy said he’d throw me a meatball.

Matt Shaw – 3-for-4, 3 runs and a slam (13) and legs (17). Think if Shaw’s on, say, the Nats or M’s, he has 45 steals and is being talked like: PCA or Shaw in 2026? And, honestly, it could be either of them next year. I do think Shaw’s just scratched the surface of how good he can be.

Michael Busch – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 31st, 2nd homer in four games. Bird in the hand is worth Busch in my corner infidel slot on one of my more disappointing teams so thanks a lot.

Jose Siri – Was designated for assignment. Siri found out from his iPhone. The irony!

Francisco Alvarez – 1-for-2, 2 RBIs and his 11th homer, and 2nd homer in two games, and 3rd homer in eight games. Hot schmotato alert!

Juan Soto – 1-for-4 and his 43rd homer. Ugh, you know how much he wishes that was a steal.

Jonah Tong – 2 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 7.71. Oh no, he’s got Metsitis. Stick him in a box of packing peanuts and ship him to the Mariners!

Hunter Brown – 5 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.43. I like Brown, and I don’t really dislike the Astros, but them stumbling out of the playoffs thanks to Luis Severino (6 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.54) is kinda funny.

Byron Buxton – 1-for-4 and his 32nd homer. Never let this year end for Buxton. No, seriously, hypnotize him into thinking it’s always 2025. Yeah, man, the final Mission Impossible will be out later this summer and wait until you see Alien: Earth in September, I hear good things.

Taj Bradley – 6 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 5.05. Check out, Mr. Game Plan.

Jacob deGrom – 5 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 2.97. Wanna freak out someone who hasn’t paid attention to baseball this year? Tell them Buxton homered off deGrom in September, and they both stayed healthy all year.

Taylor Ward – 1-for-4 and his 36th homer, and 2nd homer in two games. Totally underrated guy. You didn’t even want to keep him on your team if you had him!

Yusei Kikuchi – 5 IP, 1 ER, 1 hit, 1 walk, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.99. Kikuchi is the most 4.00 ERA pitcher you’re gonna find, so I guess way to go exceeding expectations.

Jackson Merrill – 1-for-4 and his 16th homer. He reached the Gunnar line! Congrats! Let’s see what he wins…He wins no congrats. Hmm, we actually have to take that congrats back. Sorry about that.

Dylan Cease – 5 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 4.55. Holding an index card to head like Carnac the Magnificent, “Cease and Gunnar.” Opens up the envelop and it says, “Why I have an ulcer.”

Luis Castillo – 7 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 1 hit, zero walks, 10 Ks, ERA at 3.54. His only mistake was to Blaine Crim. Defund the Luis!

Jorge Polanco – 2-for-4 and his 25th homer. Well, sure, he’s got Butt Boy’s bouncy balls.

Eugenio Suarez – 1-for-4 and his 48th homer. Nomnomnom, Butt Boy’s bouncy balls!

Cal Raleigh – 3-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 59th and 60th homer. Roger Maris Jr. showing up to watch Cal Raleigh break his father’s home run mark of 61, seeing his giant ass and being like, “Forget it, I’m going home.” The Ass Man is getting fed giant bouncy balls! He’s basically bunting homers now and it’s hilarious. I see you Manfred, and I am onto you! If you drafted Cal Raleigh, way to draft the best catcher season of all-time. You lucky ess oh bee got a 60-homer season from your freakin’ catcher! How is this real life? More next week when I go over all the positional recaps but SPOILER: Raleigh might be the top ranked catcher.

Julio Rodriguez – 2-for-4 and his 32nd homer. Feed me the Butt Boy’s Bouncy Balls!

Rafael Devers – 1-for-4 and his 34th homer, 3rd homer in a week. Someone’s trying to get traded back to Boston!

Robbie Ray – Done for the season. So the Giants wouldn’t get any ideas about using him again, the Giants’ trainer cut his pants off him.