[brid autoplay=”true” video=”453175″ player=”10951″ title=”2019 Razzball Fantasy Football Draft Kit Quarterbacks”]
Yesterday, Abraham Toro-Hernandez (0-for-4) was called up by the Astros. Funny, I thought Abraham Toro-Hernandez was one of those special sushi rolls. “It’s got lox for the Jews, toro because it’s sushi and it’s served in a giant tostada. You want?” That’s the sushi restaurant waitress who is always annoyed. For Toro-Hernandez, I did a google (which is similar to when a baby says ‘I did a doo-doo,’ because you don’t do nothing but sh*t for 20 minutes), and I’ve come to realize the most overused expression of the last five years is “The Most Interesting Man.” Saw one article talk about how Toro was “The Most Interesting Man” because he spoke multiple languages and grew up in Montreal. That doesn’t make him interesting, that makes him from Montreal. Why does this infuriate me? He looks like a batting average-forward guy (.306 in Double-A) with some power (16 HRs in 98 games), and more speed than he’s shown in the minors (4 SBs). Appears to be a bit raw and maybe just a bench guy, but major league pitching and Double-A might not be that different, so Shruggy the Emoji shrugs. With Correa needing a giant bubble to stay healthy, Toro could see everyday starts at 3rd, and I could see grabbing him for the flier and upside. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Ryan Pressly – Hit the IL with a knee contusion. At least that’s the rumor, but no one would dare look below Pressly’s waist for fear of passing out from sight of his junk.
Gerrit Cole – 7 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 12 Ks, ERA at 2.75. Can’t believe I put $55,000 on the Tigers. They rolled over the Astros on Wednesday, damn!
John Hicks – 1-for-1, 2 RBIs and his 10th homer, and 2nd homer in two games and I couldn’t even squeeze him into the Buy column coming later today because there’s so many catchers that are hitting right now. I’m about to carry three catchers in one league. Pour some catchers on me, Def Leppard!
Niko Goodrum – 1-for-4 and his 12th homer, hitting .249. I might be the only one who actually owns Goodrum and didn’t have him in my lineup because he was out for the last few days. “Use the Goodrum” is the #1 rule of Coughlin’s Law.
Yoan Moncada – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 21st homer, hitting .303 (!), as he was activated from the IL. Kevin from ESPN’s “Get Him In Your Lineup” Department said, “Didn’t know I would offend Karen when I said, ‘You miss 100% of the shots if you don’t vaccinate.'”
James McCann – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 15th homer, hitting .289. *Tawny Kitaen on the hood of a Camaro as catchers pour all over her*
Ariel Jurado – 8 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 5.48, as he threw a complete game shitburger. Just had to mention it because you don’t see it often. That’s a serious throwback complete game from before bullpens were invented. From Wikipedia, “With the rise of labor unions in the 1880’s, baseball managers were under fire from throwing their pitchers the regulation 14-inning game, and devised a system with criminals from a local police station bull-pen.”
Leury Garcia – 1-for-2, 1 run and his 15th steal, hitting .283. Been meaning to mention this schmohawk for a while, but so many things to mention and so little room between my swollen knuckles from carpal tunnel. Everyone needs steals, and Garcia’s 15 steals actually rate. Plus, he’s hitting leadoff and not killing you in average.
Freddie Freeman – 1-for-4 and his 34th homer, hitting .304. Freeman is a good litmus test for how juiced balls are. He’s a 32-homer guy, so however many homers he goes over 32, that’s how juiced the balls are. This is very scientific.
Mike Soroka – 7 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.41. With each great game, next year the Regression Fairies are going to turn Soroka into their own private Grindr.
Sandy Alcantara – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.15. Look at Alcantara neutralizing runners like Al Cowlings. Streamonator likes Alcantara’s next start just a bit, and I could see giving him a whirl.
Jeff Samardzija – 7 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.44. If I had Samardzija and/or Sonny Gray on all of my teams this year — i.e., guys I had everywhere last year — I’d be winning massively in pitching categories. This doesn’t mean I was wrong to draft them last year instead of this year, I was just unlucky, which is why it’s hilarious anyone considers themselves a full-caps, spelled-out Expert. It’s also why it’s so goofy people draft starters early. I will remind you of this next year when German Marquez is a top 10 starter.
Kyle Hendricks – 7 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.20. Hendricks is like a poor man’s Ryu, though I believe they were drafted in reverse order so Ryu’s a poor man’s Hendricks? Man, I’ve painted myself into a logic corner here. What if they’re both fiscally responsible facsimiles?
Ken Giles – Out on paternity leave. Wow, he didn’t even look pregnant. But don’t bother with Derek Law (2/3 IP, 3 ER, blown save, ERA at 5.13) who unfortunately for the Jays didn’t knock up anyone nine months ago.
Jacob Waguespack – 7 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 1 walk, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.63 as he went into Dodger Stadium like en bee dee. Dodgers hitters might’ve been off-balance all night because every time they went to bat, behind home plate, Larry King would give a fifteen-minute anecdote about his days at Camp Waguespack. “I’d take a kayak into the lake with Judith Burnstein. That was the last older woman I ever was with…She was a real strumpet.”
Griffin Canning – Done for the year. The Angels are on pace to become the 1st modern-era team to not have one pitcher reach 100 IP. That’s gonna be hard to blame on Trout, but I’m sure some people will try.
Francisco Cervelli – Released by the Pirates and it’s being reported he has “some sort of deal” with the Braves. Me too, man, they get me so mad! By the way, the Pirates releasing Cervelli: That fixed them! Definitely the move to turn around a whole franchise. Way to go, Pirates!
Max Scherzer – 4 IP, 1 ER, ERA at 2.41, as he was activated from the IL. He’s basically rehabbing in the majors. Cool for the Nats as they chase the playoffs, but not so cool for fantasy baseballers (<–my mom’s term!).
Trea Turner – 2-for-5, 1 run. In the 1st inning, he turned a single into a hustle double, so he’s not hurt, but then Adam Eaton bunted, which I guess was a weak attempt for a hit, but why isn’t Trea just stealing third? I’d say it’s a team philosophy, but Robles stole his 20th bag yesterday. I don’t know what’s up with Trea, and it’s driving me nuts.
Anthony Rendon – 2-for-5, and his 28th homer, hitting .324. Someone’s trying to steal the NL MVP from Travis Shaw, amongst others.
Masahiro Tanaka – 6 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 4.68. The A’s aren’t exactly pushovers, but Tanaka should be pushed over to waivers.
Gleyber Torres – 4-for-4, 3 runs, and his 30th and 31st homer, hitting .288. Light bulb: Maybe Gleyber doesn’t hit the O’s well. Maybe he hits well against vowels. “Whoa,” Keanu.
Tanner Roark – 6 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.95. Weird to say a guy with a barely under-4 ERA is underrated, but I do think Roark is. Streamonator is a little iffy on his next road start, but I could see streaming him.
Brandon Lowe – Out for the remainder of the season with a strained quad. “Shame we’re going to miss him tremendously…” Kevin Cash said as he pulled Lowe’s jersey off, over his head, and put it on over Nate Lowe’s head. (By the way, the Rays have a third Lowe in the minor league system. Some teams don’t sign big-name free agents, other teams save costs on jerseys by only signing guys with the same last name, some teams do both.)
Jeff McNeil – Will start a rehab assignment in Triple-A Syracuse. More like Squirr-acuse! *throws own computer out the window* Can’t beat that one!
Aaron Civale – 5 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 1.82. No, he’s not that good. I don’t think he’s even as good as Pukie Houser, who I’m still feeling out on how much I like him. However, I’m in on Civale until he comes crashing down.
Paul DeJong – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 23rd homer. Also, in this game, Marcell Ozuna (1-for-3), 2 runs, 2 RBIs) hit his 23rd homer too. Colonel Mustard with a fire-breathing OZUNA in a Japanese monster movie!
Dexter Fowler – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 15th homer, hitting .251. Fowler ended up being a good $1 bet by me in my Tout Wars draft (12-team NL-Only). It’s too bad Trea Turner decided to stop running, Greg Holland, Marquez, Wheeler and Matz ruptured my team’s ratio spleen and Porcelain Dahl can’t stay on the field. I’m in third, but I need a miracle to move up, and a gentle nudge to fall down.
German Marquez – 6 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.76. Looking for the Nuremberg rallies every time with German and getting trials.
Nolan Arenado – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 32nd homer. I thought the Pussycat Swallowtail butterfly was an invention of Gilligan’s Island, but I’ll be damned if that’s not one. It doesn’t seem like it wants to fly away, so let’s put it by this open window–NOOO!!! Torenado!
Kyle Freeland – Hit the IL with a groin strain. As a porn star would say, damn, tough blow.
