So, I got the 5th pick. How’s your day going? At the Winter Meetings? That’s cool, same. Maybe you’ve seen me in the lobby, I’m wearing a floral arrangement on my head while I hide in a pot. Wait, there’s no Winter Meetings, that’s right. I mean there is, a group of billionaires are Zoom’ing into the Winter Meetings where the hottest commodity is a guy who was a backup catcher last year. Hey, Jon Heyman, stop leaking McCann news. I ate a few too many Olestra-laden potato chips and McCann is leaking! It’s none of your business! Last week, I took part in an NFBC team league, and here is, as the people say who are trying on hats, my recap. For those not in the know, this is a 15-team, two-catcher league that lasts for 50 rounds and there’s no waivers. You draft it, and manage it. Weekly moves for pitchers, bi-weekly (rawr!) for hitters, changing out on Monday and Friday. I didn’t want the fifth pick. I wanted any pick but the fifth pick. As I see it, there’s an obvious top four (Sexy Dr. Pepper, Tildaddy, FTJ, Mookie Best), then…Dot dot dot…Question mark. What now? I didn’t want to think for the 1st pick, but the automated draft picker thing (that’s its name) said I was the most qualified to think, so I thought. Or I just screwed up my pre-draft rankings for which pick I wanted. Like a teamster, I’m leaning on the latter. Anyway, here’s my NFBC draft recap:
C: Danny Jansen (17, 245)
C: Jacob Stallings (24, 356)
1B: Max Muncy (9, 125)
2B: Ozzie Albies (3, 35)
SS: Javier Baez (5, 65)
3B: Nolan Arenado (2, 26)
MI: Ryan McMahon (18, 266)
CI: Hunter Dozier (15, 215)
OF: Mike Trout (1st, 5th pick)
OF: Kyle Lewis (7, 95)
OF: Nick Solak (11, 155)
OF: Clint Frazier (13, 185)
OF: Jo Adell (20, 296)
Util: Bobby Dalbec (22, 326)
Bench: Jose Iglesias (26), Josh Naylor (27), Roman Quinn (30), Luis Garcia (32), Kevin Newman (33), Francisco Mejia (36), Jake Bauers (38), Tyler Wade (40), Matt Carpenter (42), Jose Marmolejos (44), Johan Camargo (46), Ronaldo Hernandez (48), Harold Castro (50)
P: Lance Lynn (4, 56)
P: Jose Berrios (6, 86)
P: Kenley Jansen (8, 116)
P: Sandy Alcantara (10, 146)
P: Tyler Mahle (12, 176)
P: Jordan Romano (14, 206)
P: Nate Pearson (16, 236)
P: Griffin Canning (19, 275)
P: Elieser Hernandez (21, 305)
Bench: Aaron Bummer (23), Adrian Morejon (25), Kris Bubic (28), Carlos Martinez (29), Rafael Dolis (31), Logan Webb (34), Clarke Schmidt (35), Felix Pena (37), Eric Lauer (39), Tanner Roark (41), Rowan Wick (43), Jakob Junis (45), Blake Taylor (47), Logan Allen (49)
SO, I’VE BEEN SPENDING A LOT OF TIME KNITTING CROCHET MASKS THAT READ, ‘JUST THE VAX, MA’AM’ AND HAVEN’T BEEN PAYING MUCH ATTENTION TO FANTASY BASEBALL, BUT DID YOU SAY IN YOUR OPENING YOU DID NOT WANT THE 5TH PICK, I.E., MIKE TROUT? EMPHASIS ON “NOT” WHICH IS HARD WHEN YOU’VE CAPPED AND BOLDED EVERYTHING.
Good question, Mr. Bolden Al Capps. It’s not that I don’t want Mike Trout. He’s Mike Trout. The King of New Jersey, a movie currently in development with Zach Braff, presumably. By the by, Zach Braff has never done anything good. Sorry, Zachistans, and your neighbor to the north, Scrubs-a-Dubs. He sucks. Yes, I’m still bitter he did Garden State, a movie about my home state that resembles New Jersey if New Jersey resembled Connecticut. Any hoo! Trout is the Alpha and the Omega, and a 40-homer, .280 hitter. It’s great, glorious, adjective! But I really want someone with some of that sweet speed and upside. Trout’s speed has all but been dunked into rice, ya know, dried up, and upside? C’mon, he’s flipped all the switches at this point. Don’t get me wrong, they’re good switches! I just, ya know, love the top four.
SPEAKING OF SPEED, I COUNT TWELVE TOTAL STEALS FOR YOUR TEAM. SAGNOF MAY NOT HAVE A FACE, BUT YOU’RE SHOWING YOUR FACE AFTER THIS? JUST SLEEPING THROUGH DRAFTS, HUH, GREY? HUH? OKAY, I’LL STOP SO YOU CAN ANSWER.
That’s hurtful. It’s not a forward-facing speed team. As you can see from my bench, I tried to rectify some of the misgivings: Roman Quinn, Kevin Newman, Jake Bauers, Tyler Wade–Okay, they don’t have many steals either. Roman is my biggest steals takeaway. Not to be confused with Roman’s takeaway restaurant, Toga, which has its customers saying their trademark, “Did you say toga or to-go?” My hope is I have enough ten-ish steal guys to cover for guys like Arenado, McMahon, and Muncy.
I WAS PICKING ON YOUR LACK OF STEALS SO I DIDN’T HAVE TO EMBARRASS YOU WITH YOUR PUTRID AVERAGE. CONSIDER ME YOUR KINDER, GENTLER, BOLDER, CAPPIER BETTER HALF.
Was hoping you didn’t notice. The average scares me a lot. If Trout “only” hits .280, and Torenado’s slide from last year continues and Muncy hits .230 and Baez hits .230 and…Well, I could have some issues. When I drafted, I didn’t even have my own projections to go off of, so it was a good experiment to see how well I could grope around like Nicole Kidman trying to find an American accent.
MORE LIKE GROPING AROUND FOR METAPHORS, WHICH REMINDS ME: MOREJON IN THE 25TH ROUND. NOT A BAD “NO NEED FOR A BAG, I’LL BE DUNKING HIM IN MY COFFEE BEFORE I REACH MY CAR.”
Imagine the trouble Adrian Morejon gets into when he’s being asked what his last name is at the same time someone named Jon is telling him to tell them “when” as they pour coffee. *shudders* That’s a disaster. Last year, Morejon’s numbers were: 11.6 K/9, 1.9 BB/9, 3.02 xFIP in 19 1/3 IP. Kidding, I made up those numbers. No one’s numbers are those good. Close the page now and go about your life. Seriously. There’s nothing written after this. It’s just more Morejon puns — Adrian Morepun even. *stares at the last person still reading post, gets awkward, they finally close the page* Later, suckers! Now that I got rid of everyone that we don’t want to know this little sneaky tidbit: I wasn’t lying! He was really that good! Seriously, dubya tee eff? Morejon morelike moreyummy. Moremoremoremore, is what I say as I leer at my wife through the bathroom keyhole, and when I look at Morejon’s stats.
FEELS LIKE YOU MIGHT’VE USED ME TO FEED YOU MOREJON SO YOU COULD TALK ABOUT HIM.
No.
REALLY?
Okay, maybe. I do like my pitching, in general. I went over my Lance Lynn fantasy when he was traded the other day, and I will peel back your scalp and pour in information when it’s time, but I love Tyler Mahle, Pearson, Canning (again, I know), and Elieser. That’s not counting at least four arms on my bench who could be number three-to-five, useful starters. No, I’m not counting Eric Lauer. No, not Tanner Roark either. Okay, I was counting Junis, but I’m using a vague, relative unknown definition of useful.
