Yu Darvish hit the DL with elbow inflammation. ¬†In Grey’s 2nd half rankings, he said, “BAM!¬† What? ¬†(Darvish) should be in the top 20 with the rest of the big-name pitchers, but I‚Äôm worried about an injury, so I ranked him much lower and that gets a BAM!” ¬†And that’s me quoting Grey! ¬†Dayum, son, Grey called that one. ¬†Sure, he called it so long ago¬†that no one even remembers it, but he called it neverthehoo! ¬†Actually sounds a bit like Grey is writing this. ¬†Oh, shoot, here he comes! ¬†Hey, who wrote those previous, beautifully written sentences? ¬†Sure as heck wasn’t me! ¬†Guess that’s what I get for leaving my computer open at a Starbucks while I order a double foam, half-Sanka, half-espresso mocha, goochie, goochie, ya ya latte, LaBelle-style. ¬†Well, I told you I had concerns about Darvish and when I have concerns, I make it happen with my mind like some crazy, telekinetic-fantasy-baseball-Scott-Baio-in-Zapped mofo! ¬†The Rangers haven’t given a timetable for Darvish’s return yet, but like I also said in the 2nd half rankings, the Rangers have nothing to play for so they could shut him down. ¬†Give him more time with his lady friends. ¬†What does Darvish’s girlfriend call Yu’s erections? ¬†YD Bulger, and it’s in hiding. ¬†Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Brandon Phillips¬†– Could begin a rehab assignment on Friday and probably return early next week.¬† Reds manager Bryan Price said. “He’s going to certainly need at least a handful of at-bats to assess…”¬† That’s¬†bootylicious! ¬†Oh, wait, that’s a¬†handful of asses. ¬†By the by, I Googled how to spell¬†bootylicious cause I’m anal and stupid (terrible mix), and one of the first Google suggestions was the¬†bootylicious Scaptia beyonceae, which is a horsefly named after Beyonce. ¬†Seriously.
Homer Bailey – Hit the DL with a right arm injury. ¬†The Fantasy Baseball Overlord gets his kicks on Route ’86 that pitcher.’ ¬†Reds are confident that Bailey will return this year. ¬†Yeah, and people were once confident the earth was flat.
Mike Leake¬†– 5 IP, 5 ER.¬† Leake?¬† More like a flood!¬† *high fives self*¬† Ow, carpal tunnel!
Kris Negron – 2-for-4 and his 2nd steal.¬† Came into the game 0¬†for his last 11. ¬†I love a little Negroni prior to a meal to stimulate my digestive tract, but, until Negron shows more, he reminds me of other things found in my digestive tract.
Anthony Ranaudo¬†– 6 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 1 K as he was pitchslapped by Leake and allowed a homer to Skip Schumaker.¬†¬†This could’ve been uglier if Ranaudo faced only hitters whose primary function is to bunt.
Mike Napoli – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 15th homer.¬† That’s 15 homers for every nipple his mom shows in a photo.
Yoenis Cespedes – Left yesterday’s game with a bruised hand. ¬†He’s day-to-day, and¬†says if he was playing R.B.I. Baseball on Nintendo he would’ve stayed in.
Michael Bourn¬†– Will be activated this Friday.¬† Francona said, “Bournie is doing really well.”¬† Sounds like we’re gonna have a weekend with Bournie.
Trevor Bauer – 8 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 9 Ks. ¬†And the start before he was trounced, which only sounds like a made-up word. ¬†Tough to say which way Bauer is going on¬†any given day. ¬†Sure, in deeper leagues, he’s worth a shot, but I have little faith in him at this point.
Zach Walters – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 4th¬†homer in the day game and 0-for-4 in the 2nd game that was 0-0 into the 12th inning until the Diamondbacks hit Chen-Chang Lee (if I were making up that name, I’d be racist). ¬†Nothing like killing people’s day by raking up dozens of 1-for-7’s. ¬†Walters hasn’t been starting every day, but in AL-Only leagues, assuming the AL isn’t short for Albert, you have to gamble on Walters. ¬†He’s got power to spare, middle infield eligibility and Hugh Downs’s number for sexting.
Hisashi Iwakuma – 6 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks. Hisashi my dashi — slurp SLURP!
Kendrys Morales – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer, and 2nd in as many games. ¬†Well, an Eskimo stove got hot quicker than him, but it looks like he’s hot now. ¬†Do what you do, young prematurely balding man!
Jimmy Rollins – 2-for-5, 1 run, 1 RBI and 2 steals. ¬†Not bad for a grandfather.
Travis d’Arnaud – 2-for-4 and his 10th homer. ¬†Now has three homers in the last five games while batting over .300 in the last week. ¬†D’hot schmotato alert!
Jordan Zimmermann – 6 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA down to 2.92. ¬†His walk rate is down to 1.3, which would be superb on its own, but his K-rate is 8.2 too. ¬†Beyond a reasonable doubt, J-Z’s been great.
Rymer Liriano – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. ¬†So glad I dropped him prior to this game. ¬†I was like, “He’s in Petco and he could have growing pains and what happened to Ben Seaver, is he a churchie too?” and I dropped Rymer. ¬†Dah! ¬†I¬†wish I had him still.
Jedd Gyorko – 4-for-4, 1 run. ¬†Fun fact! ¬†In England, they pronounce the letter J as Jedd.
Abraham Almonte – 2-for-4 and his 1st homer on the Padres and 2nd homer on the year. ¬†Almonte hasn’t done a whole lot since his trade to the Padres, which is a story older than the Bible. ¬†Line starts in Connecticut¬†for guys that have disappointed on the Padres, wraps around the globe twice and ends again in front of Petco. ¬†Causes quite the bottleneck.
Yangervis Solarte – Left yesterday’s game with an oblique injury. ¬†Sounds like they’re gonna stamp the Yangervisa to the DL.
Ian Kennedy – 6 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 8 Ks,¬†ERA at 3.54. ¬†He was the number one SP on the Stream-o-Nator yesterday, which kinda baffled me. ¬†SON does love Petco and going against the Rockies on the road. ¬†What’s funny that’s not really funny at all,¬†Kennedy’s road ERA is almost a full run better than his home ERA. ¬†A Road Scholar who calls Petco home is like¬†a dolphin who eats tuna from a can.
Troy Tulowitzki – Done for the year with surgery on his hip. ¬†The Rockies want to get him under the knife so he can be healthy for 2015. ¬†Hahahahahahaha‚Ä¶ Wait, are they serious? ¬†Healthy? ¬†Okay, sure. ¬†Ow, I just hurt my eyes rolling them.
Carlos Gonzalez – His patella damage has increased since he was put on the DL. ¬†Only CarGo or Tulo worsen their injuries on the¬†DL. ¬†Only way I draft either next year is if they promise to ¬†wrap themselves completely in bubble wrap, and duct tape packing peanuts around their head.
DJ LeMahieu – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 4th homer. ¬†If anyone ever says LeMahieu, it’s proper to say gesundheit.
Chris Archer – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 12 Ks, ERA¬†down to 3.24. ¬†Hol up. ¬†Hol up. ¬†Wiz Khalifa says, hol up. ¬†12 Ks? ¬†Hol up. ¬†You making noise? ¬†Hol up, hol up. ¬†That’s the entire song, bee tee dubya. ¬†Hol up, Archer making noise! ¬†Oh, well, it was against the 1969 Rangers team. ¬†Yes, that’s before they were a team. ¬†Get it? ¬†Hol up, hol up, hol up! ¬†Next year, I might have a new Tampa crush besides Cobb. ¬†Hol up, hol up.
Matt Joyce – 1-for-4, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer. ¬†In this game, Brandon Guyer, who is more man than you, also hit a homer and also only had¬†one hit and Sean Rodriguez hit a homer in five at-bats with no other hits. ¬†Takes a whole lot of tryin’ for a team to score ten runs and have the whole team be a bunch of bangfizzles and ticker teases. ¬†Is Evan Longoria even playing anymore? ¬†He is, right? ¬†Someone please check for me.
Buck Farmer – 5 IP, 4 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks. ¬†Buck Farmer? ¬†Really? ¬†Is he¬†Charlie Manuel’s nephew? ¬†Buck Farmer sounds like a manager from the 1890s. ¬†Buck Farmer really knew how to get those scalawags in tiptop when facing the Spiders! ¬†Only way his name gets better is if it’s short for Bucktoothed Farmer. ¬†“Buck Farmer, you can’t wear overalls when you’re playing for us.” ¬†“Then, with all due respect to your fine organization, I quit. ¬†Sally, come and pick me up. ¬†Sally’s my mule.”
Alex Avila – 1-for-3 with his 10th homer and 2nd in as many games. ¬†Fine, you’re a hot schmotato! ¬†I get it!
Nick Castellanos – 2-for-4 and his 9th homer. ¬†The Greek God of Yawns has been so yawnstipating the Tigers have even started benching him recently. ¬†Worth watching, but not even like a cyclops with a monocle.
Victor Martinez – 3-for-4, 1 run, 3 RBIs, hitting .323 with 23 homers on the year. ¬†If you were to say the preceding aloud, it would automatically appear on SETI’s list of unexplained sounds.
Travis Snider – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 10th homer. ¬†I see your hot schmotato, Avila, and I raise you a guy that has three homers in the last three games and is batting over .350 in the last week. ¬†He’s seeing the ball well, and you should be seeing him to your team, pronto quick fast.
Justin Masterson – 7 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA on the Cards down to 6.00. ¬†This start was against the MIA Marlins, and he gets the Reds next time out at home. ¬†It could be anywhere from 4 IP, 7 ER to 7 IP, 0 ER. ¬†There’s no rhyme or reason with Masterson. ¬†Well, that does rhyme¬†but doesn’t negate lack of reason.
Byron Buxton – Carted off the field after colliding in his first game at Double-A New Britain. ¬†He wasn’t used to the fielders on the wrong side of the road. ¬†This is Exhibit 1,264 of how the Twins can’t have anything nice. ¬†Buxton was only concussed with¬†no broken bones. ¬†His 2014 is likely over though, i.e., the Buxton stops here.
Kyle Gibson – 7 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA down to 3.96. ¬†His K-rate is under 5 on the season. ¬†That’s ridunk. ¬†Bad ridunk, not good ridunk. ¬†I.e., a slam ridunk.
Joe Mauer – 2-for-4 and his 3rd homer. He’s back! ¬†Kidding. ¬†I don’t even know what him being back means at this point. ¬†Maybe 4 homers the rest of the way with a .315 average. ¬†That doesn’t sound too far off from best case scenario. ¬†It’s all right for a catcher slot if he actually does that.
Danny Santana – 4-for-5, 1 run and his 11th steal, hitting .331. ¬†On our 30-day Player Rater, he’s been the 2nd most valuable shortstop in the major leagues with nearly $30 worth of value. ¬†That means a month ago if you held an auction and spent $30 on Danny Santana, you got your value.
Kennys Vargas – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs. ¬†Is it greedy to want even more Kennys?
Brett Oberholtzer – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA down to 3.87. ¬†Girls said yes, but Grey¬†said no, now he’s in the big show, Remote Control starring Ken Oberholtzer!
Jason Vargas – 9 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA down to 3.27 and his WHIP is 1.20. ¬†He should be Jasons Vargas. ¬†Gots to pluralize shizz, cuz! ¬†Now I’m not saying I’d necessarily run out to own him due to his yawnstipating K-rate, but pitching is pretty damn deep when a guy with those ratios¬†is unowned in more than 80% of leagues.
Omar Infante – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer. ¬†Hispanic Baby Omar says it’s Showtime! ¬†And now there’s a lawsuit. ¬†Great.
Craig Gentry – Hit off a tee. ¬†No word if it was Earl Grey.
Kyle Lohse – Left yesterday’s game after tweaking his ankle. ¬†Tweaker!
Tsuyoshi Wada – 6 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA down to 3.15. ¬†By no means has he been dazzling, but I’m warming to him. ¬†He gets the Mets next, the Stream-o-Nator likes it and I think I’m gonna stream him. ¬†You’ve been warned.
Javier Baez – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 4th homer. ¬†That’s through 9 games. ¬†Eh, prorated over a 162-game season, that’s only a pace for¬†72 homers. ¬†Whatever. ¬†That’s not even the record.
Anthony Rizzo – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 27th homer. ¬†HR to the Rizzo!
Jose Quintana – 6 2/3 IP, 4 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA up to 3.14. ¬†I sure don’t feel like pi right now.
Adam Dunn – 1-for-3 and his 19th homer, and 2nd day in a row with a homer. ¬†All brays to the Big Donkey!
Hyun-Jin Ryu – Left yesterday’s start with an¬†injury to his buttocks. ¬†At first it was thought to be a hamstring injury,¬†because he left the mound pointing to it, but it turns out ¬†the Korean word for butt is hamstring.
Carl Crawford – 2-for-4, 1 run, 1 RBI and his 15th steal. ¬†Now hitting close to .500 in the last week. ¬†Yup.
Jayson Werth – Received a cortisone shot on his shoulder, and should return in a few days hitting homers by the dozen. ¬†Everyone needs a cortisone boost. ¬†This blurb was brought to you by¬†Coldstone Creamery, Hot Fudge Packers Love Us. ¬†Pause after the Fudge.
Masahiro Tanaka – Hoping to return this season. ¬†And I’m hoping to sell a trillion dollars worth of my plush Princess Di rearview mirror die.
Brian McCann – Will return on Saturday from his concussion. ¬†Click the Bose banner¬†in your playlist right now and find out what to expect from him. ¬†Hmm, I might have¬†to stop using Spotify. ¬†Too many ads.
Michael Pineda – 5 IP, 1 ER, 2 baserunners, 4 Ks. ¬†I was pretty close on my expected line I gave Pineda¬†yesterday, minus the debris sticking to his pine-tarred hand. ¬† Really depends on your league and team situation on whether you own him. ¬†I could see a month of starts around yesterday’s. ¬†Doubt the Yanks really push him hard, plus it’s hard wearing¬†those kid gloves. ¬†“Are these My Little Pony gloves? ¬†Cool!” ¬†That’s Joe Girardi.
Manny Machado – Hit the DL with his sprained knee. ¬†Regarding his timetable, Machado said, “Whenever I’m able to go out there and be Manny Machado.” ¬†Rickey Henderson is suing for use of the 3rd person trademark infringement. ¬†I wish someone would’ve asked Machado what exactly is being Manny Machado? ¬†Because in his time in the majors, he’s spent more time on the DL with knee injuries than he’s spent playing, so, technically, this might be Manny¬†being Manny.
Jonathan Schoop – 1-for-3 with his 11th homer. ¬†2015, it’s me Grey. ¬†Hey, hope you’re well. ¬†I hear there will be a electrical storm during your April that will render Pago Pago uninhabitable. ¬†Thank God for Sean Penn! ¬†While I have you on the line, could you promise me Schoop will be a sleeper that will produce. ¬†Yeah, yeah, I know, but you¬†also promised me on Josh Rutledge, Brad Miller and Gyorko. ¬†Not you, his name is Gyorko. ¬†How do you not know that? ¬†Any the hoo! ¬†That’s irrelevant. ¬†Have I told you how much better you look in a skirt than 2014? ¬†Yes, striking!