[shakes up a sparkling water, cracks open the bottle and sprays strangers on the street] This Excitement Facial is courtesy of Soderstrom! Why the anger? An Excitement Facial is something you want to take part in and is extremely fun! Geez, sorry, you don’t have to punch me! When the creator of the Soderstrom sold the rights to Bed, Bath & Beyond, so everyone could have sparkling water while they shopped for bath towels, I thought, “That’s very nice, I want a beige towel now and some sparkling water!” I did not expect something this wonderful for everyone. Thank you, Bed, Bath & Beyond, sorry you had to go out of business. You died so Soderstrom could live. Yesterday, The Sparkling Water, Tyler Soderstrom (3-for-5, 3 runs, 6 RBIs) hit his 7th and 8th homer. And it wasn’t even in Bing Bong Stadium! As BDon and I talk about on this week’s podcast, Soderstrom looks for real. He’s cut his Ks, upped his walks, is hitting everything hard and pulling everything. Dude’s locked in! He is hitting a few too many ground balls and I don’t think he’s a 40% HR/FB guy, so he’s not going to hit 60 homers, but 35+/110/.250 is within range. Ya know, what you were hoping from Matt Olson. Now get in line so I can give you an Excitement Facial. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Shea Langeliers – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 4th homer, hitting .20. Sia’s almost as happy about Langeliers as the new season of Survivor.
Jonah Bride – Designated for assignment. He could catch on somewhere else. Like if he has a time machine, and can go back to the 1888 Brooklyn Bridegrooms.
Jesus Sanchez – 1-for-4 as he returned from the IL. Jesus back? And five days before Easter? Someone can’t read a calendar! Was super happy to see Jesus back in the one league where I have him because I painted all these stupid eggs, and was starting Miguel Vargas. Your mileage may vary.
Josh Naylor – 2-for-5 and his 2nd homer, hitting .328. Glad whatever it is that’s messing up Walker, he took it with him and didn’t leave it behind to put the kavorka on the DBags’ 1B spot.
Geraldo Perdomo – 1-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 3rd homer, hitting .321, hitting 2nd and hitting near-.430 in the last week. Caldo schmodomo alerto!
Corbin Carroll – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 5 RBIs and his 6th homer. I like to imagine this is actually Gunnar Henderson, don’t tell me different.
Ronald Acuña Jr. – Cleared to ramp up activity toward a rehab assignment. Cool, I have a question: Can he return yesterday?
Spencer Schwellenbach – 4 2/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 2.55. Wait, did Touki curse the Braves? Damn you, Touki!
Matt Olson – 1-for-3 and his 2nd homer. Sell! I’m not kidding. I said this after Devers had his one big game of the season, too. (Actually, it was a doubleheader, but same diff.)
Ozzie Albies – 1-for-4 and his 4th homer, and Austin Riley (2-for-4) hit his 5th homer, and 3rd homer in two games. Okay, good to see the Braves’ womb become a little less polluted.
Kevin Gausman – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 hits, zero walks, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.49. Don’t worry, I’ll get back in on Gausman next year and he’ll be awful again.
Anthony Santander – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 2nd homer. “Didn’t you already sign a contract to be here?” That’s the homer-less Vlad Jr.
Alan Roden – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. It was April 15th and every Alan is an accountant, so you know he was doing work.
Devin Williams – 1 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 6.00, and 3rd save. I don’t talk about closers when they’re going well, so this is to say I was more worried two days about Devin than I am today.
MJ Melendez – 1-for-4 and his 1st homer. Home run call for him should be, “What a shot! Excuse me, Melendez! But, sorry, no pardon!”
Juan Soto – 1-for-4 and his 3rd homer, and 2nd homer in the last two games. Mets wheeled a cardboard cutout of Aaron Judge out to the on-deck circle for Soto’s at-bat.
Pete Alonso – 2-for-4 and his 5th homer. Albombso!
Tylor Megill – 5 IP, 2 ER, 8 hits, zero walks, 3 Ks, ERA at 1.40. Well, no one thought he was a 1.40 ERA pitcher, but three Ks really drives home the point.
Bailey Ober – 6 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 5 hits, zero walks, 5 Ks, ERA at 6.16. He’s taking the long way to a sub-4 ERA, huh? Ain’t Bailey Under, I’ll tell ya that.
Carlos Correa – 1-for-2, 1 RBI. This is gonna sound crazy. Nuts even. You may not believe me. But, are you sitting down, Correa is injured.
Brenton Doyle – Said he won’t need a trip to the IL. He just won’t play for two weeks.
Logan Henderson – Called up by the Brewers. As a person of interest in a cold-blooded murder of NL-Only waiver wires and long been a Short Eyes myself, I got massive hankerings for Logan Henderson. His 40.7 K% was 3rd in Triple-A and everything is Whiff City — 94 MPH fastball with a 34.6 Whiff% and 82 MPH change with a 46.4 Whiff% — and a 88 MPH cutter and 83 MPH slider that keep people honest. I’ve been stashing him since Day 1 in one NL-Only league. I am a fan. In mixed leagues? Meh, he might be a long-man out of the pen to begin, but I am monocle’ing, clearly.
Quinn Priester – 5 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 3 walks, 4 Ks, ERA at 0.90. I’m over here waiting on Henderson and I should just embrace Priester, then call up the Spotlight team. Regret to inform, his peripherals look awful, and I don’t trust him at all. Streamonator could like him and I’d have a hard time getting in on him.
Matt Shaw – Optioned down the .172-hitting Matt Shaw to the Cubs, and the Cubs will turn to the .172-hitting Justin Turner. I kid, kinda. They’ll turn, er, to Berti or Gage Workman. Yesterday, it was both at 3rd. Lowercase yay.
Shota Imanaga – 5 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.22. His ERA is actually 2.22222222222, but I *pinkie to mouth* Shota’ened it.
Randy Vasquez – 5 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 1.74. Don’t think about how you have Framber instead of some schmohawk off waivers. Just nod, smile vacantly, look at the Streamonator and move on.
Manny Machado – 1-for-4 and his 2nd homer, hitting .313. Macho Macho Manny!
Alexis Diaz – 2/3 IP, 0 ER as he was activated from the IL, but won’t return to the closer’s role immediately. As Truss said, “Francona really gonna make me hold Pagan until he gives up 7 ER in 1/3 IP huh?”
Matt McLain – 0-for-2, 2 runs, 1 RBI as he was activated from the IL. May 9th. I think you know what that date is. Don’t worry, July 28th is Royce Lewis’s date. After returning only two weeks before!
Austin Hays – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 1st homer, as he was activated from the IL. Reds got a bunch of guys back. Spencer Steer’s about to become either a part-time player or get an IL stint he needed about four weeks ago, and Noelvi Marte is going to clear twelve hundred games in the minors. “I will present Noelvi with an award named after me.” That’s Rusney Castillo.
Dylan Moore – 3-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 3rd and 4th homer, as he hits leadoff. If only I drafted him instead of Gunnar Henderson. To the tune of Thompson Twins Hold Me Now, “Kill me now…Warm my heart…”
Luis Castillo – 4 1/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 4.22. Whispering to myself, “Be respectful, don’t gloat.” Um, cool, better luck next time, Castillo! Whispering again, “Very believable.”
Jarren Duran – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and a slam (1) and legs (6), hitting .234. Haven’t yet watched the Sawx Netflix show, but I plan on it. I just don’t understand why it wasn’t released, like, I don’t know, last year.
Alex Bregman – 5-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 3rd and 4th homer, hitting .321. It’s very weird for me to have Bregman in so many leagues this year, but I told you he was gonna eat in Fenway (and drink in Big Stein).
Walker Buehler – 5 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 5.23 vs. Ryan Pepiot – 6 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 4.91. This was a matchup of, “I didn’t really want him vs. I did want him, and now I don’t really want either.” I just don’t love having a starter who I feel I can’t start at home, and that kinda goes for both of these guys.
Jonathan Aranda – 2-for-3 and his 3rd homer. Johnny Aranda sounds so badass. Jonathan? What, you a seagull? His stats right now are saying Yandy with a better launch angle. Call him Dandy Diaz.
Steven Kwan – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 3rd homer. Only three more homers than Gunnar, why do you ask?
Logan Allen – 5 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.30. Sure glad I drafted Framber! Good news (I don’t know if this is good news. Well, it is for me because I don’t have him), Allen isn’t really pitching this well.
Cedric Mullins – 2-for-3 and a slam (4) and legs (3), hitting .300. Bit goofy that Westburg (0-for-4, hitting .196) is hitting leadoff and Mullins is hitting 7th. Okay, a lot goofy.
Justin Verlander – 5 2/3 IP, 4 ER, 11 baserunners, 1 K, ERA at 6.75. He looked better than his line. More like 6 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 2 Ks, if that makes you feel better.
Jesus Luzardo – 5 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.31. He looked worse than his line. More like 4 2/3 IP, 4 ER, 11 baserunners, 1 K, if that makes you feel worse.
Bryce Harper – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer. Glad we didn’t have to wait for his wife to give birth with their next child for him to homer. Though, that is just about every nine months and one day. Bryce saw 20 Kids and Counting and was like, “A’ight bet!”
J.T. Realmuto – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. Jerry Tomato crushed that! Making gravy?
Erick Fedde – 6 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.43. Tried to pick up Fedde and Liberatore this past weekend and missed in multiple leagues. Beginning to think the Ghost of Dave Duncan is sprinkling pitching coach advice on their pillows at night.
Hunter Brown – 6 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 1.50. I know what you’re thinking and, yes, he could be an ace, i.e., a top 10 starter, I before E, if it’s Brown, don’t flush him down.
Yordan Alvarez – 1-for-4 and his 2nd homer. Captain Woo Cubano, please get hotter than the sun. I will grow out my beard and put rubber bands in it in your honor.
Yusei Kikuchi – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.13. Yu-meh.
Tyler Mahle – 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 0.92. In 2021, he had a 180 IP season of 3.75 ERA with a 10.5 K/9 and 3.2 BB/9 and he looks very similar right now. That’s a step in the right direction from his near-5 ERA season he’s been putting up. This a positive. This is a thumbs up emoji, but not in a passive aggressive type way when you just want someone to shut up in a group text.
James Wood – 1-for-5 and his 6th homer. Are we talking at all about how James Wood is, like, 12 years old and nearly leading majors in homers?
Jake Irvin – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.91. Checked the Streamonator for his next matchup, made the stinky motion waving away a smell from my nose and closed the Streamonator.
Mitch Keller – 6 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 4.30. Is he better than say, pause for reflection, Jake Irvin, who is available in every league?
Endy Rodriguez – Hit the IL with a finger laceration. “Laceration” is such a cool word, like spelunking. It’s like the anti-moist. Laceration and Spelunking had a kid, and that kid turned out to be a total nerd named Moist. Boo! We hate you, Moist! You nerd! Why can’t you be cool like your mommy or daddy, Laceration and Spelunking?
